Young Israel Of Valley Village

As I reported Friday, Beis Midrash Toras HaShem at 12422 Chandler Blvd will become Young Israel of Valley Village.

A source who initially derided this report called me Sunday to say he was wrong. Rabbi Block will stay on.

The black hats of Shaarey Zedek are forming their own breakaway shul led by Rabbi Edelstein and the affluent Darrison family.

Rabbi Edelstein was the assistant to Rabbi Aron Tendler.

When Rav Tendler left, many of the right-wingers at the shul didn’t understand why he was leaving. They wanted to make Rabbi Edelstein Shaarey Zedek’s main rabbi.

The old guard didn’t like Rabbi Edelstein. He was regarded as too young and lacking in stature.

Rabbi Edelstein doesn’t play politics. He just studies Torah. He’s right wing and doesn’t worry about the modern niceties (being friendly to people who aren’t so religious, whose wives wear pants and don’t cover their hair).

This breakaway movement (about 40 men) will rent out the space where the restaurant Rossis used to be (on Magnolia Blvd).

Rabbi Edelstein has a devoted clan who say that the rabbi has been treated shabbily by the new regime.

The Darrisons want people to be quiet and respectful when they come to the minyan to daven. If you can’t do that, then hit the road, Jack.

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Women Should Wear Lip Gloss

I like a woman’s lips to be shiny and wet.

I like to watch them pout and apply the gloss.

Blotting doesn’t do anything for me.

I also like signature kisses on correspondence.

I’m not really into the red hooker look nor the boring matron look nor the old bag look nor the hag look nor the I-don’t-wear-make-up-because-I’m-a-hippie look, nor the angry feminist look, nor the butch dyke look, nor the I’m-depressed-and-I-don’t-know-nor-care-whether-I’m-male-or-female look.

I want a woman to excite me and few things more excite me than a woman’s moist shiny lips smiling at me.

I want my woman to smell good and to taste good.

I want to tingle when I kiss her (which I won’t do until I’m married, rabbi).

I have many positive associations with lip gloss (never worn it myself, however).

I came to America in sixth grade (summer of 1977) and all the hot girls in my glass (the ugly ones might have worn it also but I didn’t notice) wore lip gloss. They used these big phallic-shaped lip gloss appliers and kept gliding them across their lips all day.

No wonder I got lousy grades.

Oh, how I wish I would’ve spent those years in yeshiva far away from temptation with only the Torah as my female company.

Their lips were so shiny and they smelled of fruit and I wanted to devour them (but held back for fear they’d call the cops or teachers on me).

My first French kiss was awkward. This freshman girl Alice in the newspaper room (it was junior year at Placer High School 1982) told me to throw away my cheese sandwich and then she leaned over and kissed me, her tongue throttling down to the back of my throat, I could barely breathe, I was so scared and inexperienced, frankly I was traumatized, but kinda glad I had gotten this over and done with so I’d know what to do next time, it didn’t hurt too much, just some necessary tearing, the whole thing lasted about ten minutes and when it was over, I felt embarrassed and shy and I didn’t speak to Alice again let alone kiss her.

A few weeks after my first French kiss, I was at Dr. Zane Kime’s house for a motzi Shabbos party. I was introduced to this blonde Freshman girl by this fat chick who went to Placer with me.

We sat up in this loft. After about an hour of conversation and with the fat chick still next to us, I started making out with this freshman. Boy, did she know how to kiss!

Her lips were moist and glossy. She tasted great. She glided her lips over mine and then she nibbled on my lips and then her tongue darted in and out of my mouth, and then we did the full lip lock thrusting tongues thing, and then all night she kept showing me new ways to kiss while her friend kept saying, "Oh boy" and "Oh my" and "You guys!" and "Get a room."

Everything I needed to know about kissing I learned that night.

It was magical.

And her lip gloss was a key ingredient in my pleasure.

So ladies if you want to please a man, keep your lips shiny and moist and your character firm and righteous.

I’ve made a video showing you how to be a confident kisser and I’m making it available to every Young Israel shul in America that doesn’t have a woman as president.

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Who Wants To Watch Movies With Me?

I’m so very tired. Exhausted tired, not sleepy tired.

It’s gloomy out and gloomy in.

My hovel smells of the wintergreen oil I put on my aching elbows.

