I Was Glad To Send That Email

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

All during shopping and my other chores, I was ticked off and fine-tuning my email. I couldn’t wait to write it and tell her how I really felt.

It’s such a shocker it didn’t go down so well.

Chicks don’t dig it when you send them carefully reasoned emails about how they’re acting ******.

They say they want to know how you’re feeling and thinking. Well, it’s hard for me to share vulnerable stuff in the moment. I’m a man, a manly man, the manliest man in Pico-Robertson. It’s not easy for me to say how I’m feeling. I don’t like to say, "You hurt my feelings." That feels gay. I’m no cocksucker.

When she says something in the moment that hurts me, I stew on it. I may wait days before I give it right back to her in email. But it never achieves the salutary effect I seek. It just pisses her off and distances us.

The easiest way I know to communicate my feelings is through writing. If I can’t write my feelings to you, then you’re just not going to know many of my deepest feelings and thoughts.

Sure, I said I’d write them up and then share them with you in person. But that’s not going to happen. Too much bother. I hate talking about my feelings and how easily they are punctured.

On the other hand, I hate receiving scathing emails. It never makes me want to get closer to the person. I’m gonna have to be more honest and vulnerable in the moment and let her know when she’s crossed a line, but do it gently in a way that she can hear it.

I’d rather just write her scathing emails. Write everyone scathing emails. Isolate myself in the hovel.

Rabbi Mordecai Finley said that if you ever find yourself looking forward to reproving someone, you should not do it. He’s right.

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Luke Ford’s Secret Diary V

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four.

August 3. I loved being with a girl who was fanatical about staying in shape.

Remember how Jane dissed my blog post about Mary? Jane would not read past the first sentence because it was hypocritical. I could’ve responded, that’s just rude. I could jump all over one sentence you’ve written and use it to diss you. I could list off ten reason why an essay of yours is crap. I guess I won’t bother sharing the most important part of my life with you. Your needless cruelty is duly noted.

You’re right that I can never accuse you of hypocrisy because you don’t stand for anything that makes moral demands on you. You can have affairs, drink and drive, steal, do drugs, dishonor your parents, and nobody can ever accuse you of hypocrisy. Sweet deal for you!

I wonder what was the most important part of Jane’s life. I wonder how she would’ve liked it if I had treated that with contempt? What a c*** she was.

I’m thinking about Jane’s last visit to the hovel. She had so much contempt for me. She said she did not like me. Next time, how will I handle her contempt? I could try to ascertain if she feels contemptuous towards me. If she does, then move on. No relationship can survive contempt. If she chooses to go from my bed to fooling around with someone else that same day, I never have to worry about what might have been. I just know it is time to ride away.

Seeing ******* makes me happy. Maybe I should tell her that. Maybe I should tell more people that. What’s the point of being with someone fundamentally unhappy? Yuck! I want a GF who’s fundamentally happy. I don’t want someone vibrating with anger. I want someone who likes her family.

I should’ve said, "Wow. You have so much contempt for me it takes my breath away. How do I respond to something like that?"

I remember her spread before me. She gave herself to me totally, like she had never given herself to anyone before. I enjoyed the best of her. Now I can leave the rest of her.

I live in LA. The sun is shining. I’m driving a nice car. I have *******. What’s not to love?

If Jane and I get back together, we should talk about marriage and what we would want from the other to make that possible.

I’m surprised and hurt she hasn’t been in touch. I’d love to get a long email from her telling me what was going on with her while we were together. Closure!

Song lyric: "When you go quiet, that’s when I know you need to talk."

I am making only moderate progress on my assignments from the Beit Din.

**** pulled away for a variety of reasons. I did nothing bad to her. I should have no regrets.

I meet so many chicks at …. But I have only dated one. What’s up with that? Where’s my mojo? Remember when I came to LA in 1994. I was getting **** like crazy. I was so aggressive. Maybe I need to reclaim and rechannel some of that aggression.

I’m wondering who will pay for my next vacation. I love it when readers fly me around to places and put me up.

She ain’t that special. She ain’t accomplished anything special with her life. There are thousands of Jewish chicks in LA I could get hung up on. Once I finish my Orthodox conversion, I’ll return to studying those pick-up books. I’d love to go for a long drive out of town. I yearn for adventure, for a change to my routines. How can I put myself around more hot chicks?

I have a nice friendship developing with…. Chicks are noticing our camaraderie. They listen in on our conversations. I have to put some hooks out there to snag them. The more things I am passionate about, the more attractive I am to chicks and other living creatures.

I’d love to ask ****, was there ever a point in our time together that you felt we were monogamous? I’d love to know when that feeling started and when it ended.

Am I victim? No way. I had no illusions about the kind of woman I was with. I was done with her weeks before she cheated on me.

