Would You Like Another Glass Of White Wine?

Greg Leake emails: Rabbs, dude! what’s happenin’ ?

I completely agree with your assessment of the length of the show. I guess I did not express this very well. In a way I was underscoring your assertion that Luke pays more attention to the ladies than he does with you. However, as a heterosexual, I find this reassuring.

One wonders how it would go if Luke had a big time TV show…

Male guest: “Luke, I’m feeling a little dry. Do you have any water?”

Luke: “I think there’s a drinking fountain somewhere down the hall.”

Lovely female guest, dressed provocatively with a hint of Chanel No.5:

Luke: “We’re so fortunate to have you here today. Please, may I pour you another glass of white wine? I hope that these aperitifs are to your satisfaction. Do you ever date Jewish men after appearing on their shows?”

OK I’m exaggerating. maybe I’m actually portraying my own propensities if I had a talk show.

I think I was a little bummed out when you said that the woman should pay $30 for the scarf and the rest of the money should go to you. Your appreciation of the goy ethos will allow you to understand how foreign that rings in the Gentile’s ears.

Thank you for explaining tzedakah to me. That really provides a basis of understanding that otherwise would not be apparent. (I always thought tzedakah was Niel Sedaka’s last name.)

I appreciate your neck and back problem. I was walking across the floor one day, my legs went out from under me, and I thought I would never walk again. I went to the Texas Back Institute as 84% of their treatments were through physical therapy.

The doctors passed a prescription to the physical therapists with Masters degrees. The Master’s degrees passed the prescription to these little gals with Bachelor Degrees who led me through the phsycial therapy. I quickly realized that these young gals had issues with their fathers that they were taking out on me. I’m an athletic guy who has exercised all his life. But these little female sadists put me through a Marine Corps regime of exercise that had me whimpering for mercy.

On one occasion, I said, “you know, this is kind of painful.” (I believe I had a particularly plaintive tone in my voice.)

“Of course it’s painful,” she snapped. “You’ve had an injury!” (I began to have flashbacks of my old drill instructor shouting things at me, often punctuated by the word ‘maggot’.)

Rabbs, have you considered knocking out some teacher requirements to go along with your degrees? And then hooking up with the LA school system as a floating substitute teacher? Naturally you couldn’t teach science, but English or social studies might work. It’s just a thought.

RABBI RABBS REPLIES TO GREG: Greg,

Thank you for your prompt response. I think you misunderstood what I said to Levi. I did not pay attention to the length of his interview with that woman vs the length of his one with me. I couldn’t care less. Rather, it was the difference in his demeanor towards us during the interviews.

You’re welcome for the explanation about tzedakah. I am glad what I wrote helps to make more sense.

I’ve been through physical therapy, meds, trigger point injections, chiropractor, Chinese body works, you name it, I’ve tried it. I am now interested in a woman massaging my neck. Not that I like massage, but I’ve heard that if you get them to rub your neck and belly, they let you suck their breast milk, and that’s the closest I’ll ever get to tasting non-kosher food. Just a rumor.

I can’t imagine anything worse than being a substitute teacher. I used to substitute at a yeshivah high school, and I quit, telling the principal that I would not return, not even for $1 milliion. I was lucky to get out of there with those brats allowing me to keep my head on. Oy.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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