Luke Ford | No sacred cows.

Luke Ford’s Guide To Synagoge Etiquette

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

Last night I felt compelled to rise from my sickbed and rant into the void about shul etiquette. Due to the importance of the topic, I’ve decided to make these videos available to shuls around the world to educate Jews on proper synagogue behavior. For instance, it is not appropriate to chew gum in shul on Shabbos.

I’ve learned a lot during my 15 years in Jewish life. Here are some commonsensical dos and donts that if followed will guarantee you maftir (unless you bleed or you’re a shiksa or shaygetz) and a place in the world to come:

* Do not have sex on top of Torah scrolls.

* Do not have sex in the synagogue parking lot, even if you’re in your car.

* Do not lug your laptop into shul on Shabbos.

* Shabbos morning, try to arrive in shul before the sh’ma. Don’t let musaf be the first thing you hear when you get to shul.

* Turn off your cell phone.

* Don’t write in shul on Shabbos.

* Don’t come to shul on Shabbos in jeans or casual clothing. Women, cover your feet. I find it distracting when I am trying to get closer to God and I look over the mehitza and I see a woman’s bare feet.

* Don’t interrupt the speaker with your brilliant insights into the Torah portion.

* If the speaker asks you to turn off your tape recorder, turn it off.

* Do not try to borrow money from Dennis Prager on Shabbos.

* Do not hand out copies of your porn movie. I remember one learned Jew responding to me in the Spring of 1996 after I lent him a copy of my epic What Women Want: "In New York when I go to shul, they give me a tallis. In LA, they give me a porno."

* Do not take your E.D. medication prior to coming to shul or before operating heavy machinery.

* Alana Newhouse – the Queen of Jewish Culture.

* Westwood Kehilla

* Pinto Torah Center

* Sinai Temple

* Wilshire Boulevard Temple

* Young Israel of Century City

Posted in Personal, Synagogue | Comments Off

STAR OF FIRST SHOW FOR KIDS IN GAY AND LESBIAN FAMILIES SETS SAIL ON ROSIE CRUISE

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

According to the press release: "“Dottie” of Dottie’s Magic Pockets to Appear on R Family Vacations Spring Cruise LOS ANGELES, December 5, 2007 – Production company Pink Pea announced that the star of Dottie’s Magic Pockets – the first children’s program for kids in gay and lesbian families – will appear on the R Family Vacations Cruise to the Mexican Riviera, March 15-22, 2008."

How come there’s no TV show for Orthodox Jewish kids in gay and lesbian families?

From DottiesMagicPockets.com:

Dottie is a wacky and playful woman whose house seems suddenly empty when her partner, May, leaves to take their son, Ollie, for his first day of school. To cheer up his mom, Ollie gives her a gift: a sweater with huge, dotted pockets.
When Dottie reaches into the sweater’s pockets, she pulls out handfuls of magic glitter! She sprinkles the glitter around and — voila! — her living room is transformed into a zany funhouse filled with a gaggle of new friends to keep her company during the day, including: James the Flower, Randal the Beaver, Motilda the Mouse, Uncanny the Singing Can, and Wally the Wall.
Excitable, sweet, and silly, Dottie is also a patient and devoted mom and friend who enjoys playing with her magical playmates as she helps them solve their problems.

Is this show as great as it sounds?

Here are some of my favorite videos.

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Treat Sleep Apnea with a Didgeridoo

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

Given the number of pharmaceutical medications I’m on, I have the most horrendous breath. I’m getting desperate for cures.

