Luke Ford | No sacred cows.

Live On My Cam, I’m Smiting My Scrotum With A Stone

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Luke Ford

Click here to join the fun.

He who is without sin, let him throw the first comment.
EmmaHugeFan: through cleaning Luke?
YourMoralLeader: no
Vicky: It looks rather messy
Vicky: But I don’t see any mold on the walls
EmmaHugeFan: you posted you had to clean your "rooms". Which rooms would those be?
guest18: Sr. Ford, where are you from?
YourMoralLeader: bathroom and here
YourMoralLeader: aussie
guest112: this
guest112: is
guest112: a
guest112: sneezing
guest112: coughiong
guest112: wheezing
guest18: Would you prefer to talk in German then?
guest112: ?
User guest112 changed their name to RabbiGadol.
guest18: Sr. Ford, are you from the area around Vienna per chance?
YourMoralLeader: Help me rabbi, Satan has me by the balls!
RabbiGadol: I don’t know how.
YourMoralLeader: Help me, Emma, Satan has me by the balls!
EmmaHugeFan: guest18 he is australian not austrian
Emma: I read lol
YourMoralLeader: Please help me overcome my lustful desires for you
YourMoralLeader: please gain 40 pounds
Emma: lol
YourMoralLeader: you’d look more jewish then
Emma: I don’t think so
RabbiGadol: This is not the way a Jewish man should be.
EmmaHugeFan: smite your scrotum with a stone luke. that will cure what ails you
Emma: Hi Rabbi
RabbiGadol: Luke, why do you libel Jewish women so?
RabbiGadol: Were you not born to a Jewish woman?
RabbiGadol: Sorry, I forgot.
RabbiGadol: Emma, please state your intentions with respect to Luke
RabbiGadol: I hate to see you taking advantage of him
RabbiGadol: Which would be very easy for you to do
Emma: I already have Rabbi
RabbiGadol: He has aspirations
Emma: I dont have to explain myself
YourMoralLeader: exactly!
RabbiGadol: Levi, I know this sounds extreme, but whenever you think about her, masturbate until the feeling ebbs and you can resume fiddling with your ad on Jdate
YourMoralLeader: Thank you rabbi
YourMoralLeader: Does anyone know if Russian Dragon is still alive?
Emma: Of course he is
Emma: Why wouldnt he be
RabbiGadol: But to avoid spilling your seed on the ground, which the Torah forbids, spill it into a cup and drink it, which the Torah does not forbid.
RabbiGadol: Luke, Levi, you stopped attending my classes. Why?
YourMoralLeader: too busy rabbi
YourMoralLeader: on my cam
RabbiGadol: This is just like being an alcoholic, this craving for young shiksa flesh. It must be fought endlessly
Emma: lol
inbal: whats with the beard?
YourMoralLeader: it is a sign of my dedication to Torah
ElCojones: did you get that shirt in high school luke?
inbal: plenty of dedicated people are cleanshaven
YourMoralLeader: elementary school
RabbiGadol: It starts with a chat.
YourMoralLeader: I question that, Inbal
inbal: how so?
RabbiGadol: clean shaven leads to dancing with shiksas
RabbiGadol: The 911 hijackers were clean shaven, all of them
inbal: true
inbal: got to go
inbal: but i shall return!
inbal: smile!
RabbiGadol: Emma, are you willing to eat matzah this passover to the exclusion of bread? It would be good practice for you.
RabbiGadol: A dry, tasteless food that Jews eat on Passover
RabbiGadol: Are you willing?
Emma: Sure
YourMoralLeader: yay
YourMoralLeader: She’ll try anything once!
Emma: True
RabbiGadol: Self release Luke. Release the force.
Emma: lol
Emma: Yes be strong Luke
RabbiGadol: Do this twice a day whenever you feel that Satan has you by your scrotum
RabbiGadol: Emma, are you sure you are 18 and not 17 or 16?
Emma: Positive

