When Your Options In Life Dwindle

There are few things that are as thrilling to me as the open road with no commitments. You give me time and you give me money and I’ll want to drive or fly away.

Like a running back, I want to run to daylight.

I still savor the memories of all those college professors who told me I could become anything I wanted. My mom said I could become a star for God. My dad was a star. I wanted to outshine him.

I’ll never forget taking the I-5 South from Sacramento in March of 1994. I was returning to LA after five years away and I had a place to stay in Westwood for a few weeks until I got things sorted. I had money in the bank and I had choices and I had dreams and I had no obligations.

I was 27. I was coming out of six years of bed-ridden Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I felt like the world was my oyster (while living out of my car for most of the next year). I loved exploring LA and its beautiful women. I thought about returning to UCLA to finish my degree. A 27-year old on a university campus would not be weird. Or I could go to work for Dennis Prager. He said he might have a job for me. Or I could become an actor or write a book. The possibilities seemed endless (beyond my significant limitations of exhaustion).

As the months rolled by, I felt my options dwindle. I couldn’t articulate what was going on. I just felt my life getting smaller. I saw that I would not be on the same level as my peers for much longer because they were all getting established in careers and family. Within six weeks, I learned I wasn’t getting the job with Dennis Prager. Then I realized I did not want to return to UCLA to study Economics. So I started going on acting and modeling casting calls and I got hooked on the Hollywood culture. At the same time, I was having a ball exploring every type of Judaism. I felt like there was a significant conflict between these two worlds.

One significant parting of the roads that I faced was my sex life. Whatever I chose to do with that would send my life in two different directions. If I chose to contain myself, the best way to live the monogamous life was serious religion. If I chose not to contain myself, I could wander indefinitely. I was having a ball having a ball but I sensed that my promiscuity was incompatible with my best interests (marriage and children and career and commitments like a mortgage). Without consciously choosing balling over non-balling, I kept balling and though my actual promiscuity ended by the summer of 1995, the fantasy of promiscuity dominated my life for the next 17 years and with it a mounting dread that my life was going unlived.

The most intense Judaic experiences I had in LA in my first three years were at Aish HaTorah. Orthodox Judaism did not seem as rational to me as non-Orthodox forms of Judaism, but it moved me more deeply. I resonated with Orthodoxy in ways I couldn’t articulate and did not expect but there were feelings of joy for me that were only available inside the dance. For my first six years in LA, I kept a foot in both camps, but by the summer of 2000, after a trip to Israel, I went in all in on Orthodoxy. That choice narrowed my life options.

By the time Covid rolled around in 2020, I was simultaneously happy with a small life and yearning for something more.

One great thing I learned from ten years of therapy and 12-step programs is that I always have more options than I think.

I want to run to daylight. At the same time, I recognize the force of some sort of ratchet in my psyche that wants to separate me from others so I can live alone in my delusions.

It’s 2022 and I’m nearly 56. I’m happy but I’m living small and there’s got to be more for me. My default setting is towards isolation and I have to keep making concrete choices against my grain to go social. So most every Sunday these days, I explore LA again like it’s 1994.

Posted in Personal | Comments Off on When Your Options In Life Dwindle

Richard Spencer Debates Styx On Free Speech, Online Anonymity (5-20-22)

03:00 Styx vs Richard Spencer – Internet Anonymity, https://odysee.com/@KillstreamKlips:4/killstream-klip-styx-vs-spencer-internet-anonymity
09:00 Richard takes things seriously
28:00 The porn question
35:00 What does it mean to be a Christian? https://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/donna-summer-facts/story?id=16370574
42:00 The Buffalo shooter had a toothache, https://twitter.com/oneunderscore__/status/1527713922928852993
47:30 Riding the World’s Biggest Waves, Without a Surfboard, https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/19/sports/big-wave-bodysurfing.html
56:00 Why You Should Not Use Ivermectin to Treat or Prevent COVID-19, https://www.fda.gov/consumers/consumer-updates/why-you-should-not-use-ivermectin-treat-or-prevent-covid-19
59:30 What’s the future for non-Haredi Jews in the diaspora? https://twitter.com/jh_swanson/status/1527813423068860419
1:00:30 Richard reflects on his debate with Styx, https://radixjournal.substack.com/p/the-great-replacement?s=r#details
1:02:30 Stripper says we’re in recession, she checks market to decide if it is worth going in to work
1:06:20 Richard says Ann Coulter, Peter Brimelow, Tucker Carlson only offer extreme whining
1:07:00 The class issue
1:10:00 Richard Against “Free Speech”, https://radixjournal.substack.com/p/against-free-speech?s=r#details
1:24:00 Richard Spencer on America First, Nick Fuentes, The Alt-Right, His Shortcomings, and More, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4k5Dv74rTJ4
1:36:00 Is America First imploding? Friendship nationalism