AOL suggests:

Duct tape has hundreds of uses, but apparently researchers at Hebrew University Hadassah School of Dental Medicine felt that fixing a malodorous mouth shouldn’t be one of them. So they experimented with other, less restrictive ways to stop the stench, including shining some light on the problem. In a study reported in the Journal of Medical Microbiology, the scientists exposed saliva samples to various wavelengths of light and then conducted a sniff test. The winner: blue light–by a nose.
"It induces the production of oxygen radicals, which are harmful to anaerobic bacteria, the producers of bad breath," says study author Nir Sterer, D.M.D., Ph.D.
Treat Sleep Apnea with a Didgeridoo
"A didgeri-what?" you ask. While aborigines in Australia have been playing this long wooden trumpet for centuries, it’s just recently been redefined as a modern-day medical device. Researchers reporting in the British Medical Journal evaluated 25 people with sleep apnea–a breath-stealing condition caused by flabby throat muscles–and found that those who took 4 months of didgeridoo (DIH-jeh-ree-doo) lessons had about 31/2 times less daytime sleepiness than the folks who didn’t blow their own horns. The newly minted musicians also snored significantly less. Credit this uncommon cure to vibrations that exercise tissue in the mouth and throat, says researcher Milo Puhan, Ph.D. "When these muscles are strengthened, the tongue has less tendency to obstruct the airway."
Make it work for you: If huffing on a wooden tube to treat your sleep apnea sounds a tad too weird, then you probably aren’t familiar with the alternatives. The most commonly prescribed option is continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP), which involves spending every night hooked up to a machine that pumps air down your throat to keep it from collapsing. The other approach is surgery, and that’s only 30 to 60 percent effective. Now are you ready to toot the didgeridoo? You can pick up a beginner-friendly model for about $80 at L.A. Outback (laoutback.com). And don’t worry; it’s intuitive to learn, says co-owner Barry Martin. You purse your lips and blow into it with the beat.

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Hit Me Baby One More Time

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

Eric Longabardi writes on ERSNews.com:

Spears may have just lost custody of her two young children in a bitter custody dispute with her former husband Kevin Federline. That is a story that not many are really interested in says editor Shelby Grad of the Los Angeles Times. "We wouldn’t have put three reporters on a story just about her custody case — which is sad, but similar to hundreds of others? What made this especially newsworthy is the role of the paparazzi in L.A. — it’s big business here and it affects people; if you live in L.A., you see it."
That may be true in one sense, but what is it about the Spears saga that makes her case more compelling, more interesting to readers of the LA Times?. I have an idea but the LA Times editor just won’t come clean and admit it: it’s called "selling papers". He should talk to Adnan Ghalib for some "media product" marketing pointers. A story in the LA Times about a bitter custody dispute involving a formerly married couple of an accountant and a bus driver who lived in Santa Monica, just wouldn’t have the same sales appeal. LA Times editors know that, but they’re not being honest about it. Britney Spears gets coverage because she sells papers, and moves the product as the purveyors of media outlets, as well as paparazzi and even used car salesman like to say.
The Times, Los Angeles’s major newspaper had to defend itself from an onslaught of criticism from its readers when it assigned three reporters to the Spears saga when the pop singer ended up having the police called to her home in a custody dispute with her former husband. The rest you can read about on TMZ.com, the real paper of record when it comes to chronicling the every move of celebrities and would-be celebrities.
But the LA Times was not alone, even the Associated Press got into the act when a memo from one of its west coast editors was leaked to the media website "Romenesko" showing the AP also needed to be all over the story. See the AP memo here…
Enter paparazzo Adnan Ghalib: he and Spears have been (if you believe what TMZ says … which ERS does not most of the time) have been an "item" for sometime. The pop starlet somehow falling for one of the very horde of photographers that chase and stalks her every move. Adnan. it seems, is a man with a good business plan. He becomes Britney’s new "boyfriend" and low and behold he seems to come up with "exclusive" photos of the couple, wherever they go. Ghalib, has his own "media outlet." He works with, Finalpixx, (http://finalpixxceleb.com/) an LA based paparazzi photo agency. His photo agency is getting a lot of attention these days since he started dating (or whatever he is doing) Britany Spears. On the Finalpixx website, rumors and claims and denials about the paparazzo’s relationship with Spears are all the rage…
It all sounds a bit much in our book. But at least paparazzo Ghalib is clear, he’s going to make some money on all this and this is America so why not; at least he’s honest about it! Now maybe the AP, LA Times, TMZ (well they admit what they do, and don’t apologize for it (most of the time) and the rest of the “mainstream” press should just go take a shower and stop acting like Spears is some sort of "news" story: she’s not, she’s a "news product."