RabbiGadol: Because if you were, Luke could end up in prison
Emma: For?
ElCojones: We might see Luke on 48hrs
RabbiGadol: "To catch a blogger"
Emma: Love that song…
Emma: Ace of base!
RabbiGadol: "Mister Ford, did you know that this girl was 14?"
RabbiGadol: "But she didn’t look a day under 17!"
RabbiGadol: Sigh….try to focus on cleaning up and thechometz
RabbiGadol: The Holy Father will be here soon
DennisPrager: Not sure how I ended up on your cam stream, but I’m not stalking you!
YourMoralLeader: Hi Dennis
YourMoralLeader: You’re my moral leader
YourMoralLeader: Everything I am today is because of you!
YourMoralLeader: Even though I was never a pupil nor a friend.
User RabbiGadol left the room.
DennisPrager: wWere you at my roast?
YourMoralLeader: No, how did it go?
DennisPrager: I was I was humbled
YourMoralLeader: no
YourMoralLeader: That is not like you
DennisPrager: My ex was there….scared the hell out of me!
DennisPrager: My broadcast is going international? I’m excited!
YourMoralLeader: I’m sorry about any misunderstandings we’ve had over the years.
YourMoralLeader: I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you.
DennisPrager: We’re both naricissitic sociopaths! I love ya too.
Emma: awwww
ElCojones: hate to break this to you Dennis- but Luke debuted international
ElCojones: what are you stroking just off camera luke?
YourMoralLeader: Dennis, Satan has me by the balls. What should I do?
Emma: Grab his
YourMoralLeader: 18 and Irish – dangerous curves ahead!
Emma: lol
ElCojones: thats an awfully limp wrist there
DennisPrager: My articles to commentary keep on getting rejected. Is there no justice in this world?
ElCojones: Praeger you need to face the music-
ElCojones: the world has passed you by and Luke Ford is the new face of Judaism today
ChubbyWood: thats reassuring
ElCojones: is he wearing a Masonic apron?
ChubbyWood:    I dont see a brick nor a mortor
ElCojones: or a Mormon garment?
cuntpunt: I LOVE YOU LUKE!, But I must go now, love the sqats baby
ElCojones: is that cloth continuous from front to back? it looks like anal floss
ChubbyWood:       its nice to see someone so narcisistic innit
ChubbyWood:   a man that obviously has so little to do yet finds we would enjoy watching
ChubbyWood:    almost scarey
YourMoralLeader: almost
ElCojones: Luke have you asked Emma to loan you money yet?
YourMoralLeader: not yet, i can only remember once doing that to a woman and it was my ex 1994
YourMoralLeader: she wanted me to move out of her place only my car was in the shop and i needed $500 to fix it and get it out so I could sleep in it!
Emma: Whoa I think this has been your longest yet Luke
YourMoralLeader: All the other money I got from my women, I earned it honestly
YourMoralLeader: Thank you Emma, I was thinking of you in church.
Emma: You don’t go to church Luke
YourMoralLeader: shhhh, don’t tell my rabbi.
ElCojones: Luke is that the very desk at which you went to war with Tim Case and Brandye Alexander?
DesmondFord: Why do you blog instead of living a grace-centered life?
YourMoralSchvartze: that’s the des i love!
ElCojones: is that the keyboard from which you got Brandye fired from her job at the cemetery?
YourMoralLeader: I want to earn my way to heaven
YourMoralLeader: Gina, call me babe
DesmondFord: I’ll make you a minister yet!
YourMoralSchvartze: good works are nothing luke
WillieD: it’s hard to believe that was 10 years ago
DesmondFord: Why do you wash your soul with legalisms instead of grace?
YourMoralLeader: insecurity?
WillieD: luke, seriously, we need you to start showing up at the porn events again…just take some pictures…we don’t care what you have to say
WillieD: …but the Camera of Death needs to come out of hiding
DesmondFord: There are ways of recovering your foreskin!
YourMoralSchvartze: the CoD is one of the things that makes life worth living
WillieD: c’mon, you have no soul…remember the photo of randi wright pi**ing on herself? that was golden…so to speak
DesmondFord: Marry Emaa and come back to the faith.
ElCojones: every song is for emma
guest62: theme from deep throat?
DesmondFord: Emma will love you even more if you get back your foreskin.
DesmondFord: Only a Jewess would have a problem with a foreskin.
ElCojones: oh- a retraction in progress
ElCojones: this is blogging at its finest
ElCojones: this is the face of humility
guest63: turn the volume up yourmoralleader i love a bit of gossip
guest62: that dirty laundry on the flor?
ElCojones: haha principal fu manchu!
ElCojones: Luke is being pranked
ElCojones: dont forget to ask them for money Luke
ElCojones: floof this is live action blogging
floofin: transcendent, i’m sure
ElCojones: yeah "I gotta run off"
ElCojones: run off right to my keyboard
WillieD: luke, did you know the drummer for def leppard only has one arm?
floofin: doesn’t stop him from beating his women though, what an overachiever
Emma: Luke what was your fav subject at school?
YourMoralLeader: sex ed
Emma: lol
Emma: smart ass
YourMoralLeader: it depended on the teacher but journalism, history

Posted in Personal | Tagged scrotum | Comments Off

Satan Has Me By The Balls

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Luke Ford

And I like it.

