Women Should Wear Lip Gloss

I like a woman’s lips to be shiny and wet.

I like to watch them pout and apply the gloss.

Blotting doesn’t do anything for me.

I also like signature kisses on correspondence.

I’m not really into the red hooker look nor the boring matron look nor the old bag look nor the hag look nor the I-don’t-wear-make-up-because-I’m-a-hippie look, nor the angry feminist look, nor the butch dyke look, nor the I’m-depressed-and-I-don’t-know-nor-care-whether-I’m-male-or-female look.

I want a woman to excite me and few things more excite me than a woman’s moist shiny lips smiling at me.

I want my woman to smell good and to taste good.

I want to tingle when I kiss her (which I won’t do until I’m married, rabbi).

I have many positive associations with lip gloss (never worn it myself, however).

I came to America in sixth grade (summer of 1977) and all the hot girls in my glass (the ugly ones might have worn it also but I didn’t notice) wore lip gloss. They used these big phallic-shaped lip gloss appliers and kept gliding them across their lips all day.

No wonder I got lousy grades.

Oh, how I wish I would’ve spent those years in yeshiva far away from temptation with only the Torah as my female company.

Their lips were so shiny and they smelled of fruit and I wanted to devour them (but held back for fear they’d call the cops or teachers on me).

My first French kiss was awkward. This freshman girl Alice in the newspaper room (it was junior year at Placer High School 1982) told me to throw away my cheese sandwich and then she leaned over and kissed me, her tongue throttling down to the back of my throat, I could barely breathe, I was so scared and inexperienced, frankly I was traumatized, but kinda glad I had gotten this over and done with so I’d know what to do next time, it didn’t hurt too much, just some necessary tearing, the whole thing lasted about ten minutes and when it was over, I felt embarrassed and shy and I didn’t speak to Alice again let alone kiss her.

A few weeks after my first French kiss, I was at Dr. Zane Kime’s house for a motzi Shabbos party. I was introduced to this blonde Freshman girl by this fat chick who went to Placer with me.

We sat up in this loft. After about an hour of conversation and with the fat chick still next to us, I started making out with this freshman. Boy, did she know how to kiss!

Her lips were moist and glossy. She tasted great. She glided her lips over mine and then she nibbled on my lips and then her tongue darted in and out of my mouth, and then we did the full lip lock thrusting tongues thing, and then all night she kept showing me new ways to kiss while her friend kept saying, "Oh boy" and "Oh my" and "You guys!" and "Get a room."

Everything I needed to know about kissing I learned that night.

It was magical.

And her lip gloss was a key ingredient in my pleasure.

So ladies if you want to please a man, keep your lips shiny and moist and your character firm and righteous.

I’ve made a video showing you how to be a confident kisser and I’m making it available to every Young Israel shul in America that doesn’t have a woman as president.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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