The Messiah Will Arrive In Beverly Hills Singing ‘I’m All Out Of Love’

From my live cam chat:

zappa:  These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.  
KhunDiddy:  Luke I saw an anti Israel demonstration in Montreal. There were Jews demonstrating…shocking..Turn Coat Hebs..Who are those Yiddisha boys who wear hats that look like Fur Hat Boxes?
YourMoralLeader:  khun, they think we should wait for the messiah before restarting the jewish state
KhunDiddy:  Luke I’m betting you are the Messiah
KhunDiddy:  I’ve got a feeling the Messiah will return to us in beverly Hills to the tune of "All Out of Love"
zappa:  We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in  London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who,
zappa:  immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.  
KhunDiddy:  Emma have you fed the horses yet?
Emma:  Not my job anymore Khun
YourMoralLeader:  she rashly quit her job
YourMoralLeader:  confident I can support her
zappa:  Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.
Emma:  Interview tomorrow for another
Emma:  Don’t panic
zappa:  That’s because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. 
guest106:  but I thought you were searching for a woman who was too proud to let you work
zappa:  I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
guest106:  if you do take the night job don’t let the other luke write about you in his blog
KhunDiddy:  Fuzzy Wuzzy is waiting with open arms
guest106:  santa luke wants you to sit on his lap
zappa:  Tiger woods was on holiday in ireland  and pulled in to a petrol station to get some fuel and a little irish man came out and filled his car up ,and was looking over the car and looked in his car and saw loads of golf t s scattered around the in side of
zappa:  the car and some on his lap not knowing who tiger woods is he asked what the little sticks were tiger woods replied they hold my balls when i am driving.   the irish man sayed fk me these BMWS have everything 
YourMoralLeader:  What personality types are attracted to chat rooms?
guest108:  losers
KhunDiddy:  people without a life
KhunDiddy:  or people who Love Luke like Emma and myself
guest108:  people who need their egos stroked
zappa:     A man comes home to his wife, sits in his favorite chair and says to her"quick, get me a beer before it starts."
zappa:  She brings him a can of beer, he drinks it, and says "quick, bring me another beer, before it starts." She brings him another can, he drinks it down and says "and another beer, before it starts."
zappa:  She says to him " now look here you lazy fat arsehole, you come in here, barking your orders, who do you think you are?"
KhunDiddy:  and?
zappa:  He says to her,"o s**te, it’s started……."
KhunDiddy:  What did Jesus say to Afro American supporters before they hung him up on the cross?
KhunDiddy:  "don’t do anything until I get back"
zappa:  A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: ‘Olympic Condoms.’ Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. ‘Olympic condoms?’ she blurts. ‘What makes them so special? ”They’re in three colours,’
zappa:  ‘gold, silver, and bronze.”What colour are you planning on wearing tonight?’ she asks cheekily.’Why, gold, of course,’ says the man proudly.’Really?’ she responds. ‘Why don’t you wear the silver tonight? It’d be nice if you came second for a change.’
zappa:  Quit knocking Heather Mills, after all where is Sir Paul going to find another woman to fill her shoe!
zappa:  Woman walks in to a Newcastle hairdressers and says "I want a perm"  Hairdresser says "Certainly madame…….Roses are red, violets are blue….." 
zappa:  A paper bag goes to the doctors and say’s he is feeling off colour after doing loads of tests the doctor breaks the bad news " i’m afraid u have STD" the paper bag says " thats impossible i’ve never had sex in my life" the doctor replies
zappa:   your mother must have been a carrrier
guest108:  Zap, do they get better?
zappa:  Eight Words with two Meanings 
zappa:  1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.  Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.  Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
zappa:  2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.  Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.  Male…. Playing cricket without a box.
zappa:  3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.  Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.  Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the  boys.
User guest111 left the room.
zappa:  4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.  Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.  Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one
zappa:  5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.  Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
User guest112 ( entered the room.
zappa:  6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  Female…. An embarrassing by product of indigestion.  Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
zappa:  7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.  Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
zappa:  8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.  Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.  Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
This entry was posted in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.