Rabbis Kids Rock

From the New Jersey Jewish News:

The sound has the screaming urgency of punk rock. The lyrics question everything. A snippet of their first recording, heard on the blog of the hip Jewish music site JDub Records, is appropriately titled “Why Why Why.”

But the Brenner boys are not exactly alienated punk rockers. Rather, Noam and Jonah Brenner are 10-year-old identical twins in the fifth grade at Solomon Schechter Day School of Essex and Union.

…Their father, Rabbi Daniel Brenner, was only slightly less casual in his baseball cap, button-down shirt, jeans, and Teva sandals. Their mom, Lisa Silberman Brenner, is a playwright and assistant professor of theater at Drew University. But only dad was around on this particular day, and he offered instruction to the boys on how to do an interview. He obviously has had some practice: Brenner, the executive director of Birthright Israel NEXT, was just that week named to Newsweek magazine’s 2009 list of the country’s top 50 most influential rabbis.

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When Did Date Rape Become A Crime?

Everything that my friends enjoyed doing at university is now a felony (I had CFS my whole time at UCLA and wasn’t up to any wickedness). How did this happen? When did manly hijinks with willing and not so willing females become a federal crime? I thought the whole point of a tertiary education was to get smashed and rid yourself of petty bourgeois restraints in the name of liberty, equality and fraternity?

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Dennis Prager Vs Perez Hilton On Gay Marriage

For a guy who despises TV, Dennis Prager seems to do every bit he can on it. Why not spend that time instead developing lofty ideas for such lofty platforms as books rather than sinking to the lowest common denominator medium? Does not our holy Torah teach us to not follow our eyes after which we prostitute ourselves? I wish Marilyn Chambers were still alive so I could discuss these serious issues in greater depth, a kind of depth not allowed on TV.

Dennis had a snoozefest last night on Larry King when he debated gossip blogger Perez Hilton:

Prager must have experienced this as a big comedown from the lofty character of most people he debates.

I think Prager and Perez were supposed to debate Miss California’s comments on the Miss USA pageant and how afterwards Perez called her a bitch and said she had half-a-brain.

This time around Perez was meek and mild, but in that flaming gay Andrew-Sullivan-style way of his, not that there is anything wrong with that, or anything less manly about it, throwing hissy fits is just as valid a form of expression as waving a lulav in a succah, who am I to judge?

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Eliot Spitzer Was Not A Nice Jewish Boy

In her new book, The Manhattan Madam: Sex, Drugs, Scandal, and Greed Inside America’s Most Successful Prostitution Ring, Kristin Davis writes about her life as a madam.

Eliot Spitzer was a client from 2004 to 2006. He used the name James. He said he was a lawyer. He called her at least once a week to book a trick.

Spitzer liked slender yet curvy brunettes. Who doesn’t? He preferred the All-American, college-girl type. Most high-end New York clients had these tastes while West Coasters preferred curvier bustier blondes.

Kristin got tons of complaints about "James." He was rough and aggressive. Not in any S-M way, though he did enjoy giving the girls a good spanking, but it was the matter of condoms. James did not like wearing them while all the hos insisted on them.

Spector "would be a real weasel about it. After the begging, pleading, and commanding didn’t work, James would pretend to relent, only to try another approach."

When Kristin brought these complaints up with Eliot Spitzer, he got defensive and angry. "Who? Who said that? I want to know right now, Billie. I’m appalled by that statement. Appalled! And I have no idea what you’re talking about."

Spitzer wouldn’t let the matter go. He got all legal with her. "Define ‘rough and aggressive.’ What exactly is considered rough and aggressive? Explain this."

Eliot was furious about being called on his bad behavior.

He kept insisting he was right. "This is stupid and ridiculous; you’re accsuing me, but not telling me what I have done wrong. I don’t need this. There are plenty of places like yours out there. I only gave you my business because I liked the way you operated and I liked your girls, but I obviously was very wrong about all of you. I have been a good client, but it’s apparent you don’t want my business or you would give me the opportunity to respond to what was said. If you want to keep my business, you’d better tell me what I did that was aggressive."

The madam then fired him as a client.

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Avoiding Danger

Rabbi Gil Student writes:

Because of this responsum’s importance, I would like to summarize its contents:

  1. Every person has an individual, set lifespan (cf. Ex. 23:26; Isa. 38:5; Ps. 39:5).
  2. This lifespan can be lengthened as a reward for doing good and shortened as a punishment for doing bad (cf. Deut. 30:16; Prov. 10:27).
  3. Someone who does not have sins that require shortening his life is not judged on Rosh Hashanah for life or death, but is judged for wealth and other things.
  4. Someone who is not judged for life or death on Rosh Hashanah is subject to premature death (i.e. not at his set time) due to chance, plague, war, etc. during that year (about death through accident or war, Rashbash quotes the Kuzari 5:29; Emunah Ramah p. 97; Magen Avos 5:21; see also Sefer Ha-Ikkarim 4:21).
  5. Since you do not know whether or not you were judged for death/life on Rosh Hashanah, you must avoid dangerous situations and flee from a city in which there is a plague.

