Luke Ford’s Secret Diary VI

Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four. Part Five.

Aug. 11. I said goodbye to my therapist last night. It was lovely. She’s so genuine. She connects to that part of me that’s genuine and vulnerable. Perhaps I should expand my willingness to be vulnerable. What could I have said to **** when she told me she had fooled around. Ouch. That’s so painful. I feel like you stabbed me. I guess we’ve been friends with benefits. Until now, I’ve been monogamous because I wanted to give us a chance. And I was lazy and didn’t want the aggravation of fooling around. One woman is all I can handle.

Your attitude towards me was always cool-eyed friendship. Now I have so many possibilities.

Max* says she always struck him as a bitch interested in status. Cold. Grasping. Nothing I told him surprised him. He was surprised each time I went back to her. He says I can do better. She had so much contempt for me. She was like )))). She was ashamed being seen with me. She has contempt for men, for those with lower status.

Until last night, ******* had never sought me out. Then she asked me for a ride home. That’s a good sign. She trusts me. She’s interested in more. Conversation was effortless. She has delicate features. She’s a rebel who’s played the corporate game. ^^^^^ was so friendly and verbally combative last night. She likes me. She gets my sense of humor.

I feel like a failure. The world is indifferent to me. I’m searching for my sweet spot. I’m in between relationships. It would be so nice to have a relationship with a girl into Judaism.

I identify with Hunter S. Thompson but I hope I treat people better. I want to read and reread Lolita. I want to capture that witty writing.

My life is full. If I make an appointment with Rabbi *****, that will give me the incentive to memorize everything. I feel insecure about this conversion process but they’ve passed people who know far less than I do. If I meet someone who’s Orthodox from birth, will she be open to seeing Orthodox Judaism through my eyes? Do you like it when I am empathic? When I try to see things from your POV? Well, how about making an effort to see things from my POV.

Through my deeds and my words, I am sketching an ineradicable portrait of myself. Do I like it?

I want to be more vulnerable. I want to develop the traits my therapist liked.

Aug. 12. The girls ignored me last night. I appreciated that donation from Dr. L. He sensed my desolation. It’s been five weeks since things ended with…

I find all this minute memorization of Jewish law irksome. The fun has gone out of Torah. I’m not exactly a social butterfly. My phone rarely rings.

Aug. 13. I’m poised between a lot of things right now. Surely something, someone will break my way. Can all these women resist my overtures? I think not. Younger and cuter is better. Jewish is better.

Remember how….ignored my questions. Shut me out. What a **** she was. I’m glad to be done with her witchcraft. I fear I am not getting enough sleep and this will precipitate illness.

3pm. Oy, I mishandled J. I came on too strong and did not wait for IOIs (Indicators of Interest). I’ll keep up my cocky funny routine. She likes that.

I’m writing a lot of sentences where I lose my nerve halfway through. I want to keep it real, but then I lose my courage. I want to tell the unvarnished truth but I don’t have the balls. I fear the rabbis.

Aug. 14. Joey Kurtzman gave me a lot of positive feedback at yoga last night. He says my body has totally changed in the past year from doing Alexander Technique and yoga. I feel loved at yoga. I feel surrounded by friends. I’m thinking a lot about ****’s hot ****. I want to **** her like a *****.

I wonder why I write 50x as much about sex in my journal than I do about God. I write nothing about God. I don’t think about God. God is absent from my life. This has been my least religious year in 20 years. I am unwelcome at so many shuls. I am converting to Orthodox Judaism and my connection is more tenuous than ever. I have no joy in my Jewish practice. I don’t have many Orthodox friends. I’m not wanted in Orthodox Judaism.

Aug. 16. I had a great time at **** yesterday. I met ******. So young and pretty and passionate. She seems ideal for me. I need a hot 22yo. We share interests in Orthodox Judaism without being insular. I love how upfront she was with me. I love it that we have friends in common. Maybe they will talk me up.

She reminds me of that other Bais Yaakov girl who was a big fan.

My Shabbos was pretty close to ideal. All I need are more friends and a GF to share it with.

All I’m thinking about these days is what I would say if I were to called to speak at an Orthodox shul. I’d share stuff I learned from Alexander Technique and how it applies to a religious life:

* We have faulty sensory perception. We don’t see ourselves accurately.
* We can’t tackle certain things head-on. Some things are only available as a by-product. Some things need a teacher. Some things you can only learn one-on-one with a teacher.
* We need to inhibit our inclinations and then think about our directions before acting.
* We don’t need to reinvent the wheel. We have a system.

Aug. 17. I wonder what is going on with ^^^^^^. She made some uncharacteristically amorous comments. When I read them, I immediately thought, how does her BF feel about this? I have been friends with her for so long, I am so keenly aware of her, I wonder if I could ever love her? We are so similar. The more things a couple has in common, the better.

I was right to push Joey Kurtzman to pick up the check last night for dinner. He’s off to India for three months. I’ll miss him. He’s a true friend. A lost soul. I feel like an older brother to him.

