Building Self-Control One Cold Shower At A Time

For the past two years, I’ve been getting started every morning with a cold shower. For the first few months, I really hated it, and dreaded it.

Now that I’ve accustomed myself to the shock, it’s not so bad. It builds my self-control. It’s become part of my morning routine and I know I’ll feel better afterwards. “It doesn’t matter how I feel right now,” I tell myself, “I just have to get through a few seconds of pain.”

My cold shower rarely lasts much longer than a minute and only the first half is particularly painful, but by doing it, I get used to saying no to my natural inclinations and to discipline myself to do what is right. Even if I hate getting up early, taking that cold shower, and then walking to shul at 6 am, I do it because it’s good for me.

Self-control is a muscle. When you develop it in one aspect of your life, you will find it easier to exercise in other areas.

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Modern Orthodox Shul Chooses Chabad Rabbi

The Jewish Journal reports:

On Dec. 19, at a closed-door meeting in Congregation Shaarei Tefila’s social hall, about 60 of the Modern Orthodox synagogue’s current members voted to hire Rabbi Moshe Kesselman to lead the shul.

Kesselman has been serving as Shaarei Tefila’s rabbi on a month-to-month basis since summer, and the final tally of votes was 52-1 in favor of hiring him, according to board member Sholom Feigelstock. The near unanimity of the vote notwithstanding, anybody who came into the building through the La Brea Avenue entrance could easily see that what was going on inside wasn’t simply a synagogue conducting business as usual.

Allan Lowy, a former president of Shaarei Tefila, had filed a lawsuit against the synagogue and its current leadership just a few days earlier. On the night of the vote, two bodyguards prevented him from entering the building, so he stood at the entryway informing all those who could vote about what was going on.

“I am being barred from coming in,” Lowy told a young man with a close-cropped beard as a bodyguard checked his name against the list in his hand. “I am a member of the shul.”

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My Seventh Grade Teacher

I adored my seventh grade teacher at Pacific Union College Elementary School. She was beautiful and fun and kind.

She tried to help me come out of my shell by offering me a big role in the Christmas class play. For some self-destructive reason, I intentionally mumbled my lines and ended up with a non-speaking part as a shepherd.

I loved my teacher and loved for her to touch me but whenever she did, I shivered and pulled away. “Oh, that’s right,” she eventually said. “You hate to be touched.”

I didn’t, I just didn’t know how to react to getting what I wanted most.

I was a confused kid and a couple of times after class, I told her to “shut up.”

Finally, she pulled me aside and suggested I might prefer home schooling.

I hated that idea and put my behavior in line and finished off seventh and eighth grade with my class.

I have a perverse streak in the way I relate to people but I also have the ability to pull myself into line when my well-being is endangered.

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How Do Chabad Guys Do It?

I keep meeting Chabad guys with no money and no college degree and yet they’re married to young women who look like models. How do they do it?

Chaim Amalek emails: “Also, HOW DO THEY DO IT? I remember as a kid meeting the wives of some of my hebrew school teachers and being amazed at what some of them managed to marry. Is it because they get them before they know how hot they are and aim for someone higher? Brainwashing? I think you should infiltrate Chabad and figure this out before declaring yourself the spiritual successor to Menachem Schneerson.”

I have some ideas on how Chabad guys do it.

One, Lubavitchers (Chabadniks) tend to be the happiest Jews around. Good things happen to people who are happy.

Two. Lubavitchers are part of a tight-knit community that helps each other.

Three. It is an honor to marry a rabbi’s son or somebody who excels at Torah study and the like.

Four. Being married to a beautiful woman helps a man succeed in life. It motivates him to work hard and to be a good Jew so his wife can have an honored place in the community.

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You Have To Make An Effort

On Dennis Prager’s radio show today, psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer said: “Happiness, love, creativity, will power, all of them need input. Entropy, the tendency for things to disintegrate, is the default state. If we don’t put energy in, we’re going to be gloomy. If we put energy in, we have a chance to be loving, happy, creative. If you don’t make an effort to be happy, you’re not going to be happy.”

Dennis: “We assume that the given in a holiday is to be happy and if something is missing, something is wrong. But something is missing.”

Dr. Marmer: “One of the antidotes to giving up is to give to. If you feel like you are ready to give up, the best antidote is to give to someone else. There’s always someone who needs you. And when you do give to them, you will feel better.”

