I Met This Homely Woman And She Rubbed My Tummy

This was back in 1994 before I became the Moral Leader I am today.

I met this homely woman. I think it was at a party. I think she had some hot friends.

Later, this homely woman invites me to take a walk with her one evening through the Sherman Oaks Galleria. It was fine.

Then she invited me back to her place. It was fine.

She offered to rub my back. Fine, I said. I took off my shirt and I lay down on her bed and she rubbed my back.

“Would you like me to rub your chest?” she asked.

So I rolled over and she rubbed my chest. Then she went lower.

Her rubbing my tummy led me to do things not in consonance with Torah, neither written nor oral:

She was homely but I like a massage. It may not be logical. It may not be moral. It may not be in accord with Torah, but I like to be stroked.

I don’t know why Rabbs thinks this story is about sex. It is a metaphor for why Dennis Prager attends a Reform temple. It may not be logical, but it feels good. They have groovy tunes at Stephen S. Wise. Great Israeli dancing on a Friday night. People are nice. The rabbis are smart. The musical instruments rock. What’s not to love? It’s like one long tummy rub.

Judaism does not have to be punitive.

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I Love Women!

Dennis Prager posts to his FB: “I thought I’d share with you — especially you of female persuasion — the theme of my Male-Female Hour today: If a single guy says he “loves women,” the odds are that he means one of both of two things. One: He loves women, but finds it very hard to love and commit to one woman. Two: He loves women’s bodies. As a guy I thought I’d share that insight to some men with you.”

From DennisPrager.com:

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 Radio Show
H1: Net What?
Prager H1: The FCC has created new government rules for the Internet. It goes by the nice sounding name of “Net Neutrality.” But it’s not nice. It’s government intrusion into an area that doesn’t need it. But it’s worse than that. Dennis talks to John Fund about how this “crisis” has been created by a cabal of activist groups… The Left needs a crisis even if there isn’t one…

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 Radio Show
H2: Male/Female Hour: Men Liking Women
Prager H2: Mr. Wikileaks, Julian Assange, who is under investigation by Swedish authorities for certain sexual improprieties, says that he’s not promiscuous; he just really likes women. What does he really mean?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 Radio Show
H3: F— You Blowback
Prager H3: The Grammy Record of the Year nominee, F— You, has generated a lot conservative blowback. Dennis has led the way… Kids don’t use email; they text. Is it hurting their ability to think and to write?

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Would You Like Another Glass Of White Wine?

Greg Leake emails: Rabbs, dude! what’s happenin’ ?

I completely agree with your assessment of the length of the show. I guess I did not express this very well. In a way I was underscoring your assertion that Luke pays more attention to the ladies than he does with you. However, as a heterosexual, I find this reassuring.

One wonders how it would go if Luke had a big time TV show…

Male guest: “Luke, I’m feeling a little dry. Do you have any water?”

Luke: “I think there’s a drinking fountain somewhere down the hall.”

Lovely female guest, dressed provocatively with a hint of Chanel No.5:

Luke: “We’re so fortunate to have you here today. Please, may I pour you another glass of white wine? I hope that these aperitifs are to your satisfaction. Do you ever date Jewish men after appearing on their shows?”

OK I’m exaggerating. maybe I’m actually portraying my own propensities if I had a talk show.

I think I was a little bummed out when you said that the woman should pay $30 for the scarf and the rest of the money should go to you. Your appreciation of the goy ethos will allow you to understand how foreign that rings in the Gentile’s ears.

Thank you for explaining tzedakah to me. That really provides a basis of understanding that otherwise would not be apparent. (I always thought tzedakah was Niel Sedaka’s last name.)

I appreciate your neck and back problem. I was walking across the floor one day, my legs went out from under me, and I thought I would never walk again. I went to the Texas Back Institute as 84% of their treatments were through physical therapy.

The doctors passed a prescription to the physical therapists with Masters degrees. The Master’s degrees passed the prescription to these little gals with Bachelor Degrees who led me through the phsycial therapy. I quickly realized that these young gals had issues with their fathers that they were taking out on me. I’m an athletic guy who has exercised all his life. But these little female sadists put me through a Marine Corps regime of exercise that had me whimpering for mercy.

