Luke Ford

I prayed to Jesus Christ for about 20 years and it did jack for me. I was still a virgin. The Dallas Cowboys did not win a superbowl after 1978 until 1992. I was alone. I was deformed morally and psychologically.

So for the last 20 years, I’ve been praying in Hebrew as Judaism instructs.

Frankly, it’s done jack for me. I only ever pray in places where people don’t want me and sooner rather than later, they boot me. I’m not married. I have no kids, no mortgage and no 401K. I’m deformed morally and psychologically.

And the Cowboys have not won a playoff game in 12 years.

My Jewish prayers have been every bit as effective as the prayers of the six million Jews who were sent up chimneys during the Holocaust. God seems to care about me as much as the victims of Auschwitz.

So for the past few weeks, I’ve started praying in Sanskrit. I’ve been trying to give Wahe Guru my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other ailments (ain’t enough pixels in the universe to list them all).

According to Wikipedia: "It is the term most often used in Sikhism to refer to God, the Supreme Being or the creator of all."

So I’m still praying to the same God, whether I use English, Hebrew or Sanskrit.

It just seems to me that one of these languages pierces the divine realms and the others don’t do jack for me.

Look, yoga makes no sense to me. I’m only doing it because what I do normally ain’t working and tens of thousands of hot chix in spandex can’t be wrong.

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to this Guru Singh bloke. I don’t get the hubbub. I bet he’s a closet commie. But I don’t care about the truth of his teachings so long as they fill the room with gorgeous women (who generally prefer clueless Oprah-style spiritual crap rather than the morally demanding God of Mt. Sinai).

And that night, I was lying on my yoga mat next to a beautiful female stranger who could touch her toes and do the splits and other things that I can’t mention on this family-friendly website. And without even talking to her, she quickly got the vibe from me (she said a couple of days later) that I had a strong sexual energy.

I’ve been praying in churches and shuls for 40 years and ain’t no one told me that my prayers exuded a strong sexual energy.

So I’m giving yoga a chance.

So when my yoga teacher tells me to do meditations with my hands and fingers in weird positions chanting Sankskrit, it makes no sense to me. Sorta like chicks who say they have a crush on me and then don’t return my calls.

I think of myself as a pretty rational bloke. I don’t care about the politics of chix I date ‘coz it don’t matter so long as they’re hot, and, frankly, I’ve never dated any woman who’s read one-fifth of the political philosophy I’ve digested, so why should I care about the views of the ignorant as long as they have nice breasts and smooth shaven legs smelling of tropical fruits?

Despite having a mind that summons up such blinding clarity that I singlehandedly serve as a light unto the nations in matters of love and reason, I’m ashamed to admit that I do the following daily — because my hot yoga teacher with the posh British accent tells me to:

Yogi Bhajan has told us that the years between now and 2012, when the Age of Aquarius has set in, will place many people in a state of confusion & emptiness, due to the change of the times. He let us know that many people will hit the stage of “Cold Depression” – becoming frozen and unable to move, do, engage. This ‘epidemic’ will increase as we near the dawning of the Aquarian Age.
This meditation will help you to find the pockets of internal conflict, open them up, and transform this stored energy into ecstasy & intuition.
Position: Sit with a straight spine. Interlace the hands in Venus lock in front of the chest,
with the Jupiter fingers (index) pointed straight up.
Eyes: Closed.
Mantra: Wahe Guru, Wahe Guru, Wahe Guru, Wahe Jeeo. (This mantra is on all
sadhana CD’s and the version by Sangeet Kaur was used during class).
Focus: On “Wah” chant from the navel.
On “Hey” chant from the heart
On “Guru / Jeeo” chant from the lips.
Time: 11 minutes.
End: Inhale deeply, hold, and concentrate on the sound at the navel, heart & lips.
Exhale. Inhale a 2nd time, and hold, giving your cold depression to “Wahe Guru.” On the 3rd inhale, hold and give your life to God, and let it merge with the Universal Force. Comments: Take the curse off and place it around God’s neck. Free yourself. Purify yourself and be free.

PS. I still say my Jewish prayers. I believe the primarily purpose of prayer is to affect us morally, not to get us stuff.