The Bad Jew: Port Of Call – Dockweiler Beach

Sunday afternoon. I can’t believe I can’t pull off a car pool from Pico-Robertson. I am a 43-year old loser who’s about to crash another JConnectLA event expressly designed for people under 40.

I am a pariah. I have no friends. Why do I even bother trying?

She emails back: “Lol,Luke this is funny…I feel like in a time machine! I think you asked me for a ride there in 08 and 09! I know,we’ve known eachother THAT LONG?!”

Sheesh, parking is going to cost $5. I’ll spend about $8 on gas. The wear and tear on my vehicle, probably another $10. Why go? I don’t eat meat. I can’t sing. I don’t play an instrument. It’s going to be a dark and lonely night. I’ll probably have an accident and kill a bunch of retarded people in wheelchairs.

So I go and I find free parking on Vista Del Mar and I talk to blokes and I lie on some sheila’s blanket and I look up at the sky and feel a cold wind against my cheek and people walk by and say, “That guy’s going to get stepped on.”

And so I walk off and I stand by the fire and I look at the party all around me and here I am, Mr. Verbal, and I’ve got nothing to say. Might as well go home, do a U-turn over the solid yellow lines and resolve to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

A girl says to me, “You can tell someone’s health by their skin. Your skin is glowing.”

“Your heart is very open right now,” says another girl.

Damn, why did I have to eat three straight meals of four hardboiled egg whites, oatmeal with frozen blueberries and walnuts smothered in chocolate soy milk, and a mouthful of parsley?

I sense a great controversy in my intestinal tract and I fear the good guys are losing.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
This entry was posted in Personal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.