On one occasion, I said, “you know, this is kind of painful.” (I believe I had a particularly plaintive tone in my voice.)

“Of course it’s painful,” she snapped. “You’ve had an injury!” (I began to have flashbacks of my old drill instructor shouting things at me, often punctuated by the word ‘maggot’.)

Rabbs, have you considered knocking out some teacher requirements to go along with your degrees? And then hooking up with the LA school system as a floating substitute teacher? Naturally you couldn’t teach science, but English or social studies might work. It’s just a thought.

RABBI RABBS REPLIES TO GREG: Greg,

Thank you for your prompt response. I think you misunderstood what I said to Levi. I did not pay attention to the length of his interview with that woman vs the length of his one with me. I couldn’t care less. Rather, it was the difference in his demeanor towards us during the interviews.

You’re welcome for the explanation about tzedakah. I am glad what I wrote helps to make more sense.

I’ve been through physical therapy, meds, trigger point injections, chiropractor, Chinese body works, you name it, I’ve tried it. I am now interested in a woman massaging my neck. Not that I like massage, but I’ve heard that if you get them to rub your neck and belly, they let you suck their breast milk, and that’s the closest I’ll ever get to tasting non-kosher food. Just a rumor.

I can’t imagine anything worse than being a substitute teacher. I used to substitute at a yeshivah high school, and I quit, telling the principal that I would not return, not even for $1 milliion. I was lucky to get out of there with those brats allowing me to keep my head on. Oy.

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Do I Feel Bad For People Whose Homes Are Flooded Out?

Not really. If you choose to live by a hillside, I don’t feel bad that when it rains heavily, your home gets filled with mud.

If you choose to live in New Orleans and to not evacuate when there’s a tornado warning, I don’t feel terrible that you got hurt. You should’ve gotten out.

Now you might argue, oh, I couldn’t get out because I was poor.

Well, you should’ve worked harder.

You might argue, I couldn’t get out because I was poor and I had no friends I could stay with.

Well, you should’ve been a better person so that you would have more friends. You shouldn’t have acted the fool and alienated yourself from your family and potential friends. You should’ve studied in school instead of smoking dope.

If you want to live in Malibu, I don’t feel bad that your home gets burned in fires.

If there are expensive medical treatments you, an able-bodied person, can’t afford, I don’t feel for you. You should’ve worked harder and smarter.

If you made smart responsible decisions with your life and then a quirk of fate hurts you, then I feel bad for you. If you get hit by a drunk driver or a non-preventable disease, I feel terrible for you.

Compassion by definition is limited. If you give everyone the same compassion, you give none of them compassion.

I am opposed to all government disaster relief except to save lives. I don’t think the government should pay people to rebuild and to compensate them for their losses in tornadoes and earthquakes and floods.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

Thunderstorms raked Laguna Canyon early Wednesday morning, hurling muddy water and debris down saturated hillsides, damaging dozens of homes and burying cars up to the windows in mud.

At 9:45 a.m., Orange County Fire Authority teams were preparing to cut their way into a shipping container that had become unmoored in floodwaters, floated several hundred yards down a creek and crashed into a bridge.

“There may be someone still in there,” said Capt. Jack Perisho as he considered the logistics of getting teams onto the toppled shipping container and then cutting their way into it with circular saws.

Perisho said the container was pushed downstream at about 3 a.m. Many canyon residents said that was when the brunt of a storm swept through the canyon. Some told of neighbors having to escape the mud flows by climbing out of windows.

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Do People Get More Afraid As They Age?

“Yes,” says Dennis Prager in his 1996 lecture on Exodus 5. “It is not necessarily their fault.

“I’m more afraid now of dying than I was at 20. I have a family now so there is more at stake now with my life. You know how teenagers are cavalier about their mortality. As you age, there is more weight upon you. The weight of responsibility. You have a world that is depending upon you. And you know how precious life is as you get older. Mortality stares you much more in the face.”

