Book Clubs Are For Girls

Posted on May 19, 2008 by Luke Ford

In theory, I should be hot for book clubs. I typically read several books a week. I love discussing books with smart people. I love to bond with people over books.

Yet I’ve never enjoyed a book club.

I rarely enjoy sitting with a group of people who are each expected to share their thoughts and feelings on something.

Why not?

Because most people don’t have anything smart to say.

I hate being stuck with a bunch of retards. I hate having to treat their drivel as equally valid to profound insight.

Sharing is for chicks.

Equality is a feminine value, notes Dennis Prager.

Men love hierarchy.

I want someone devastatingly smart to lead a discussion and to not let morons ruin things.

I don’t go to a lot of Torah classes because there will always be one blowhard there who’ll feel compelled ten times a class to toot his own horn to no good effect.

It only takes one shmuck to ruin things — just ask anyone who’s hosted me for a Shabbat meal.

One thing I usually don’t like about Reform and Conservative synagogues — and their chicks are usually hotter — is when everyone is asked to contribute their thoughts on the parsha (Torah portion).

I only want to hear the thoughts of those who’ve toiled with the text and come out with insights I don’t have.

The only book club I’ve enjoyed is a movie — The Jane Austen Book Club.

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Dignity Is A Jewish Virtue

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

So I can sleep at night, I like to whip myself on my blog until I’m bleeding.

That way I don’t feel so bad about the gashes I deliver to others during the day.

I feel that if I’m rougher on myself than on anybody else — except Thane Rosenbaum — then I can be forgiven my sins and live to daven another day in an Orthodox shul.

I feel that I can do what I want and who I want so long as at the end of the day, I climb on my virtual cross, hammer some nails into my hands and feet, and scream, "Father, father, why has thou forsaken me?"

Yet during the many hours of the night when I toss and turn on my floor, I fear that I have not been true to my religion (and my whole sense of self is wrapped up in my embrace of Judaism).

Public self-flagellation is rarely a Jewish virtue. It’s particularly rare in Orthodox life. Instead, one is supposed to treat oneself with dignity and then extend that good treatment to others. I by contrast treat myself horribly and then extend that to others.

The Jewish tradition (the Chofetz Chaim in particular) says you shouldn’t speak lashon hara about yourself. You shouldn’t trash yourself publicly — not on a blog, not on a pulpit, and not on a cross (virtual or real).

This teaching is my cross to bear.

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this burden of sin?

Sleep, sleep, where art thou? Why do you flee from me when I chase you? Come cover me with your oblivion. Make an end to my foolishness. Make my mind stop spinning. Make the demons go away.

My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

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What’s The Point Of Plays?

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

Why do people go to plays?

What can plays do that movies can’t?

Are they like ugly girls in that they try harder?

I need to know.

There must be something special about plays. Historian Paul Johnson says in his book Intellectuals that they were the most influential medium of the late 19th and early 20th century.

Tonight I caught a one-woman performance by Susan Clark of "A Woman Of Independent Means."

It’s based on the novel by Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey that was turned into a six hour mini-series starring Sally Field.

It was all very well done but I found myself looking forward to it ending.

I don’t find one-person plays mesmerizing.

They’re more like musaf — they have to be endured to get to the kiddish.

I’m not a huge fan of plays.

I find myself more interested in movies and TV.

So I wonder, what is the point of plays?

Hailey took questions at the end of the performance. I asked her in which ways was the medium of the play superior to other mediums such as the novel and the movie?

She said, "Because it’s my own words."

In other words, she didn’t engage my question. The novel was her own words too.

So I’m trying to think how would a play be superior to other mediums?

Frankly, I can’t think of anything.

I’ve seen a dozen plays in the past 15 years. Some were good but none were superior to a good movie.

I saw most of these plays, like tonight’s, out of obligation. That I should give theater a chance.

Frankly, I’m more dazzled by movies.

When I look deep into my heart, the only reason I’d prefer to see a play is if I wanted to see certain actors up close and personal. If I didn’t belong to an Orthodox synagogue, I’d say something about seeing hot young actresses naked (which you get in almost all Broadway productions).

I find a play more exciting when the protagonists are hot and young and horny and they are constantly interchanging with each other — words, actions, fluids…

I’m a pretty bad person because I rarely find myself captivated by old people reading letters and reflecting on their lives.

I want to look at someone hot, female and in action.

I want to see hot young women losing their innocence on stage. I want to witness the eating of the forbidden fruit and its devastating emotional consequences. (I’m not particularly into seeing the spread of gonorrhea and the like in my plays, I don’t find that erotic). At least I would want to see all that loss of innocence if I did not want to belong to the Orthodox community. But as I do want to be holy, I’ll state for the record, rabbi, that I’d rather see plays about how ordinary people — fully clothed — grow in their Torah as they are inspired by their walk down the ages with the sages and the pages.

Yay, that sounds almost as exciting as a three-day yom tov — just think, three holy days in a row in which you can’t shower, you can’t go online, you can’t drive, you can’t work.