Remember how upset she got when I told her those old ladies were cupping my buttocks in Alexander Technique?

The best revenge is living well. I have cut away my need of her.

Never once in our time together did I turn her down. If we were to get back together, I’d be less available, less easy. Women love a mystery and a challenge. I’m feeling a strong connection to… I need to take the next step and get her Facebook info. Failing that, her email. I’ll say, "What if I have some profound thought that would forever change your life?"

It felt great to have everyone hanging on my every word last night. As my teacher told me, nobody else in the place can captivate a room like I can.

I want to take that confidence into the Tu’B’Av event tonight.

That hot blonde likes me. She initiated the conversation last night. She said she was single. She volunteered private info. And to think I used to tell myself that she was out of my league.

Guru Luke is back!

I want to keep my hovel and my life as hospitable as possible for the next lady. Next time around, ask, what would you like from me? If I call you twice a day, is that too much? If you do X, I’m going to spend more time with others. Is this friends with benefits? Is this a romantic relationship? I did not expect things to go anywhere with ****.

I need to remove ambiguity from my relationships. Make it clear where we are at and where we are going. It’s so much easier to date within Orthodox Judaism. Where do you hold?

Aug. 6. I gave the party a shot. I met a lot of people but did not get any phone numbers. In the age of Facebook, phone numbers are less important. The most important thing about last night was the number of people who told me I had good energy, that I have a smile that can light up a room. This tells me I am on the right track.

If I were to do last night over, I’d hydrate more. Stay later. Talk to more people. I need to work on my approach game. I need to have more exciting things to say, rather than just asking questions.

It felt so good to have friends there last night who anchored me and refreshed my self-confidence. They introduced me to new people. I wonder why I felt so out of it last night? Because I was tired. I felt a lot of people were ill at ease talking with me. That sucks. I’m becoming the creepy old guy that hits on young chicks out of my league.

I need to build myself up so more people want to connect with me. I need to make more money. How can I free up more time for writing? How can I be more alpha?

Last night’s event was not my type of venue. I’m not into clubs and loud music. Last night was a great opportunity to meet a lot of women but my heart wasn’t in it. Nobody I talked to fired me up. Best thing I can do for my psyche is get back in the saddle.

I have not been studying enough Torah. Talking to Andy* yesterday was tiring. His trust issues are so huge.

Going out and meeting people is great for my writing. It makes it come alive. It creates more personal and professional opportunities for me.

Aug. 7. M. seemed fragile last night. Vulnerable. She seems to have aged since I saw her last. I always enjoy talking with her. She’s super-smart and ambitious. J. seemed particularly friendly. I wonder if she will have dinner with me. If a woman looks at me repeatedly, I need to go up and talk to her.

I’m glad **** is staying away from …. That means she is no more over me than I am over her.

I must study more for my Beit Din.

Man, whenever I feel down, I should just hang out at a Starbucks in Beverly Hills and meet chicks. That was girl was staring at me and I had to run off before talking to her. She was intrigued.

If I can **** with a girl, I can hook her with the great ***.

I’m gonna use these valleys to assess where I went wrong so I can spend more time on the peaks.

A valley is where you focus on what you don’t have (Spencer Johnson).

A peak is where you are grateful.

I need to demonstrate more social proof. How can I write more and better blog posts that touch more people more deeply?

I hate feeling on the outside. I want to live from the inside, just like Rabbi Marc Gafni talks about. I’ve had enough glimmerings of life on the inside that I yearn to return there. I want to be welcome in more homes. I want to be a part of a family, like I was with the Muths at Pacific Union College. It hurt to look at the photos of … wedding and feel on the outside. I want to join the dance. That’s why my Orthodox conversion is so important.

It’s sad seeing all these aging beauties who are not into organized religion. What will keep them warm once their looks go? I have a community.

I just got into a fender-bender. My fault. A great life lesson. I can be reckless in driving and in the rest of my life. I’ve had a lot of these little lessons before. A good thing this occurred when I was going five mph. When I back up, I have to be more cognizant of the wide arc my car takes when I’m turning. My last car accident was 1997. I’ve made a lot of similar mistakes in my life. As I age, I get more careful. I am on track to a good life but a moment’s carelessness can set me back months. I’m gonna be out at least $600.

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Luke Ford’s Secret Diary IV

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

Part one. Part two. Part three.

July 27, 2009. I’m pretty sure I can hook up with… Do I want to? I can get back in the saddle right now. Hah! I’m gonna be fine. I’m thrilled that my driving job should extend a few more weeks. What can I take away from my relationship with Jane that will help me as I go forward? It’s an affirmation that attractive accomplished women with wide social circles want to —- me.

So many hot chicks at …. on Shabbos. This fills me with hope. I need to be smarter about where I sit so I can engage them. I need to stick around for… I’ll feel more confident once I complete my conversion.

