The Bad Jew: Port Of Call – Dockweiler Beach

Sunday afternoon. I can’t believe I can’t pull off a car pool from Pico-Robertson. I am a 43-year old loser who’s about to crash another JConnectLA event expressly designed for people under 40.

I am a pariah. I have no friends. Why do I even bother trying?

She emails back: “Lol,Luke this is funny…I feel like in a time machine! I think you asked me for a ride there in 08 and 09! I know,we’ve known eachother THAT LONG?!”

Sheesh, parking is going to cost $5. I’ll spend about $8 on gas. The wear and tear on my vehicle, probably another $10. Why go? I don’t eat meat. I can’t sing. I don’t play an instrument. It’s going to be a dark and lonely night. I’ll probably have an accident and kill a bunch of retarded people in wheelchairs.

So I go and I find free parking on Vista Del Mar and I talk to blokes and I lie on some sheila’s blanket and I look up at the sky and feel a cold wind against my cheek and people walk by and say, “That guy’s going to get stepped on.”

And so I walk off and I stand by the fire and I look at the party all around me and here I am, Mr. Verbal, and I’ve got nothing to say. Might as well go home, do a U-turn over the solid yellow lines and resolve to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

A girl says to me, “You can tell someone’s health by their skin. Your skin is glowing.”

“Your heart is very open right now,” says another girl.

Damn, why did I have to eat three straight meals of four hardboiled egg whites, oatmeal with frozen blueberries and walnuts smothered in chocolate soy milk, and a mouthful of parsley?

I sense a great controversy in my intestinal tract and I fear the good guys are losing.

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It Makes Me Feel Awkward When You Care For Me

I am much more comfortable if you simply hate me. Then I can hate you. And I don’t have to deal with any awkward feelings.

Dr. Spielvogel, the lay-out of this room has changed. Our chairs are too close together. Here, let me pull mine back. That’s better.

“What would happen if we stayed close?”

It would make me feel awkward. It would be too intimate. Yuck, I’d rather talk about ****ing bitches.

If we stayed close, I’d have to start banging my head against the wall. Then the men in white coats might come in and take me away. They’d put me in the home and shoot me full of thorazine. I’m supposed to see a girl this afternoon. I don’t want to be stuck in a home. So, no thank you, I’ll stay here.

Can we talk about sex now? I’ve endured two minutes of intimacy. Now I want a release.

“You were five minutes late today. That’s not like you. I was concerned. How does that feel for you that I was concerned?”

It feels really awkward. I’m not comfortable with people caring for me. I’d rather you just looked at me as community service hours that you have to fulfill for that bit of bother with the 14-year old girl.

“Why does it feel awkward for you when people care for you?”

Because it might expose who I really am. Because it opens up feelings I’d rather keep hidden. If you care for me, then I might care for you. That might expose stuff that I’ve squashed down, pushed down, stuffed in a box, locked up, buried in a basement, and I’ve covered that basement with 10-feet of concrete.

The stuff in that box scares me. If you opened it up, well, I don’t think that I would be cool, calm, and collected. I’d be volatile. I’d be a needy little boy. I don’t want to open that box. I don’t want to be a needy little boy. I might lie on the couch and start crying. I’d start seeking reassurance. I’d be really vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable. I’d rather be the cock of the walk.

The stuff in that box I’ve hidden away, I fear it might be radioactive. It might explode if exposed to the open air.

I feel a lot of shame. My…wasn’t cool. I was never one of the cool kids in school. My mom died. So that mommy protection most kids take for granted, I didn’t get. Instead, I got exposed as needy and insecure and attention-seeking. Not good for nailing the bitches.

Oh, it’s fine for me to write out vulnerable stuff, but I don’t want to talk it out face to face. That’s scary. What if you get to know who I really am, and then you reject me? I don’t want to experience that. I want to be cool and calm and in control and ****ing bitches.

No, I don’t want to talk to him. That would be an awkward conversation. I don’t like those type of conversations. I just want to fly under the radar. If I talk to him, it might be painful. I’d feel like a dick. I’m just going to keep things on the down low.

Anyway, I’ve changed. I don’t want to have conversations about this. What if I started experiencing powerful emotions and my lip started quivering and my eye began blinking and my heart pounded and I saw that what I wanted most might disappear from my grasp? I don’t like that. Let’s talk about ****ing bitches.

That would be really therapeutic for me. I want to **** a ….woman. It’d be very healing. I’d re-experience the trauma of my childhood but heal it through a vigorous session of ****ing. The… ****ed my… and so I want to **** some….bitch in retaliation.