That’s the problem.

I like it.

I should be cleaning for Passover but the Evil One has me in his grip and it feels good!

It makes me tingle all over.

I want to sing and dance and fornicate.

I don’t feel this excited when I am davening.

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this burden of sin?

I want to get married. I want to have children and send them to yeshiva. Oy, how will I ever overcome my sinful propensities?

Wickedness, impurity, uncleanliness, tame, lust, sin, gluttony, envy, jealousy. You name the sin, I do it. Wicked wicked man. Will this be the year I leave Egypt or am I just too comfy there?

I think I’m going to lie down.

Posted in Personal | Tagged balls, davening, egypt, envy, evil one, impurity, jealousy, oh wretched man, oy, Passover, satan, wicked wicked man, wickedness, Yeshiva | Comments Off

Mass Firings At Shalhevet, Small Incoming Freshman Class

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Luke Ford

Beatrice Levavi the registrar is going. The incoming freshman class is only 25 students. Shalhevet sought at least 60. Also Debbie Reisman is going, Jerry’s assistant, and some others.

Against the rumors, the drama program at Shalhevet will continue with Emily Chase.

The painting and sculpting instructor (who has a child with a brain tumor) has been moved to part-time and is losing his health insurance.

I’m not sure how the Moral Leader on Fairfax Blvd will respond to this crisis.

There are about 35 kids in the Senior class (many of their mates left Shalhevet and YULA for Santa Monica Jr College) and about 55 in the Junior class.

Posted in Shalhevet | Tagged beatrice, brain, drama program, emily chase, health insurance, hs class, incoming freshman class, Insurance, mass firings, moral leader, painting, part time, reisman, rsquo, tutor | Comments Off

Who Is Hancock Park’s Hungarian Mafia And Should We Fear Them?

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Luke Ford

They are not violent. They’re Orthodox Jews. They have their wives and their girlfriends and their illegitimate children and their shady tax shelters. Says a source: "They fix surgically the eyes of the Downs Syndrome girls and even marry them off with a large dowry."

Posted in Hancock Park | Tagged downs syndrome, dowry, girlfriends, girls, Hancock Park, hungarian, illegitimate children, Mafia, orthodox jews, tax shelters | Comments Off

I’m Live On My Cam!

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Luke Ford

Click here to join the fun!