Prager’s talking about the Hebrew elders dropping out when Moses and Aaron go to visit Pharoah.

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Women’s College Basketball Is Hard On The Eyes

On ESPN’s First Take today, Skip Bayless said the skill level was so dramatically different between men and women’s basketball that women’s basketball is hard to watch. The game is slow. The women can’t dunk. So many lay-ups are missed.

As a commenter on Family Guy says, “These women can make this game look hard.”

Skip says that women’s tennis and golf and softball appear closer to male skill level.

I can’t believe how much MSM coverage the UConn women’s basketball team has for winning 89 straight games. That does not break the UCLA men’s record because there is no comparison in the level of basketball.

At least a thousand high school boys basketball teams could beat UConn’s women’s team.

Skip Bayless (my favorite sports commentator along with Lowell Cohn) tweets:

I respect any team in any sport that wins 89 straight. But women’s bball just doesn’t have the depth of stars. And UConn didn’t play Tenn.

I love watching women’s softball, tennis, golf b/c skill level in ballpark w/ men’s. But women’s bball hard on my eyes. No dunks. Slow. Ug.

To me, Maya grtest women’s college player ever b/c of all-around game, impact on team, playing biggest in big games. Not most talented, BEST.

Rebecca Lobo says she could beat me 1 on 1 wearing high heels. Ask Nancy Lieberman if that’s true. Used to play Lady Magic a lot 1 on 1.

Played a lot of basketball w/ Spud Webb, Roger Staubach, Jets coach Dennis Thurman, coach Paul Hackett. Ask them how I’d do vs. Lobo. LTS.

Lobo’s biggest problem against me: I’m in better shape now (cardio, strength) than was as starter for highschool team that lost in st final.

Rabbi Rabbs emails: I agree with Skip Bayless. I can’t watch women’s Bball even at the pro level. I have said for decades that I have seen better games played in the YULA parking lot than I have in women’s college basketball games, and you can quote me on that.

However, I am a fan of UCLA women’s softball, and the skill level there is remarkable.

Trying to compare the UConn record to Wooden’s record is apples and oranges, and I say that not just because it is male vs. female, or because I am partial to UCLA. I would say the same thing had it been the UCLA men’s volleyball team or the UConn men’s lacrosse team that had won 89 straight. Who cares? You can’t measure one sport against another, and women’s hoops is a different sport than men’s hoops. Get over it, people.

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Reactions To Torah Talk

Greg Leake emails: Hi Luke,

May I recommend that you check into Tai Chi? You will discover that it accomplishes virtually everything that Hatha yoga does, but with none of the “misuse” that you understand from the Alexander technique. In addition, it is more fun and just as adaptable to a small location. The Chinese direction is always to make things easy. For example, stretching has more to do with the body and gravity naturally elongating muscles rather than an enforced effort. The breathing exercises are also very easy to perform and require none of the athleticism that hatha yoga frequently does. Another good option is Chi Gung, particularly the ‘gentlemen’s 8 pieces of brocade. Anyway, I’m almost certain you would find it preferable to Hatha yoga.

I’m disappointed that the charming Tamara does not date goys. Thank goodness I’m happily married. I think that Tamara would have been completely justified asking you if you fell is love with a Conservative Jew would you start attending a conservative temple in a conservative community. It seems to me that she would be every bit as justified in wishing this from a potential husband as a modern Orthodox husband would wish from her. I did notice that your YouTubes with Rabbs go to [15] segments that your conversation with the charming Tamara went to 16 segments. Rabbs seems to find something amiss with this. I on the other hand would have thought less of you had you let her go more quickly. I’m glad to see that the old Luke is still down there.

Incidentally, I think that were I a Jew i probably would have felt more comfortable as a Conservative since it more closely approximates my view of the Christian Bible. Lots of absolutely ontologically and metaphysical proposition from divinity itself, and yet at the same time some legends and some old saws really more appropriate to biblical times, but not necessarily appropriate to today. Oh yes, I must say i think you have to consider the crucifixion and the resurrection as once piece, since the divinity of Christ requires the resurrection to put a capstone on his status of being the “Son of God.”