I’ve got all my blogs rocking.

I wonder how long **** will stay away from yoga. I loved it when she said, "I want to look hot and I want you to think I look hot!"

I have power in the community. Simultaneously, I am in a super-vulnerable place. There’s no room for error. I need to keep growing in my Torah.

As I think about Jane, a sneer crosses my face. "You ****ed up girl." She’s another high-achiever who gave me the brush-off. I wonder how many of them are married? I suspect few. They’re throwing their lives away in delusion. They are so sure that no man will tell them what to do that they won’t be vulnerable. They’ll stay in touch with their exes if they want, they’ll play around because it makes them feel sexy and desirable. They’re not good wife material. That’s why my smile curls with contempt.

If I ever pass by **** at yoga, I’ll say, "Excuse me, mam."

I just bought my massage table. I’m committed to doing Alexander Technique. I have the tools. I see good times stretched out in front of me.

6:50 pm. I’m waiting for therapy. I got a chipper email from my rabbi. I feel chipper. My new massage table fits neatly beside my bed. I had a nice chat with Joe*. He loses me in generalities. He’s a lot of effort to talk to. So far, no reward.

I put in a lot of time today on my Jewish studies. Memorized the 39 categories of forbidden work on Shabbos. Borei Nafshot blessing (after a snack).

I hate the people in this waiting room. They seem so trashy.

July 28. I learned in therapy I have every reason to feel proud of the way I’ve handled the ballbusters in my life. I’ve learned to be calm, less reactive. I did not do anything to lose my relationship with Jane. I could no longer respect myself if I stayed around her.

My relationship with **** was the longest and most successful. I feel like I battled her to a draw. The other relationships were defeats. I noticed —— had tears in her eyes when I talked about finishing my conversion to Judaism.

I did not discuss with my therapist how I got through this break-up without need of medication. I was able to ride it out. My instrument is finely-tuned now that I am medication free.

I look forward to doing these morning pages.

It’s pathetic when these old bags around Starbucks dress like girls.

I wonder how I can add more value so that I can be more attractive on the dating market. I want to do more things that make me proud of myself.

I fell back to sleep last night after doing some whispered ahhs. I must remember to do them when I can’t sleep.

I think my primary reaction to ****’s infidelity was disgust. As each day passes, her hold on me lessens… I suspect she is not out there filling herself up with cock.

**** had someone who loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, even though she was angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed. She threw it away for nothing. No matter how successful **** is at work, she loses value in the marriage marketplace with each passing year. She won’t be cute forever. With each passing year, I only gain value. I can still date and marry a 20-year old. I was willing to stand by **** but only if I was the most important thing in her life. There are so many women out there.

It’s curious to watch the decline and fall of >>>> and her ecstasy in…. She’s well-suited to me. I might still be around when she comes to her senses.

I will how long it will be before I need another $200 appointment with physical therapist Lyn Paul Taylor. I need to go to Kaiser for my right knee. It’s been bad for seven years. I need to get a dental check-up. Perhaps my podiatrist too.

It’s hard to get ahead of the curve and reduce my debts. How long will it be before I get my own TV show or a major writing gig?

Remember that 29yo woman at the radio station? The first woman who showed me her breasts? I was just 19. Remember how she gave erotic photos of herself to her husband? What guy would want his wife posing erotically for another guy?

Few men will find erotic photos of their spouse. Dressing up sexy for their man? Most of the time the guy will appreciate it, but just as often he’ll go along with it so his woman can feel like she’s this great erotic object for him.

The greatest delusion women seem to have in their relationships is their erotic hold over their man. For some men, their woman hooking up with another woman is a demonstration of her erotic worth and the acquisition of an erotic trick. For most men it will feel like betrayal. What keeps a man faithful is not primarily his woman’s erotic hold over him, but the hassle and expense of cheating, and his self-image of himself as a monogamous person and his love for his woman, and his allegiance to a value-system.

I’ve watched two seasons of The Tudors, watching Anne Boleyn’s desperate struggle to save her head by keeping an erotic hold over the king. She loses.

I’ve had them all. I’ve eaten deeply of the forbidden fruit.

July 29. I knocked out a bunch of cool blog posts last night and sprinkled three of my videos around the web.

I almost got hit by a car crossing Robertson Blvd at Pickford last night. I wonder what I need to do to reduce my chances of getting hit by a car. I’ve had a lot of close calls. I’m going to treat this as a wake-up call and become even more careful crossing streets and driving. God damn! I saw my life ending last night. No wonder I could not sleep. I wonder what are the other areas of my life where I need to be more careful. A bunch. The obvious answer is in my writing.