Oh, what wild ecstasy.

Blow my shofar!

Jane emails: "I guess you could similarly ask what’s the point of concerts when you can just buy the CD – but I guess as an audience member you can feel the performers energy along with the others who are present, in real time with the live factor added in..and I’d think they’d have to be even better looking on stage since there’s no cropping and special camera angles to make them look prettier…and no second takes."

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The Messiah Will Arrive In Beverly Hills Singing ‘I’m All Out Of Love’

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

From my live cam chat:

zappa:  These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.  
KhunDiddy:  Luke I saw an anti Israel demonstration in Montreal. There were Jews demonstrating…shocking..Turn Coat Hebs..Who are those Yiddisha boys who wear hats that look like Fur Hat Boxes?
YourMoralLeader:  khun, they think we should wait for the messiah before restarting the jewish state
KhunDiddy:  Luke I’m betting you are the Messiah
KhunDiddy:  I’ve got a feeling the Messiah will return to us in beverly Hills to the tune of "All Out of Love"
zappa:  We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in  London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who,
zappa:  immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.  
KhunDiddy:  Emma have you fed the horses yet?
Emma:  Not my job anymore Khun
YourMoralLeader:  she rashly quit her job
YourMoralLeader:  confident I can support her
zappa:  Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.
Emma:  Interview tomorrow for another
Emma:  Don’t panic
zappa:  That’s because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. 
guest106:  but I thought you were searching for a woman who was too proud to let you work
zappa:  I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
guest106:  if you do take the night job don’t let the other luke write about you in his blog
KhunDiddy:  Fuzzy Wuzzy is waiting with open arms
guest106:  santa luke wants you to sit on his lap
zappa:  Tiger woods was on holiday in ireland  and pulled in to a petrol station to get some fuel and a little irish man came out and filled his car up ,and was looking over the car and looked in his car and saw loads of golf t s scattered around the in side of
zappa:  the car and some on his lap not knowing who tiger woods is he asked what the little sticks were tiger woods replied they hold my balls when i am driving.   the irish man sayed fk me these BMWS have everything 
YourMoralLeader:  What personality types are attracted to chat rooms?
guest108:  losers
KhunDiddy:  people without a life
KhunDiddy:  or people who Love Luke like Emma and myself
guest108:  people who need their egos stroked
zappa:     A man comes home to his wife, sits in his favorite chair and says to her"quick, get me a beer before it starts."
zappa:  She brings him a can of beer, he drinks it, and says "quick, bring me another beer, before it starts." She brings him another can, he drinks it down and says "and another beer, before it starts."
zappa:  She says to him " now look here you lazy fat arsehole, you come in here, barking your orders, who do you think you are?"
KhunDiddy:  and?
zappa:  He says to her,"o s**te, it’s started……."
KhunDiddy:  What did Jesus say to Afro American supporters before they hung him up on the cross?
KhunDiddy:  "don’t do anything until I get back"
zappa:  A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: ‘Olympic Condoms.’ Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. ‘Olympic condoms?’ she blurts. ‘What makes them so special? ”They’re in three colours,’
zappa:  ‘gold, silver, and bronze.”What colour are you planning on wearing tonight?’ she asks cheekily.’Why, gold, of course,’ says the man proudly.’Really?’ she responds. ‘Why don’t you wear the silver tonight? It’d be nice if you came second for a change.’
zappa:  Quit knocking Heather Mills, after all where is Sir Paul going to find another woman to fill her shoe!
zappa:  Woman walks in to a Newcastle hairdressers and says "I want a perm"  Hairdresser says "Certainly madame…….Roses are red, violets are blue….." 
zappa:  A paper bag goes to the doctors and say’s he is feeling off colour after doing loads of tests the doctor breaks the bad news " i’m afraid u have STD" the paper bag says " thats impossible i’ve never had sex in my life" the doctor replies
zappa:   your mother must have been a carrrier
guest108:  Zap, do they get better?
zappa:  Eight Words with two Meanings 
zappa:  1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.  Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.  Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
zappa:  2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.  Male…. Playing cricket without a box.
zappa:  3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.  Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.  Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the  boys.
User guest111 left the room.
zappa:  4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.  Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.  Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one
zappa:  5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.  Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
User guest112 (75.199.13.182) entered the room.
zappa:  6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  Female…. An embarrassing by product of indigestion.  Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
zappa:  7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
zappa:  8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.  Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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The Lord’s Prayer For Women