Rabbs, the way that it works in a capitalistic society relative to the wigmaker is that a couple pays the wig maker $3000. The wig maker orders all of her supplies, materials, professional wig construction tools, whose manufacturers receive the benefits of her orders. The people who produce the supplies and tools pay the manufacturers and transporters of the materials to the wig maker also receive money. This all goes back through the structure of production with money changing hands to the companies that galvanize all the raw materials and commodities required to create these tools. Adam Smith referred to this as the “unseen hand”. He showed us that there was a social benefit to enlightened self-interest and the way our profits then become distributed throughout the community. The profits that go into bank accounts enrich the banking system and the banks have more money to lend. The profits that go into purchases go into the coffers of restaurants, tailors, car dealerships, computer manufacturers, and all the employees of those places. The profits that go into investments increase the companies’ ability to pour money into R&D, better ad campaigns, more upward mobility, and more job opportunities at the bottom.

If you wish to broaden your appeal for financial assistance to goys, you have to stop using the language that insists that you have some kind of right to the money that the producers have accumulated for themselves and their families. From the goy perspective, charity is a virtue, but that my no means suggests that any extra is “my money!” as I believe you have stated rather forcefully. The quickest way to lose a prospective goy donor is to insist that you have a right to his money simply because you say so. I know that in the Jewish tradition there is a role of the “holy beggar”, and I do gather that it is congruent with your religion to be able to see your status as something that needs to be legitimately addressed by the Jewish way of looking at these things.

In my neighborhood, sometimes frummie Jews have to work on Saturday. They don’t want to, they avoid it when possible, but sometimes it is necessary. They simply suck it up and do what they have to do and try to do everything in their power to stay true to the Torah. My observation is that this is pretty much standard operating procedure in the Jewish community. Of course this is Texas.

You guys are constantly speaking of fundamentalism, and almost every reference to Christianity that you make is to Christian fundamentalism. Believe it or not, growing up in Texas one constantly encountered Christian fundamentalists, and they would largely have been in agreement with Rabbs: The earth was created in 6 days. The sun goes around the earth. There weren’t any dinosaurs. However, this has almost ubiquitously evolved into a Christianity that accepts modern science and tries to interpret Christianity in light of discoveries we know to exist.

That is not really what makes up fundamentalism though. Let me quote from the first Christian theologian to be kicked out of Nazi Germany. (partly on the basis that he asked them if they were going to continue to persecute the Jews)

Paul Tillich: A theological system is supposed to satisfy 2 basic needs: the statement of the truth of the Christian message and the interpretation of this truth for every new generation. Theology moves back and forth between these 2 poles, the eternal truth of its foundation and the temporal situation in which the eternal truth must be received. Not many theological systems have been able to balance these two demands perfectly. Most of them either sacrifice elements of the truth or are not able to speak to the situations. Some of them combine both shortcomings. ..

Fundamentalism fails to make contact with the present situation, not because it speaks from beyond every situation, but because it speaks from a situation of the past. It elevates something finite and transitory to infinite and eternal validity.

They confuse eternal truth with a temporal expression of this truth.
*** end of Tillich quote ***

Of course this is a Christian idea, and yet in my mind it speaks relevantly to a variety of different religions. If the eternal truth smothers the temporal ability to understand that truth, it is just as bad as if the temporal situation were to smother the ability to perceive the eternal truth.

I see Dennis Prager as someone who has a very good grasp of finding temporal situations as a vehicle for expressing eternal truths. Frankly, it is hard for me to see how anyone else in Judaism does this as well. And I have heard him acknowledge what Luke said. When asked are you Conservative, Reform, or Orthodox, I have heard him laugh and reply, “yes”. I can understand how some modern Orthodox would find it reprehensible that as many Christians call on him for the wisdom of the Torah, as do Jews. But personally I think this simply amplifies his relevance and demonstrates his capacity to speak the eternal truth into the situations and peculiarities that are unique to our life today. Dennis Prager is not a fundamentalist. Neither was Paul Tillich, and neither are many Christian voices.

