I’ve been keeping a journal since July 15, 2009.
Here are some excerpts:
July 15. I met a new friend in yoga. She’s tall and meaty. I like her body. I like how fit and flexible she is. She meditates every day. She seems receptive to me. She hangs on my every word. Her body language is friendly. She loved it when I touched her.
She talked about writing with your left-hand. It makes you present. It is very time consuming.
She talked about her partner. A couple of weeks ago, she would not answer my friend’s questions about whether or not she was in a relationship. But she confides in me.
This cute singer should be there tonight. I hope she wears colorful clothes.
All these girls need my tender ministrations. It’s a shame I’m a Torah Jew or I could give it to them.
My therapist leaves Aug. 12. I wonder if she will have lunch with me afterwards? Stay in touch?
Last Thursday, Jane* told me that she had fooled around with her ex-GF last Friday night. How did I feel about that? I felt sick. I got off the phone before answering her. I have not communicated with her since. I am hurt by her infidelity. I need to get laid.
I talked to Mary* last night. She said that success to her meant having a baby. I wonder if she wants mine? She said she was not married and she did not have a boyfriend. She’s chosen to sit next to me for two classes in a row. She seems to like me.
I don’t want to get a reputation for hitting on every chick in sight. I must be cool.
Sarah* did not show up for Torah class. She’s cute. Delicate. Well-educated. Reads social cues. She’s not answered my last three emails. You’d think I’d get the hint.
I could keep ******* **** if I could swallow my pride and turn a blind eye to her infidelity, but I may exclude her from my life so I can open up space for someone I can marry. Finding a woman to marry will be a lot easier once I finish my conversion with the Beit Din. That could happen Aug. 2. First, Rabbi *** will test me July 26. I better be ready. I feel confident, but not cocky. I feel poised. A few months ago, I felt doomed and discouraged about becoming a fully certified Orthodox Jew.
July 16. ***** did not show up to yoga last night. Instead, I had some awkward conversation with a young blonde. When I told her it was nice to do yoga by candlelight, she paused and asked, "Did you say it is creepy to do yoga by candelight?"
I can’t wait to get a new girlfriend, though I feel like **** and I have oceans to explore between us. There’s just so much to discover. I feel like we have only scratched the surface of each other. We could spend an eternity just doing writing exercises and reading them to each other. We would both like to get an MFA.
I wonder if she ever had sex with other girls when she was with Don*. I suspect not. She valued him too highly. She doesn’t respect me. She feels comfortable hooking up with other girls. I wonder if **** had sex with others while she was with me? I am better off without her.
I see some parallels in my relationships with **** and Holly. Both insisted on keeping their exes tight. Both loved to cut my balls off. Both dissed me effortlessly and regularly. Still, **** is a big upgrade from Diana* and Felicia*.
I should finish my conversion in a couple of weeks. That will make it a lot easier to find a Jewish wife.
As my triumph last Wednesday night showed, I can mesmerize a room. I can meet women effortlessly when I am in the groove.
When I have completed my conversion, I will have a lot more confidence to go into Jewish life and meet people. The more people I connect with, the better my chances at finding a good job and finding a wife and leading a good life.
As I keep having the same problems with the high-achieving women I want — they don’t respect me and they don’t value me — then the issue is with me. I need to live more impressively. They keep telling me that my life is a mess. So how can I tidy up my life? By tidying up my hovel. Driving a new car. Buying a new suit. Staying committed to yoga, therapy, and Alexander Technique.
I’m impressed by the number and quality of Jane’s friends. They speak well of her. You can judge a person by her friends. Many of them are Orthodox and conservative, so maybe there’s hope for me? If I asked Jane, how could I clean up my life?, I wonder how she would answer.
I’ve spent $1200 on my feet and other soft-tissue damage. Now I am in better shape than I have been in at least nine years. That’s progress.
I wish Google would take me out of its sandbox and return my blog to its search index. I’ve lost my power and two-thirds of my traffic.
I want to go hug a tree. Where else will I get a hug today?
I’m surprised I have not made connection at this Starbucks in Norwalk nor at the library.
Without a doubt, I am the greatest writer of my generation.
As an artist, my insights into life are keener. As a poet, I am accountable to a different moral code. My Torah is considerably smaller to allow me the flexibility I need to explore the human condition. For instance, there’s nothing in my Torah against having *** with as many 00000000 as I can.
I dig into the darkest recesses of the psyche — my psyche — and bring to you the profoundest insights. Everybody I meet is fodder for my blog. My every interaction is fertilizer for my writing.
Blogging is a battlefield. Or perhaps a courtroom where I am judge and prosecutor.
I use my blog to settle scores. Without this, I’d scarcely write.
I don’t want you to ignore my sins. I want you to forgive them out of love, out of an awareness that my crimes don’t represent my true self.