I’m much more comfortable with this type of conversation. Gonna **** me some bitches. Then I can open up emotionally. We can lie there all spent and panting for breath and there are no longer pretenses between us and now it’s not so scary to share emotions. But to share that with someone I’m not ****ing, that’s scary. I keep that stuff locked up and buried in a basement.

“What do you want him to know about you?”

The less the better. Umm, how about I have borrowed functioning when I’ve got a sheila in my life. She props me up. And that I need to work on my differentiation.

I wish I had a guitar right now so that I could sing a funny song and we could get away from all this icky intimacy.

When I’m ****ing bitches I feel powerful. When I have this type of awkward intimate conversation, I feel vulnerable.

Our intimacy, sometimes it is awkward and sometimes it is hard. Right now I’m seeing how far I have to go. I see these big mountains right in front of me and I don’t feel strong enough to climb them right now.

You often ask me, “Why don’t you tell her how you feel?”

That makes me feel very awkward and vulnerable. No chick that I dig is going to respond positively if I tell her out of the blue, “I really care for you and I want to know you better.”

So when you have me imagine being in such scenarios, I feel awkward.

There are some sessions where I just skip through. I just glide by. Then there are sessions like today where I run into big issues. This was much more uncomfortable, much more intimate, than normal. I’ve run into some brick walls here. I want to be close to people yet intimacy scares me.

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Tuition At Milken Community High School Reaches $30,000 A Year

That’s $2,000 a year more than Harvard Westlake charges.

Milken has two Orthodox teachers and about six students from Orthodox homes (as well as a few traditional Sephardic kids) who tend to become less Orthodox the more time they spend at Milken.

The non-Jewish principal of Milken, Roger Fuller, was due to leave for another job but on Friday he announced he was staying.

The Modern Orthodox day school YULA charges tuition in the neighborhood of $23,000 a year.

Shalhevet will charge $27,500 for the next school year.

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The Star Of David

Here’s model Bar Refaeli with Leonardo DiCaprio.

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When The Rabbi’s Wife Is Not A Rebbetzin

I remember feeling taken aback about 13 years ago when the wife of a Modern Orthodox pulpit rabbi told me in no uncertain terms that she was not a rebbetzin.

These days most Orthodox communities are seeking a “Rabbinic couple” rather than just a Rabbi. Much of the reason for Beth Jacob hiring Kalman Topp was because they respected his wife as much as they respected him.

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Amalek Declares Luke A Jew

Bob emails: “Why is Luke Ford not profiled here? His omission here is more hurtful than his absence from hotornot.com.”

Khunrum emails: “Let’s face it lads. No one takes this Luke/Jew thing seriously including Luke. He’s about as Jewish as the Pope.”

Chaim Amalek emails: “I don’t agree. As of this moment, today, Luke Ford is Jewish. He has undergone a conversion that, this third time, is apparently accepted by the vast majority of the orthodox rabbinate of his community. He has done everything that has been asked of him and more, going so far to emasculate himself as a writer, a journalist, and as a man earning a livelihood. He (to the best of my knowledge) has no online or other activities that are in any way incompatible with the dictates of Pharisaical Judaism as practiced by orthodox Judaism. Sure, the important men of his adopted community are not about to seriously suggest a matrimonial match that might link their families to his, but that is more because of his age, appearance, and poverty than because they do not regard him as having undergone a proper conversion.

“It is fundamentally wrong and wrong-headed to write about Luke Ford 2010 as though he were the Luke of 2000 or even 2005. Luke is an orthodox Jew, and lives his life accordingly. Let’s give the “Luke is no Jew” theme a rest.”

Khunrum emails: “Not until I see DNA proof that Luke is a Yid. Until then, he is still the delusional offspring of a Christian Minister as far as I and the Pico/Robertson crowd are concerned. I am rather offended when I hear Luke referring to Christians as “the goyim” as if we are dimwits and he is somehow mentally superior to us. I consider (right or wrongly) the word Goyim a slur on par with the word Nigger. Does babbling a few “conversion” chants, wearing a yarmulke and a Tolstoy beard give one extra I.Q points? Luke isn’t fooling anyone. Not Rabbi Muskin, not me, not Robert and not you Chaim. Come on already.”

Al emails me: “Why would you pay any attention to what Khunrum says, or publish it? We are repeatedly enjoined to welcome and not discriminate against converts. I don’t know who Khumrum is — but he is either a non-Jew or a Jew who isn’t mindful of our Torah-mandated commandments. His suggestion that you need to have Jewish DNA, and his dismissing your fealty to the Torah, are over the top. As a 60+ yr FFB, I would associate Khunrum’s attitude with the most ignorant among us. Please ignore him.”