Emma: Burt.. Lukes first book is amazing get it!
StuntmanBurt: What’s it about?
Gina: He is now working on one about this chatroom
YourMoralLeader: A Rebel Without A Shul
Gina: Luke joins the Hungarian Mafia
YourMoralLeader: r u taking me to lunch, gina?
Gina: I thought we could dine in the back yard while tanning
YourMoralLeader: I’ll prepare something tasty
YourMoralLeader: and we’ll talk about emma!
Gina: I’ll put on my french maids uniform and help clean the hovel Thursday eve
Gina: get the cometz out of all your cracks
Gina: Starbucks or CBTL
Gina: no refills!
Gina: I’m getting away cheap
Gina: for the pleasure of your company
Gina: I might even throw in a danish
Gina: or a tart
Gina: practice for Emma
Gina: you could try out all your best lines
Gina: I’ll let you know what works
watchingyoublog: is that your belly?
watchingyoublog: let’s get a profile view again
watchingyoublog: did you see the oprah special on the pregnant man?
ChaimAmalek: If you wish to marry, you should secrete yourself in a yeshiva in Israel, one of the orthodox ones
ChaimAmalek: For me to emulate you, I must win $500,000,000 in the lotto.
ChaimAmalek: Hashem darn it, you should write a book.
YourMoralLeader: maybe a novel
ChaimAmalek: "The Poor Man’s Guide to Romancing Hot Women in LA"
ChaimAmalek: You don’t have the patience to write a novel
ChaimAmalek: You can’t create a novel out of massive blocks of quotes, the way you can make a book out of interviews.
ChaimAmalek: The only Californian I can think of who has managed to do what you are doing is Charlie Manson but he’s in jail
ChaimAmalek: To what do you credit your new success?
ChaimAmalek: A new perfume? Clothes? The beard?
ChaimAmalek: Or is it the will of God above that you have such success?
ChaimAmalek: I will now take your questions.
ChaimAmalek: Who wants to get into Luke’s new Mitzvah Tank, or have I let the cat out of the bag?
ChaimAmalek: I applaud Luke on getting Chabad to spring for the conversion of his van into a Mitzvah Tank.
ChaimAmalek: I myself am working on a trailor attachment that would house a mikvah for Jewish women.
ChaimAmalek: These enhancements to Luke’s mode of transport can only hasten the arrival of the Messiah.
ChaimAmalek: Sex with beautiful women is better than any psychotropic drug, better than spending any number of hours with a shrink (unless she is good in the sack); and is its own viagra.
ChaimAmalek: I need to know: give me the hour, how long, I want to calculate the refractory period.
YourMoralLeader: don’t take any artificial stimulants
ChaimAmalek: Start up a religion
ChaimAmalek: Take concubines. Have your own compound.
ChaimAmalek: I say you try to do big business deals today.
ChaimAmalek: Jewish women are weeping, of course.
ChaimAmalek: I envy you. But also, and this is not a joke, there is no reason for you to marry. It just would not work out for your wife, unless she were in your trade.
ChaimAmalek: You have no inducment for it anyway.
YourMoralLeader: what trade am I in?
ChaimAmalek: Blogging for sex
YourMoralLeader: oh
YourMoralLeader: that doesn’t sound nice
ChaimAmalek: I meant porn, but you are not quite in that
ChaimAmalek: Still, you have too many opportunities to be unfaithful to be faithful
ChaimAmalek: If you marry, you should find yourself a bisexual woman who will approve and maybe join in.
ChaimAmalek: I am not talking about love here
ChaimAmalek: You have too many opportunities.
ChaimAmalek: You know I’m right about this.
ChaimAmalek: I am not blaming you. I would do likewise.
ChaimAmalek: That you can do this with your resources in extraordinary. Why marry?
ChaimAmalek: But you would be happier if you disabused yourself of the notinon that you are ever going to marry a real Jewish woman in a shul with all of your Jewish friends present, and then have Jewish kids who become members in good standing of the Jewish community
ChaimAmalek: That is not in the cards. As I put it, the Shiksa Menace
ChaimAmalek: Why commit to a lifetime of eating dunkin donuts when you have access to all those kitchens?
ChaimAmalek: Lousy metaphore but you get the idea
ChaimAmalek: ie, why buy a cow when you have free access to the teats of a hundred cows.
ChaimAmalek: You are not going to marry.
ChaimAmalek: Satan has you by the balls, and you like it.
ChaimAmalek: I, meanwhile, cannot even get a date off of Craigslist.
ChaimAmalek: Face it: you don’t find Jewish women all that attractive.
ChaimAmalek: By the way, I’ll bet Aria is around 1/256th negro. As Dr. Pierce has noted, the Portuguese have a lot of negro blood in them.
ChaimAmalek: 18 and Irish is dangerous.

Posted in Personal | Tagged back yard, californian, charlie manson, cracks, Emma, french maids uniform, hot women, hovel, hungarian, Mafia, massive blocks, new perfume, Oprah, pleasure of your company, poor man, pregnant man, profile view, shul, starbucks, Yeshiva | Comments Off

Amalek Warns About The Shiksa Menace

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Luke Ford

Chaim writes:

Years ago I sought to shield you from the menace to your neshama (Jewish soul) of having all of these women with loose morals around your home and places of business. You partook of their honey pots, but in the end, stood your ground and came to regard them as beneath you. The threat receded as your mood darkened and your commitment to Torah strengthened.
But now the Shiksa Menace appears to have returned, in the new and more potent form of chaste comely shiksas of nubile flesh and high morals who all but throw themselves at you, either online or in person. Yesterday I watched with my own eyes as a luscious looking body worker of virtue sprayed your abode with her deadly-to-Jews pheromones, wiggling her fertile torso hither and yon. Meanwhile, I know all of these fabulous accomplished women your age – doctors! partners in law firms! Hollywood executives! – who are confident, alluring, powerful, smart, and finally ready to settle down but who cannot find a suitable mate. Do not their tears of loneliness sting you?
I fear for you, Luke. I fear for you commitment to Judaism, and how you will be regarded by the gedolim of LA as word of this backsliding spreads.
And I fear for the future of the Jewish people.