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

zappa:  My vibro,which brings me heaven. Rabbit be thy name. Til kingdom come, thy makest me c#m, on earth with eyes on heaven. Give me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams, as i forgive flat batteries.
zappa:  Lead me not into temptations
zappa:  but deliver me from frustration
zappa:  for thine is the rotation, the power and the buzzing
zappa:  forever and ever
Emma:  amen
zappa:  no men

zappa:  I’m craaaashin on a jet plane – that way I won’t be back again
KhunDiddy:  Hi everybody….I’m back…
Emma:  20 Ways To Maintain Insanity
YourMoralLeader:  how was thailand?
YourMoralLeader:  take your wife?
KhunDiddy:  Luke looks more like Rabbi Shmedrick thabn ever oy!
Emma:  1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If TheySlow Down.
KhunDiddy:  I’m suree Thailand was great but we were in Canada
YourMoralLeader:  with mrs?
Emma:  2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
YourMoralLeader:  are you faithful to her khun?
KhunDiddy:  always with the MRS
Emma:  3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
Emma:  4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
KhunDiddy:  I’m faithful in Montreal but don’t test me in Bangkok
Emma:  5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
Emma:  6. In The Memo Field Of All YourChecks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
Emma:  7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance W ith The Prophecy."
Emma:  8. Don’t use any punctuation.
Emma:  9. As Often As Possible, Skip
Emma:  10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
KhunDiddy:  Emma are you still in love with Luke?
Emma:  11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
Emma:  12. Sing Along At The Opera.
KhunDiddy:  it’s been a month since I checked in
Emma:  13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And AskWhy The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
Emma:  14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
KhunDiddy:  Emma are you have Internet Intercourse with Luke yet
Emma:  15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In the Mood.
Emma:  16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
Emma:  17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
Emma:  18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!"
Emma:  19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,"Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
Emma:  20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..Tell this To Someone To Make Them Smile.Its Called .. therapy.

KhunDiddy:  I don’t think this is the real Emma…the EMMA I knew was a SIMPLT GIRL who grooms horses….and sheers sheep and fethes water from the welll
KhunDiddy:  it’s been too long honey…sounds like you picked up some shtick from the Catskills
KhunDiddy:  you doing Stand Up now?
KhunDiddy:  Next to the horse corral?
KhunDiddy:  Now that Charleston Heston has passed on to that great gun range in the sky I believe Luke is ready to fill in with the Swords and Sandals flics…maybe need a few push ups first
KhunDiddy:  Beverly Hills Moses

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Emmanuelle Richard’s Eight Months Preggers

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

They just spent ten days in LA, leaving this morning.

Matt is much in demand for his recent book on John McCain.

From my live cam chat:

YourMoralLeader:  how is the LA Times treating you?
tonypierce:  better than they should
YourMoralLeader:  Tony, you keeping them b**ches in line?
tonypierce:  i would need your good looks to do that
YourMoralLeader:  lol, has the man taken his foot off your throat?
guest56:  luke, still going to sardos? or no more?
User guest38 left the room.
guest63:  Leader you have cut your hair !
YourMoralLeader:  no more 56
YourMoralLeader:  Emma, how should I cut my hair?
YourMoralLeader:  Tony, ever hear from Matt & Emmanuelle? How are they?
guest56:  too bad. i was wondering if there’s any up-and-coming "singing" talent starting to emerge that you’ve noticed there
tonypierce:  i have – they are 8 months preggers
tonypierce:  they were in town for a few days, but left this morning
Emma:  Just shave L…
Emma:  Go on.. live on cam
Emma:  Right here right now
Emma:  I dare you
guest56:  someone said this is a religious porn site. where’s the porn?
YourMoralLeader:  Emma
tonypierce:  off to lunch bro, i will tell the kids to come to your chat
Emma:  Yes?
YourMoralLeader:  M, just saying that you are my porn these days
guest62:  Did God create man or did man create God?
YourMoralLeader:  former
Emma:  I dont wanna be your porn L
YourMoralLeader:  oh
YourMoralLeader:  wrong metaphor then
Emma:  Maybe

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My Ex-GF Diana Klein Was Live In My Chat Room

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

Click here to join the fun.

She’s now "Dyana."

Diana and I had a thing for a few months in the Spring and Summer of 1993 before things ended very badly. She burned all my letters and tapes and wrote an excoriating letter about me to my parents and to Dennis Prager.

She IMs me Sunday: "Was watching you on YouTube today with my mom… You are still a loon."

I lure her into my chat room.

