Are Jews Like The Amish?

I was explaining to a non-Jewish Seventh-Day Adventist friend today about some of the Jewish laws of the Sabbath. You can’t drive. You can’t talk on the phone. You can’t start or stop an electrical current.

“Are Jews like the Amish?” she asked.

I laughed because I had been thinking about Adventists over the past couple of weeks and I kept comparing them in my mind to the Amish.

Why? Because they have unique laws and customs and almost no impact on the world.

There are about 15 million Adventists in the world and about the only field of endeavor where they regularly make a contribution is health.

I bet that in the United States, Jews have three times the median income of Adventists.

Jews have unique laws and customs and a gigantic impact on the world. Jews are like Amish except that they dominate stand-up comedy, Wall Street, banking, Hollywood, the media, publishing, political and intellectual life and have their own aisle at the supermarket.

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Dancing Leads To Kissing

Jewish life has many ecstatic moments and this ecstasy often leads to inappropriate kissing.

I remember there was this girl I liked. I dug her so much that I read a couple of books by her mom.

I was really pleased when I saw her at a non-Orthodox Simchat Torah celebration. I didn’t get any IOIs (Indicators of Interest) from her so I didn’t hit on her. I just reveled in the holiness of the occasion and watched her dance around the room.

And then this kid I know, he was about 22, was dancing in a line with her and he got all ecstatic and he just kissed her.

She was appalled. I could see it immediately on her face. And people were looking at her and at him and wondering what happened.

Well, what happened was he got swept away.

This kid’s not a loser. He normally has the appropriate social graces. But he just got carried away.

This has happened to me. I was really pleased at seeing David Suissa at the Happy Minyan one Shabbat and not only did I hug him — and I rarely hug guys — I found myself to my horror, bending over and kissing his cheek.

I really don’t know why I did that. I don’t normally kiss guys on a Saturday. Certainly not in an Orthodox shul. But the Happy Minyan is a very happy place and I lost touch with what I was doing and suddenly I found myself kissing a bloke.

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What Does Kosher Mean?

I’m staying with some non-Jewish friends at Loma Linda University this weekend. I’m going to be on a panel Sabbath afternoon talking with three Christians and a Jew about a new book.

My friends have never hosted an Orthodox Jew for the Sabbath before.

I found myself asked, “What does kosher mean?” And I stumbled. “I think it means ‘fit’ or ‘appropriate’,” I said. “Food fit for a Jew. I’m a vegetarian and that makes keeping kosher much easier.”

And then I found myself explaining “kosher grape juice.” I said that about 2,000 years ago, the rabbis decided that Jews should only drink grape juice and wine grown by Jews. I didn’t explain but I think this is obvious, that it was part of the rabbinic fence to minimize socializing with non-Jews.

If you can’t drink with them, you are less likely to sleep with them.

I am a man of exquisite sensibilities, the most delicate of temperaments, so I did not spell this out.

Last time I was at Loma Linda, I got the most severe case of yellow fever. It took me many months to burn it out of my system. Damn Seventh-Day Adventist girls, they are so fine. If only I could’ve believed that stuff about Jesus coming soon, I’d be married now.

Many times married.

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Working In Private Industry Develops Character

Dennis Prager had a great point on the first hour of his radio show today: “My wife and I were at a mall in Houston. I made the observation when I saw kids from all backgrounds and how courteous they were. “Thank you.” “Have a wonderful day. “Thank you. What can I do for you?” Always with a big smile. And you realize how working for private industry as opposed to working for the government so often makes you a better person because you are forced to be polite and decent and inquire about people’s lives. I am a big behaviorist. Wish enough people a nice day and you might become a nicer person.

“You don’t become a nicer person at college. You become a more selfish person. Work or travel.”

“There isn’t a single good argument for going from kindergarten to college without smelling the flowers.”

A caller named Mike made an excellent point. He worked in a mine after high school. Many guys did to earn money for college. Many of them never went to college. They got comfortable working at the mine. They started families.

Dennis did not buy this. If they wanted to go to college and be professionals, they would’ve. There’s nothing wrong with starting a family and making a good living without going to college.

But what about those who get stuck in jobs or lose their jobs? They’ll have fewer options without a college degree.

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I’m Lost In Pragertopia

Pragertopia is a happy land where you can download the past three weeks of Dennis Prager’s radio show. And all for just $6 a month when you buy it in one-year bits.

