The Power Of A Public Declaration

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

I was thinking about sneaking back to porn this weekend to earn a quick quid interviewing a few hookers in Vegas but just as I was sighing with relief and counting the money and the handjobs, I remembered my public declaration of Oct. 23.

As Wikipedia puts it: "On October 23, 2007, Ford announced he had sold lukeisback.com and its contents for an undisclosed sum to an undisclosed party.[8] "Any writing I do on the porn industry from now on will be for publications with no porn advertising," Ford said. All entries since the sale have been by the site’s new owners."

I’ve invested too much in going in a new direction. I’d lose what remains of my self-esteem if I betrayed myself.

But then again, maybe it would not be my true self that would be writing on porn. It would be Amalek. I’m a Jew. I can always blame Amalek!

Posted in Personal | Comments Off on The Power Of A Public Declaration

Nick Hornby Is Back

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

I thought Nick Hornby was losing his touch with "When She Was Good," but in his latest novel, "On The Way Down," Hornby’s once again hilarious.

Hornby has a blog.

He writes Nov. 20, 2007:

On my recent book tour in the US, I became aware of two American celebrities I’d never heard of before. One was the brilliant satirist Stephen Colbert, whose book ‘I Am America (And So Can You)’ is a huge bestseller; the other was Joel Osteen, pastor of the Lakewood super-church, where forty-seven thousand people worship on a weekly basis. (Lakewood wasn’t always a church. It used to be the home of the Houston Rockets basketball team.) Osteen’s book ‘Become A Better You’ was everywhere – the first print run was three million – and Osteen seemed to be promoting it every time I turned on the TV.
 It is, perhaps, unfair to come to the conclusion that there is some kind of cultural civil war going on in the US, using only the bestseller lists as evidence. Katie Price and Ian McEwan, who both sell lots of books in the UK, would probably struggle to find common ground at a dinner party, although my feeling is  that they might not actually come to blows, and that Katie would respect McEwan’s work, especially the bits that involve Keira Knightley. It’s difficult to see how Colbert and Osteen co-exist, however. Colbert’s politics can be deduced from his astonishing, and buttock-clenchingly brave, speech at the White House Correspondents’ dinner last year.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa-4E8ZDj9s

Joel Osteen is a socially conservative, pro-life Southern evangelist, so it seems unlikely that he’ll  be out campaigning for Hillary Clinton. Surely sooner or later the followers of these two media personalities are going to have to divvy up the country? I hope the liberals get to keep California.
 
 I saw one woman buy the Osteen book, at Bush International Airport in Houston. She was sobbing. She ran into the airport bookstall, tears rolling down her face, and went straight to the hardback bestsellers pile. My guess is that she’d just been dumped, somewhere between gates 15-17, and there’s an awful warning to feckless American men here. Dump your girlfriends or wives and they will turn evangelical, and possibly start World War Three. Whatever the  problems in your relationship are, put up with them.

 Tom Perrotta, the author of Little Children and Election, has written a very good novel about liberalism versus Christianity entitled ‘The Abstinence Teacher’. It’s funny and convincing and timely, and anyone who is mystified by the state of the States should read it when it’s published here next year. You won’t find any answers, because there aren’t any. But  you might end up  understanding a little more.

From Wikipedia:

Nick Hornby (born 17 April 1957 in Redhill, Surrey, England) is an English novelist and essayist. He is best known for the novels High Fidelity, About a Boy and the football memoir Fever Pitch. In his work he frequently touches upon sports, music, and the aimless and obsessive personalities of his main characters.

…The novel How to Be Good was published in 2001. The female protagonist in the novel explores contemporary morals, marriage and parenthood. It won the WH Smith Award for Fiction in 2002. A part of the money he earned with his next book Speaking with the Angel in 2002 was donated to TreeHouse, a charity for autistic children. He was editor of the book, which contained twelve short stories written by his friends. He also contributed to the collection with the story "NippleJesus."[1] In 2003 Hornby wrote a collection of essays on selected popular songs and the emotional resonance they carry, called Songbook (known in the UK as 31 Songs). Also in 2003, Hornby was awarded the London Award 2003, an award that was selected by fellow writers.[2]

Hornby has also written essays on various aspects of popular culture, and in particular he has become known for his writing on pop music and mix tape enthusiasts. He also began writing a book review column, "Stuff I’ve Been Reading," for the monthly magazine The Believer; several of these articles are collected in The Polysyllabic Spree (2004) and Housekeeping vs. The Dirt (2006).