palestine4ever:  And Luke the right-winger finally considers the hilarity of the gub’mint raiding their own supporters, but leaving the ringleaders alone.
palestine4ever:  Understand, Luke, that the only solutions to this modern hell is the Caliphate.
palestine4ever:  Or Socialist Revolution.
palestine4ever:  I continue to stress that Luke should take this broadcast to http://reasonradionetwork.com/
YourMoralLeader:   PrincessDy:  If she really listens to me, she’ll dump you’
Emma:  who
palestine4ever:  There such weighty moral issues are solved with a simple "UR DAY IS COMING JEWS"
guest46 [Diana Klein]:  OK Luke, where is she
Emma:  Oh
guest43:  did you toivel the grape juice bottle that r using fro OJ ?
guest46:  A "thing?"
guest46:  Nice.
palestine4ever:  Wow
guest46:  I cant believe you remember that
palestine4ever:  A girl shaving you, was that like the pottery scene in "Ghost"?
YourMoralLeader:  Diana, tell Emma how sweet I am
YourMoralLeader:  Emma, I was a different man then.
guest46:  Please, I beg of you all..
Emma:  Of course Luke
palestine4ever:  Because I cried during that scene. I did. I will admit to having a tender soul.
guest46:  Luke is a lovely man..
guest46:  HOWEVER…
guest46:  A moral leader…
guest46:  Cmon Luke
guest43:  What are you drinking ?
russiandragon:  is he randy diana
guest46:  He is a piece of work/
YourMoralLeader:  Diana, I want to be your moral leader
russiandragon:  will he corrupt an innocent girl
guest46:  And he loves..LOVES people talking about him
guest46:  Bad, good, whatever
guest46:  My sister is watching you
palestine4ever:  We know this. It’s why we’re here.
guest46:  saying "Dyana…what the hell is he doing?"
Emma:  Yellow green tea that is
guest46:  So luke… what can I offer the group?
palestine4ever:  Some are enablers of Luke’s narcissism, while others of us are attempting to reform his character.
russiandragon:  morning yellow green tea
guest46:  What can I tell them?
guest46:  You will never be able to reform him…
guest46:  Trust me on this.
Emma:  He let you shave him Dinana
guest46:  14 years I have known him…
Emma:  Diana-
guest46:  He did..
guest46:  It was a fun day..
Emma:  I bet
guest46:  but he looked gross…he needed to be shaved and cleaned up
guest46:  Right luke?
YourMoralLeader:  I liked the beard
YourMoralLeader:  I did it for you
guest46:  He looked gorgeous after..
guest46:  he really did
palestine4ever:  Yet someone must try to reform him, for if Luke Ford is unreformable, what does that say to our modern prison-industrial complex?
guest46:  Too bad he’s a nut job.
palestine4ever:  There must be redemption for all, even if it is in the blinding white flash of a suicide bombing
guest46:  Oh Luke…
palestine4ever:  Someday he will be known as Shaheed Ford, inshallah.
guest46:  When I wrote to him…
guest46:  You told me you wanted to put your pee pee through my voice
guest46:  remember that?
palestine4ever:  Whoa.
guest46:  Im telling you people..
palestine4ever:  Luke wanted to make sweet love to her voice.
guest43:  Nutcase
guest46:  Luke is clinically insane….but fascinating.
palestine4ever:  Luke’s got game!
guest46:  Your poor mum.
guest46:  Where is that music coming from? Your storage closet?
guest46:  Im sorry..I meant..your apartment?
Emma:  Its getting a bit hot in here
guest43:  No he lives out of an expired "John To Go"
palestine4ever:  aka the dead hooker storage
guest46:  Of course she is.. Does she have Crones or mental illness?
YourMoralLeader:  Diana, are you married with kids?
YourMoralLeader:  Not that I know of, Diana
guest46:  I am not, Luke…
YourMoralLeader:  neither am I
Emma:  No mental illnesses Diana
guest46:  in fact, I was thinking today about all the great guys I have dated and dumped …
guest46:  You werent one of them.
YourMoralLeader:  How about the Crones Disease, M?
Emma:  lol
Emma:  Har de har
guest46:  So Emma…
palestine4ever:  Tell us how you really feel!
Emma:  So Diana
guest46:  are you in Ireland?
Emma:  Yes
guest46:  Luke and i have been able to talk all these years because we are honest.
russiandragon:  stay there 🙂 lol