Jaded Topaz writes: I dont understand how "halachah" by default could entertain any intersections or subdivisions of "hashkafah" (any which way you define it).

Is "hashkafah" always defined as "theology" or is it sometimes defined as "philosophy".

I’m having a little trouble following the argument.
The "Rema" that you reference is this the same "Ramah" that was not so fond of philosophy and or of the Rambam’s philosophical works ? (I’m not quite sure what the "halacha" is regarding slanderous comments of sages that are no longer with us, and cannot defend themselves, so I’ll try to be somewhat vague I guess delete the commen if parts are slanderous, no ill will and or malicious intent intended).
(Just as an aside has anyone done any analytical research on the Rambam’s response to the French Scholar that attempted to translate his "guide to the perplexed" as accurately as possible, I understood his response to be promoting a "transformative" translation as opposed to a literal translation. I never understood his response notwithstannding how busy his life was. Did he ever respond to any of the criticism or did he just admire the erudition of the scholars that asked the questions, (I asked this with all due respect and then some))

So if I got my facts straight the original scholar quoted the Rema is not a confetti tossing fan of philosophy.

Why would the Pischei Teshuvah (no.8) and Darkhei Teshuvah (no. 95) use 15’th Century Algeria law, and the Rashbash’s theological analysis to comment on halachah constructed or documented by a Scholar who could not have included any philosophical fluctuations and or feelings with his "practical ruling", being that he was quite the "anti-philosophist".

Second, the responsum in and of itself is hard to understand .

1. How are you defining "set lifespan". If something is set, like a stone or pink diamond, it is not fluctuating like the weather, unless ure talking about floating diamonds which I dont think are in style this season.

3.What about those who did extra good for the lifespan lengthening incentive, are they judged for "life or death", they need to be in order to get a longer life. Where does "talmud torah" fall on the life lenghening category. If it lengthens life,and if one is judged for "life and death" if they do good for life lenghthening, then they know what they are being judged for.

And then one would thank the Good Lord upstairs be able to avoid #4 which is a morbid concept in addition to quoting philosopher-poets(Kuzari 5:29) right along side Emunah Ramah p. 97 which is uhmm IIRC not a philosophy friendly read.(If i’m getting my Ramah’s mixed up then disregard my points).

Which brings me to #5, what if I do know which "mitzvos" lengthen my life,and then whether or not I was judged for life and death on Rosh Hashanah, do I still have to flee from a city in which there is a plague.

I’m assuming the answer would be, if its clear that Its quite the catchy plague and for some reason in 2009 the only way to avoid catching it is fleeing the city, it might make sense logically to do so because, one is not supposed to put a stumbling block in front of a blind person (biblical law found in every farfetched halacha brief), one is not supposed to put themselves in harms way and one has to protect themselves from harm but here is where "hashkafah" intersects and if one is on the way to do a mitzvah he will not be harmed !

From here we learn that if one finds themselves walking through a plague if they find a mitzvah to walk towards they migh feel safe.

Or perhaps they can start learning torah on the way to feel even safer.

Cuz as I’m sure everyone knows,halacha is all about the feelings ! Whats not to love.

Extra Credit question, do women get the same credit and brownie points for Talmud Torah ( the talmud torah that is equal to alot of other mitzvos and IIRC the reward is not diminished both here and upstairs.

Another great intersection between halacha and hashkafah is a given individiual’s "mood" "mind" and "brain".

Every person is a born with a predestined set mind, mood and brain. (Ein davar haomeid be-fnei harotzon or in 2009 R Blu’s where there is a rabbinic will there is a rabbinic way).

1)One should stay away from bad moods.

2)A persons mood and brain can be worsened as a reward for doing drugs and can be improved as a reward for doing drugs( Ritalin, Adderall, SSRI’s versus Cocaine Pot Extacee LSD and Benadryl).

3.Someone that is sniffing or snorting too much LSD, Exxstacy or Cocaine will be judged for artificial highs.

4. Someone that is purchasing Adderall or Ritalin from the corner Duane Reade (dont you love their new logo and colors) will be judged favorably for responsible drug purchases, and will get great competitive pricing at their fine trustworthy reliable pharmacy, with a proven track record of previous fine purchases.

5.Since you dont know how generics work and the lineage of each individual tablet, on a general level, its always good to go to a pharmacy you can trust, Duane Reade is that pharmacy. One finds this out as a repeat customer.

From here we can conclude that

"predestined" is a myth.
One can fine tune their moods on a daily basis.
One can fine tune their feelings on a daily basis.

There should always be a reason to trust, have faith, and or rely on.

Track records are always good to analyze.

A sound reasoning system based on logic and no feelings makes more sense.

But it gets a little tricky when you can fine tune and fiddle around with feelings.

I always thought halacha did not operate on a "feels good to me must be right" level.

There is nothing objective about feelings, in fact they can be fabricated, legally and illegally.

After feelings, the next core argument is jurisdiction and where different halachos were constructed.

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Wedding Night Instructions For The Torah Jew

By David Deutsch

If you are reading this, you have, Baruch Hashem, purchased a wife in accordance with our traditions.  Mazl tov!  Also, if, in accordance with our traditions, you have absolutely no idea of how one should perform the mitzvah, these instructions should help you to do so in the proper state of kedusha.