I want to assure myself that I am on the right path. How do I know that I am on the right path? No relationships have ended. (I ended it with ****.) My bank account is growing. My CC debt is steady. I look good. I’m healthy. It’s been months since I’ve been sick. I’m reading lots of books. I’m making new friends. I’m not having those frightening highs and lows of life before lithium. I never go to that place where I feel like my life is hopeless. I never go to that place where I feel like there are no consequences for my actions.

I yearn for the deep sense of well-being that comes from having a beautiful woman in my bed. Would I allow **** to crawl back in there? Maybe. I wish I did not think about **** so much. My head says she’s bad for me but my **** wants to be ****** of her.

What advice would I give to someone in my position? Get busy! Meet new women. You can’t obsess about two things simultaneously.

**** does not have a value-system. She just does what she likes.

July 30. 2009. Why is my heart vibrating? What’s that about?

I’m getting zero touch in my life now. That sucks. I bet **** is getting a lot of touch. At least I have my blog.

JewishJournal.com is the least friendly newspaper in the world for the mobile phone. Stories take forever to load. By contrast, Lukeford.net is a warm inviting place for a PDA.

*** got through the Beit Din quicker than me. They took it easy on her. They’re not taking it easy on me. I had no enthusiasm for yoga last night. There aren’t a lot things you can do on vacation when you have no money. **** said my life was a mess. I want to reject that, but on what basis is my life impressive?

A vibrating heart makes me think about my legacy. What have I left behind?

July 31. Let me moon over ****. Baawaa. Remember how I used to moon over ******** to Cathy Seipp and how unbearable that was for Cathy. My relationship with **** is similar to the one I had with *******. Great ***. There’s still a powerful ****** charge. ******* and I broke up six times in one year, sometimes for as long as a month or two. If **** and I were physically together, we’d start ****ing. A big difference between the two is that ******* never cheated on me. ******* was younger and hotter. Remember when I asked Jefff* if he thought —— was cute and he said, "She looks healthy!" Hah! He said she was a bitch. How right he was.

Last night I was holding forth and that hot blonde chick was mesmerized.

I’m looking at busty Leslie behind the counter… Yum.

I’m surprised **** hasn’t come back to me.

I’m sitting on a goldmine. I can do better than ____, ____, ____. I need to keep up some quality control on my ____. Remember the ______ disaster.

I want to put in some serious time on my Torah learning today.

I am struck by the many parallels between Kenneth Tynan and myself. He asked all these leading writers to send him their favorite masturbatory fantasies. Surprisingly, few replied. His wife hated his porno adventures. She thought it turned their relationship into a joke.

I should email various leaders of the Jewish community and ask them for their favorite fantasies. Package it up as a religious tome. Print the best responses. I could probably get away with asking Rob Eshman for his favorite fantasies.

She was so pulled down last night. So stuck on her story. Not a spare minute. Using picker-uppers because of her poor use. Blaming her pain on her operation.

August 3. The primary reason I am obsessing over the loss of **** is that the normal things I obsess over — survival, money, health, social, career, safety — are all under control. That gives me room to moon.

There can be lots of distasteful side-effects to sex once your erection goes down. It is so easy to despise the person you just boinked. It might be her smell, her flab, her manners, her personality, soul, low social status, etc. I did not feel any of this with ****. She was rare.

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Luke Ford’s Secret Diary III

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

Part one. Part two.

July 21. I love my therapist. When I told her that I did not represent enough value to ****, that’s why she cheated on me, my therapist said, "Cheating is not about you. It’s about her."

I’m getting closer with… Lots of women want me. Lots of women would love to be in an exclusive relationship with me.

I could not sleep last night. I’m excited about the new life I’m creating for myself.

There were lots of hot chicks at …. last night. I bet some of them would like a piece of me.

My therapist assured me that we were going to have a good positive end to our relationship. That made me cry for the first time in my therapy. I fear loss.

When I watch how hard these Starbucks employees work, I’m glad I don’t have a real job.

I’m glad ****** won’t have coffee with me. It means there’s an adult in charge of our relationship.

I realize now from ****’s tone of voice and phrasing that she regarded her….as something that would arouse my ardor and jealousy. From this way of thinking, **** is not a cheater and this has not been a pattern of her behavior and will not be in the future. Rather, she is just foolish. But if this is so, why did she wait six days to tell me? The only way that delay makes sense is if she realized that what she did would provoke a strong reaction from me. I could tell a change in her voice since she hooked up with… There was less love in it.

July 22. My therapist is right. I feel so much better since I told **** how I feel. I feel relieved of a burden. For the past 12 days, I’ve been walking around saying things to **** in my head. Now I am no longer doing that. I feel free to get on with my life.

There was a hot Korean girl in my class last night. I wish I would’ve stayed longer to chat with her. She glanced at me a couple of times. I think she’s a possibility.