“Those who try to make it a perfect holiday will diminish their happiness. Make it a good holiday.”

“There is no correct way to warn. You should never reproach yourself for crying too much or not enough. We all have to do it in the way that moves inside of us.”

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Getting In Trouble

Years ago, I interviewed a teacher who in most of our dealings, was highly outspoken.

I noticed he was very careful during our recording in what he said. He seemed eager to not offend anyone.

At the end of the interview, after the tape recorder had been switched off, he said to me, “I don’t think I said anything that will get me in trouble.”

I immediately thought to myself, I’m not going to live a life where I have to worry about saying what I think. That’s not the way I roll.

If I say something stupid or wrong, I will always want to retract it promptly, but otherwise, so long as I am fair and accurate, who cares who gets offended.

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Dennis Prager Believes In The Chanukkah Miracle

According to Wikipedia: “According to the Talmud, olive oil was needed for the menorah in the Temple, which was required to burn throughout the night every night. The story goes that there was only enough oil to burn for one day, yet it burned for eight days, the time needed to prepare a fresh supply of oil for the menorah. An eight day festival was declared by the Jewish sages to commemorate this miracle.”

On his radio show today, Dennis Prager said he believed that that miracle historically happened. No scholar outside of traditional Orthodox Judaism would agree with Dennis here.

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NewGround: A Muslim-Jewish Partnership for Change

I have friends and acquaintances in this Muslim-Jewish dialogue group.

I think Alexander Technique would be so helpful for people trying to do things in a new way.

Let’s say you stay fixed in all of your habitual reactions to stimuli while you engage in fraught dialogue with members of another religion. You’re not likely to do well. You’re not likely to be able to hear the other and to speak to the other in a way they can understand.

I bet I could go to such meetings and just by looking at the body language, I could tell who really wanted to meet the other.

A flexible person is more likely to be flexible in their thinking and their ability to relate to other people while a stiff bloke is likely to be no bloody good to anyone.

One fascinating Alexander teaching that relates to this is that all beliefs are just unnecessary body tension.

I believe that peacenik rabbi Chaim Seidler-Feller — after years of attempts — has given up on dialogue with Muslims.

Ashley Adams, a union organizer and negotiator in the Boston area, talks with Robert Rickover about the Alexander Technique and it’s usefulness in the negotiation process.

Ashley is married to an Alexander teacher, Debbie Adams.

Ashley: “Alexander Technique is a method of unlearning bad habits of movement and posture and relearning a more useful way of doing what you do.

“An Alexander teacher shows you how to interrupt your bad habits and to insert a more thoughtful way of doing what you do.”

“By listening to the other side instead of habitually responding negatively and pounding your fist, you thoughtfully consider the problem and consider options.”

“By training people to think outside the box, Alexander Technique can help people to not just think habitually. People can inhibit their traditional no and yes and be more creative at the table.”

“As negotiators sit at the bargaining table, we tend to regress to the most basic kind of hunched-over tense posture you can imagine. Alexander Technique can replace that with a more comfortable way of sitting.”

Robert: “In Alexander Technique, ‘inhibition’ means to stop doing things that you don’t want.”

Ashley: “The verb you use when you accuse the other side of just doing what they always do is ‘posturing.’ Alexander Technique can help bargainers be more flexible in their approach.”

“If you can keep your head while the other side is losing theirs, you have an advantage. If you are keep your head mobile and fluid and released and the other side is tight and restricted, that helps you in life.”

“If you’re flexible, you’re less likely to lock horns and to be stiff-necked with others.”

Robert: “Our language reflects some deep truths about how our physical state relates to our mental state.”

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What Are We Doing To Our Kids?

In an interview with Robert Rickover (son of the founder of the nuclear navy), author Richard Brennan says: “I heard this radio program. A headmaster says that when our kids come into school at the age of five, they have lovely posture, they are bright-eyed, they are eager to learn and eager to please but when they leave school at 16 or 17, their posture is atrocious, they have no life in them at all, and they don’t want to learn and they don’t want to please. What are we doing to our children?”