Jeff emails: Dear Chaim Amalek:

How do we know that Luke Ford isn

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The Richer The Shul, The Colder

My theory is that rich people feel less of a need to reach out to strangers and to make them feel welcome. Instead, they are used to people clambering for their attention.

Perhaps a big part of the reason that churches are often more welcoming than synagogues is that churches have a higher proportion of poor people.

Successful people have a life. They feel less of a need to convert people to religious beliefs and practices.

Chuck emails:The rich resent the poor because the rich believe the poor believe that the rich owe something to the poor. The poor resent the rich because they are rich.

770 Eastern parkway and certain other lubavitch schuls and some but not all upper west side schteiblach are the only place in which I have davened in which this duality didn’t exist. Others did, but not rich v poor. It was always nice to notice close friends who in other schuls wouldn’t be in the same row fighting and laughing as the equals they truly believed they were.

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Seen and Heard At A Shabbos Table

* The Orthodox couple are in their thirties. They’re having guests who are new to Orthodox Judaism.

The host wife keeps using the word “shvartze” and then apologizing for it. Her rabbi says Jews shouldn’t use that word.

The husband starts talking about how the Pico-Robertson neighborhood was filled with “shvartzes.”

The wife corrects him. “Honey, don’t say shvartze. Say colored.”

* I remember an incident from a dozen years ago when I was a member of Ohr HaTorah, a Reform congregation.

We had a weekly class at YULA given by an Orthodox rabbi. On the first night, he starts talking about the different theories on low black intelligence. Is it genetic or is it the environment?

Many members of the class were offended and the rabbi made an abject apology the next week.

* I’ve noticed that black immigrants to this country from the West Indies or Africa complain — not about whites, but about how American blacks treat them.

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What’s The Difference Between The Jewish Sabbath And The Christian Sabbath?

Seventh-Day Adventists, Seventh-Day Baptists and Jews observe the Sabbath.

What are the differences in how they observe the Sabbath?

As someone who was raised a Seventh-Day Adventist but converted to Judaism in 1993, I have some ideas.

The most obvious difference is that Jews have hundreds of laws about how to observe the Sabbath. Christians rely on a few principles.

Adventism’s founder and prophet, Ellen G. White, laid out that Christians should observe the Sabbath from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday by abstaining from work and from doing their own pleasure. They should instead devote the day to God. She told them how.

Ellen G. White functions as the Talmud of Adventism.

When you say the word “law” to a Christian audience, it is usually understood as a dirty word. Jesus freed them from bondage to the law.

Well, here are some advantages to law that Christians may not have thought of.

* Jewish law helps with moral clarity.

When I was growing up Adventist, the sixth commandment was always translated as “Do not kill.” It actually means “Do not murder.” There’s moral killing and immoral killing. Immoral killing is murder.

Seventh-Day Adventism is pacifistic. Judaism holds pacifism to be immoral. As the Torah says, “You may not stand by while the blood of your neighbor is shed.”

Killing in self-defense and necessary war is permitted to the Jew. Those Jews who refused to defend themselves on the Sabbath (in the Maccabean conflict 2200 years ago) were wiped out.

The Seventh-Day Adventist church in Germany during the 1930s supported the Nazis and Adolf Hitler. Like Hitler, Adventists opposed the use of nicotine, alcohol, and meat and therefore thought Adolf was a good guy. (Seeking A Sanctuary, pg. 193-194)

I remember Adventists in the 1970s discussing whether ethics were situational or absolute. Jewish law makes clear that ethics are both — the situation determines the absolute. Not only is there moral killing and immoral killing, there’s moral sex (monogamous marital sex) and immoral sex (rape, incest, adultery, homosexuality).

All acts break down into the permitted and the forbidden.

* A religion of law sends out a powerful message — you can do it.

Yes, the Torah in the Noah story says that the will of man’s heart is nothing but evil from his youth. The Torah is skeptical about the natural man’s inclination, but it is optimistic with regard to man’s potential.

If people were inherently wonderful, they wouldn’t need hundreds of laws. Judaism does not believe people are naturally good. Therefore, it has a system to morally educate us.

How do you make good people? In the Jewish view, you give them laws and you tell them to study them and to live them. In Christianity, you tell them that God loves them and that they should accept His love and reflect it to others.

Judaism trusts the law. Christianity trusts the heart. (Dennis Prager)

Because you earn your way in Judaism, you are much more likely to be successful in this world. By contrast, converts to Seventh-Day Adventism are more likely to come from society’s lowest stratas rather than its highest. Adventism by definition looks to the soon coming of Jesus. Thus Adventists have little impact on this world while Jews, who focus on this life, have enormous impact.