What can I do to make today great? I want to have a good conversation with a stranger. I want to connect. I want to expand my world.

My driving job has lasted six weeks longer than I expected. I have an extra $3,000 in my pocket.

I feel so much better today having gotten a good night’s sleep.

I’m sitting here waiting for ****’s response to my email.

I feel good that I made five blog posts last night. I’m back in the driver’s seat.

As I get older, I do not want to get less attractive to women. Love could hit me at any time.

I need love and nurturing. My life has had a huge hole in it since Cathy Seipp died.

July 23. I missed chances the last two nights to connect with a cute girl. It feels great to connect with Naama*. She gets my sense of humor. I have …. tonight. It’s a great chance to connect with a Jewish girl.

My blog hand is strong and I’m churning out the posts. I’m feeling my power in the Jewish community. Everything is coming together. Soon I’ll be getting invites to speak. Everything is peaking. My Alexander Technique, my finances, my yoga, my months without illness, my Orthodox conversion, my six-month run with ****, everything is going my way. I’ve had this illusion before but this time it is real. I am a mesmerizing public speaker. I can captivate a room. I feel strong and focused. I want to keep up my daily meditation, cold shower, green leafy vegetables. I am poised to capitalize on my hard work and show the world what I’ve got. Every blog post, every video I make, presents my new self to the world and remakes my image. Soon I’ll be out of the Google sandbox and the influence of my website will return. I just need a few good scoops to get my site rocking and put the fear of God into Orthodox Jews in Los Angeles.

I want to write out all the things I hate about ****. Remember when she stole a class at …. and refused to tell me if she had repaid it. Remember all the questions I asked her that she would not answer. How she would not tell me what she was laughing at. Why is she with me if she does not want to connect with me?

Her ball-busting. Remember when I asked her if she wanted to go away for a few days and she said, "I wouldn’t be opposed to that." All the times before, she just said no. When she could not make her flight to Cancun and holed up in a hotel in Santa Monica for the weekend. She told me spent the time alone. I bet. She’s not good wife material. It’s no accident she’s never married. It’s no accident I’ve never married.

My time with **** was a good ride. I played it smart. I can feel good about that. I can feel good about the way it ended. It revealed her true colors. I refuse to put up with that. No second chances on fidelity. It’s good to have your values clear in these matters and to act decisively on them.

It is discouraging how long it takes to find a great girl like ****. As I become more famous and successful, my chances of finding a great woman increase. Remember that 25yo Persian chick in Brentwood who said she’d date me if I could find just one Orthodox rabbi who spoke well of me?

**** blindsided me twice about Vicki*. Never again. She won’t dare show her cheating face in …. Time will show what a time bomb I’ve left behind.

Remember how I cut —- out of my life. She’s an alcoholic. I cut the cancer out of my life.

Remember how —— would get together with exes behind my back. How she would xanax out and not tell me what was going on? The way to handle such ballbusters is to stay cool, calm and collected. Emotionally even. No use crying over these washed up old hags. I want a hot 25yo who has herself together and wants to commit to marriage.

It gives me great pleasure how I outmaneuvered …. on my conversion. When I’m done, I’ll lay down the hammer. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I fear I am a monster. I need more therapy. I’m so vindictive. I fear that I am throwing my life away in delusions of grandeur. That hot blonde chick at Starbucks — she just looked at me with disdain! I seem to be popular at yoga. I have my share of friends in the Alexander Technique world.

I’m not sure what I want most — to feel superior to everyone or to connect with good people.

I picture myself at a reconciliation meeting with Rabbi X. "What do you want to do differently this time around?" he asks.

"This time," I say, "no more Mr. Nice Guy."

July 24. I saw this hot chick at …. last night. Our eyes met a few times. She smiled at me once. Maybe that is her job, to be nice to people. Maybe it was a pity smile. At least I got out into Jewish life last night and scored an invite to … Shabbos table tonight for the first time in 12 years. I knocked out a great blog post last night. I hope a way opens up for me to attend the all-day Limmud Aug. 9 for $50.

You can only obsess about one chick at a time. Every minute I think about …., I don’t think about ****.

With a break, I can pay for two more semester of Alexander Technique teacher training. Then I am almost halfway through. Then I can smell the finish line. I am a finisher.

I will feel such achievement and self-esteem once I finish with the Beit Din.

July 26. I was not impressive with Rabbi ** this morning. I’ve been sleepwalking through my conversion class. Now I need to get more serious and memorize everything. I failed the test this morning. The rabbi will test me again in a month. With luck, I’ll finish the conversion before Rosh Hashanah.

What’s good about today? It’s typical of me. I’m cool with failing once or twice to get a clearer picture of what I need to learn. It costs me more time and money. I did not disgrace myself today.

I felt glimmerings of friendship, family and community over Shabbat. It gives me hope for what I can recapture on my Jewish journey.

