Who Are These Lakers?

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

I’m watching a Laker game tonight (vs the San Antonio Spurs) for the first time since Los Angeles won the NBA championship about six years ago.

I only recognize one Laker – Kobe Bryant.

Who are all these guys? In particular, who are all these white Lakers?

There’s one guy named Walton who looks like Bill Walton. Any relation?

Tonight’s Lakers blew about a dozen layups.

How did the Lakers get into the Western Conference finals?

I guess it was defense.

So how did Phil Jackson coach these no-names into winners?

Is this his greatest coaching job ever?

Why am I wasting time and space on this goyisha nonsense when I should be studying Talmud?

Because class was canceled.

It’s not my fault I’m watching TV. It’s the rabbi’s fault.

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How A Woman Takes A Shower

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

Click here to join the fun.

LeahKleim:  Im tempted to start a chat room. I need an accomplice though
YourMoralLeader:  This can be your chat room too
YourMoralLeader:  We have the same mission
YourMoralLeader:  tikkun olam
LeahKleim:  I know we do. i support your madness.
LeahKleim:  I dont do sports. i use to hang with the miami heat and he dolphins , other than that I knoe nada about sports
zappa:  How to Shower Like a Woman…. 
zappa:  Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
zappa:  If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas
LeahKleim:   we should write a book. My perspective as as someone who grew up ultra frum. Your perspective, someone coming in and having issues and obstacles. well have to use spell check on me though because i have an all star yeshiva education
YourMoralLeader:  sounds good
zappa:  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
LeahKleim:  im serious !
zappa:  Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg,cloth. long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
LeahKleim:  I have a perfect body…almost. 36′ 26’36’
YourMoralLeader:  let me do some thinking, but it’s very tempting
zappa:  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
LeahKleim:  my hair is beautiful too
zappa:  Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean
zappa:  Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
LeahKleim:   i have been on pre-natal vitamins for 9 and a half yaers
zappa:  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
YourMoralLeader:  how much time do you put into your appearance every day leah?
LeahKleim:  i condition it with avacado, mayonaise, and beer
zappa:  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
LeahKleim:  about a whole 10 minutes
zappa:  Rinse conditioner off hair.
zappa:  Shave armpits and legs.
LeahKleim:  if i put more time in i would be truly irasitable and get raped
zappa:  Turn off shower.
LeahKleim:  i shave every day
YourMoralLeader:  Leah, thanks to your upbringing, you can’t fit in with the goyim and the non-frum yidden
zappa:  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
LeahKleim:  i know
zappa:  Spray mold spots with Tilex.
LeahKleim:  the maid does that
zappa:  Get out of shower and stand on bathmat
LeahKleim:  Im a jewish princess, I dont clesn
SamoverRebbe:  Leah, let me cut to the chase: you divorce you shagetz of a husband and marry Luke
zappa:  Dry with towel the size of a small country.
LeahKleim:  Luke is to good for me
zappa:  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
zappa:  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
SamoverRebbe:  If it would make you feel better, he could cheat on you with other women
LeahKleim:  I dont dry myself with a towel. I drip dry. It moisterizes your skin.
SamoverRebbe:  I see you working hard to support him
zappa:  How to Shower Like a Man…
YourMoralLeader:  Are you capable of monogamy Leah?
LeahKleim:  get in shower, beat off
LeahKleim:  yes
zappa:  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
LeahKleim:  throw them across the room
zappa:  Walk naked to the bathroom.
LeahKleim:  i always do
zappa:  If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound
zappa:  Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
LeahKleim:  why ? this wife brings the other girl home
zappa:  Admire the size of wiener and scratch your butt.
LeahKleim:  thats nasty
zappa:  Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
zappa:  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
LeahKleim:  get in the shower with your wife
zappa:  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
zappa:  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
zappa:  Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap
zappa:  Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk
SamoverRebbe:  Leah, this could be a Jewish home.  All it needs is a Jewish woman’s touch.
LeahKleim:  that is a recipe for divorce
zappa:  Pee.
SamoverRebbe:  Don’t be defeatist
zappa:  Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
zappa:  Dry off forearms and butt only.
SamoverRebbe:  Leah Kleim, this is the man you are meant to marry
LeahKleim:  and get rejected by your wife. get dressed, go pay hooker
zappa:  Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out or tub the whole time.
SamoverRebbe:  Think of the work the two of you could do on the web as Crusador Jews
zappa:  Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off, chuckle.
zappa:  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on
LeahKleim:  and go back to bathroom and beat off because wife rejected your nasty ass again
SamoverRebbe:  Get rid of the racial self-hatred, Leah.  Besides, Luke has the goyishe genes you crave.
zappa:  Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
zappa:  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
zappa:  Throw towel on bed.
LeahKleim:  i dont crave goyishe genes at all, it was a mistake i fell for, so i embraced it and enjoyed it
zappa:  Now, if there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
LeahKleim:  the sad truth is that , that is the life of a married jewish guy
LeahKleim:  Levi, do you regret converting?
guest300:  Leah, are you looking for a Shofar?
LeahKleim:  no, I dont need any tekua, terima
LeahKleim:  my doc gave me viagra
guest300:  why you take Viagra, Leah, can’t get it up anymore?
LeahKleim:  hell no. guys wanted it. he gives me what ever i ask for
LeahKleim:  he likes to listen to me breath and check my spine while im bent over his table
YourMoralLeader:  Leah, no I don’t regret
YourMoralLeader:  Most of my regrets are of my own moral weakness, tendency to take the lazy way out
SamoverRebbe:  Admit that you have Shaegetz fever, Leah, and acknowledge that with Luke you have the best of both worlds: Gentile genes (look at that punim!) and a torah-centric world view