Posted in Britney Spears | Comments Off

IT IS LIKE BUYING PICTURES OF THE MILK WHEN YOU CAN GET PICTURES OF THE COW FOR FREE

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

TMZ reports:

The photo agency that employs Britney’s creepy BFF is denying reports that they are shopping around nude pics of Britney Spears. But we’ve learned they most certainly are. Pants on fire!!
TMZ has confirmed that the semi-nude pics of Brit Brit have been shopped around to various weeklies. One source says a major U.S. weekly was pitched the photos this week, but passed.
Another mag source tells TMZ the photos were pitched to them for five figures, but they passed because "the photos weren’t any good."
Now X17 reports the only takers are an Aussie magazine — and they paid a paltry $57 grand.

Greg Gutfeld says:

Common consensus is that Britney Spears is nearly as sharp as a bag of hammers. I will argue that she is crazy like a fox. Fox as in clever, not attractive. Though run down pop stars might be your thing.
If Britney wants to live a wildly out of control life sans scrutiny despite continual attention… Then why shouldn’t she make sure the paparazzi market is flooded with pictures of her junk? Anything that can be shown now, the world saw a year ago.
Not much has, likely, changed beyond some hygiene and grooming choices.
Nobody cares.
Anything Britney does now, gets little more than a "tsk tsk" from society.
The truth is, nude pictures of her being rejected by magazine publishers is bigger news than the pictures themselves. This would not have been the case even five years ago.
Britney has found freedom most of us could not comprehend.
And by freedom, I mean indifference.
…Like me, many other celebrities have serious and sometimes tragic illnesses, and I feel bad for them. But I hate the other stars who turn lighter illnesses into fetishes, and can’t stop talking about it. You’re already rich and famous – do you really need the public to identify with your restless leg syndrome?
I’m not knocking people when they’re down. But I’m tired of hearing about how Cameron Diaz’s obsessive compulsive disorder means she can only use spotless 100 dollar bills when buying a Fendi bag for her dog. I’m sure David Beckam’s OCD is troubling – but when you’re worth hundreds of millions, you can buy a new toilet for every flush. And as for Paris Hilton saying she has attention deficit disorder – that’s a like a snake pointing out that its an amputee. You can’t remove something that was never there to begin with.
What bugs me more is how "nondiseasey" these diseases are. Remember "chronic fatigue?" It’s been replaced with carpal tunnel. And how many more celebrities are going to tell us how they were "ostracized" due to their undiagnosed dyslexia – which translates into, "I’m blond and stupid – and was the same as a child." Celebrity diseases are right up there with modern art for American mass delusions.Once someone calls BS on them, they’re discarded like old copies of My Big Backyard. Now they’re saying Britney Spears is "bi-polar." Years ago, she would have just been, "selfish." And at some point in the (not too distant) future, she will be, "dead."
So if you’re sick, I’m not asking you to suffer silently – I just don’t need you to go on talk shows and tell me how you cope with your irrititable bowel syndrome. My own bowels are bad enough. So keep it to yourself. Unless of you’re willing to share the drugs.

From Breitbart.com:

NORRISTOWN, Pa. (AP) – A western Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow’s head to his wife’s lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.
Jason Michael Fife "understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow’s head to anybody," said his defense lawyer, Henry Hilles.
"My client did step over the line here, but one can certainly understand his frustration, given that the victim was carrying on an affair with my client’s wife," Hilles said.
Authorities in Lower Pottsgrove arrested Fife and charged him with stalking, terroristic threats, disorderly conduct and harassment after he allegedly sent threatening messages and pictures to the victim between May and September 2006.

Greg Gutfeld says: If a man in a civilized society can not mail a bloody cow’s head to the man who is sleeping with his wife? What kind of society do we live in? Have we become so soft?

