I am much more comfortable if you simply hate me. Then I can hate you. And I don’t have to deal with any awkward feelings.
Dr. Spielvogel, the lay-out of this room has changed. Our chairs are too close together. Here, let me pull mine back. That’s better.
“What would happen if we stayed close?”
It would make me feel awkward. It would be too intimate. Yuck, I’d rather talk about ****ing bitches.
If we stayed close, I’d have to start banging my head against the wall. Then the men in white coats might come in and take me away. They’d put me in the home and shoot me full of thorazine. I’m supposed to see a girl this afternoon. I don’t want to be stuck in a home. So, no thank you, I’ll stay here.
Can we talk about sex now? I’ve endured two minutes of intimacy. Now I want a release.
“You were five minutes late today. That’s not like you. I was concerned. How does that feel for you that I was concerned?”
It feels really awkward. I’m not comfortable with people caring for me. I’d rather you just looked at me as community service hours that you have to fulfill for that bit of bother with the 14-year old girl.
“Why does it feel awkward for you when people care for you?”
Because it might expose who I really am. Because it opens up feelings I’d rather keep hidden. If you care for me, then I might care for you. That might expose stuff that I’ve squashed down, pushed down, stuffed in a box, locked up, buried in a basement, and I’ve covered that basement with 10-feet of concrete.
The stuff in that box scares me. If you opened it up, well, I don’t think that I would be cool, calm, and collected. I’d be volatile. I’d be a needy little boy. I don’t want to open that box. I don’t want to be a needy little boy. I might lie on the couch and start crying. I’d start seeking reassurance. I’d be really vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable. I’d rather be the cock of the walk.
The stuff in that box I’ve hidden away, I fear it might be radioactive. It might explode if exposed to the open air.
I feel a lot of shame. My…wasn’t cool. I was never one of the cool kids in school. My mom died. So that mommy protection most kids take for granted, I didn’t get. Instead, I got exposed as needy and insecure and attention-seeking. Not good for nailing the bitches.
Oh, it’s fine for me to write out vulnerable stuff, but I don’t want to talk it out face to face. That’s scary. What if you get to know who I really am, and then you reject me? I don’t want to experience that. I want to be cool and calm and in control and ****ing bitches.
No, I don’t want to talk to him. That would be an awkward conversation. I don’t like those type of conversations. I just want to fly under the radar. If I talk to him, it might be painful. I’d feel like a dick. I’m just going to keep things on the down low.
Anyway, I’ve changed. I don’t want to have conversations about this. What if I started experiencing powerful emotions and my lip started quivering and my eye began blinking and my heart pounded and I saw that what I wanted most might disappear from my grasp? I don’t like that. Let’s talk about ****ing bitches.
That would be really therapeutic for me. I want to **** a ….woman. It’d be very healing. I’d re-experience the trauma of my childhood but heal it through a vigorous session of ****ing. The… ****ed my… and so I want to **** some….bitch in retaliation.
I’m much more comfortable with this type of conversation. Gonna **** me some bitches. Then I can open up emotionally. We can lie there all spent and panting for breath and there are no longer pretenses between us and now it’s not so scary to share emotions. But to share that with someone I’m not ****ing, that’s scary. I keep that stuff locked up and buried in a basement.
“What do you want him to know about you?”
The less the better. Umm, how about I have borrowed functioning when I’ve got a sheila in my life. She props me up. And that I need to work on my differentiation.
I wish I had a guitar right now so that I could sing a funny song and we could get away from all this icky intimacy.
When I’m ****ing bitches I feel powerful. When I have this type of awkward intimate conversation, I feel vulnerable.
Our intimacy, sometimes it is awkward and sometimes it is hard. Right now I’m seeing how far I have to go. I see these big mountains right in front of me and I don’t feel strong enough to climb them right now.
You often ask me, “Why don’t you tell her how you feel?”
That makes me feel very awkward and vulnerable. No chick that I dig is going to respond positively if I tell her out of the blue, “I really care for you and I want to know you better.”
So when you have me imagine being in such scenarios, I feel awkward.
There are some sessions where I just skip through. I just glide by. Then there are sessions like today where I run into big issues. This was much more uncomfortable, much more intimate, than normal. I’ve run into some brick walls here. I want to be close to people yet intimacy scares me.