I need to put orthotics back in shoes. My ankles are rolling. So what
if they mash the hell out of plantar fascitis? My podiatrist prescribes
them and my physical therapist opposes them.

I am the most cynical person you will ever meet, but there seems to be a glow to people who practice Kundalini yoga. They stand out. They are more poised, more gentle, more centered, more kind. I know that I am all of those things when I get out of class. I tend to be kinder and gentler with myself and then I transfer all of that to those around me while simultaneously remaining the fiercest lover in the world.

I’ve bought a lot of friends to Kundalini Yoga and almost none of them get it. As they walk out of class, they’re unchanged. They talk in the same cynical way. It jars me. I’m no longer the most inappropriate person in the room.

I walked into my first Kundalini Yoga class ready to change my life. The way I was was not working. I wanted to let go of the barriers I throw up between myself and others.

July 27. I finally told M. about my Orthodox conversion. She’s the first person I’ve told who I did not need to tell. I feel like I’ll emerge from the mikveh a better Jew with a more secure place in the Orthodox community.

I find myself going through the day thinking, "I’d like to write about that in my journal."

I love it that Rabbi YY who was so gung-ho to take me to a Beit Din has now walked away. He knows he’ll lose. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I get an apology from him. I love standing up to a bully. Many of these rabbis, these religious leaders, think they’re so holy but much of the time they use their religious position and their brains and their rhetorical abilities to carve up people. They’re not used to being challenged by someone so low on the status pole as myself.

I can be an unpleasant surprise for such bullies. I’m not as dumb as I look.

I’ll write the history of many of these blokes. They’ll go down in history primarily for how they’ve treated me. Some of them, not so nice.

Or maybe I am just a narcissistic prick.

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Luke Ford’s Secret Diary II

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

Part one.

July 17, 2009. ***** was very friendly last night. She gave me her card and pointed out her email address. I emailed her and she replied an hour later, saying meeting me was a "pleasure". She asked if I gave ———-. I said yes, maybe we should do it one day after class. She said yes, definitely.

While waiting for H. yesterday, I spotted this gorgeous woman, beautifully dressed, sitting by herself. I should’ve hit her up. Remember! Many women find me attractive. I have not connected with anyone the past few weeks in Norwalk. I need to take more chances.

What is my greatest fear with Jane? That I don’t represent enough value for her to have an incentive to treat me with care. This is a familiar fear for me. I love high-powered women.

About a month ago in therapy, I said, I’m over Jane. I’m miffed that she cheated first.

I admire how socially smooth and connected she is. I dream about her pulling me into a higher orbit, connecting me with more people. None of her friends, however, seem to be writers.

Girls love the way I touch them. I’ve got the touch! I’ve got the power!

I must be quite the comedown for ****, to go from such powerbrokers to me. It must kill her that she never sealed the deal with ***. I wonder if she would’ve had any career without ***? She’s a good writer.

If I don’t get a Shabbos meal invite today, I’m going to Guru Singh’s special class tonight.

Sometimes I go several years without a girlfriend. Half a relationship with **** is better than that.

I want to push myself to chat up chicks. It’s a numbers game. It’s an opportunity for me to sharpen my game.

I’m imagining **** and I meeting up with her ex. I bet he’d out alpha me.

What do I love about ****? It’s not that she has an amazing body or mind. I love the complete package. **** had not told her family about me. Hardly a vote of confidence. Two months ago, I was hurt that she had not introduced me to her friends. Many of the issues I had with her then have disappeared. I feel confident that I have my hooks into her and she’ll come running back. Part of me wants to be cuckolded and betrayed and humiliated so I can cover myself with sackloth and ashes and then rise again remade. Stronger in all the broken parts, as Hemingway would say.

July 19. I skipped shul Friday night and went to the Guru’s special eclipse class. It was jammed. I had a nice chat with Kami*. She looked about 28. She worked with kids. She had a fresh pure face and a bright neshama.

Shabbos morning, I went to ******* minyan. I only stayed for an hour. It was hot. I went back for Mincha and Shalosh Sheudos. Cut out early before Maariv. Walked home with D. and D. I’d like to get them married and create a Jewish home so I can have them over for Shabbos.

Last night, I listened to a Lisa Aiken lecture on sex. I love her. She makes so much sense. I wish **** would listen to this lecture with me and then discuss it. It’s only worth getting back together if we commit to getting married. It’s time to stop fooling around. I wan t a GF/wife for whom I am the most important thing in the world. I want monogamy. I want to create a Jewish home. White tablecloth on Friday night. Candles. No TV. No phone.

I talked to J. today at yoga. I really wanted to talk to the redhead but she showed no indicators of interest. J. wants to make his living as a songwriter. I need more writers in my life. I need more resonators for my writing. I need more encouragement and competition and inspiration.