Hornby’s novel A Long Way Down was published in 2005. It was on the shortlist for the Whitbread Novel Award. Hornby has also edited two sports-related anthologies: My Favourite Year and The Picador Book of Sports Writing.

Hornby’s newest book, entitled Slam, was released on October 16, 2007, and is his first novel for young adults. The protagonist of Slam is a 15-year-old skateboarder named Sam whose life changes drastically when his girlfriend gets pregnant.

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Screw The Jews In Cuba!

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

I ask a friend what’s new.

He says he may visit his girlfriend in Cuba in a few weeks. "Then [I] will turn to one of my abandoned manuscripts, either Jews in Cuba or Internet Dating."

I say, Screw the Jews in Cuba! Give me the book on internet dating.

Posted in Dating | Comments Off on Screw The Jews In Cuba!

SanJoseCondos.Blogspot.Com Will Be My Salvation

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

You snooze, you lose. I am now the proud owner of this valuable domain. "San Jose Condos" has a KEI (Keyword Effectiveness Index) of 4,337.3 though only a top bid of $4.31 on Google Adsense.

There were 1,800 searches for this term last month.

You can start emailing in your applications now to be my apprentice.

If SanJoseCondos.bogspot.com doesn’t deliver me, maybe CheapHotelsNews.blogspot.com will. Else I’m headed for ForestLawn.blogspot.com.

San Jose Fred emails: "Sir, I commend you.  You have aced me out on this valuable property.  What do you plan to do for content?"

Umm. Cut and paste?

Lewisafein: my son
Lewisafein: hows the blogging going
Lewisafein: whatever happened to that place where you interviewed?
Lewisafein: will you get a part-time job?
Luzdedos1: nada
Luzdedos1: i will blog till i drop
Lewisafein: till next friday?
Lewisafein: u have money for rent and food?
Luzdedos1: yeah, i have credit cards, i’m gonna learn this damn online business
Lewisafein: learn this damn online business? this ain’t compuserve
Luzdedos1: I just feel unbelievably awkward. I’m not used to trying to monetize etc.
Lewisafein: see: the orthodox ain’t helping you
Lewisafein: go reform
Lewisafein: blog about jamie juggs and make money
Lewisafein: orthodox sex scandals and cheap airline tickets will only blog your way to forest lawn
Lewisafein: rabbi beardstein doesn’t care if you starve
Lewisafein: are you at least exercising?
Luzdedos1: a lil walking
Lewisafein: an intervention may be in order
Luzdedos1: I don’t have enough friends to intervene
Lewisafein: i can bring stuffed animals as proxies
Lewisafein: mr. wiggles is worried about you, luke
Lewisafein: so basically, we’re witnessing the unfolding of "luke: the final chapter"
Lewisafein: will rabbi beardstein go on camera?
Lewisafein: I tried to help him, but the Talmud says: to look upon a naked calf is blasphemy. and luke, er levi, looked upon so very many naked calves (and breasts and vaginas). the gates of charity are closed

Posted in Blogging | Comments Off on SanJoseCondos.Blogspot.Com Will Be My Salvation

Making It

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

Reb Hymen writes Luke:

I must admit to being of two minds on your recent attempt to monetize your web site (which is what we AARP folk call blogs).  On the one hand, it increasingly looks like a mess, a mass of mostly undifferentiated links that are not likely to result in sales for your sponsors.  On the other hand, who cares about them?  Does this actually work for you?