guest46:  And the truth is… I cared very much for Luke..
guest46:  But he will..
guest46:  and he knows this..
YourMoralLeader:  It ended very badly
guest46:  Suck the LIFE out of you like a lemon..
Emma:  lol
guest46:  and dump you down the disposal
YourMoralLeader:  After my parents got Diana’s letter, they wrote me out of the will.
guest46:  You know it’s true, Luke
Emma:  I highly doubt that Diana…
guest46:  I say that with affection 🙂
YourMoralLeader:  Not true, Diana.
guest46:  One day perhaps youll have the pleasure of meeting his family..
guest46:  they echo my sentiment
guest43:  I can’t imagine living with this mixed up 60’s guy
YourMoralLeader:  My relationship with my parents has never been the same since Diana!
guest46:  and he LOVES that we are talking about him right now.. 🙂 right?
Emma:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  They confirmed each other’s fears about me.
YourMoralLeader:  right
Emma:  -hides-
guest46:  Im sorry about that Luke.
guest46:  I really am
guest43:  look on his face. I see thru it – all the pain…
russiandragon:  you’re so vain by carly simon was written for luke
guest46:  I thought, too, that it was pain..
guest46:  Turns out its mental illness 🙂
palestine4ever:  Why would you confront this man’s parents with your troubles, lest he was a danger for society?
guest46:  Its a long story…please dont judge..
guest46:  Luke knows I did what I had to do.
palestine4ever:  I am judgmental.
palestine4ever:  It’s what I do.
guest46:  Im a good person. Always have been..
guest43:  Would you mind to share your background with us Luke ?
guest46:  Luke, say something!
guest46:  Defend my honor, jackass 🙂
guest43:  He just shed a tear, did anybodu else notice ?
palestine4ever:  I’m quite alarmed by this tale of a scorned woman attempting to create a rift between a boy and his god-fearing parents.
palestine4ever:  I’m bordering on outrage.
YourMoralLeader:  When I was with Diana,
guest46:  Oh please… Luke caused the rift himself
YourMoralLeader:  I was talking on the phone with this woman 11yrs older in FL
YourMoralLeader:  who flew out to see me and then I told Diana
Emma:  Oh
guest46:  Cheated, dumped me via voicemail on my birthday… but I still consider him a friend
YourMoralLeader:  and then my dad caught me in the shower with the FL woman
guest46:  he was a bit mental and I was too dependent back then
guest46:  Luke say hello to my mom 🙂
guest46:  Shes here
YourMoralLeader:  Hi mom!
YourMoralLeader:  She’s lovely
YourMoralLeader:  I adore your mom
guest46:  Say hello on the microphone
YourMoralLeader:  Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have, Diana
palestine4ever:  This is all very strange and outrageous.
guest46:  She earned it 🙂
YourMoralLeader:  If I made you feel second best
YourMoralLeader:  Girl, I’m sorry, I was wrong
guest46:  Shes laughing
YourMoralLeader:  But you were always on my mind
YourMoralLeader:  Maybe I didn’t hold you
YourMoralLeader:  all those lonely lonely times
Emma:  Oh for the love of god…..
YourMoralLeader:  I guess I never told you
YourMoralLeader:  I’m so happy that you’re mine
guest46:  You and your middle of the night visits against your parents wishes 🙂
guest46:  Good times, good times.
YourMoralLeader:  I needed to connect with you
palestine4ever:  TURN ON YOUR HEARTLIGHT, DIANA.
guest46:  Gosh I was young and stupid
YourMoralLeader:  I was feeling very holy
YourMoralLeader:  you had huge tits back then
YourMoralLeader:  E-cups naturally!
guest46:  Its DYANA now, btw
guest46:  I did, thanks for sharing
YourMoralLeader:  Then you had to cut ’em off in some fit of feminist rage
guest46:  You are a piece of work
palestine4ever:  pics or it didn’t happen
YourMoralLeader:  I hate to think I was the reason you cut ’em off
guest46:  Or..umm..comfort.
YourMoralLeader:  After me, Dyana hated herself as a woman, and cut off her breasts.
guest46:  would you stop that.
guest46:  I didnt hate myself.
guest46:  I hated you.
YourMoralLeader:  self-mutliation
YourMoralLeader:  so sad
YourMoralLeader:  I still feel guilt
guest46:  Have you eaten meat since then?
palestine4ever:  So after being wrecked by Luke’s sexual power, she went on a deranged fit of self-mutilation.
YourMoralLeader:  never
guest46:  You feel absolutely NO guit
guest46:  Thats not an emotion you possess
YourMoralLeader:  I’m racked, Dyana
palestine4ever:  I am outraged.
guest46:  Clearly.
guest46:  Turn that music off, uch.
YourMoralLeader:  I’m in a better place now, Dyana
YourMoralLeader:  I’m a different man, I was young and silly and holy
guest46:  Oh yeah? Good for you..
YourMoralLeader:  maybe not
guest46:  I have every belief your GF is a lovely, wonderful girl.
guest46:  DONT DESTROY her.
guest46:  DONT BETRAY HER.
guest46:  Dont be who you are.
guest46:  Be someone else for her.
russiandragon:  is holy a typo
YourMoralLeader:  Some say love it is a razor
guest46:  Im sure she deserves it 🙂
guest46:  Holy?
YourMoralLeader:  She loves it when I act out like Michael Collins
guest46:  You werent holy.
guest46:  Oh puhleeze.
YourMoralLeader:  very holy for you
russiandragon:  randy?
guest46:  Holy…. it was a facade.
guest46:  All of it.
guest46:  Although its nice to see you…
palestine4ever:  Luke’s life is performance art, intended to show the unbeliever that holiness can be found in all things profane.
palestine4ever:  It’s trippy.
guest46:  continued with y our Judaism..
palestine4ever:  He’s suffering for us.
guest46:  I was sure you did it just to piss your father off.
guest46:  Gag me.
palestine4ever:  I thought he already did?
guest46:  Hes suffering for himself..
guest46:  and if youd ask him directly he probably tell you that..
guest46:  he is a lot of things..
guest46:  but a liar really isnt one of them
guest46:  He will tell you truth, no matter how hurtful.
guest46:  Luke.. why are you playing music and not speaking?
palestine4ever:  And it was hurtful that he complimented you on your since disfigured bosom?
palestine4ever:  Outrageous.
YourMoralLeader:  I am speaking to you through my favorite tunes
Emma:  He has a habbit of doing that
YourMoralLeader:  I believe that love is a flower
YourMoralLeader:  that with the sun’s love becomes the rose
guest46:  Disfigured…thank you so much..truly
DiogoTheRealMoralLeader:  flower my aSS
DiogoTheRealMoralLeader:  moran
palestine4ever:  They had joy, they had fun, they had seasons in the sun
YourMoralLeader:  So are you single Dyana?
guest46:  Luke..a few years ago you seems to be ok, more normal…writing.. what happened since then?
guest46:  Who wants to know if Im single?
YourMoralLeader:  I’ve been growing spiritually 46
guest46:  You? Cmon, really
palestine4ever:  Goodbye, Dyana, it’s hard to die when all of the birds are singing in the sky 🙁
palestine4ever:  This chatroom is another self-sabotaging, self-destructive bender.