Posted in Alt Lite, Alt Right, America | Comments Off on Richard Spencer Debates Styx On Free Speech, Online Anonymity (5-20-22)

How Do Republicans Build A Counter-Elite? (5-19-22)

00:00 Tucker Carlson critiques Biden’s embrace of the WHO
04:00 Fact Check: The World Health Organization Will NOT Have Authority To Lock Down All of America, https://leadstories.com/hoax-alert/2022/05/fact-check-who-will-not-have-authority-to-lock-down-all-of-america.html
06:00 COVID-19 Shows Why United Action Is Needed for More Robust International Health Architecture. https://www.who.int/news-room/commentaries/detail/op-ed—covid-19-shows-why-united-action-is-needed-for-more-robust-international-health-architecture
07:30 Public health requires us to combat misinformation
09:00 Is Biden Preparing To Give Sovereignty of US to WHO?, https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/biden-usa-sovereignty-who/
15:00 Constitutional Dictatorship: Its Dangers and Its Design, https://lukeford.net/blog/?p=130386
17:00 Illegal immigration into Texas
23:00 Watergate: REGIME CHANGE, AMERICAN STYLE, https://www.firstthings.com/article/2022/06/regime-change-american-style
25:40 New House bill to monitor Joe Biden’s critics
45:20 $40 Billion for Ukraine
52:30 Banging Beyond The Binary – Philly Teacher Conference
56:00 Creating a new Republican elite, https://www.theamericanconservative.com/articles/towards-a-republican-counter-elite/
1:11:30 Dinesh D’Souza DEMANDS Public Apology From Tucker Carlson
1:25:40 Milleniall Woes comments on Richard Spencer

Posted in Alt Lite, America | Comments Off on How Do Republicans Build A Counter-Elite? (5-19-22)

What Is America And What Does It Stand For? (5-18-22)

00:00 Tucker Carlson on the inflation threat
10:00 LAT: Laguna Woods shooting highlights growing tensions between Taiwan and China, https://www.latimes.com/world-nation/story/2022-05-18/laguna-woods-shooting-taiwan-china-relations
14:00 Ann Coulter on nutters who believe in the great replacement, https://anncoulter.com/2022/05/18/here-are-the-nutcases-who-believe-in-replacementx/
21:00 Amy Wax on America’s racial craziness, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/amy-wax-paul-gottfried-on-cancel-culture-society-it/id1494171864?i=1000513719467
24:00 What is American identity? https://lukeford.net/blog/?p=138772
28:00 Elon Musk plans to vote Republican
35:00 How to get your Instagram account back
37:30 Triggered by Steve Sailer, https://www.takimag.com/article/triggered/
47:00 Keith Woods: Factions Of The Dissident Right, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VgqovWGTNk
58:00 Racist violence against Asians, https://www.unz.com/isteve/wp-racist-violence-against-asians-is-out-of-control/
1:00:30 Why do we have mass shooters?
1:12:00 “Human Trafficking” and a “Casting Couch” In the “Dissident Right”, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wc6xWGgq_0
1:36:00 Columbia Shuttle Disaster, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Shuttle_Columbia_disaster
1:40:00 The Politics of Expertise, https://www.amazon.com/Politics-Expertise-Stephen-P-Turner/dp/1138929638

* The road to recovery
* Our Problems Are Not Our Problems, They’re Just Symptoms Of Deeper Problems
* With or without you
* I’m Dysfunctional, You’re Dysfunctional: The Recovery Movement and Other Self-Help
* Sham: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless
* Bypass your self-destructive tendencies
* A life that works
* Bringing souls out of hiding

Posted in America | Comments Off on What Is America And What Does It Stand For? (5-18-22)

Peter Zeihan: COLLAPSE of Globalization, POPULATION, and World Order

Posted in Peter Zeihan | Comments Off on Peter Zeihan: COLLAPSE of Globalization, POPULATION, and World Order