RABBI RABBS EMAILS: Hi Greg,

Good to hear from you again, and thank you for your continued interest in our Torah Talks.

You claimed that I was amiss regarding our broadcast going so long. Please allow me to explain. There are three reasons why I don’t like marathon shows:

1) I think they are a burden to the viewers, and less people will start watching a show knowing it would take them 2.5 hours to get through it all. Folks are busy and don’t have time to sit through all of that. That’s why TV shows are either 30 minutes or 1 hour tops. Give it to them fast, and get them out of it quickly, and leave them begging for more.

You mentioned the interview with the columnist that was conducted prior to our show. I only watched 10 minutes of that replay. There is no way I’m going to sit through that entire opus. However, if that interview would be 30 minutes long in total, then there is a likelihood that I might sit through a couple of Youtubes to watch the whole thing.

See my point? The smaller it is, the larger the audience.

2) I suffer from terrible agoraphobia. I can’t be in front of the camera or in someone’s house for more than three straight hours. Once we start approaching that 3-hour mark, I will become incredibly uncomfortable, and be running for the exit.

3) I suffer from a chronic neck and shoulder injury, and my back physically can’t handle sitting that long. I need to take a break to stretch and walk around. I should be doing that at the 1-hour mark of a 2-hour show. But, if we do that, then we’ll lose the audience, so we keep playing through.

Ideally, I’d like to see the show end long before the 2-hour mark, and I wouldn’t need to stretch during it. I think the show should never go past 8:30. I think if we tried to do a tight 1-hour show each week, we’d be more successful. But, that’s just my opinion and I could be wrong.

Next topic. You wrote what seemed like a whole long condescending explanation as to how buying a wig affects the economy. I have no idea what your point is. I said that couple had no business paying for that expensive wig. I never said the wig was overpriced from the seller’s perspective. I couldn’t care less what the price is, as long as no Jew buys it.

I can understand why you as a non-Jew might be offended by my saying that money belongs to me, but that’s only because you confuse tzedakah with charity, and you don’t understand how tzedakah works in Judaism. I spoke about it a few weeks ago, but perhaps you missed that show so I will summarize now.

Torah commands us Jews to give 10-20% of all of our net earnings to the poor. That is not called charity that is given from the goodness of our hearts. Instead, that is a requirement, similar to taxes. That money belongs to the poor person, but instead of G-d giving it directly to the poor person, He gives it to rich people and tests them to see what they will do with it. Really, that money must be returned to its rightful owner, being the poor people. If those who temporarily are holding the money don’t give it to the poor person, then they are stealing that money.

That is how Judaism works. I am entitled to demand my money from my fellow Jews, because it is my money and they are required to give that money to me. Having stated that, I still try to be polite when I ask for monies, but when I see money being blown on luxuries while their fellow Jews are starving, then I just lose it.

Now, it is entirely possible that the couple in the video did give their 20% already, and therefore, I have no valid claim to the $3K. Still, it would have been better to give that money to me or to other poor people than to have the money wasted on a mop that got destroyed. That was my whole point. G-d intervened as if to teach everyone a lesson that if you’ve got $3K to blow on a mop that goes against the spirit of the mitzvah of covering her hair, then you should give that money to the poor instead.

LUKE TELLS RABBS: I prefer an adversarial/confrontational show. I am deliberately trying to provoke you much of the time. I’ve been like that since I was a little kid. If you were a Reform rabbi, I’d be sounding like you much of the time to try to provoke.

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‘But You Admire This Man?’

Here’s a painful memory.

It was the Spring of 1998. I was going out with this Jewish woman I met at synagogue. I brought her over to the hovel for the first time and like a chivalrous gentleman, I showed her some of my interesting websites, including one about Dennis Prager.

As she sat reading, she burst into tears. “But you admire this man?” she said. “And how you write about him! Oy!”

Later, I held her close on the floor. I didn’t have a bed. I just slept on a sheet on the carpet.

Nearby was a big stack of AVN magazines.

There was a lot of yelling outside.