YourMoralLeader:  I no longer write on porn
guest46:  I think you look like a hobo.
guest46:  I have no idea what the purpose its of it other than to catch your drool
YourMoralLeader:  When I walk down the street, the kids pull on my tzitzit and asks for brachas
YourMoralLeader:  The beard has an important role in Judaism
YourMoralLeader:  It’s manly
guest46:  Oh please, you dont need a dirty looking beard, and dont need to look hassidic in order to be a good Jew.
guest46:  We have had this discussion
palestine4ever:  Life is not more meaningful because a few phrases from an arcane and absurd religion are attached to it.
YourMoralLeader:  Enough about me, Dyana, how are you?
YourMoralLeader:  How is your spiritual side? Are you nourishing it with Torah?
guest46:  Im doing well…went to a bat Mitzvah yesterday..
YourMoralLeader:  What work are you doing Dyana?
YourMoralLeader:  How’s your mom and dad?
guest46:  nourishing myself by being kind to people..
YourMoralLeader:  me too
guest46:  They are doing really well.
guest46:  My mom thinks you are nuts, but finds you continually entertaining
YourMoralLeader:  interesting
guest46:  I am a Marketing Director
YourMoralLeader:  but enough about me dyana, let’s talk about you
YourMoralLeader:  are you happy?
guest46:  Yes, then, lets.
guest46:  Im never happy..you should know this by now 🙂
guest46:  Im always looking for more 🙂
YourMoralLeader:  good
YourMoralLeader:  are you still looking for extraterrestrials for NASA?
guest46:  LOL Nah…
YourMoralLeader:  When I met Dyana, she was in outer space
YourMoralLeader:  How are you nourishing your soul, Dyana?
guest46:  That was soooo 1990s…I have moved on since then…
YourMoralLeader:  I haven’t changed much since I was 4yo
guest46:  I am noursihing my soul by meeting wonderful people…taking great care of my pup, travelling..working very hard..and learning
guest56:  Luke, "Rio Joe" here. I’m still depraved as ever, looking for salvation in all the wrong places (Brazil, etc.) Good to see you still keeping up the good fight.
guest46:  And you, Luke?
guest46:  How are you doing it?
guest46:  How are you being GOOD, and nourishing your sometimes-empty soul?
guest46:   All, Luke and i talk this way to each other..
guest46:  please don’t be freaked out by it.
guest46:  There is no malice there.
guest46:  Just little Ole luke and his tissues…
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana, I study Torah
guest46:  Good for you 🙂
YourMoralLeader:  I was always considerate and brought tissues when I sneaked into Dyana’s room
guest46:  LOL
YourMoralLeader:  did you mind me keeping my socks on?
guest56:  Any new books in the works?
guest46:  Yes.
guest46:  Just because you absorb info, doesnt mean you live it…
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana, you didn’t like the socks on?
guest46:  I did not.
guest46:  Very impersonal.
YourMoralLeader:  But what about when I was looking into your eyes and doing very personal things to you?
guest46:  I thought it was to muffle the sound of your footsteps
guest46:  through your home
YourMoralLeader:  true
YourMoralLeader:  but I get cold feet during intimacy so…
guest46:  I dont actually remember that…
guest46:  to be 100% honest.
YourMoralLeader:  neither do I
YourMoralLeader:  I have put my sins behind me
guest46:  Screw you
guest46:  I wasnt a Sin!
YourMoralLeader:  oh sorry
YourMoralLeader:  Everything I do, everyone I do, it’s a…sin
guest46:  I was wonderful to you and you were lucky to have me.
guest56:  FYI, I finally met a nice girl at Jewish singles party in NY. AND she can *** like Belladonna
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana, that’s true
YourMoralLeader:  56, way to go
YourMoralLeader:  You were very gentle and loving
guest46:  Thank you, Luke. I appreciate that.
YourMoralLeader:  and nurturing and sweet and giving
guest46:  Ir eally do.
guest46:  Yes I was, thanks.
guest56:  But she’s not keen on my "research trips" to Latin America.
YourMoralLeader:  That was a very dark time in my life
guest46:  Research trips?
YourMoralLeader:  I am so glad to be out in the world
YourMoralLeader:  56, funny that, are you going to give ’em up?
guest46:  It was, wasnt it. Yes, Im oh, so glad I could play a role during that time. (NOT)
guest56:  46 — I cover the adult entertainment scene there
guest46:  Oh..
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana, you should write a book about our time together
guest46:  OK, well..Luke, like your autobio…No one would care If I wrote one.
guest46:  No one reads that…
guest46:  Do they?
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana was shocked when I ended up writing on porn.
guest46:  Reality show? Oy vey..
guest46:  who wants to see you drink pee and not bathe?
YourMoralLeader:  My online autobiography, it gets a few hits
guest56:  Luke’s autobio is awesome. Luke, did you get an agent yet? are you seeking one?
guest46:  Hmm… I guess maybe people that didnt live in it…might find it interesting..
guest56:  "seeking" may be bad word in this context
guest46:  Although I suspect people might want to read more about my 2 year lesbian relationship…more than your readings of the torah 🙂
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana, unfortunately there’s not as much demand for moral leadership as there should be
YourMoralLeader:  Dyana, when was this?
guest46:  Gee, not as much demand? Im shocked!
guest46:  Well, anyway…Luke…as always, a pleasure…I always enjoy abusing you, even if only for a few moments…
guest46:  I always appreciate how you take it …like a man 🙂
guest56:  luke, i just found your camsite today thru tabloidbaby.com. this is perfect — seems definitely part of your calling
guest46:  Very graciously.
guest46:  And I wish you luck with your Irish girl…God help her if she develops a romantic relationship with you.
YourMoralLeader:  aw dyana, don’t hate, congratulate
guest46:  I really, really want you to be happy
guest56:  is cliff richard on your ipod?
mee:  you ok luke?
guest46:  I just dont know if you can be
YourMoralLeader:  I’m good, just sweaty
guest46:  or if you can make someone else happy
YourMoralLeader:  all I need is a miracle
YourMoralLeader:  no 56 to cliff
guest46:  Oy vey. Im out.  Be good, treat people well, Luke, ok?
guest46:  And say hello to your mom.
YourMoralLeader:  hi mom
Emma:  Bye Diana… nice meeting you.
YourMoralLeader:  good to see you Dyana
guest46:  By Emma. Good luck.
YourMoralLeader:  Bye
guest46:  Good to see you, Luke.
russiandragon:  bye dyana
YourMoralLeader:  XOXO
guest56:  c richard circa 1980: definitely an air supply sound. check him out.
guest46:  Bye all 🙂
YourMoralLeader:  ok
YourMoralLeader:  56, email me any suggested songs [email protected]
YourMoralLeader:  well, that was interesting
guest56:  his duet with olivia n john — to die for!
mee:  thats a large vodka and orange LUKE!!