You have more to monetize than your blog, as my experiences in New York have proven.  I’m sure you’ve wondered how I’ve managed to support myself here.  The simple answer hasn’t been via some website nareshkeit or shady hokus-pokus, but just some pokus – escort work.  As you know, I’m now many decades past my prime (or what would have been my prime if I’d ever had one), and I’m about 150 pounds too heavy.  My wardrobe is very dated and what little hair I have is now white, but you know what?  None of that matters. The idea came to me while watching a DVD of "The Producers", in which the character played by Zero Mostel (like me, an old red) romances old ladies to raise money for his new theatre production.  That’s what I do, only without the production.  I offer my services to the 65-and-up woman (that’s the new 40, by the way) who may find herself in need of male companionship of one sort or another every now and then.  Sometimes cuddling is involved, and they seldom want more than that.  Anyway, who can’t use a good cuddle every now and then?

I have been doing this for several years and have been taking careful notes on what works and what does not.  I’m ready to share my experiences and am searching for a publisher who would be interested in helping me disseminate my hard-won knowledge to others.  Do you perchance have any friends in publishing who would be interested in such a work? 

Whether you do or do not, I think that being a FancyMan might be the ticket out of poverty for you.  LA has lots of former alpha-women of a certain age who are past their divorce and have all the money in the world, but no man with whom to enjoy it.  You could be that man Luke, and be living a good life, with lots of free time left over for studying the Talmud.

Posted in Dating | Comments Off on Making It

Left-Wing Tendencies In Canada/Europe

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

Fred emails:

I had an epiphany this year.

For the last 90 years, the U.S. has been protecting Europe from the consequences of its endless folly. This started in 1917 when the U.S. (for reasons I don’t comprehend) entered the First World War and prevented France, Belgium Italy and Britain from being steam-rollered by Germany and its allies.

It happened again in 1941 when the U.S. entered the Second World War, prevented Britain from being steam-rollered by Germany, and reversed the conquest of France, Belgium Luxembourg, Holland, Denmark, Norway and Greece.

From 1945 to the late 1980s the U.S. prevented Western Europe from being steam-rollered by Stalin and his successors.

Because of this, Europe has not had to attend to its defense for well more than half a century. Europe has essentially pulled the plug on its own military. They have taken no responsibility for security in this world–not in Rwanda, Sudan, Kosovo, Somalia, anywhere. At most, they toss in a symbolic presence in Bosnia, but it’s not more than that. Their support for the U.S. in Afghanistan barely rises to the level of anemic.

Since defense is a giant freebee for them, and they don’t have to maintain a military, they grow contemptuous of anything military.

Canada’s left wing drift is similar. The theory behind Canadian demilitarization is that there is no military problem they could face that would not draw us into the fray. Therefore, they spend the absolute minimum on their military.

People do not appreciate things that are free. It is easy to have contempt for the military when your security is a freebie. Europeans do not have any appreciation for the things that military personnel must face and do.

It is for this reason that I am now convinced that NATO should be terminated. The U.S. should be extremely selective about who its allies are.

Because of Geography, we have no choise but to indulge Canada’s neglect of defense. This is not true for anyone else.

By shouldering responsibility for security of Europe, we subsidies its left wing tendencies. That should end.

Posted in Politics | Comments Off on Left-Wing Tendencies In Canada/Europe

I live a life of loud desperation

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

Here are my new blogs:

 

One thing is now clear. I’m not making any money going to these stupid B-list events in the evenings and taking horrible photos and surrounding them with awkwards ads.

I don’t have an entrepreneurial bone in my body. This is all very awkward for me. I want to just write and to know I’ve got at least $500 a week coming in.

I feel like I am running in a circle.

In 1995, I realized that my odds of making it as a working actor were tiny. I subscribed to all these make-money-through-mail-order programs and gorged on the self-help teachings of such gurus as Tony Robbins.

Jay Abraham seemed like the best of the mail-order teachers but I never made any money. I only lost money. I spent my last remaining dollars and then realized I needed to write a book and I should support myself through temp work until my ship came in.

Twelve years later, I’m reading endless reports on how to make money online. I’m studying Jay Abraham again.

I am so desperate that I listened for 75 minutes this afternoon to a "webinar" on "How to Make 2008 Great with Real-World Action Steps and Techniques."

Most of it was a critique of "The Secret." We were given these visualization exercises for picturing the type of life we want.

