Luke Ford’s Secret Diary IV

Part one. Part two. Part three.

July 27, 2009. I’m pretty sure I can hook up with… Do I want to? I can get back in the saddle right now. Hah! I’m gonna be fine. I’m thrilled that my driving job should extend a few more weeks. What can I take away from my relationship with Jane that will help me as I go forward? It’s an affirmation that attractive accomplished women with wide social circles want to —- me.

So many hot chicks at …. on Shabbos. This fills me with hope. I need to be smarter about where I sit so I can engage them. I need to stick around for… I’ll feel more confident once I complete my conversion.

I’ve got all my blogs rocking.

I wonder how long **** will stay away from yoga. I loved it when she said, "I want to look hot and I want you to think I look hot!"

I have power in the community. Simultaneously, I am in a super-vulnerable place. There’s no room for error. I need to keep growing in my Torah.

As I think about Jane, a sneer crosses my face. "You ****ed up girl." She’s another high-achiever who gave me the brush-off. I wonder how many of them are married? I suspect few. They’re throwing their lives away in delusion. They are so sure that no man will tell them what to do that they won’t be vulnerable. They’ll stay in touch with their exes if they want, they’ll play around because it makes them feel sexy and desirable. They’re not good wife material. That’s why my smile curls with contempt.

If I ever pass by **** at yoga, I’ll say, "Excuse me, mam."

I just bought my massage table. I’m committed to doing Alexander Technique. I have the tools. I see good times stretched out in front of me.

6:50 pm. I’m waiting for therapy. I got a chipper email from my rabbi. I feel chipper. My new massage table fits neatly beside my bed. I had a nice chat with Joe*. He loses me in generalities. He’s a lot of effort to talk to. So far, no reward.

I put in a lot of time today on my Jewish studies. Memorized the 39 categories of forbidden work on Shabbos. Borei Nafshot blessing (after a snack).

I hate the people in this waiting room. They seem so trashy.

July 28. I learned in therapy I have every reason to feel proud of the way I’ve handled the ballbusters in my life. I’ve learned to be calm, less reactive. I did not do anything to lose my relationship with Jane. I could no longer respect myself if I stayed around her.

My relationship with **** was the longest and most successful. I feel like I battled her to a draw. The other relationships were defeats. I noticed —— had tears in her eyes when I talked about finishing my conversion to Judaism.

I did not discuss with my therapist how I got through this break-up without need of medication. I was able to ride it out. My instrument is finely-tuned now that I am medication free.

I look forward to doing these morning pages.

It’s pathetic when these old bags around Starbucks dress like girls.

I wonder how I can add more value so that I can be more attractive on the dating market. I want to do more things that make me proud of myself.

I fell back to sleep last night after doing some whispered ahhs. I must remember to do them when I can’t sleep.

I think my primary reaction to ****’s infidelity was disgust. As each day passes, her hold on me lessens… I suspect she is not out there filling herself up with cock.

**** had someone who loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, even though she was angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed. She threw it away for nothing. No matter how successful **** is at work, she loses value in the marriage marketplace with each passing year. She won’t be cute forever. With each passing year, I only gain value. I can still date and marry a 20-year old. I was willing to stand by **** but only if I was the most important thing in her life. There are so many women out there.

It’s curious to watch the decline and fall of >>>> and her ecstasy in…. She’s well-suited to me. I might still be around when she comes to her senses.

I will how long it will be before I need another $200 appointment with physical therapist Lyn Paul Taylor. I need to go to Kaiser for my right knee. It’s been bad for seven years. I need to get a dental check-up. Perhaps my podiatrist too.

It’s hard to get ahead of the curve and reduce my debts. How long will it be before I get my own TV show or a major writing gig?

Remember that 29yo woman at the radio station? The first woman who showed me her breasts? I was just 19. Remember how she gave erotic photos of herself to her husband? What guy would want his wife posing erotically for another guy?

Few men will find erotic photos of their spouse. Dressing up sexy for their man? Most of the time the guy will appreciate it, but just as often he’ll go along with it so his woman can feel like she’s this great erotic object for him.