I wish Dennis had some unmarried daughters. Can you imagine those Shabbos conversations around the Prager table? “Well, Dennis, I was listening to your male-female hour about sexual insatiability, and I had a thought I wanted to share before the Mrs. brought out the kugel.”

From today’s program: “Prager H1: Dennis suggests that one of the ways to undo the coming college brainwash is to have your child take a year off before starting college. Travel or work is a real education

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We Need To Talk

More

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It Sucks To Be Me

All these great rabbis are marrying off their daughters.

And here I am, 43 years old, almost 44, and I am still unmarried.

Is it not a tradition in Jewish life to marry off the most worthy daughters to the greatest Torah scholars? Yet because my scholarship is revealed on a blog, I’m not good enough.

That’s the message I am getting.

Sheesh, I didn’t even get an invite to the wedding. And I hear the rabbi is giving out tefillin as gifts to all male guests.

What a union I’d make for some rabbi’s daughter. What interesting conversations we’d have around the Shabbos table. What a meeting of the minds.

I thought I knew what love was. What did I know. Those days are gone forever. I should just let them go and…

PS. I’ve concluded that blogging is a mental illness, when people get well, they don’t blog so much. I’ve been getting well of late, hence not so much blogging and personal destruction.

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Transgender Rabbinical Students Finding Equality in the Jewish World

This comes as a profound relief to me.

For years I’ve worried about the lack of respect Jews show to their transgendered rabbis.

You’d think the Holocaust would’ve educated us to be more sensitive.

Does not our Holy Torah command us not to judge men who dress as women?

I don’t see why a person’s unconventional gender choice should be a disqualification from the rabbinate.

Is a man wearing a woman’s clothing any less likely to work in Torah? Is a woman who chooses to live life as a man any less qualified to lead the davening?

What about a Yisrael who chooses to identify as a Cohen and tries to deliver the priestly benediction in an Orthodox shul?

Why not?

I’m not a cross-dresser myself, at least not on Tuesdays, but I can totally understand how wearing silky girly lingerie helps a man with a penis who has a yen to be a woman to delve more deeply in Talmud.

Only now can the truth be told. I wasn’t raised with the name Luke Ford. I was raised as “Lucy Ford.”

Normally, I won’t elaborate on this. It’s too painful. But I’ve decided that today I will tell my story so that more Jews will act more kindly towards their transgendered rabbis.

On Tuesdays, my parents made me put on women’s clothing and hang around in juice bars.

This was an unconventional choice for the Avondale College Seventh-Day Adventist community of Cooranbong, Australia and I suffered keenly.

I may have been a little ponce, but if you pricked me, did I not bleed?

One day a group of my classmates tied me to a gum tree with my lacy lingerie and had this big mean wallaby with a really thick thingamajig repeatedly sodomize me while these abos danced around in war paint pointing their bones at me.

In the distance, this group of retarded kids who were visiting the school rocked jerkily in their wheelchairs, their heads bobbing like dodo birds.

The rest of the school was at assembly where the pastor spoke about righteousness by faith.

My screams could be heard across the college and yet nobody came to my rescue.

That’s why I left Adventism and converted to Judaism.

The Jewish Journal reports:

As a child, Reuben Zellman found life anything but cut-and-dry.

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Fired Mashgiach Robert Frank Says He Was Told To Declare Himself Nuts

Over the past nine months, I’ve told the story of mashgiach Robert Frank who lost his job in a conflict with the Orthodox Union.

After his firing, Frank and his wife found it difficult to get work as mashgiachim.

After five months without work, their unemployment benefits are running out.

So what to do? What could be their new career path?

They are in their fifties.

Luckily, there is a Jewish social welfare agency in New York to help them get back on their feet.

Robert calls me Tuesday morning. “Two weeks ago, my wife and I went to the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty. We were supposed to see a career counselor, Sandy Horowitz. We had an appointment to see him. We introduced ourselves. They told us to wait. Then they wanted us to fill out some paperwork. We told them that we had already filled out the paperwork.

“They then ushered us into his supervisor’s office and told us that they did not want to service us. They sent us home.

“My lawyer sent Sandy Horowitz an email. He never responded to my lawyers emails for two weeks already.”

Luke: “Do you think this was related to your controversy?”