“What they are doing in schools is that they are putting all children at the age of five in school chairs that slope backwards so they can be stacked easily. People don’t realize that children are sitting on two rounded bones, the sit bones, that are part of the pelvis. When you put a rounded bone on a chair that slopes backwards, the whole pelvis and hip joint become out of commission. The children have no chance except to bend their backs as they work at their desks. The first thing a child does is to tip the chair on to the front two legs. The second thing they try is to put a foot underneath. That helps their posture. But both of these habits, they get told off for them. So they bend every bone in their spine and we wonder why they come out bent.”

Robert: “Here it is a chair-desk combination. You can’t do any of that tipping. You take kids who are used to running around a lot and telling them to sit still for many hours a day in an environment that makes it difficult not to mess up your posture.”

“Often kids in first or second grade will carry backpacks weighing 20 pounds or more.”

Richard: “It sets up kids to have spinal scoliosis.”

Robert: “We have strict rules about the workplace but the kind of furniture children are forced to put up with would not be allowed in a workplace. The company could be sued for poor ergonomics yet we think that children are resilient.”

Richard: “When my son was five, I came in to his school and said to the headmaster, do you mind if I put a wedge-shaped cushion on Kieran’s chair? I explained to him. They had a meeting and they decided to buy a cushion for every child in the school. Two years later, he came up to me and said there is a noticeable change in the children’s posture. This is without any Alexander lessons.”

“I went in to my daughter’s school and found that out of a class of 24, eight of the pupils at the age of eight were wearing orthotics because of posture problems. I asked the children how many of them were getting headaches and neck aches at the end of the day and half of them put their hands up. Just introducing the cushion and putting it on the chair, which levels the chair out, most children change their posture immediately.”

“I sell chairs and cushions on my web site because it is the only thing outside of Alexander lessons that will help someone improve their posture.”

“If I don’t introduce the wedge-shaped cushion, people keep coming back for lessons because all the good work I do in Alexander lessons gets undone because they sit on these terrible chairs. It’s easier to get lasting improvement if they don’t go back to the very thing that caused the tension in the first place.”

Robert: “Another inexpensive addition is to make stools of various heights available to kids. There is an advantage to sitting with your knees lower than your hips.”

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Growing Old With Grace

Lifelong habits become more pronounced the older we are.

I notice that many people I know in their 30s are already old. They’re stiff. They move awkwardly. They fall down too much. They’re locked into certain habits of thinking and relating to people.

By contrast, other people I know in their 60s and 70s are fresh and vital and fluid in their movements.

Almost all of my Alexander Technique teachers have been in their sixties and they move with more grace than 99% of people.

The key to moving easily through life is a free neck.

Another key is not spending most of the day sitting in a chair. This numbs the kinesthetic sense and leads to muscular holding, pain and reduced functioning.

Robert Rickover writes:

The Alexander Technique can be described as a way to learning how to release harmful tensions from your body – tensions that get in the way of efficient functioning. Excess tension – particularly in the neck – has an immediate effect of balance. The neck is the connecting link between your body – which does the moving about – and your head, where those two important balance organs, your eyes and ears (more precisely, your inner ear canals) are located. Anything which interferes with the fluidity of that connection is bound to create balance problems.

You can easily test this for yourself by first standing on one foot for a few seconds, noticing your ability to remain upright. Once you have a sense of what it’s like to stand on one foot, tighten your neck and see what happens to your balance. (I’d advice having a chair or table or another person next to you while you perform this experiment so you can quickly get support if needed.)

It’s not uncommon for older adults to carry quite a bit of tension in their necks, and elsewhere in their bodies, without being aware of it. A major problem with this kind of chronic tension is that over time the “I am tense” signals from the affected muscles get cut off. Often older people with severe neck tension actually feel little or nothing in their necks. What they do notice, of course, are the results of that tension – restricted breathing, stiffness in their joints and, of course, increased risk of falling.

Although harmful tension habits are often become more deeply entrenched as we age, a hundred years experience of teaching the Alexander Technique has shown that these habits can be changed if there is a willingness and commitment to do so. In fact, many students of the Technique begin taking lessons in their 70s, and 80s. George Bernard Shaw is a famous example. He was in his late 80s when he started taking lessons with Alexander.

One of my own students, a 79 year old woman, said to me, after a couple of months of lessons, “It was getting so I had to severely limit my activities because I was worried about falling. I’ve had several friends who fell and had broken bones or, worse yet, had to have hip replacement operations. With what I’ve learned from the Alexander Technique I am able to walk pretty much anywhere I want to now. In some ways, I think I’m more active than I was 5 years ago!”

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