Seventh-Day Adventism is based on conspiracy theory — that the United States of America in cooperation with the Papacy will pass laws mandating the worship of God on Sunday and that all Sabbath-keeper will have to flee to the hills to escape persecution.

Living in the freest country in the world, the most religiously tolerant, Adventists choose to believe something for which all evidence points in the opposite direction. This is not a recipe for a fulfilling and influential life in this world.

Instead, it is a recipe for converting the disenfranchised by giving them a theology that justifies their lack of worldly success and tells them this world is a wicked place incapable of human redemption.

When I was growing up Adventist, I was surrounded by nutters who were absorbed in various conspiracy theories about how the world would end.

Conspiracy theories are for losers. Earning your own way is a recipe for winning.

Losers depend on hand-outs. Christian salvation is a hand-out, it is given freely to anyone who accepts the gift. In other words, Christianity is theological welfare.

* All groups need regulation. A religion of law such as Judaism accords those who know the law the most influence. Judaism is not hierarchical. It is a meritocracy. Every synagogue is independently operated. Rabbis gain influence according to their knowledge of the law and the wisdom of how they apply the law to changing circumstances.

Seventh-Day Adventism is a hierarchy presided over by bureaucrats. It is run by non-intellectual colorless types, similar to those who run the DMV and the Post Office. These bureaucrats create and enforce the rules for Adventists.

Orthodox Jewish kids often collect rabbi cards. No Adventist kid will ever collect General Conference president cards.

* Judaism induces guilt over deeds, not thoughts. Christianity induces guilt over thoughts and deeds. In my experience, guilt is much more of a problem for Christians than for Jews. I’ve never known a Jew who was troubled by guilt over his thoughts and desires.

Jesus says that when you look at another woman with lust, you are committing adultery with your heart. According to Judaism, you can commit adultery with only one organ of your body and it is not your heart (Dennis Prager).

* A religion of laws allows people to be more real. A religion of the heart constrains people to act like they’re born again. Thus, Jews are much more verbal and more emotional than Protestants, who are deeply controlled, even stiff by comparison. Jews are much more free to admit that they have bad thoughts. Thus Jews pioneered psychology and therapy (“Tell me all your nasty thoughts”).

* Jewish law keeps you busy. One does not depend on making converts to feel fulfilled as a Jew. I suspect that one key reason that evangelical Christians spend so much time seeking converts is that their religion lacks enough rituals to keep them busy.

The Jewish Sabbath is like the TV show “24” — you are at the center of the world even while you take time off from the world — while the Seventh-Day Adventist Sabbath is like the TV show “It Is Written” — an escape from this world with a focus on individual salvation to the next world.

* Jewish law gives you more sex. While historical Adventism regarded sex on the Sabbath as a sin, Judaism enjoins marital sex on the Sabbath (providing the wife is not unclean (a niddah) at the time).

* Jewish law gives you profound guidance on how to lead your life. As one Protestant minister put it, God is interested in more than just religion. Jewish law guides you as to when to work and when to rest, when to socialize and when to be alone, when to study and when to play. Jewish law gives every day, every week, every month and every year a distinct and dramatic rhythm.

Christians have two major holidays (Christmas and Easter) while Jews have many (the festivals of Passover, Shuvuot, and Succot as well as the minor holidays of Purim and Hanukkah as well as Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, etc).

Jewish law makes everything good in life more important. When you make out with a Jewish girl, you’re not just locking lips, you’re bringing redemption. You’re not just observing the Sabbath, you’re healing the world.

If you’ve ever spent time in Jerusalem, then you have a taste of the meaning of Jewish life anywhere in the world. You have an inkling of what it is like to walk in the steps of the Bible and of God.

The higher quality of Jewish life corresponds with observance of Jewish law. As Jews abandon Jewish law, they start acting like goyim. (Why The Jews? The Reason For Antisemitism, chapter four)

Jewish life is competitive while Adventist life frowns on competition. One of these modes produces excellence and another mode produces mediocrity.

* Jewish law commands you to do cool things with your body. Dancing is a big deal in Judaism, it is forbidden in Adventism. As a Jew, you have lots of things you can wear (tzitzit, tallit, yarmulke) and tie on (tefillin) and smell (havdalah) and eat (alcohol, nicotine, caffeine are permitted in Judaism but not Adventism).

The foundation to the Adventist health message is that it reduces sexual desire. Ellen G. White (along with the previous pope) was a big proponent of wives doing nothing in word or deed to arouse their husband’s lust (Seeking A Sanctuary, pg. 167-171). This type of teaching is absent from every rabbinical sex talk I’ve heard.