I hate that stuff. That’s not me. I’m a hardbitten cynical reporter. The only things I visualize are things that are against the Torah.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well, at least I built ten websites on blogger today and stuck three Google Adsense templates on each of them.

I hate this! This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I should be able to write about my feelings and have the money flow in. I should simply paint my exquisite soul and have women swoon over my blog. I should send in RSVPs for film premieres and get back grateful replies. Instead I get silence.

I scream into the void. I stop. I listen. I hear nothing.

Helllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo!

Wait, I hear you. I hear voices in my head. I see dead people…

I am getting some feedback. Thank you for the tips on making money online and letting me know what I’m doing right and wrong.

I’m not the type of chap who has good judgment. I suspect I’m doing things right and wrong but I only truly know this when I receive feedback from people I respect and that feedback pings with a tiny chord of common sense buried deep beneath my narcissism.

Posted in Blogging | Comments Off on I live a life of loud desperation

Liberal Fascism

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

Allen Estrin writes Dennis Prager’s blog:

The state will control the temperature of your house and office? This is flying under the radar right now. Hopefully, not for long.

Dennis was at CES. So was David Pogue of the New York Times. Here are his impressions.

Dennis talks to Jonah Goldberg, columnist for the Los Angeles Times and contributing editor to National Review. His latest book is Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning.

Boy Scouts give merit badge for dealing with bullies. All sounds a little passive and touchy-feely to me.  How about the obvious suggestion?  Punch him in the face.

Fascinating take on Obama and Iraq from a Democrat at the Brookings Institution.

Posted in Dennis Prager | Comments Off on Liberal Fascism

Britney Moving To Colorado

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

Penny Parker writes for the Rocky Mountain News:

Blogs were a-buzzin’ Friday after a report saying that troubled pop star Britney Spears and boyfriend/real estate mogul John Sundahl were buying a home in Denver’s tony Cherry Creek North.

The original story said that Sundahl, an L.A.-based owner of a real estate development company and an aviation firm, plunked down $2.2 mil for a home he hopes to share with Spears. But some gossip bloggers pooh-poohed the story, and several high-profile real estate sources I contacted could not confirm the alleged transaction.

The story also said that Spears would be checking into the Harmony Foundation, an Estes Park rehab center. But that would be up to an L.A. County judge who would have to give the out-of-control star permission to leave California where her troubles continue mounting.

Internet gossip guru Perez Hilton told his cyberspace readers to file the story that Spears would move to Colorado and check into rehab "under probably not true . . . Rehab would do Britney good, but we have a feeling this report is a bunch of BS, unfortunately," Hilton said.

While not dismissing the validity of the story altogether, radaronline.com poked fun at Hilton’s choice of rehab in our state.

Posted in Hollywood | Comments Off on Britney Moving To Colorado

Going Topless

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Luke Ford

Greg Gutfeld writes:

While the American public stupidly focused on the New Hampshire primaries, another, more important election was going on. Following a campaign by feminists, women can now bathe topless in a swimming pool in northern Sweden. Now, I’ve never been much of a feminist – I only burned my bra once, and that was because of lice. But this is one of those miraculous occasions where the needs of feminists, lesbians and peepers like myself collide – making this the kind of equal rights I can get behind, even if it means crouching behind a bush holding binoculars.

But this mammary victory illustrates a greater point – that most feminism is a ruse pulled on women by men who simply want to see more of them naked and have sex without commitment. We also want the option of staying home watching DVDs while she goes off to work, probably in a suit with large shoulder pads. The fact is, the women’s movement – which allowed for women to have sex as often as their horny male counterparts – helped guys more. And for smart men – marching alongside feminists guaranteed sex. The only downside is it was with women who look like Amy Carter.

But that’s Sweden. And it’s time for our feminists to tackle the same problem here, and take to the public pools and water theme parks and demand their right to go full frontal. Swimsuits are male oppression, women, and if you believe in equal rights – then dammit – you should show it by stripping off right now. And possibly take a photo and send it to me. I will do my best to further the cause by showing them to my friends.

Posted in Feminism | Comments Off on Going Topless