Posted in Chaim Amalek | Tagged abode, backsliding, doctors, flesh, Hollywood, hollywood executives, honey pots, jewish soul, Jews, Judaism, law firms, loneliness, loose morals, own eyes, shiksas, sting, suitable mate, Torah, torso, virtue | Comments Off

Thursday Will Rock On My Cam With Live Preparation For Passover

Posted on April 15, 2008 by Luke Ford

A day of cleaning will climax at 8 pm PST with Bedikat Hametz.

Holding just one lighted candle, I will go from room to room live on my cam with a feather and a large spoon, scooping up the last of the hametz.

Then I’ll hold a virtual seder on my cam for shut-ins.

I’ll teach you things about Passover the rabbis won’t tell you!

Please join me in my chat room with your questions about this time of renewal.

Jews and goyim, blacks and whites, straights and queers are equally welcome!

Posted in Personal | Tagged blacks and whites, chat room, hametz, ins, Jews, lighted candle, Passover, queers, Rabbis, seder, spoon, thursdays | Comments Off

I’m Live On My Cam With ‘Aria!’

Posted on April 15, 2008 by Luke Ford

Click here to join the fun.

Click here to read Aria’s inspiring testimony! From XXX actress to born again Christian (now known as Keri)! She has an inspiring message about Passover that you won’t want to miss.

Click here for Keri’s myspace page.

guest23: who is there
YourMoralLeader: aria
YourMoralLeader: what’s $$$$
guest23: REVEAL YOURSELVES JUDEN
guest23: Who is Aria?
YourMoralLeader: http://www.myspace.com/kerihumble
User guest23 changed their name to ChaimAmalek.
User guest81 left the room.
User guest80 left the room.
ChaimAmalek: Who are you Aria?
YourMoralLeader: ex porn star
YourMoralLeader: inspired many a release for you, pal
ChaimAmalek: I am here
ChaimAmalek: I have never heard of you
ChaimAmalek: Are you Jewish?
YourMoralLeader: Xtian
ChaimAmalek: Why is this shiksa in your home?
YourMoralLeader: we’re getting ready for passover!
ChaimAmalek: Aria, please take off some clothes
ChaimAmalek: And tempt Luke
ChaimAmalek: I want to see Luke wrestle with his baser inclinations
ChaimAmalek: You are cute.
ChaimAmalek: You don’t look like a porn chick
ChaimAmalek: Show me some love
ChaimAmalek: Come sit on my lap
ChaimAmalek: How do I know she isn’t a trannie?
ChaimAmalek: Talk english
ChaimAmalek: We normally don’t get women in this chat room
ChaimAmalek: What’s Luke muttering?
ChaimAmalek: I meet women off of Craigslist
ChaimAmalek: Hence, I am now asexually postsexual
YourMoralLeader: We will pray for you
ChaimAmalek: Get back there on camera
ChaimAmalek: Where did she go?
ChaimAmalek: Oh man.
ChaimAmalek: OK, so who is she and why was she in your apartment?
ChaimAmalek: You SOB. All these women. You make me sick with envy.
User guest82 left the room.
YourMoralLeader: We just had dinner
YourMoralLeader: Now we’re going to have some dessert
ChaimAmalek: What does she presently do to support herself?
YourMoralLeader: massage

ChaimAmalek: Cats + Ipods + yoga = demographic doom
ChaimAmalek: Where are you from?
ChaimAmalek: What do you think of Jews? Are there too many Jews in positions of power in Hollywood?
ChaimAmalek: Luke is not very mechancially inclined
ChaimAmalek: What is your pedigree?
ChaimAmalek: Is Luke about to show you one of his funny animal tapes?
ChaimAmalek: This drives me to fury.
ChaimAmalek: If this were a better ordered world, I would rule at least a fifth of it.
ChaimAmalek: Nice.
ChaimAmalek: Very nice.
ChaimAmalek: Good child bearing hips
ChaimAmalek: Nice form and mass
ChaimAmalek: Not to thin, not too fat. Just right.
ChaimAmalek: Strong, too.
ChaimAmalek: Look at those arms! I’ll bet she could beat you at arm wrestling, Luke.
ChaimAmalek: She’s a better match for you than Emma.
ChaimAmalek: Way better.
ChaimAmalek: I can smell the pheremones from all the way out here.
ChaimAmalek: Jimminy cricket, what’s the hangup there?
ChaimAmalek: Ask to see his dog tapes.
ChaimAmalek: I know what you are doing. The rules of tznious demand that I be permitted to chaperone the two of you via the cam.