The greatest delusion women seem to have in their relationships is their erotic hold over their man. For some men, their woman hooking up with another woman is a demonstration of her erotic worth and the acquisition of an erotic trick. For most men it will feel like betrayal. What keeps a man faithful is not primarily his woman’s erotic hold over him, but the hassle and expense of cheating, and his self-image of himself as a monogamous person and his love for his woman, and his allegiance to a value-system.

I’ve watched two seasons of The Tudors, watching Anne Boleyn’s desperate struggle to save her head by keeping an erotic hold over the king. She loses.

I’ve had them all. I’ve eaten deeply of the forbidden fruit.

July 29. I knocked out a bunch of cool blog posts last night and sprinkled three of my videos around the web.

I almost got hit by a car crossing Robertson Blvd at Pickford last night. I wonder what I need to do to reduce my chances of getting hit by a car. I’ve had a lot of close calls. I’m going to treat this as a wake-up call and become even more careful crossing streets and driving. God damn! I saw my life ending last night. No wonder I could not sleep. I wonder what are the other areas of my life where I need to be more careful. A bunch. The obvious answer is in my writing.

I want to assure myself that I am on the right path. How do I know that I am on the right path? No relationships have ended. (I ended it with ****.) My bank account is growing. My CC debt is steady. I look good. I’m healthy. It’s been months since I’ve been sick. I’m reading lots of books. I’m making new friends. I’m not having those frightening highs and lows of life before lithium. I never go to that place where I feel like my life is hopeless. I never go to that place where I feel like there are no consequences for my actions.

I yearn for the deep sense of well-being that comes from having a beautiful woman in my bed. Would I allow **** to crawl back in there? Maybe. I wish I did not think about **** so much. My head says she’s bad for me but my **** wants to be ****** of her.

What advice would I give to someone in my position? Get busy! Meet new women. You can’t obsess about two things simultaneously.

**** does not have a value-system. She just does what she likes.

July 30. 2009. Why is my heart vibrating? What’s that about?

I’m getting zero touch in my life now. That sucks. I bet **** is getting a lot of touch. At least I have my blog.

JewishJournal.com is the least friendly newspaper in the world for the mobile phone. Stories take forever to load. By contrast, Lukeford.net is a warm inviting place for a PDA.

*** got through the Beit Din quicker than me. They took it easy on her. They’re not taking it easy on me. I had no enthusiasm for yoga last night. There aren’t a lot things you can do on vacation when you have no money. **** said my life was a mess. I want to reject that, but on what basis is my life impressive?

A vibrating heart makes me think about my legacy. What have I left behind?

July 31. Let me moon over ****. Baawaa. Remember how I used to moon over ******** to Cathy Seipp and how unbearable that was for Cathy. My relationship with **** is similar to the one I had with *******. Great ***. There’s still a powerful ****** charge. ******* and I broke up six times in one year, sometimes for as long as a month or two. If **** and I were physically together, we’d start ****ing. A big difference between the two is that ******* never cheated on me. ******* was younger and hotter. Remember when I asked Jefff* if he thought —— was cute and he said, "She looks healthy!" Hah! He said she was a bitch. How right he was.

Last night I was holding forth and that hot blonde chick was mesmerized.

I’m looking at busty Leslie behind the counter… Yum.

I’m surprised **** hasn’t come back to me.

I’m sitting on a goldmine. I can do better than ____, ____, ____. I need to keep up some quality control on my ____. Remember the ______ disaster.

I want to put in some serious time on my Torah learning today.

I am struck by the many parallels between Kenneth Tynan and myself. He asked all these leading writers to send him their favorite masturbatory fantasies. Surprisingly, few replied. His wife hated his porno adventures. She thought it turned their relationship into a joke.

I should email various leaders of the Jewish community and ask them for their favorite fantasies. Package it up as a religious tome. Print the best responses. I could probably get away with asking Rob Eshman for his favorite fantasies.

She was so pulled down last night. So stuck on her story. Not a spare minute. Using picker-uppers because of her poor use. Blaming her pain on her operation.

August 3. The primary reason I am obsessing over the loss of **** is that the normal things I obsess over — survival, money, health, social, career, safety — are all under control. That gives me room to moon.

There can be lots of distasteful side-effects to sex once your erection goes down. It is so easy to despise the person you just boinked. It might be her smell, her flab, her manners, her personality, soul, low social status, etc. I did not feel any of this with ****. She was rare.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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