I want to join a writing class. I’m glad to be done with the conversion class. I already knew 90% of it and was too impatient to learn the remaining 10% in class. I am almost finished with the Beit Din. Yay! I’ve almost made it. I can’t believe it. I never thought I’d make it through. I thought I was screwed when Rabbi * said he would not sponsor my conversion unless I gave up Lukeford.net and did my future blogging under his thumb.

Jesus H. Christ. I love and hate these rabbis.

I’d love to get an MFA in creative non-fiction after I’ve finished my three years of Alexander Technique teacher training. I want to devote myself to the things I do best, and not have to grind out all these menial jobs.

I’m poised to find a wife. I wonder who it will be?

I must eat more green leafy vegetables.

July 20. The cute busty latina chick at Starbucks is Leslie. I’m glad I asked for her name. I want to be more outgoing. If you conquer the men, you’ll conquer the women. Conquer the room and you’ll conquer the women.

Remember that cute 18yo at Starbucks? She liked me. I should’ve ****** her. If I am my friendly outgoing self, I’ll connect soon.

I walk around with an empty feeling. It is a result of ****’s absence from my life. I’ve never been in this position before. What we had was great. I don’t believe it is over. I can’t believe that **** wants to walk away from what we have. I would need **** to become more religious if we were to marry.

I wonder what I could do to make today great. I suspect my most important hour will be with my therapist. I always walk out feeling better.

What’s the most dangerous part of my life now? My drive time. Don’t text while in motion!

My life would be immediately better if I allowed **** back in but we would be wasting our time that would be better spent looking for someone to marry.

What can I take away from my relationship with **** that I would like to find in my wife? Someone who:

* gives me her body to feast on
* love sex
* is present
* sends chills up my spine when she says my name because I am never sure what incredible thing she will say next
* leaves me yearning to spend more time with her
* who connects me to other people and reveals a lot of things in life I have been missing.
* Being with **** was like living life in High Definition
* Opens up my world
* rarely says anything needlessly cruel
* can open up about her emotions and mine
* is good at reading me and cluing in to what I am feeling
* makes me the most important thing in her life
* turns to me first
* wants to connect with me
* is proud to be with me, proud of what is good in me, and yet is simultaneously committed to improving me
* is reliable
* never gets boring
* is open to sharing my enthusiasms
* I can build credibility with

What have I learned that I do not want? I do not want someone who:

* is not religious
* left-wing
* still involved with her exes
* drinks and drives
* so involved with pets that it gets in the way of us
* cheats
* comes from a broken home
* presents a distorted view of me to others
* ignores me for long stretches of time
* driven to cut off my balls
* not interested in my work, says ignorant things about it

A lot of the problems I had early on with Jane went away. She let me stay the night. She gave me great …. She somewhat relaxed into being my GF. She introduced me to many of her friends. It is interesting that our relationship never came up in any of those conversations. They were very preliminary.

What do I want to give my wife? My

* fidelity
* reliability and maturity
* friends and family
* laughter and sense of adventure
* good listening skills
* brilliance
* commitment to God, Torah and Israel
* healthy living
* sensual cuddly side
* Alexander Technique skills
* love of reading and writing
* commitment to personal growth
* success
* I don’t get boring
* cleanliness and tidiness (for a straight male)
* willingness to share her enthusiasms
* willingness to acknowledge her expertise

I don’t want to be like James Joyce in these ways:

* Unfaithful
* Irreligious
* sponger, borrower
* self-absorbed
* unthinking about the consequences of his behavior on others

How I learned we were breaking up.

* I was living with Sandra* in 1993. She stayed out all night. Returned home around noon. "As you probably guessed," she said, "i was with my ex."
"Did you sleep with him?" I asked.
"What do you think?" she said.

* "I’m going to Europe," she said in 1998.
"Oh," I said. "I’ll be here waiting."
"Don’t wait for me," she said. "We’re not going anywhere."

* 2004. When she blogged her dissatisfaction with our last dinner. I wouldn’t wait for the waiter to bring a doggie bag for her dessert. I wanted to go see the movie Big Fish. She asked for feedback from her readers. All of the commenters said to dump me.

* 2007. When Cathy Seipp didn’t ask me to be a pallbearer at her funeral.

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Luke Ford’s Secret Diary

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

I’ve been keeping a journal since July 15, 2009.

Here are some excerpts:

July 15. I met a new friend in yoga. She’s tall and meaty. I like her body. I like how fit and flexible she is. She meditates every day. She seems receptive to me. She hangs on my every word. Her body language is friendly. She loved it when I touched her.

She talked about writing with your left-hand. It makes you present. It is very time consuming.

She talked about her partner. A couple of weeks ago, she would not answer my friend’s questions about whether or not she was in a relationship. But she confides in me.