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What The Hell Happened To Luke Ford?

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

Tabloid Baby reports:

Hey! What’s going on with pioneer blogger and charismatic Internet personality Luke Ford? The Woodstein of the pornography industry-turned-conflicted Orthodox Jew has always been a controversial figure, but as long as we’ve known him, he’s also been a well-groomed, camera-ready media star.

So imagine our surprise when we strolled though his site to see a photo of Luke looking like he’d been voted off Survivor, escaped from Josef Fritzl’s cellar or at the very least stepped off a Chabad mitzvah tank.

We asked Luke what’s up.

TB: Nice new look. Is it religious-inspired or are you preparing for a movie role?

Luke: Yeah, the beard is a religious thing. I read an article in the February issue of Commentary magazine on the role of the beard in Judaism and then went to lunch and sat next to a guy with a beautiful long white beard — the singer Rick Moses, a fellow convert to Judaism — that I decided to grow a beard.

Have you indeed given up the porn coverage?

I sold lukeisback last October and have not written on porn since (not for any sites that have porn advertising anyway, I guess I’ve mentioned the topic a few times on lukeford.net).

Have you given up all secular pursuits?

I have not given up all secular pursuits by any means.

Who do you endorse for president?

I don’t endorse anyone for president, but expect I’ll be voting for McCain. Uggh.

Anything else to report?

Could you mention or link to my live cam?

You got it.

CLICK HERE FOR LUKE FORD ‘S LIVE CAM.

