Luke Ford’s Secret Diary II

Part one.

July 17, 2009. ***** was very friendly last night. She gave me her card and pointed out her email address. I emailed her and she replied an hour later, saying meeting me was a "pleasure". She asked if I gave ———-. I said yes, maybe we should do it one day after class. She said yes, definitely.

While waiting for H. yesterday, I spotted this gorgeous woman, beautifully dressed, sitting by herself. I should’ve hit her up. Remember! Many women find me attractive. I have not connected with anyone the past few weeks in Norwalk. I need to take more chances.

What is my greatest fear with Jane? That I don’t represent enough value for her to have an incentive to treat me with care. This is a familiar fear for me. I love high-powered women.

About a month ago in therapy, I said, I’m over Jane. I’m miffed that she cheated first.

I admire how socially smooth and connected she is. I dream about her pulling me into a higher orbit, connecting me with more people. None of her friends, however, seem to be writers.

Girls love the way I touch them. I’ve got the touch! I’ve got the power!

I must be quite the comedown for ****, to go from such powerbrokers to me. It must kill her that she never sealed the deal with ***. I wonder if she would’ve had any career without ***? She’s a good writer.

If I don’t get a Shabbos meal invite today, I’m going to Guru Singh’s special class tonight.

Sometimes I go several years without a girlfriend. Half a relationship with **** is better than that.

I want to push myself to chat up chicks. It’s a numbers game. It’s an opportunity for me to sharpen my game.

I’m imagining **** and I meeting up with her ex. I bet he’d out alpha me.

What do I love about ****? It’s not that she has an amazing body or mind. I love the complete package. **** had not told her family about me. Hardly a vote of confidence. Two months ago, I was hurt that she had not introduced me to her friends. Many of the issues I had with her then have disappeared. I feel confident that I have my hooks into her and she’ll come running back. Part of me wants to be cuckolded and betrayed and humiliated so I can cover myself with sackloth and ashes and then rise again remade. Stronger in all the broken parts, as Hemingway would say.

July 19. I skipped shul Friday night and went to the Guru’s special eclipse class. It was jammed. I had a nice chat with Kami*. She looked about 28. She worked with kids. She had a fresh pure face and a bright neshama.

Shabbos morning, I went to ******* minyan. I only stayed for an hour. It was hot. I went back for Mincha and Shalosh Sheudos. Cut out early before Maariv. Walked home with D. and D. I’d like to get them married and create a Jewish home so I can have them over for Shabbos.

Last night, I listened to a Lisa Aiken lecture on sex. I love her. She makes so much sense. I wish **** would listen to this lecture with me and then discuss it. It’s only worth getting back together if we commit to getting married. It’s time to stop fooling around. I wan t a GF/wife for whom I am the most important thing in the world. I want monogamy. I want to create a Jewish home. White tablecloth on Friday night. Candles. No TV. No phone.

I talked to J. today at yoga. I really wanted to talk to the redhead but she showed no indicators of interest. J. wants to make his living as a songwriter. I need more writers in my life. I need more resonators for my writing. I need more encouragement and competition and inspiration.

I want to join a writing class. I’m glad to be done with the conversion class. I already knew 90% of it and was too impatient to learn the remaining 10% in class. I am almost finished with the Beit Din. Yay! I’ve almost made it. I can’t believe it. I never thought I’d make it through. I thought I was screwed when Rabbi * said he would not sponsor my conversion unless I gave up and did my future blogging under his thumb.

Jesus H. Christ. I love and hate these rabbis.

I’d love to get an MFA in creative non-fiction after I’ve finished my three years of Alexander Technique teacher training. I want to devote myself to the things I do best, and not have to grind out all these menial jobs.

I’m poised to find a wife. I wonder who it will be?

I must eat more green leafy vegetables.

July 20. The cute busty latina chick at Starbucks is Leslie. I’m glad I asked for her name. I want to be more outgoing. If you conquer the men, you’ll conquer the women. Conquer the room and you’ll conquer the women.

Remember that cute 18yo at Starbucks? She liked me. I should’ve ****** her. If I am my friendly outgoing self, I’ll connect soon.

I walk around with an empty feeling. It is a result of ****’s absence from my life. I’ve never been in this position before. What we had was great. I don’t believe it is over. I can’t believe that **** wants to walk away from what we have. I would need **** to become more religious if we were to marry.

I wonder what I could do to make today great. I suspect my most important hour will be with my therapist. I always walk out feeling better.

What’s the most dangerous part of my life now? My drive time. Don’t text while in motion!

My life would be immediately better if I allowed **** back in but we would be wasting our time that would be better spent looking for someone to marry.

What can I take away from my relationship with **** that I would like to find in my wife? Someone who:

* gives me her body to feast on
* love sex
* is present
* sends chills up my spine when she says my name because I am never sure what incredible thing she will say next
* leaves me yearning to spend more time with her
* who connects me to other people and reveals a lot of things in life I have been missing.
* Being with **** was like living life in High Definition
* Opens up my world
* rarely says anything needlessly cruel
* can open up about her emotions and mine
* is good at reading me and cluing in to what I am feeling
* makes me the most important thing in her life
* turns to me first
* wants to connect with me
* is proud to be with me, proud of what is good in me, and yet is simultaneously committed to improving me
* is reliable
* never gets boring
* is open to sharing my enthusiasms
* I can build credibility with

What have I learned that I do not want? I do not want someone who:

* is not religious
* left-wing
* still involved with her exes
* drinks and drives
* so involved with pets that it gets in the way of us
* cheats
* comes from a broken home
* presents a distorted view of me to others
* ignores me for long stretches of time
* driven to cut off my balls
* not interested in my work, says ignorant things about it

A lot of the problems I had early on with Jane went away. She let me stay the night. She gave me great …. She somewhat relaxed into being my GF. She introduced me to many of her friends. It is interesting that our relationship never came up in any of those conversations. They were very preliminary.

What do I want to give my wife? My

* fidelity
* reliability and maturity
* friends and family
* laughter and sense of adventure
* good listening skills
* brilliance
* commitment to God, Torah and Israel
* healthy living
* sensual cuddly side
* Alexander Technique skills
* love of reading and writing
* commitment to personal growth
* success
* I don’t get boring
* cleanliness and tidiness (for a straight male)
* willingness to share her enthusiasms
* willingness to acknowledge her expertise

I don’t want to be like James Joyce in these ways:

* Unfaithful
* Irreligious
* sponger, borrower
* self-absorbed
* unthinking about the consequences of his behavior on others

How I learned we were breaking up.

* I was living with Sandra* in 1993. She stayed out all night. Returned home around noon. "As you probably guessed," she said, "i was with my ex."
"Did you sleep with him?" I asked.
"What do you think?" she said.

* "I’m going to Europe," she said in 1998.
"Oh," I said. "I’ll be here waiting."
"Don’t wait for me," she said. "We’re not going anywhere."

* 2004. When she blogged her dissatisfaction with our last dinner. I wouldn’t wait for the waiter to bring a doggie bag for her dessert. I wanted to go see the movie Big Fish. She asked for feedback from her readers. All of the commenters said to dump me.

* 2007. When Cathy Seipp didn’t ask me to be a pallbearer at her funeral.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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