I’ve been to the video store and I’ve got:

* The first three episodes of The Wire 4th Season
* The Lives of Others
* Lust Caution (it’s from the director of Brokeback Mountain, rabbi, so it can’t be too hetero)
* American Gangster
* Downfall (about Hitler)
* Kite Runner – v. wholesome

Yes, I know, I’m living in a box in the presence of G-d. And that’s OK with me.

I’m never happier than when I’m doing mitzvot.

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Rabbinic Corruption

Gadi Pickholz from the Israel Fathers Rights Advocacy Council emails: "Luke: Just over 50% of all cases before Israel’s rabbinic courts are appealed, and just over 65% of those appeals are found valid. Yet in the US, both the RCC and Bet Din of America of the RCA insist on parties agreeing in advance that their initial rulings are binding and without appeal –all with part time, amateur dayanim whose main jobs are pulpits (a conflict of interest not permitted in Israel at all). The rabbinic court numbers are basically in line with the secular court numbers — bet din dayanim are no more, no less, professional than their secular counterparts in the lower civil courts. How could it be statistically possible, therefore, for the RCC and RCA to insist in the 21st century on the infallability of their da’as torah? This is simply the Talibanization of the Rabbinate, with an all too willing congregation permitting it to occur at their own expense."

From Haaretz:

The comptroller’s review of administrative procedures at rabbinic courts found problems with 83 percent of cases at the Tel Aviv court, and 71 percent of cases handled in Petah Tikva.

These two courts were the focus of an examination conducted between between April and August 2007, which considered how the courts’ administrative offices operated, and the speed and quality of judicial proceedings. The parameteres considered included proceedings for expediting an official get after a divorce decree has been approved, follow-up on inactive cases, orderly implementation of court rulings, and updating data in the computerized system.

In 17 percent of the cases checked, delays were found in the procedure for granting the get – a step that follows a divorce ruling, and without which a couple is not considered divorced. In 12 percent of cases checked, that procedure had been held up for months and even years.

The court administration does not keep tabs on cases, which leads to their dragging on, the review found.

Absences by judges led to hearings being postponed by several months in 26 percent of cases checked.

The comptroller referenced a 2004 review by the judiciary ombudsman and retired Supreme Court justice Tova Strasberg-Cohen, which found that some rabbinic court judges, or dayanim, were engaged in additional occupations. Then-justice minister Yosef Lapid ordered that a dayan who wishes to hold a second job must reapply each year for approval from the Supreme Rabbinic Court president and the justice minister. But the comptroller found that since the end of January 2005, the rabbinic courts administration never contacted moonlighting dayanim about renewing their applications.

In another matter, the review discovered that a female employee who was appointed administrator of the Petah Tikva court in November 2006 never began work, after the judges wrote to the chief administrator objecting to a woman being introduced into an all-male province. As of October 2007, an administrator had not been appointed to the court, which severely undermines its ability to function, and violates gender equality laws.

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A Whole Lotta Women At The Happy Minyan

It’s become the place (at the Karate Academy, 9218 West Pico Blvd (at Glenville), 90035) in Los Angeles to meet single Jewish females. There were half a dozen Shabbos morning, all attractive and around 30 years of age.

"You think you might go?" asked a friend.

"I could be persuaded to extend my pastoral care to the lost children of the Happy Minyan. Oh ye who killed the prophets, wouldst that I could’ve gathered you to my breast."

"You sound like Rev. Des."

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Why Are Nordic Mysteries So Glum?

Because they are about Godless people.

All deep writing about the Godless is glum.

There’s no rational reason to be happy unless one believes in G-d and participates in an organized religion.

Look at me. My writing overflows with joy because I’m God’s humble servant. My every action is governed by His immutable moral law.

Joe Queenan writes in today’s L.A. Times:

Take the Scandinavian Whodunit Boom. A month ago, Karin Fossum’s novel, "The Indian Bride," won the Los Angeles Times Book Prize for best mystery. Fossum, a glum Norwegian, beat out a moody Swede and a German who writes about a severe Finnish cop. It’s Swedish." And a first-class mystery it was, the latest in a series by Swedish novelist Henning Mankell featuring the chronically depressed detective Kurt Wallander. (Some may argue for Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple, but Christie is a conventional mystery writer whose work never even vaguely approaches the level of art.) Then I began gobbling up Mankell’s numerous proteges and imitators.