Anyways, its an alls well that ends well story so long as you do not take the cow into consideration.

Posted in Greg Gutfeld | Comments Off

There Won’t Be Blood

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

Rob Eshman writes in the Jewish Journal:

Bill Clinton, Ann Coulter, James Carville — over the years American Jewish University’s top-notch lecture series has hosted plenty of people who have infuriated plenty of people.
But evidently, when it comes to being infuriating, Karl Rove is in a class unto himself.
How else to explain the barrage of e-mails and phone calls that series organizer Gady Levy received when he announced Rove would be the second speaker in the 2008 season? The thrust of the complaints: How dare Levy give a forum to this man?
Levy was shocked.
"Bottom line, the purpose of the Public Lecture Series is to engage the community in an honest discussion about the issues, which includes both sides of the debate," he explained to me in an e-mail. "I wanted to include Rove specifically because he does not represent the voice of the majority of our community. I felt (and still do) that it is critical for us to gain insight into his perspective on the current administration and the issues of the day."
Both sides of an issue — how dare Levy. Something has happened in the Jewish community, all across the political and religious spectrum, and it isn’t good.
Somehow too many people in the Jewish community have become stuck in a very dangerous place: their comfort zone.
They are loathe to confront and really hear ideas that differ from their own, and they cleave to the company of voices that echo their preconceived ideas and long-formed opinions.

I don’t think this problem is symetrical. James Carville is every bit as much on the Left as Karl Rove is on the Right yet I doubt Republicans flooded the American Jewish University with complaints over Carville’s selection as a speaker.

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Luke Ford’s Commode Side Chats

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

I’ll often toss and turn on my floor late at night and then be driven to my computer to blog.

I hear voices. I see dead people. I make videos.

Here are my classic "It’s 1 a.m. and I can’t sleep" vids from Jan. 6. Video I Video II

JennaTerry comments on YouTube: "GET A LIFE!"

FMG1818 writes: "Have you ever thought about getting a real job like the rest of us? You appear somewhat healthy and intelligent. Why don’t you leave your hovel and join the real world, or is that too scary? Yes, I don’t blame you. It is scary."

King writes on XPT: "Luke really is fascinating in a train wreck kind of way. It’s surreal, really. His bed is on the floor three feet from his toilet. He can reach into his fridge from bed without getting up, but can’t completely open the door because the bed is in the way. Mouth guards, grinding teeth, depression, foot braces, plantar fasciitis, hovels, and that’s not even touching on the whole conversion to Judaism stuff. Some times I swear it’s like a manufactured reality show ploy. The entire situation is too odd to be real."

James says: "Don’t forget chronic fatigue syndrome, lithium, and cialis for banging asian webmistresses."

King writes: "He needs to move to a country with socialized health care. If he did I bet his laundry list of medical ailments would double."

Khunrum emails: "Luke, did you ever think of facing the opposite direction and having your feet face the toilet instead of your head?. Of course then you’d have to look at it instead of smell it. We all know about Franklin Roosevelt’s Fireside Chats. Is this the Luke Ford Commode Side Chats?"

Every so often, my sewage backs up and if I don’t act quickly, it will overflow my hovel. That’s only happened once but it left a lasting impression.

SooperGrizz says: "I couldn’t take it after "I love to be creepy" which is about :02 in."

Freestylah says: "Surreal is the word for this. He babbles away about everything and then some. I’m not very familiar with this man and his work and I think I’ll keep it that way. He has had chronic fatigue syndrome for over 20 years! In God’s name, how are you dealing with this terrible ailment, Mr. Ford? Please, do tell!"

Al Snow writes: "Wow. It’s like Steely Dan wrote "Deacon Blues" just for him."

Fatman says:

James: Is chronic fatigue recognized as an illness? Is it the Epstein-Barr thing? Or is it just a name for a set of symptoms with no known cause?
Just curious as to your opinion.
Aside: I got labeled with this is the mid-90s and tested for variety of things including Lyme disease. Turns out it was just a manifestation of the "depression" side of my bi-polar.