Robert: “Absolutely. I told Sandy Horowitz about the lawsuits when he career counseled us. We tried to get jobs that weren’t related to being mashgiachs. You have to tell a career counselor that you can’t be a mashgiach anymore so that you can try to find a job in another location. You’ve got to be straight with them, am I right?”

Luke: “Yeah.”

Robert: “I had told him that we had an issue with the OU but the lawsuit hadn’t been filed yet. When we went to see him two weeks, the lawsuit had just been filed. As soon as he heard this, he didn’t want to deal with us. They just told us to go somewhere else for help. They didn’t tell us where to go.”

“I called our social worker (Daphne Griffel) there, my lawyer sent her a letter, and we still haven’t gotten a response. They can’t explain why they can’t help us.

“According to their web address, they are supposed to do career counseling to help people get jobs.

“The only thing the Met Council ever did for us was that they gave us somebody to help us fix our resume up. We’ve got nice resumes now. But they don’t want to help us find jobs. They don’t want to look. They don’t want to help us do nothing. They tell us to go to the state for help.

“This is a Jewish agency that is supposed to help indigent Jewish people.”

Luke: “And the Orthodox Union isn’t trying to settle?”

Robert: “The Orthodox Union isn’t trying to settle. The rabbis in our community are trying to talk us out of our lawsuit. Both rabbis in our synagogue are trying to talk us out of our lawsuit.

“People have told me that I should fire my attorney. I should go away quietly and then they might help me.”

“These people [at Met Council] are trying to force us into getting Social Security disability. I was already turned down by Social Security. It says that I should work. That I should work a different job.

“They tried to force us into forging documents to declare ourselves crazy to get Social Security disability.

“They feel that cheating the government is good.

“It was suggested to us that we can go to doctors, to psychiatrists, and tell them that we are depressed and want to do all sorts of crazy stuff, and they’ll give us meds and we’ll be eligible for Social Security. For us to apply for this would be an absolute fraud, which is what these people are trying to perpetrate.

“These people like to get people on government programs. That’s their thing. Perpetrating a fraud seems to them perfectly OK. I don’t want to get involved in that.

“My wife and I can work. We just need a different type of job. My wife has carpal tunnel syndrome so she can’t type. There’s no reason that she can’t do something else.”

On March 2, Robert sent the following note to Rebbitzen Jungreis. He did not get a response.

Dear,
Rebbetzen Jungreis, I would like to ask for your assistance ,
to make an appeal for help. My brother Howard Frank, whom due to
no fault of his own, became homeless 4 years ago.He has taken
his homeless plight to several prominent Rabbi ‘s and Jewish
community leaders as well as Jewish social service
organizations, who have been unable to solve his homeless
situation and find him a observant Jewish family to take him in.
A kind hearted Christian man of faith Mr Frank Pohole took pity
on him and brought him into his home, so my brother would not be
forced to live on the streets, when all doors in the Jewish
world were closed to him. I know from reading your column in the
Jewish press that you are a true and caring Jewish soul who

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‘Constructive Awareness: Alexander Technique and the Spiritual Quest’

I picked up this book and I did not expect much. On the back cover, it reads: “Daniel McGowan has personally introduced more than 7,000 people in the U.S. and Europe to Alexander Technique since 1983.”

That kind of talk reminded me of my Christian upbringing when evangelists would boast about how many people they’d baptized.

Alexander Technique is extraordinarily difficult to capture in words. It usually has to be experienced in person from the hands of a qualified teacher.

I’m now halfway through the book and I am pleasantly surprised. It may be the best book on the Alexander Technique.

I love McGowan’s description of what happens when most people go to sit down:

As the person approaches the chair, the body shortens in stature as a muscular set is adopted in anticipation of sitting down. The back is then bent further, followed reluctantly by the knees until the bum makes heavy contact with the seat of the chair.

…One does not generally have a choice of how to sit down. This is because, after receiving the stimulus of deciding to do so, each attitude of the body which is adopted, step by step, during each millimeter of the journey, is determined by the step before. In other words, each minute step is the habitual straitjacket for the next one. This means that a person is a slave to habits which are very powerful because they have been repeated thousands of times during a lifetime. (Pg. 25,26)

McGowan writes that body tension reveals our mental and emotion state. “There is no negative thought-emotion which does not show up somewhere in the body as too much muscle tension. Equally, there is no positive thought-emotion which does not show up as a release of muscle tension.” (Pg. 71)

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