OLD LUKE↓

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Jewish News Roundup

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

Tamar Fox — even when I hate what she says, I enjoy how she says it — writes for Jewcy:

  • Rabbi Avi Weiss and Rabbi Marc Angel have launched a new group for Orthodox rabbis called the International Rabbinic Fellowship, which they hope can be an answer to the Rabbinic Council of America and its constant edging to the right. More than a hundred rabbis have already expressed interest in the group.
  • A new study done by a Brandeis professor says that there are far fewer men involved in the Conservative and Reform movements than women. Prof. Sylvia Barack Fishman’s report, called “The Growing Gender Imbalance in American Jewish Life” will be published later this month. In response, the Reform movement is working on different ways to encourage men and boys to participate more in synagogue and youth group leadership, to attend services more often, and to increase their Jewish study.
  • Alysa Stanton-Ogulnick will be the first black Jewish female rabbi when she’s ordained by HUC Cincinatti next spring. In an interview with JTA she talks about her journey to Judaism, to rabbinical school, and struggling with prejudices in Israel.
  • Israeli military officials have stopped granting interviews to the Israel bureau of Al-Jazeera, effectively cutting off a significant line of communication to the Arab world. The IDF began the boycott in response to Al Jazeera’s coverage of the Gaza operations earlier this year. Meanwhile, an Israeli expert on Arab media from Bar Ilan Univeristy, Mordechai Kedar, has taken it upon himself to be unofficial voice of Israel, and has appeared on Al Jazeera several times.
  • In the wake of several recent attacks on Jews by African-Americans in Crown Heights, some with anti-Semitic undertones, a mediation group founded 17 years ago has reconvened. Project Care was established after the Crown Heights riots of 1991, with members from the African American and Jewish communities meeting to keep the lines of communication open. Though they haven’t met much in recent years, they’ve had three meetings in the past four weeks, as tension between the two communities grows.
  • The Avi Chai Foundation awarded a $275,000 grant each to four individuals and one team of two on Tuesday. The Avi Chai Fellowship is based on the MacArthur genius grants, and is meant to “be a vehicle for investing in people with vision, creativity, courage, savvy and stamina to try new things, to think outside the conventional boxes or inside them in new ways, and to see opportunities where others see obstacles” according to Avi Chai Chairman Arthur Fried. The winners are Ariel Beery, Aharon Horwitz, Dr. Betsy Dolgin Katz, Rabbi Elie Kaunfer, Rabbi Dov Linzer, and Rabbi Menachem Schmidt.
  • In Modiin, Israel, the first state-funded non-Orthodox synagogue has just opened. Though Orthodox congregations routinely get funding from the government for buildings, upkeep and even rabbi’s salaries, the Yozma congregation is the first Reform synagogue to get any money from the government for its building. To do so, it went before the Israeli Supreme Court twice.
  • Last night, for the first time, a Jewish woman and a Muslim woman received masters degrees at the Catholic Theological Union in Chicago. CTU has expanded its mission beyond the Catholic community, hoping to foster more dialogue and cooperation in interfaith settings.
  • Jerusalem hasn’t had a chief rabbi since 2003, and no one seems to mind except for Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, Israel’s chief Sephardic rabbi, who would like to see one of his sons appointed to the position.

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From Porn to Bibles to Puppies

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Luke Ford

Brad Stone writes for the New York Times:

TRIBUTES on the Web site of Richard J. Gordon‘s company strike all of the uplifting chords one would expect of a digital maverick. He is described as a “trailblazing businessman” who is “operating in the front ranks of those transforming the Internet into the global marketplace of the future.”

There is an echo of truth in all of this. Though most Internet buffs have probably never heard of him , Mr. Gordon, 62, played a significant role in the birth of electronic commerce. While Amazon.com and eBay were still fledgling enterprises, the companies that Mr. Gordon founded in the early 1990s were already laying the groundwork for electronic transactions conducted with credit cards — a development that opened the doors to the first generation of e-commerce start-ups.

And if the Internet is for porn, as the hit Broadway show “Avenue Q” asserts, perhaps it was only natural that many of Mr. Gordon’s early clients were purveyors of X-rated entertainment.

While riches were being minted and squandered in the dot-com ’90s, Mr. Gordon made a fortune by taking a commission for processing sales on a range of sites from small, mainstream retailers to others like ClubLove, which published the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee sex tape. Today, his payment processing company continues to have roots in the world of sexual entertainment. One of the several companies he owns or operates, Processing Solutions, facilitates credit card transactions for the Web sites of DTI, or Dial Talk International, according to current and former employees familiar with the arrangements.

DTI is based on the Caribbean island of Curaçao and runs, from Los Angeles, a vast and profitable network of explicit Web sites for the Japanese market.

As the Web has evolved since the early days of e-commerce, so has Mr. Gordon. Although he fashioned his early career around credit card transactions and helping Internet pornographers, he has more recently adopted an ecumenical approach to business as the shepherd for an altogether different endeavor: a Christian charity.

Until last week, Bold New World, his Los Angeles-based Web design firm, had a lucrative contract to design sites for the American Bible Society — the 192-year-old philanthropy based in Manhattan whose mission is to make a Bible available to every person in the world.

Bold New World has also created the Web site for a charity called SPCA International, which fights animal abuse; it helps members of the armed forces bring dogs home from Iraq. That charity has been stirring controversy in the animal-rights world because it owns no animal shelter and is unaffiliated with older and more established societies for the prevention of cruelty to animals.

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