Finally, I began giving Swedish murder mysteries to fellow mystery lovers as anomalous Christmas presents. Wallander did not wear cool clothes and did not have a cool record collection and did not have any cool friends and was not an oenophile.

Mystery lovers are a finicky breed; we share a love of the genre but do not love all its practitioners equally. My sister Agnes has read all of Christie, who leaves me cold, while I have devoured 100 books by Simenon, whose charms remain elusive to most Americans. The only other hard-core Maigret fan I know is an ex-Marine who flies corporate jets, does not speak French and has no use for most other mystery writers.

My sister Eileen passes along every Ruth Rendell mystery she reads, while I send her the latest book by Fred Vargas, the pseudonym of a French medievalist whose 12 mysteries center on a weird cop named Jean-Baptiste Adamsberg. A friend of mine, 32, in a spectacular deviation from officially sanctioned generational behavior, was very involved in the punk rock movement of the 1990s, yet has read all 72 of Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe books.

Mysteries set in foreign climes have steadily grown in popularity in recent years.

Since I got started on my Scandinavian mystery jag, I have read the Inspector Van Veeteren novels by Hakan Nesser, the Inspector Lindell series by Kjell Eriksson, the Inspector Winter novels by Ake Edwardson and two Inspector Huss novels by Helene Tursten. Every one of these writers is good, but in my book, Arnaldur Indridason is even better.

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Help Me Get Back To My Planet

I had such big plans for Thursday night.

I was going to the JConnect barbie at Dockweiler Beach.

I had a ride.

I was going to be social.

I’m social in waves. It takes some effort. But if I push myself, then it is easier to do it over and over.

Then the clouds rolled in Thursday afternoon and the water and the thunder.

I was so very tired and weak. Could barely pick up the kids.

Couldn’t wait to get away.

Didn’t want a ride home.

As I walked through the rain to the bank to deposit my check, I felt myself drowning in exhaustion.

I felt like I was relapsing into that 24-hour cold I had three weeks ago.

Relapsing into 20 years of chronic fatigue.

There was no hope. None. No hope. Hopeless. No salvation. No release. No exit.

I was in a vice. A box. Orthodox Judaism. Chronic Fatigue. Boxes.

I lived in boxes. One chosen.

I was so very tired.

I was staying home.

I didn’t leave the hovel Friday. I pushed myself through a normal day of blogging. I thought about pushing myself to shul but collapsed in bed instead. Didn’t bother with kiddish or prayer. Just closed the blinds and lay in the darkness.

So if I died right now, how long till someone would miss me and come looking?

I take my index finger and push the center of my chest. It hurts. There’s no visible bruise just an ever-present pain.

I strap on the splints to my feet to control the plantar fascitis.

I slip in the mouth guard to minimize the damage from my TMJ.

I must get that poked at my next acupuncture session.

I had dreams of spending this weekend in Yosemite.

I had so many dreams. None of them involved lying sick in a hovel just before my 42nd birthday.

Shabbos morning. Maybe I’ll go to shul.

I walk the length of my hovel.

I feel dizzy.

I go back to bed.

I nap intermittently through the day.

I read two books by Joanna Hershon — The Outside of August and Swimming (from which I take the title of this blog post).

At 4:40 p.m., I leave my place for the first time in two days.

As I walk up the street, I see two girls a few blocks away. They’re staring in my direction.

I feel a surge of strength.

"Daddy’s coming," I whisper.

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‘Can Anyone Grow Up To Be (Shul) President?’

I get off my sickbed Shabbos afternoon and go to this lecture.

Last year, a Young Israel shul hired a graduate of the most left-wing Orthodox yeshiva (Chovevei Torah) — as its assistant rabbi.

A few months later in response, the Young Israel movement required that all rabbis hired by Young Israel shuls be approved by a panel of rabbi who hate Chovevei Torah.

All Young Israel shuls and everything of value inside of them are owned by the Young Israel movement.

This movement also ruled last year that women and converts can never be presidents of a Young Israel synagogue.

It’s rare for an Orthodox synagogue to have a woman president. I’m not sure if any have had a convert as a president. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ruled about 40 years ago that a convert could be the rosh yeshiva of a particular Talmudic academy.

