If you are reading this, you have, Baruch Hashem, purchased a wife in accordance with our traditions. Mazl tov! Also, if, in accordance with our traditions, you have absolutely no idea of how one should perform the mitzvah, these instructions should help you to do so in the proper state of kedusha.
1. Properly performing the mitzvah is all about piety. In order to achieve the proper state of piety, it is recommended that you decorate the room where the mitzvah is to be performed with pictures of gedolim, If that fails to instill a sufficient sense of piety, we recommend seeking inspiration from the examples of other holy Jews. Remember, your parents also performed this mitzvah. Imagining your parents performing the mitzvah will surely help you to achieve the proper state of piety to do so as well.
2. In the past, Jews were holier, and walked around in an almost constant state of piety; consequently, they could perform the mitzvah while remaining almost entirely clothed. Today, when our own holiness has reached such a low point, we must undress in order to perform the mitzvah (if this is difficult, remember, the Cohen Gadol also had to remove his clothes in order to prepare for the sacrificial service). Do so rapidly, with the lights off, and immediately join your wife under the covers, which should remain pulled up to the tip of your beard, or where your beard would be if you were old enough to study kabbalah and had never shaved your beard.
3. It is customary to say something pleasant to you wife before you begin, such as telling her that she should be as fecund as the sheep of Yaakov.
4. Prior to performing the mitzvah, you may need to seek further inspiration for your piety by touching your wife. While doing so, you should have the proper dedication in your mind, by imagining that you are touching the breastplate of the Cohen Gadol, the spot on Jacob’s thigh where the malach touched him when they were wrestling, and Balaam’s ass.
5. When you have reached a sufficient state of piety, you should perform the mitzvah. Remember that the place of your bris is called a regel for good reason. You should simply imagine that you are putting your foot in a shoe—not a sneaker, chas v’shalom, but not a really uncomfortable Shabbos shoe either. Probably a loafer, comfortable, but nu, still with a little dignity. If that doesn’t work, imagine that the place of your bris is Eliyahu ha Navi, and he needs to hide in the cave from the wicked Ahab.
6. Once you have entered your wife, begin to shukl with great intensity. Imagine that it is the end of Neila, and the gates of Teshuva are about to close. Start with Shema, and end with repeating “Adoshem, hu ha-Elokim” seven times. After the shofar blows, stop, and exit the shul.
7. It is customary to say something kind to your wife, such as telling her that it was a pleasant experience, and, God willing, she should give birth to a healthy son.
8. Immediately immerse yourself in a mikva.
9. It is customary to spend the remainder of the night saying penitential prayers, lest, chas v’shalom, some of your seed had been spilled needlessly, but be sure to get home before breakfast gets cold, lest your wife’s feelings be hurt.
10. If, after nine months, no child appears, repeat from Step 1.
