Luke Ford’s Secret Diary V

Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four.

August 3. I loved being with a girl who was fanatical about staying in shape.

Remember how Jane dissed my blog post about Mary? Jane would not read past the first sentence because it was hypocritical. I could’ve responded, that’s just rude. I could jump all over one sentence you’ve written and use it to diss you. I could list off ten reason why an essay of yours is crap. I guess I won’t bother sharing the most important part of my life with you. Your needless cruelty is duly noted.

You’re right that I can never accuse you of hypocrisy because you don’t stand for anything that makes moral demands on you. You can have affairs, drink and drive, steal, do drugs, dishonor your parents, and nobody can ever accuse you of hypocrisy. Sweet deal for you!

I wonder what was the most important part of Jane’s life. I wonder how she would’ve liked it if I had treated that with contempt? What a c*** she was.

I’m thinking about Jane’s last visit to the hovel. She had so much contempt for me. She said she did not like me. Next time, how will I handle her contempt? I could try to ascertain if she feels contemptuous towards me. If she does, then move on. No relationship can survive contempt. If she chooses to go from my bed to fooling around with someone else that same day, I never have to worry about what might have been. I just know it is time to ride away.

Seeing ******* makes me happy. Maybe I should tell her that. Maybe I should tell more people that. What’s the point of being with someone fundamentally unhappy? Yuck! I want a GF who’s fundamentally happy. I don’t want someone vibrating with anger. I want someone who likes her family.

I should’ve said, "Wow. You have so much contempt for me it takes my breath away. How do I respond to something like that?"

I remember her spread before me. She gave herself to me totally, like she had never given herself to anyone before. I enjoyed the best of her. Now I can leave the rest of her.

I live in LA. The sun is shining. I’m driving a nice car. I have *******. What’s not to love?

If Jane and I get back together, we should talk about marriage and what we would want from the other to make that possible.

I’m surprised and hurt she hasn’t been in touch. I’d love to get a long email from her telling me what was going on with her while we were together. Closure!

Song lyric: "When you go quiet, that’s when I know you need to talk."

I am making only moderate progress on my assignments from the Beit Din.

**** pulled away for a variety of reasons. I did nothing bad to her. I should have no regrets.

I meet so many chicks at …. But I have only dated one. What’s up with that? Where’s my mojo? Remember when I came to LA in 1994. I was getting **** like crazy. I was so aggressive. Maybe I need to reclaim and rechannel some of that aggression.

I’m wondering who will pay for my next vacation. I love it when readers fly me around to places and put me up.

She ain’t that special. She ain’t accomplished anything special with her life. There are thousands of Jewish chicks in LA I could get hung up on. Once I finish my Orthodox conversion, I’ll return to studying those pick-up books. I’d love to go for a long drive out of town. I yearn for adventure, for a change to my routines. How can I put myself around more hot chicks?

I have a nice friendship developing with…. Chicks are noticing our camaraderie. They listen in on our conversations. I have to put some hooks out there to snag them. The more things I am passionate about, the more attractive I am to chicks and other living creatures.

I’d love to ask ****, was there ever a point in our time together that you felt we were monogamous? I’d love to know when that feeling started and when it ended.

Am I victim? No way. I had no illusions about the kind of woman I was with. I was done with her weeks before she cheated on me.

Remember how upset she got when I told her those old ladies were cupping my buttocks in Alexander Technique?

The best revenge is living well. I have cut away my need of her.

Never once in our time together did I turn her down. If we were to get back together, I’d be less available, less easy. Women love a mystery and a challenge. I’m feeling a strong connection to… I need to take the next step and get her Facebook info. Failing that, her email. I’ll say, "What if I have some profound thought that would forever change your life?"

It felt great to have everyone hanging on my every word last night. As my teacher told me, nobody else in the place can captivate a room like I can.

I want to take that confidence into the Tu’B’Av event tonight.

That hot blonde likes me. She initiated the conversation last night. She said she was single. She volunteered private info. And to think I used to tell myself that she was out of my league.

Guru Luke is back!

I want to keep my hovel and my life as hospitable as possible for the next lady. Next time around, ask, what would you like from me? If I call you twice a day, is that too much? If you do X, I’m going to spend more time with others. Is this friends with benefits? Is this a romantic relationship? I did not expect things to go anywhere with ****.

I need to remove ambiguity from my relationships. Make it clear where we are at and where we are going. It’s so much easier to date within Orthodox Judaism. Where do you hold?

Aug. 6. I gave the party a shot. I met a lot of people but did not get any phone numbers. In the age of Facebook, phone numbers are less important. The most important thing about last night was the number of people who told me I had good energy, that I have a smile that can light up a room. This tells me I am on the right track.

If I were to do last night over, I’d hydrate more. Stay later. Talk to more people. I need to work on my approach game. I need to have more exciting things to say, rather than just asking questions.

It felt so good to have friends there last night who anchored me and refreshed my self-confidence. They introduced me to new people. I wonder why I felt so out of it last night? Because I was tired. I felt a lot of people were ill at ease talking with me. That sucks. I’m becoming the creepy old guy that hits on young chicks out of my league.

I need to build myself up so more people want to connect with me. I need to make more money. How can I free up more time for writing? How can I be more alpha?

Last night’s event was not my type of venue. I’m not into clubs and loud music. Last night was a great opportunity to meet a lot of women but my heart wasn’t in it. Nobody I talked to fired me up. Best thing I can do for my psyche is get back in the saddle.

I have not been studying enough Torah. Talking to Andy* yesterday was tiring. His trust issues are so huge.

Going out and meeting people is great for my writing. It makes it come alive. It creates more personal and professional opportunities for me.

Aug. 7. M. seemed fragile last night. Vulnerable. She seems to have aged since I saw her last. I always enjoy talking with her. She’s super-smart and ambitious. J. seemed particularly friendly. I wonder if she will have dinner with me. If a woman looks at me repeatedly, I need to go up and talk to her.

I’m glad **** is staying away from …. That means she is no more over me than I am over her.

I must study more for my Beit Din.

Man, whenever I feel down, I should just hang out at a Starbucks in Beverly Hills and meet chicks. That was girl was staring at me and I had to run off before talking to her. She was intrigued.

If I can **** with a girl, I can hook her with the great ***.

I’m gonna use these valleys to assess where I went wrong so I can spend more time on the peaks.

A valley is where you focus on what you don’t have (Spencer Johnson).

A peak is where you are grateful.

I need to demonstrate more social proof. How can I write more and better blog posts that touch more people more deeply?

I hate feeling on the outside. I want to live from the inside, just like Rabbi Marc Gafni talks about. I’ve had enough glimmerings of life on the inside that I yearn to return there. I want to be welcome in more homes. I want to be a part of a family, like I was with the Muths at Pacific Union College. It hurt to look at the photos of … wedding and feel on the outside. I want to join the dance. That’s why my Orthodox conversion is so important.

It’s sad seeing all these aging beauties who are not into organized religion. What will keep them warm once their looks go? I have a community.

I just got into a fender-bender. My fault. A great life lesson. I can be reckless in driving and in the rest of my life. I’ve had a lot of these little lessons before. A good thing this occurred when I was going five mph. When I back up, I have to be more cognizant of the wide arc my car takes when I’m turning. My last car accident was 1997. I’ve made a lot of similar mistakes in my life. As I age, I get more careful. I am on track to a good life but a moment’s carelessness can set me back months. I’m gonna be out at least $600.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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