guest313:  Dude, who is your favorite Rabbi at the RCC?
YourMoralLeader:  union
RabbiWeil:  I command all you single men to leave this room. There is a single lady. I don’t want you divorced men harrassing her.
StevenCohensBeer:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
User StevenCohensBeer left the room.
RabbiWeil:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
guest313:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
User guest313 left the room.
guest308:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
User guest308 left the room.
guest309:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
User guest309 left the room.
User guest316 (70.82.164.153) entered the room.
guest310:  1
guest310:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
User guest310 left the room.
RabbiWeil:  1
guest311:  Oh…….no….I’ll leave then…………for I fear Weiled wrath.
User guest311 left the room.
RabbiWeil:  1
RabbiWeil:  Now I can exercise my maximal powers and ban myself….
User RabbiWeil left the room.

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Leah Kleim Pictures

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

Here are the more tznious ones:

Me pregnant with my first baby, at Astroland.
Me and my sister Rivka Devora Kleim in camp Emunah.
Me at 18 sucking down a 40 in Crown Heights.
Me and my sister Rivka Devorah Kleim when we were Yeshiva Ohr Elchonon students.
Frum Bochur.

My sister Gaby, who died.
My parents with me and my cousin Rachel at 770.

 My first B-day.

Leah Kleim at 17 in the Brooklyn botanical gardens.
Leah Kleim and Frum Bochur. I was 18.
Me and Frum Bochur at Astroland when I was pregnant with my first baby.
Leah Kleim, at 3 years old.

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OMG It’s Jesus!!!

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

That’s the most common greeting I get these days in my chat room.

I find it disconcerting.

Here are the other greetings I receive in the order of their popularity:

Ur ugly
Grizzly Adams!
Hey Fuzzy Wuzzy
U need a shave!
What’s tefillin?
U wanna hook-up?

I try to teach my chatters that they are in the presence of G-d but something’s getting lost in the translation.

guest295:  OMG its jesus!!!!!!!!!!!
YourMoralLeader:  my child
User guest295 changed their name to IFoundJesus.
zappa:  What’s a hospice?
YourMoralLeader:  I am the way, the truth and the life
IFoundJesus:  hi jesus *waves*
zappa:  About a gallon and a half
User IFoundJesus left the room.

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Living in the Presence of G-d

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

Religion is totalitarian. It wants to take over all of your life, even how you make love to your wife.

Yeah, the rabbis say you should carry the consciousness of G-d into the bedroom and when that special time comes, you should be all grateful to HaShem.

Man, when I heard this, it put me right off sex.

My father the preacher man had a lot of alliterative sayings on this score to the effect that if G-d counts for something, He counts for everything.

I don’t want to be totalitarian. I don’t want to be like Hitler. I want to keep G-d in His place.

Everything has its place. Even G-d.

I go to shul to think about G-d. I go to Holly’s place to think about other things.

I see G-d as the concentrated fruit juice that you add to the smoothie of life. Too much and you lose the flavor of the fruit. Too little and life is bland.

Why can’t everyone be nice and moderate like me?

I oppose the Talibanization of Orthodox Judaism.

When I put it like that, don’t you agree with me?

If you don’t, you’re worse than Osama Bin Laden.

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The Other Woman

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

"Woman, why do you keep putting garlic in everything?" I bellow. "You don’t want me to be attractive to other women."

"Why do you want to be attractive to other women?" she says.

"I need the affirmation."

"I want you to go back on your lithium. I’d rather you be chubby and jolly."

"Woman, stop trying to make me fat and smelly.

"Here, let me put on a little bit of nice music."

"Stop with the sexy music! Spit out your sexy gum! I just want to cuddle. No funny business. I’m not used to being the other woman. I don’t like it. You’re being ridiculous. Everybody’s laughing at you."

"Don’t bother me woman!"

Sheesh, what’s with monotheism and monogamy? G-d doesn’t want us to have other gods, not even for a bit of fun on the weekends. We’re not supposed to go whoring, not even when we need a little pick-me-up. We’re not to have graven images and even wholesome hardcore American pornography is right out.

One God means one wife and one universal moral code.

I learned in my secular studies that poets have their own moral code. Our souls are so sensitive, our insights so keen, that we can’t be constrained by the conventional morality.

So do poets and bloggers get their own Torah? A more streamlined version to leave us with more time for our important work?

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I’ve Caught The Dreaded Bird Flu

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

How do I know?