From the December 3, 2007 YU Commentator (the student newspaper of Yeshiva University):

Young Israel officials were not only exercised by the new rabbinic screening policy; the NCYI’s recent decision to bar females and converts from being a Young Israel synagogue president was heavily criticized as well.

Dr. Jay Cinnamon, past president of the Young Israel of Toco Hills, Atlanta, who spoke as a private citizen, said he was "disappointed but not shocked" that the NCYI chose to ban women from holding a synagogue presidency. But he found the ban on converts "repugnant." He explained that in Atlanta and many other cities, there is "a small but significant number of converts, many of whom are true gerei tezedek and extraordinarily devoted to the community and halacha." Many of them, he said, are "as pious as any other Jew." Dr. Cinnamon said that to categorically deny converts synagogue presidencies removes productive members from consideration, and possibly more injurious, sends a "profound and distasteful message" that converts are not fully equal Jews.

Other Young Israel officials shared his sentiments. 58% of Young Israel leaders said that they strongly felt that their president should be male. But 67% strongly believed that a convert should be able to serve as president. In practice, it seems that several Young Israels have had females serving as de facto presidents, though at times they used different titles.

The NCYI gave no defense for their restrictions on synagogue presidential candidates in their memorandum. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, a leading scholar of the last generation, wrote responsa addressing the scope of the prohibition against converts or females serving in a position of coercive authority over other Jews. Medieval scholars dispute whether women can hold such positions, and Rabbi Feinstein decides strictly, mentioning in passing that women shouldn’t be shul presidents. While he also upholds the prohibition on giving converts a position of major authority, he does advocate using maximum possible leniency on this issue to be sensitive to converts, and he explicitly permitted a convert to become a rosh yeshiva. He did not say whether a convert was prohibited from becoming president.

Women’s Tefillah & Megillah Reading Services Banned

The NCYI also recently prohibited all Young Israels from having women’s tefillah and megillah reading services. One president of a Young Israel, whose shul holds women’s tefillah services under his rabbis’ aegis, felt that this was a grave overreach. "This is a halachic issue, but they should allow the shul rabbis to make these decisions."

Dr. Cinnamon was particularly upset that they chose to focus their energies on these topics in the face of what he thought were "the big issues facing the Jewish community." He asked, "what is more critical to the Jewish people, and more relevant for the NCYI to be dealing with right now: massive assimilation in America and existential threats to Israeli security? Or whether converts can serve as shul presidents?"

Rabbi Jacob J. Schacter, senior scholar at Yeshiva University’s Center for the Jewish Future, stressed that "the authority to decide whether women should hold a tefillah or megillah reading service, or elect a woman or ger as president, should be left up to the rabbi of the shul."

NCYI’s Rightward Shift

Many officials inside the Young Israel as well as observers outside of it thought that the host of new directives reflected an ideological shift to the right by the NCYI. The specifically anti-YCT rabbinic screening process and the more restrictive, rightward shift on the issues of synagogue presidents and women’s tefillah and megillah reading services seem to encroach further on what have previously been individual synagogue’s prerogatives. While Rabbi Lerner had said that rabbinic candidates "don’t have to match my exact hashkafa" to pass the investigatory committee’s muster, some members feel that the recent decisions seem to indicate that individual synagogues need to match the NCYI’s hashkafa in order to retain their Young Israel affiliation.

Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot, Chair of YCT Rabbinical School’s Departments of Tanakh and Jewish Thought, thought that the shift has been long in the making, noting that "I and others in the Orthodox community believe that Young Israel has a much broader issue. In the last two decades, the national office has developed a narrower conception of what Orthodoxy is and represents, in both religious and Israeli political issues. This stands in contrast to what many other fine, upstanding Orthodox institutions, rabbis and baalei batim believe and what the Young Israel itself represented in the not too distant past." Dr. Cinnamon further worried about stifling the variety within Modern Orthodoxy, saying that it was "disconcerting that one body of rabbis was making decision for synagogues and their rabbis scattered throughout country." One search committee head said that he had received several resumes, and all of them were for candidates far to the right of the synagogue and what he considered mainstream Modern Orthodoxy. Rabbi Yosef Blau, mashgiach ruchani of Yeshiva University, mused that the spirit and ideology of the Young Israel movement has strayed far from its original roots, which were focused on involving a broader segment of young Jews and preserving the tenets of Judaism, rather than elevating minority opinions on women’s megillah readings into standardized law. "The Young Israel movement of today is not the Young Israel that I grew up with."

