No, I don’t want to talk about it.
I don’t mind blogging about it, but no, I definitely do not want to talk about it.
I hate that question, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Do you know what type of people ask me that question? Hot chicks who realize I’m into them but they’ll never want to sleep with me, not if I’m the last man on earth, but they know they’ll still have to run into me, so they turn away my advances and then say, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Why would I want to talk about it? To talk about it would be to discuss why I feel like a loser. Less than. A zero. A wanker. Defeated. Ashamed. Humiliated. I desire you but you don’t like me in that way. I can’t bear to sit in this shame and to talk about it. I hate this place of infamy. It’s just so low and humiliating. I know you’re going to tell all your friends that I hit on you and how you refused me and then none of them will want to sleep with me.
I measure my self-worth by the hotness of the women who sleep with me (or at least I did until I came to understand the profundity of the Torah and the need for adherence to God’s immutable — God I love that word — moral law).
There’s a sentence that I hate ten times more than “Do you want to talk about it?” That sentence is — “We need to talk.”
I can’t run away when someone important to me says, “We need to talk.”
The scary thing is that I will live in fear until we have that conversation. So if you really want to mess with me say, “Luke, we need to talk. Let’s get together in a year.”
That way I will live in fear for a year.
I guess I’m afraid of having to have an intimate conversation. I guess I’m afraid of intimacy.
When I hear, “We need to talk,” I get chills up and down my spine. I start pumping with adrenalin. I immediately try to guess what the conversation will be about and how I can answer the person’s concerns. If I see that I have done something wrong, I start thinking about how effectively I could lie my way out of this problem and what would be the best way of shading the lies so that I can later defend them as truths.
I don’t think normally healthy people experience such fright when they hear, “We need to talk.”
I think there’s something wrong with me. It’s not my degree of fright when I hear these words, it’s my realization that I’m walking around with this fear all the time, but only in moments of crisis am I conscious of it.
You can’t experience fear or any negative emotion or thought without needlessly tightening your body. Similarly, you can’t experience a positive feeling or thought without experiencing a release of tension.
That’s why getting an Alexander Technique lesson makes me smile. I feel myself letting go of needless tensions and fears and I become happy. It’s great when you can let go of emotional baggage with the needless physical tension.