Everybody is a role model to somebody.

I feel like my life is coming together. ****** life is coming together. It’s an awesome synchronicity.  Pouring my soul into yours. I love to feel so close to someone that words are irrelevant.

My kingdom is not of this world. It’s online.

Hunter S. Thompson’s writing style: Places himself at the center of the story, his concern with getting the story is the centerpiece of the narrative, the use of wild flights of fancy, and the use of a companion. A manic highly-adrenal first-person style. A frantic loser, psychotic, inept.

Who does that remind you of?

Aug. 18. I liked doing yoga last night with Hot Shiksa. She’s cute and sweet. I feel like we could talk for hours and it would be easy. It was funny when she asked me about my wife. I loved how she walked over to me last night and sat beside me and smiled.

I need to hustle for dollars. Squeeze out tuition for months Alexander Technique teacher training. I have to drop my pride and ask to borrow money. I have no spare time. On Shabbos, I collapse. I wonder where I can reduce spending? I’ve cut out acupuncture. I skimp on physical therapy and have skipped the podiatrist. I need to see the dentist. Every day that the available credit on my cards does not get cut is a good day. My blog is a pleasant and frequent source of funds. I can do more writing for …. How can I find time for love, romance and dating? Relationships take a lot of time. I can do all this. I’ve done it before.

I’ve got a month off from therapy. That will save $200.

I have little room for error in my life. Stay focused. Disciplined. Healthy. Strong.

I should write a story about the Camera of Death, about a photographer who goes to glamorous events and finds the squalor.

Aug. 19. I feel good about my full life. That beats the old moping Luke.

Aug. 20. I fear getting closer to people. It’s easier holding them at a distance and communicate my feelings via my blog. In many ways, that is cowardly.

I should’ve accepted the offer of money from …. when I visited him in the hospital and brought him his clothes and stuff. I have a hard time accepting what I’ve earned. I did the work. I need the money.

Converting to Judaism will be a lot tougher than ….expects. The LA Beit Din is by the book. She thinks she’ll be done in six months. Hah! Conversion is not just about the acquisition of knowledge. You are joining a tribe. It must change your behavior. I am on track. My blog posts are out there, but I am not too far over the line.

I had a nice walk and talk with my old rabbi. I hope we can be close again.

Aug. 24. I passed my test with Rabbi **** yesterday. Thrilled! I should go before the Beit Din the week before Rosh Hashanah. I don’t want to get too goofy. I must hold myself in control. I must rebuild my Jewish life.

Guru Singh says there’s nobody you can’t talk to anymore. When you say, you’re saying, I don’t want to look in that mirror again.

I’m working all day on my blogging and bringing in about $30 max. I have some time to do something marvelous with A few weeks. Then I have to get a job after the holidays.

I bet a lot of rabbis will be blown away by my posts over the next few days. With every great post, I feel more powerful.

Now that I have about finished my conversion, I can think about God again and what I love to do in Judaism. Boy, I really owe certain rabbis. Man, am I indebted to them.

I’m having vivid dreams. If I can’t sleep, I might as well go to sadhana (early morning yoga).

Aug. 28. Why is she blowing me off? I keep trying to talk to her and she keeps walking away. Weird. I thought we were connecting. Fine. I’ll just move on.

I had two setbacks this summer — **** cheating and my fenderbender.

I’ve rarely felt connected to anyone while doing yoga.

Aug. 30. I need to identify my deepest purpose. It is writing with a particular awareness of moral issues, informed by my Orthodox Judaism. Does promiscuous sex serve my highest purpose?

I am thrilled that these young women moved to my street. What a party last night. The more women in my life, the better. The more possibilities. The more chances to connect.

I can’t believe I knocked on their door and invited myself to their party.

Wow, **** has fallen off the derech. How much has changed in a year. She was all set to finish her conversion.

Sarah adores me. That makes me feel so good about myself. She said so many nice things about me to people. I owe her.

I fear that **** moves on a higher social plane than I do. Can I fly with her?

I had no idea I could pay for a year of Alexander teacher training. I’ve pulled that off. I need $15,000 to finish my training. I had so many fears when I started the training, that nobody would like me, that I’d say things that were inappropriate, and none of them came true. If I can get certified, think what I am capable of? I took a chance, I committed myself, and it will pay off.

I was willing to be vulnerable and enter the Beit Din conversion process.

I am spending less time at shul these days than any time since I was bedridden. That will change after my conversion. I’ll get back into those shuls that banned me. Yoga has been a good substitute for shul.

Sept. 4. What’s great about today? I’m not as screwed up as my friend. I can help her.

I feel like I can propitiate my sins by writing about them.

I signed up to go to the JConnectLA High Holidays. This will be my last JConnectLA event. It is for people in their 20s and 30s. I’m 43.

I’m tired of being peripheral to women. I want to be vital. I love that Aussie girl. Cute brunette. Educated. Journalist. I wonder if she’s Jewish?

If I don’t get my finances in order, I’ll never secure a wife.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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