Luke Ford’s Secret Diary VII

Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four. Part Five. Part Six.

Sept. 8. 2009. I got into trouble today. I got too high on my bipolar spectrum and sent off a bunch of emails that I thought were funny but she found hurtful.

A son asks his mom (a friend of mine), "What’s a shiksa?"

She replied: "Your girlfriend, for a start."

Secular Jews.

***** never fails to say something stupid, something that makes me regret sharing with him.

******* would not be so upset if she did not really like me.

A lot of people have put themselves out to facilitate my conversion to Orthodox Judaism. I owe them. I don’t want to let them down. Nobody seems to know I’ve been going through this giur (conversion) for the past 15 months. I’m glad. I can’t believe it stayed private. What a relief. I hate questions about it.

I’m barely in shul these days. I just pop in and out. I don’t want to take a chance on anything going wrong with my conversion. One hater can ruin your whole life.

Sept. 13. I passed the Beit Din. It was neither easy nor difficult. I played it right. I could’ve lost my nerve and given up and my independent blogging and had Rabbi X sponsor me, but I did not. I went the hard way. I’m a drama queen. There’s no need to get goofy.

I can risk being vulnerable to others, just as I was with this Beit Din. I don’t have to assume the worst about others. I can be careful with them, treat them as I would want to be treated. I can be secure in myself and less likely to lash out at others.

I can walk taller in Pico-Robertson. I can accept aliyot (calls to the Torah). I’m the real deal, a real Orthodox Jew now. I’m not playing dress-up.

How many times did I fear this day would never arrive?

Sept. 14. I had my triumph yesterday. What lingers? A feeling of satisfaction and gratitude. I must shape up and fly straight. I’m driven to challenge the rabbis, push them to the limit. Most get tired of this and kick me to the curb.

Sept. 15. I embraced my bad boy last night. I celebrated the inappropriate things I’ve said. I was passionate and I connected. I came from a place of strength. Usually when I think about the dumb things I’ve said and done, I’m ashamed and shrunken and defensive and prone to lying.

I emailed **** last night. She responded. We talked on the phone. She still hates Orthodox Judaism. We’ll be friends with benefits. Will this get in the way of my getting married? I miss the intimacy. I need rest. I have felt run-down for weeks. I can’t sleep. *** will help. I slept last night with that kundalini music playing softly. I am grateful to have so much female attention. Now I want to find the one.

I have a lot of concerns about returning to ****. There remains a considerable charge. It’s always me returning to her. I have to make the first move.

Sept. 16. *** was really good. Conversation was good. We have such a strong connection. I am still exhausted. I wonder why I can’t sleep. **** listed off all these reasons why I am gay. I am thrilled I got to introduce **** to a lot of David Deida’s ideas. She’s open to his ideas. She’s open to a lot of my thoughts.

I can’t take any job while I am this exhausted. I had a good afternoon of blogging, but writing about myself rarely brings many hits or dollars. I need scoops.

I am so grateful that **** is back in my life. I was not better off without her. Most girls can’t hold a candle to her. I still don’t think that she’s ready for a relationship. I’m out of balance. When I become jealous and needy, **** is the pause that refreshes.

Sept. 17. So that was another amazing night. We both opened up. She shared her fantasies for the first time. I love how we’re unfolding to each other.

**** says I stopped talking to her. I did not realize that. We’d go to yoga and we’d get disconnected. She’s ashamed to be seen with me in public. Ashamed to think that people might believe we’re together.

Sept. 29. I’ve been sick and tired and anxious, but I am back with **** and thus I have excitement, intimacy, companionship. I’m going to the opera tomorrow night. Lisa’s invite.

Sept 30. I sit here waiting for the free parking to open up at 7pm on Grand and 8th. I’m still feverish but I am slowly getting better. I got two people off my back this afternoon by giving them what they wanted.

If **** were more free in her body, not as pulled down and tense, her neck like granite, she’d be more free socially with me. I don’t want a 50-50 relationship. I want intimate communion. I should make peace with pursuing her. So she does not always call me back? Big deal. Man up.

Oct. 1. Last night’s opera date with **** was everything I could want and more. She fascinates and excites me. She rocks my world more than any woman has. And I am more more compatible with her. I just feel happy and excited by life.

**** is amazed that everywhere we go, I run into someone I know.

When the *** runs out, where will we be? I’m wary about how emotionally involved she is with her dog.

Oct. 2. I am so scared about money. I’ve made no progress on this. I want to take action but I am sick.

Rodger…is playing with doing a one-act play based upon my ….

I’ve signed up for that storytelling workshop.

Oct. 7. My writing workshop was everything I wanted and more. Terrie is a great teacher. I love her questions. Her feedback. Her powerful laugh. What does it mean that I want to be a rock that women dash themselves against? I want to be strong.

It’s been 2.5 weeks since I got sick. I think I’m finally feeling better. It’s discouraging. I’m no closer to a solution for my finances.

That was funny and running into Mary* outside my place. She now lives on my street. Boy, did she blow me off. Did not answer any of my last four emails.

I find the writing workshop a stimulus to my spirit, to my ego, to my creativity. It’s just the thing I need — to get out of the house and meeting people and competing and working on my writing.

Oct. 13. I did not handle **** too well this morning. Maybe she will get the message. I sent the same sort of email to Holly. She’d say, I’d never know what you were thinking until I read your blog or your emails. Holly got the message. She handled it OK.

I just made the requisite phone call apology to ****.

I only obsess over **** when the circumstances of my life permit it. There are lots of exciting women out there. I’ve dated many of them. Maybe I’m slowly feeling better, but I am still weak and feverish and heavy.

The reference librarians here are hot. Young and hot and smart.

**** is a hopeless case with her anger, her contempt for men, her secular leftist values, her infidelity, her shame at being seen with me in public, her attachment to her dog…

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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