Generally speaking, having a woman or convert in a position of coercive leadership has not been done in Jewish history, but the position of shul president is not one of coercive leadership.

Until modern times, women and converts were regarded as adjunct members of the community. In Jewish as well as goyish society, it was not considered that women were equal to men. Women were rarely considered for positions of leadership.

Young Israel of East Brunswick is the only Young Israel shul to have a woman president. The Young Israel headquarters refused to acknowledge her. They kept sending their mail to her predecessor. On the positive side, the movement didn’t send the shul an invoice for dues for those two years.

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‘I Want To Be 1 With You’

That was a line from my chat room today.

It was so pithy and eloquent, I want to appropriate it.

I’m not much of a mystic, but that woman’s hunger for union with G-d (for that was what she truly meant, even if she didn’t realize it) inspires me.

I want to be 1 with you!

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The Rabbi And The Wanker

I’m working on a top secret somewhat autobiographical novel about a not-so-young man working out his mishegos before he gets thrown out of the last Modern Orthodox shul within walking distance.

How do you like it so far?

I’m open to alternative titles.

Perhaps something a little more holy? The Pride and the Prejudice? The Tart and the Vicar? The Rabbi and the Goy? Rabbi and Me?

From my cam chat:

AnIronic:  Luke, I found a way to make some quick bread that beats your web income stream to date.  At least it does where I live.
AnIronic:  Jury duty.  You show up, maybe get paid, then don’t get picked.
AnIronic:  The easiest $40 you will ever make.
YourMoralLeader:  it’s about $15 a day right?
AnIronic:  In New York it is $40/day
AnIronic:  What do yo make off your web site / day?
AnIronic:  Bet it is less.
AnIronic:  Heck, it beats what you make blogging AND writing
SimonSmith:  don’t bother our moral leader
AnIronic:  Why should you slave away as a blogger when you could be making the easy money as a juror, deciding the fate of people of color?
AnIronic:  Sperm donation.  I think it is $50/pop, but they really restrict the number of pops/week
RabbiArielSokolovsky:  I was just almost falling on the floor laughing reading your post about "Leah Kleim the movie"
AnIronic:  As fate had it today, I wasn’t even called into the jurors’ box to be questioned as to my suitability to decide the fate of a young black man accused of trying to murder several people
AnIronic:  None of whom, we were told, would be testifying – not the alleged shooter, and not either of his victims.
AnIronic:  I suspect a business dispute up in Harlem
AnIronic:  They filled the jury before getting to me
AnIronic:  On the other hand, this sucker would have been a two week trial.
YourMoralLeader:  does your employer pay you for this time?
palestine4ever:  Were the Village People or ABBA unavailable for your sabbath serenade?
AnIronic:  Men of leisure like Luke and I are among the few who can afford that.
AnIronic:  Nope, I get no such benefits.
RabbiArielSokolovsky:  I went to Shaws supermarket yesterday night and met a Boston Jewish Advocate reporter Susan Davidson who uses the store as her office due to a very fast free WIFI there:-)
AnIronic:  $40 for three days, that is it.
AnIronic:  I fall into the gaps
AnIronic:  But if you are totally unemployed or self employed, you get $40/day
RabbiArielSokolovsky:  we had a very long talk
AnIronic:  I was preparing for this case too, going to far as to watch the first season of "The Wire"
YourMoralLeader:  i love tha tshow
YourMoralLeader:  i own the first 3 seasons
AnIronic:  First time viewing it; it is great.
AnIronic:  I like watching shows like that a season at a time.
AnIronic:  None of this waiting a week for me
AnIronic:  Man, you should have seen the efforts people were making not to serve.  And there I was, not even called to speak, to explain my view of humanity and how it must be governed
YourMoralLeader:  Don’t you have a life?
RabbiArielSokolovsky:  her sites are http://www.SusieD.com and http://www.IRefusedToDie.com with her book with many stories based on interviews of Holocaust survivors in Boston area
AnIronic:  Luke, if I had a full life, think how impoverished your web sites would be

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