1.  Properly performing the mitzvah is all about piety.  In order to achieve the proper state of piety, it is recommended that you decorate the room where the mitzvah is to be performed with pictures of gedolim,  If that fails to instill a sufficient sense of piety, we recommend seeking inspiration from the examples of other holy Jews.  Remember, your parents also performed this mitzvah.  Imagining your parents performing the mitzvah will surely help you to achieve the proper state of piety to do so as well.

2.  In the past, Jews were holier, and walked around in an almost constant state of piety; consequently, they could perform the mitzvah while remaining almost entirely clothed.  Today, when our own holiness has reached such a low point, we must undress in order to perform the mitzvah (if this is difficult, remember, the Cohen Gadol also had to remove his clothes in order to prepare for the sacrificial service).  Do so rapidly, with the lights off, and immediately join your wife under the covers, which should remain pulled up to the tip of your beard, or where your beard would be if you were old enough to study kabbalah and had never shaved your beard.

3.  It is customary to say something pleasant to you wife before you begin, such as telling her that she should be as fecund as the sheep of Yaakov.

4.  Prior to performing the mitzvah, you may need to seek further inspiration for your piety by touching your wife.  While doing so, you should have the proper dedication in your mind, by imagining that you are touching the breastplate of the Cohen Gadol, the spot on Jacob’s thigh where the malach touched him when they were wrestling, and Balaam’s ass.

5.  When you have reached a sufficient state of piety, you should perform the mitzvah.  Remember that the place of your bris is called a regel for good reason.  You should simply imagine that you are putting your foot in a shoe—not a sneaker, chas v’shalom, but not a really uncomfortable Shabbos shoe either.  Probably a loafer, comfortable, but nu, still  with a little dignity.  If that doesn’t work, imagine that the place of your bris is Eliyahu ha Navi, and he needs to hide in the cave from the wicked Ahab.

6.  Once you have entered your wife, begin to shukl with great intensity.  Imagine that it is the end of Neila, and the gates of Teshuva are about to close.  Start with Shema, and end with repeating “Adoshem, hu ha-Elokim” seven times.  After the shofar blows, stop, and exit the shul.

7.  It is customary to say something kind to your wife, such as telling her that it was a pleasant experience, and, God willing, she should give birth to a healthy son.

8.  Immediately immerse yourself in a mikva.

9.  It is customary to spend the remainder of the night saying penitential prayers, lest, chas v’shalom, some of your seed had been spilled needlessly, but be sure to get home before breakfast gets cold, lest your wife’s feelings be hurt.

10.  If, after nine months, no child appears, repeat from Step 1.

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‘The Gamble’ by Thomas E. Ricks

This is the best book yet on the Surge in Iraq and General David Petreaus.

I’ve read every book that has come out on the subject.

Many of my readers don’t realize that I have a deep reservoir of knowledge about counter-insurgency techniques developed during my days at Aish HaTorah and carried forward to my 12 years in the porn industry where I lived off the land like a Maoist guerilla, winning hearts and minds while protecting the people from the predatory male gaze and institutional attempts to objectify the curvy and beguiling young female form.

Bob Woodward’s book on the surge was a great read while Linda Robinson’s was a difficult slog.

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‘I Need To Go Have Sex!’ She Said

I was quite taken aback, not being used to such blunt sentiments.

"There are ten people I can call right now in this neighborhood," she said.

Ten! Here in Pico-Robertson? Here in the bastion of Modern Orthodoxy. A minyan to meet her voracious needs?

This minyan would only be a minyan if you counted women.

Oy!

Sometimes I feel like I am the only faithful Jew left.

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Can A Goy Become Jewish?

Son Hai Huynh emails: "I thought that one cannot convert to Judaism, one can only be born a Jew. Or am I wrong?"

I responded: "Wrong!"

Son responds: "Ok, you don’t have to be aggressive about it with an exclamation mark. I am only asking."

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She Showed Me The Grand Canyon

"Here," she said, "I want to show you something."

She took my hand and parted the sky and there was the Grand Canyon.

From where I stood, it pulsed pink in the twilight.

I felt shy and shocked. I was looking at what I wanted most and yet I felt like turning away.

Her gaze held me and I dropped to my knees in worship.

A river ran through it.

I traced the flow to its source.

Dropping my head over the ledge, I breathed in deep.

It had no odor.

I extended my tongue and licked the wall.

Then I lowered myself into the canyon and began exploring. I moved gingerly. I was invading a national park, one of the seven wonders of the world.

My senses are dulled, not enhanced, by my awe. I’m in a great land and I don’t want to screw things up. I don’t want to go where I’m not wanted. I want to live here. I want to love here. I want to stake my claim here. I want to own this real estate and build a big tall fence around it to keep out intruders.

After an hour of tentative probing, I open my pill box and bite off half of a brown one. I drink two glasses of water to ward off headaches and wait 30 minutes for the strength to kick in.

Then I become Ranger Rick, leaping over hill and dale. I have no fear. I’m big and tall and strong. I will conquer all before me.

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