Because I’ve started talking bollocks and I can’t park the car.

zappa:  Did you know the late Mahatma Gandhi suffered from very poor health?
zappa:  Oh, yes. He was too thin, had constant problems with sores on his body and had terrible bad breath.
zappa:  He was a supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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Why Should I Be Holier Than The Pope?

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

I was asked today how I feel about davening.

I hate it.

Is that the wrong answer?

I don’t care for ritualized prayer because it is repetitive. You just say the same words over and over again.

That’s no fun.

And what the heck would happen if I started to get some of the things I was putatively praying for — fear of G-d, love of G-d, love of Torah, obedience to G-d’s commandments, distancing myself from evil men and slutty women?

I wouldn’t recognize myself.

What if I stopped using words to hurt people?

I’d have nothing to say.

I heard somewhere that the pope prays for 20 minutes a day. Why the hell should I pray for three times as long as the Holy Father? I bet the Vatican is a much more spiritual place than shul. I bet you don’t have a bunch of snotty-nosed kids racing around the Vatican and screaming. I bet you don’t have a bunch of Jews who should know better spraying their cold and flu germs all over each other.

Shul is just not very spiritual. There’s no great art work and no choirs and no musical instruments on Shabbat.

What shul needs is some good Negro spirituals.

And more attractive single women.

Amen brother, preach the word!

I’ve been to the mountaintop and I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I have a dream of melodic soulful davening like the Happy Minyan has, only it ends on time and it’s not driven by weirdos.

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My Worst Experience At Delice

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

I’ve been going there for two years.

It’s a delicious kosher restaurant on Pico Blvd just east of La Cienega.

It’s a popular hang out for frum Jews.

I take my cheap dates there.

I usually order the same thing — the number five sandwich. It’s advertised as just bread and cheese but they usually stick some fresh tomato and cucumber in there. It’s good.

Today I was meeting a new friend. To celebrate, I thought I’d try the lunch special — half a sandwich, half a salad, a soft drink and mini pastries — al for $10.

Well, the beautiful girl behind the counter — the only person behind the counter at 12:40 pm — didn’t have a clue about her own restaurant’s lunchtime special. So I got charged $25 and only got a sandwich and a coke for myself and my guest.

I was too timid to sort out the problem. I insisted several times that I wanted the lunch special but she didn’t have a clue what that was and I felt so uncomfortable that i just gave up and took what was given me.

I didn’t want to appear to be Luking her down in front of my new friend.

PS: I got this fax:

My name is Julien Bohbot and I am the owner of Delice Bakery and the newly opened Delice Bistro restaurant. I would like to apologize to the customer who had a bad experience today at the bakery. First, I would like to give you a credit at your next visit for the inconvenience. Second, I would like to let you know that the employee in question this morning was a new hire and the other supervising employee was on break for five minutes. As you know, we are very customer-focused and take all measures to ensure customer satisfaction with both our products and our service.

That rocks!

Joe emails:

Strike while the iron is hot.

And maybe do some mutually beneficial stuff, like, you could ask questions or do little contests where the first person to give you the correct answer or to win the contest gets lunch on you, with you, at Delice.

P.S. You might want to point out that you’re talking about Delice, the bakery and coffee shop, rather than the new Delice French restaurant opened next door by the owner of the original Delice.

P.P.S. Talk to Julien about that Villaraigosa plan to change the lanes on Pico and Olympic Blvd–as you’ll recall from the LA Times story I sent you about it a while ago, he was one of the people quoted.

Jane emails: "My 411 on Delice Bakery – before you kiss up to them too much – I was there over Pesach to purchase chametz free baked goods – the prices weren’t marked on the items. The guy behind the counter was practically calling the shots, the lady in front of me in line made a scene saying no wonder every says they’re rip offs…so when it came to my turn I asked to purchase those small log cakes – he said $25 and for a small container of cookies also $25 – there were people behind me so I didn’t want to say anything and paid $50 for the two small items. Then I went across the street to the Glatt store – the same exact cake was $9.99."

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Orthodox Jews Burn Copies Of The New Testament

Posted on May 21, 2008 by Luke Ford

Brad A. Greenberg writes:

And you thought reaction to the Messianic Jew who wanted to compete in the Bible Quiz was ugly. Orthodox Jews pull a page from Nazi playbook in this AP report:

Or Yehuda Deputy Mayor Uzi Aharon said missionaries recently entered a neighborhood in the predominantly religious town of 34,000 in central Israel, distributing hundreds of New Testaments and missionary material.

After receiving complaints, Aharon said, he got into a loudspeaker car last Thursday and drove through the neighborhood, urging people to turn over the material to Jewish religious students who went door to door to collect it.

The books were dumped into a pile and set afire in a lot near a synagogue, he said.

The Israeli Maariv daily reported Tuesday that hundreds of Jewish religious school students took part in the book-burning. But Aharon told The Associated Press that only a few students were present, and that he was not there when the books were torched. Not all of the New Testaments that were collected were burned, but hundreds were, he said.

He said he regretted the burning of the books, but called it a "commandment" to burn materials that urge Jews to convert.

Just imagine if this had happened with distributed copies of the Quran. The Arab world would be looking for Jewish blood. Oh, nevermind.

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