While masturbation is equally forbidden in Judaism and in historic Adventism, this commandment receives about 1% of the attention in Jewish life that it received in my Adventist upbringing.

For conservative Christians, sexual sins are the biggest sins. For observant Jews, sexual sins are not necessarily any more serious than other sins. I’ve never encountered a rabbi who was fixated on sexual sin and devoted countless sermons to the topic.

* The abundance of Jewish law provides an abundance of opportunities for sin and excitement. A world without prohibitions is a dull place.

The desire to sin and to be dirty is an essential part of sexual excitement (see the work of psychiatrist Robert J. Stoller).

By separating the sexes at prayer and mandating modest clothing, Orthodox Judaism makes homely women seem alluring when you’re glancing at them from across the mechitza (partition).

* Jewish law develops concern for your own people. Christians were persecuted more harshly in the former Soviet Union than Jews were, but Christians in the free world did almost nothing to help their co-religionists behind the Iron Curtain. By contrast, synagogues around America had up signs reading “Free Soviet Jews”. Jews marched and wrote letters for the freedom of Soviet Jews.

* Jewish law encourages study of Jewish law. By contrast, Christianity enjoins that one comes to God as a little child. There’s nothing in 4,000 years of Judaism that encourages one to come to God as a little child (Dennis Prager). Judaism asks that you come to God with your adult mind. An ignorant Jew can not be a good Jew.

This is why Jews are intellectually dominant and Adventists are a footnote to intellectual history. This is why prestigious addresses such as Beverly Hills and Manhattan are dominated by Jews and Adventists are virtually unknown in the corridors of power.

* Though observing the Sabbath according to Jewish law is more difficult than observing the Sabbath according to Seventh-Day Adventist mores, there are some small solaces as we slave away under the lash of the law, climbing the shaking sides of Mount Sinai towards Heaven wondering when the Messiah will come.

– Jews don’t argue the finer points of theology. For instance, they never argue about the movements of Christ in the Heavenly Sanctuary in 1844. They never argue about whether Christ’s righteousness is imputed or imparted. They don’t tell the adherents of other religions what their religious texts really mean. For instance, Jews don’t berate Christians about the true meaning of the New Testament nor do they instruct Muslims that “jihad” really means inner spiritual struggle.

– Jews never excuse boneheaded behavior by saying, “You did what was in your heart.”

– Jews never tell each other, “You need closer walk with the Lord, my friend.”

– Jews never talk about God’s unconditional love and about how He wants you to be in Heaven with Him.

– Jews aren’t concerned about whether or not they’ll be in Heaven and whether or not you’ll be there with them.

– Jews aren’t prone to conspiracy theories.

– Jews don’t argue about the Time of the End.

– Jews don’t wear polyester.

– Jews don’t tell you to have a nice day.

– Jews don’t ask you if you are saved.

– Jews don’t try to convert non-Jews to Judaism.

– Jewish self-worth is independent of what non-Jews think of their religion.

– Jews don’t forgive murderers on behalf of their victims.

– Jews don’t ask Jews if they’re ready to forgive the Germans for the Holocaust.

– Jews don’t hand out tracts.

– Jews don’t collect offerings on the Sabbath.

– Jews don’t repeat the same spontaneous prayer before eating. Jews don’t say, “Thank you for this food and may it nourish us to do Your will.”

– Jews don’t waste time before leveling stinging criticisms by the use of such incantations as, “He’s a fine Jewish gentleman, but…”

– Jews don’t say, “If I weren’t a Jew, I’d say XYZ about so-and-so…”

– Jews don’t fundraise so the world can know who Moses really is.

– Jews don’t tell you, “God has a plan for your life.”

– Jews don’t blame things on the devil.

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Rabbi Elchanan Weinbach Leaves Shalhevet

Why? No clue. Lots of rumors, and the spin from the board (that he resigned for family reasons) seems to contradict what we know, like, for example, he is not allowed to return to the campus. There’s 24 hour security to ensure he keeps away. That’s pretty severe, don’t you think? I have seen many upper level admins leave (be terminated) Shalhevet, but I have never seen 24 hour security to make sure they don’t return to even enter their office and empty it out. In fact, all the others did return to complete their year, and some even kept their kids in the school another year or two… so, it’s definitely something serious.

Was Rabbi Weinbach detected interviewing for another job on the East Coast, and since he was already collecting a hefty salary, the board saw it as a pretext to streamline costs?

Rabbi Weinbach resigned on Thursday night effective immediately. He has said publicly in Philadelphia that he is a candidate for the head of school there.

A source says: “You have the whole story. They were very unhappy with him and he was terminated. Nobody knows about security guards – apparently security is as it usually is.”

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