“You’ve got to get out of here,” she said.

She was perturbed about my blogging and felt like she needed to set some limits. So she told me what type of photos I was allowed to take if I was going to date her.

The next day, I went into an office in the San Fernando Valley where they were shooting a movie. I snapped some photos of the forbidden variety and put them on my blog.

“Well, that didn’t take you long,” she said that night on the phone. “I guess you’ve made your choice.”

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Panic Attacks

I had a girlfriend who would get a panic attack every time she walked into a courtroom.

“You don’t have to,” I told her one evening. “You don’t have to get panic attacks any more. You can learn to free your neck and to let go of your tendency to push down, to push your panic into your stomach and to tighten your neck and compress your whole body into a ball of screaming.”

Boy, that didn’t go over too well. She got right back at me and tore into my failings.

People don’t want to take responsibility for their lives. They don’t want to examine if it is something they are doing that might be causing their problems.

I’ve only had surgery twice but both times it profoundly changed me.

In May of 1998, I hurt my wrist playing football. I went to a doctor. He said a bone in my wrist had several cracks in it. I would need surgery.

So I walked about three miles to the hospital. I went under anesthesia.

When I came out, I was being wheeled around the hospital. I felt so vulnerable. I hadn’t told anybody where I was. Nobody was waiting to take me home. I couldn’t believe how little control I had over my life. I just felt so vulnerable.

The nurse gave me coffee and shortly after I drank it, I threw up.

They decided to keep me in the hospital over night. That was one long night.

I went back into surgery three weeks ago, the day after Thanksgiving. During my pre-op consultation with the anesthesiologist, she asked me if I had any adverse effects from anesthesia. I told her about my previous panic attack, the only one of my life, I think.

She said that young men are the most likely to have panic attacks coming out of anesthesia. We have a hard time with that loss of control.

I did not have any panic attacks on this second surgery. A friend came and gave me a ride home. But it has been three weeks now, and I am different. I feel more keenly my vulnerabilities. I have less chutzpah these days. I am more sensitive to the vulnerabilities of others. It is like I have sobered up. I am not living in grandiosity as much. I’ve come down to earth.

My therapist says he has never connected as deeply with me as now.

Is Any Of This Experience Familiar To You?

* Maybe you found yourself in the hospital’s ER because you thought you were having a heart attack only to be told later it was anxiety?
* Do you ever fear you might stop breathing because your chest feels tight and your breathing erratic?
* When you drive do you fear the idea of getting stuck in traffic, on a bridge or at red lights?
* Do you ever feel nervous and afraid you might lose control or go insane?
* Have you struggled with anxious thoughts that will not stop?
* Do you ever feel uncomfortable in enclosed spaces such as supermarkets, cinemas, public transport or even sitting at the hair dressers?
* Are you nervous and on edge in normal situations that never bothered you before?

Do You Feel Any Of The Following Bodily Sensations?

* Dizzy spells leading to panic
* Tightness in throat and chest- shortness of breath
* Racing heart with tingle sensations
* Hot flushes followed by waves of anxiety
* Obsessive worries and unwanted thoughts
* Not feeling connected to what is going on around you
* Overwhelming fear that the anxiety will push you over the edge?

These and other similar uncomfortable sensations are all too common but the truth is you do not have to ever suffer from another panic attack or anxiety attack again. Click Here!

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The Top Ten Orthodox Blogs In English

There’s no Orthodox blog I read every day. I read most often (in order) Torah Musings, Frum Satire, Failed Messiah, and Cross Currents.

I am trying to come up with a top ten list, but I would not tell you that you must read certain Orthodox blogs including mine. I say, wait until somebody emails you a link or phones you and says, you must read this.

* Vosizneias
* Failed Messiah
* Torah Musings
* Yeshiva World News
* Frum Satire
* Cross Currents
* Morethodoxy
* Bloghead
* Rationalist Judaism
* Seforim

Worthy Contenders For Top Ten Status:

* On the Main Line
* Kol HaRav
* On the Contrary
* Seraphic Secret
* Frum Follies
* UnOrthodox Jew

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