Alexander says: "I watched that video in it’s entirety. it was beautiful in it’s bleakness. You see this man in his private moments blatantly flaunting his flaws. A masterpiece."

CaptMcClusky writes:

I could only make it through two minutes. Those choppers….is this where Quentin Tarantino got the title Gindhouse?
And how do we know this is the real Luke, and not the fake Luke? Maybe he is wearing a Luke mask and does an amazing aussie accent.
Or maybe that’s the real Luke and he never sold his website and is waiting for a hedge fund to buy him out so he can upgrade to [a] rent controlled apartment on Virgil and Fountain?

Handful writes: "I agree with Grizz, although I made it to about twenty seconds. That is definitely one of the creepiest vids I’ve ever seen. What a strange existence."

Now that’s done, I want to be like Bob Dole and make my own erectile dysfunction video. I just don’t know what to say. Could somebody email me a script?

Khunrum emails:

I’m reminded of the old joke. The Goyisha wife tells her husband to buy Viagra. The Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer.
Luke, can you get funding from the Levitra people?
Here’s the outline: Famous porn journalist cannot rise to the occasion even though he is surrounded by attractive, willing trollops. He swallows a tab of Levitra, throws off the leg braces (careful not to trip over the toilet bowl), removes the mouth guard and begins to rut like a horny weasel…
The script may need some polishing…

If you watch this and get an erection that lasts longer than four hours, call my gay friend Billy (not my friend Billie) and let him take a look.

Chaim Amalek emails: "This calls for testimonials from the women in your life, the true beneficiaries of this miracle drug. There’s Holly and . . . . . ?"

Fred emails: "I also liked it. It’s important that the video come from a moral leader. That way, the viewer knows that the advice he is getting is ethical. A good follow-up commentary is this: If you know that you can’t finish the bottle by March 2008, a) is it ethical to use the pills thereafter; and b) is it ethical to split a bottle with a friend so that the pills don’t go to waste? Ethical minds want to know!"

Helpful emails: "I would reshoot it with Luke wearing a yarmulke, prayer shawl, and t’fillin with a back drop of the Israeli flag. Represent, Luke! Represent!"

Posted in Personal | Comments Off

John Edwards Love Child Scandal

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

From Page Six: "WHICH political candidate showed extreme bad judgment in the woman he picked to have an extramarital affair with? The New Age hippie, who friends say "mooches off other people and sleeps on their couches because she doesn’t believe in money," tells anyone who will listen about her fling with the good-looking guy. She recently walked up to a Page Six pal she’d just met and said, "Oh, I’m so stressed out. I’ve been having an affair with [a candidate]."

Posted in Adultery, Politics | Comments Off

An Open Letter To Mogen David’s New Rabbi

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

It seems some people have some strong opinions about Mogen David’s leader Rabbi Gabe Elias.

Here one I’ve heard:

Dear Rabbi Williams:
Allow me to extend you my sympathy. I know it is not your fault but you have made a BIG mistake. This is not good employment for a nice Jewish Rabbi. Ask Rabbi Kelemer, Rabbi Muskat and ANYONE who worked with Gabe Elias. Shul presidents, administrators, teachers and parents. They could all be lying?
Here is some advice:
1. Do Not, I emphasize: DO NOT fall for his trap when he promises that that you’ll become great Chaverim, Brothers etc. It’s a ploy, so you don’t know he is working behind your back.
2. Don’t initiate any good programs – so the community will love you and respect you. He’ll envy your talent and steal the credit that is due to you.
3. Watch out from the board. They are all his stooges. They are mentally frail and old but will turn on you in a second. He promised them things, (Kaddish, Bring their grandchildren back to the fold. Bla Bla Bla…)
4. Warning:
* Gabe Ellias uses slick Sh’mate salesman techniques. He worked there prior to Mogen David.
* The man is a master manipulator.
* He claims to have a S’micha (rabbinic ordination). No one has ever seen it. Some little Sh’matkale is hanging on the wall behind him… too far to read, blocked by a large desk. These accusations are on going or a long time. He claims to have studied at Telze but it was for a short stay and there is no evidence of a S’micha. Adraba, In order to put these rumors to rest, let him take the "Smicha" off the wall and allow reliable people to examine it. (Notice I specified: Reliable people.)
* Did I mention fraud? His method of operation is always the same: First act like a nice guy. After everyone thinks so, takes over. He did this in Elitzur (Sport camp). Took over, just added his name to it and became: A Baal_Camp. His next endeavor is Mogen David. He came in as a part – time Hebrew school principal. (By the way, his brother does the same shtick) Within a short time he made friends with the board and quick as lightning strikes the existing leadership is out one-by-one.
5. Motivation: Power: It’s also nice to have a paying job (He looked like a shleper before…) IRS tax deductions: Claims to be a Rabbi and owner of a nonprofit organization: Elitzur.
But that is small money. There is more. He DOES NOT WANT THE SHUL TO thrive because the large endowment in the bank is worth millions of dollars. In addition to the property and the building. They are worth a lot. Just consider the location and how close it is to Beverly Hills & Century City.
Why would he want to split this POT OF GOLD? He is waiting patiently for the old members to die out. Nobody has a clue about this plan. It would be nice if someone informed them. He in the meanwhile keeps them on life support so it look like a synagogue. When anyone raises a questions regarding the empty shul and why are all the other synagogues in the area bursting at the seams? He offers to hire a new assistant rabbi for a while.
This is TRULY an amazing story that movies are made of. What’s left but to pass the popcorn and watch and see if he will get away with it. Only G-d or the IRS have the answers.
Best wishes,
Someone who Knows.

Posted in Mogen David | Comments Off

XXX-Communicated Shunned Again

Posted on January 11, 2008 by Luke Ford

Here’s the press release from Ari Goldman‘s wife Shira Dicker:

New York, NY. January 9, 2008 – With winners in twenty categories hailing from six countries this year, the 57th Annual National Jewish Book Awards takes on an international flavor. And with Israel’s 60th anniversary on the horizon, it seems only fitting that a quarter of the 2007 awards will go to Israeli authors.
This year’s top honorees for the oldest Jewish literary award in the nation are James L. Kugel, winner of the Everett Family Foundation Jewish Book of the Year Award for How to Read the Bible: A Guide to Scripture, Then and Now (Free Press); and Rabbi Harold Kushner, winner of the Jewish Book Council Lifetime Achievement Award, for his important body of work, which includes the international bestseller, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, first published in 1981.
Dr. Kugel and Rabbi Kushner – as well as eighteen other winners in as many categories — will be honored on March 4th, 2008 at a gala award ceremony to be held at the Center for Jewish History in Manhattan, located at 15 W.16th Street.
In celebration of Israel’s upcoming 60th Anniversary, a special Israeli-themed musical performance will be featured as part of the National Jewish Book Awards program. The awards ceremony, which begins at 7:30 p.m., is free and open to the public but seating is limited.
As in years past, acclaimed authors Samuel G. Freedman and Ari L. Goldman, who both serve on the faculty of the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, will serve as joint masters of ceremonies.
Other top winners for the 2007 National Jewish Book Award include Meir Shalev, in the Fiction category, for his novel A Boy and a Pigeon (Schocken Books); George Konrad in the Biography, Autobiography & Memoir category, for his book A Guest in my Own Country: A Hungarian Life (Other Press); Michael Makovsky in History for Churchill’s Promised Land: Zionism and Statecraft (Yale University Press); Edward Kaplan in American Jewish Studies for Spiritual Radical: Abraham Joshua Heschel in America (Yale University Press); and Vanessa Ochs in the Contemporary Jewish Life and Practice category for Inventing Jewish Ritual (Jewish Publication Society).

What kind of press release is this without mention of the First Lady of Jewish Culture — Alana Newhouse?

Posted in Jewish Literature | Comments Off