This cute singer should be there tonight. I hope she wears colorful clothes.

All these girls need my tender ministrations. It’s a shame I’m a Torah Jew or I could give it to them.

My therapist leaves Aug. 12. I wonder if she will have lunch with me afterwards? Stay in touch?

Last Thursday, Jane* told me that she had fooled around with her ex-GF last Friday night. How did I feel about that? I felt sick. I got off the phone before answering her. I have not communicated with her since. I am hurt by her infidelity. I need to get laid.

I talked to Mary* last night. She said that success to her meant having a baby. I wonder if she wants mine? She said she was not married and she did not have a boyfriend. She’s chosen to sit next to me for two classes in a row. She seems to like me.

I don’t want to get a reputation for hitting on every chick in sight. I must be cool.

Sarah* did not show up for Torah class. She’s cute. Delicate. Well-educated. Reads social cues. She’s not answered my last three emails. You’d think I’d get the hint.

I could keep ******* **** if I could swallow my pride and turn a blind eye to her infidelity, but I may exclude her from my life so I can open up space for someone I can marry. Finding a woman to marry will be a lot easier once I finish my conversion with the Beit Din. That could happen Aug. 2. First, Rabbi *** will test me July 26. I better be ready. I feel confident, but not cocky. I feel poised. A few months ago, I felt doomed and discouraged about becoming a fully certified Orthodox Jew.

July 16. ***** did not show up to yoga last night. Instead, I had some awkward conversation with a young blonde. When I told her it was nice to do yoga by candlelight, she paused and asked, "Did you say it is creepy to do yoga by candelight?"

I can’t wait to get a new girlfriend, though I feel like **** and I have oceans to explore between us. There’s just so much to discover. I feel like we have only scratched the surface of each other. We could spend an eternity just doing writing exercises and reading them to each other. We would both like to get an MFA.

I wonder if she ever had sex with other girls when she was with Don*. I suspect not. She valued him too highly. She doesn’t respect me. She feels comfortable hooking up with other girls. I wonder if **** had sex with others while she was with me? I am better off without her.

I see some parallels in my relationships with **** and Holly. Both insisted on keeping their exes tight. Both loved to cut my balls off. Both dissed me effortlessly and regularly. Still, **** is a big upgrade from Diana* and Felicia*.

I should finish my conversion in a couple of weeks. That will make it a lot easier to find a Jewish wife.

As my triumph last Wednesday night showed, I can mesmerize a room. I can meet women effortlessly when I am in the groove.

When I have completed my conversion, I will have a lot more confidence to go into Jewish life and meet people. The more people I connect with, the better my chances at finding a good job and finding a wife and leading a good life.

As I keep having the same problems with the high-achieving women I want — they don’t respect me and they don’t value me — then the issue is with me. I need to live more impressively. They keep telling me that my life is a mess. So how can I tidy up my life? By tidying up my hovel. Driving a new car. Buying a new suit. Staying committed to yoga, therapy, and Alexander Technique.

I’m impressed by the number and quality of Jane’s friends. They speak well of her. You can judge a person by her friends. Many of them are Orthodox and conservative, so maybe there’s hope for me? If I asked Jane, how could I clean up my life?, I wonder how she would answer.

I’ve spent $1200 on my feet and other soft-tissue damage. Now I am in better shape than I have been in at least nine years. That’s progress.

I wish Google would take me out of its sandbox and return my blog to its search index. I’ve lost my power and two-thirds of my traffic.

I want to go hug a tree. Where else will I get a hug today?

I’m surprised I have not made connection at this Starbucks in Norwalk nor at the library.

Without a doubt, I am the greatest writer of my generation.

As an artist, my insights into life are keener. As a poet, I am accountable to a different moral code. My Torah is considerably smaller to allow me the flexibility I need to explore the human condition. For instance, there’s nothing in my Torah against having *** with as many 00000000 as I can.

I dig into the darkest recesses of the psyche — my psyche — and bring to you the profoundest insights. Everybody I meet is fodder for my blog. My every interaction is fertilizer for my writing.

Blogging is a battlefield. Or perhaps a courtroom where I am judge and prosecutor.

I use my blog to settle scores. Without this, I’d scarcely write.

I don’t want you to ignore my sins. I want you to forgive them out of love, out of an awareness that my crimes don’t represent my true self.

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Is The Elevator Kosher?

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Luke Ford

The New York Times reports:

Tangible things occupy the days of most building managers in New York City. Hot water, floods, bugs, rent checks and so on.

But last week, newly added to the tenant issues facing building managers like Harold M. Jacob, who runs a co-op on the Lower East Side where Orthodox Jews inhabit a substantial portion of the 2,500 apartments, was this almost ontological question:

Does that elevator “know” how many people are on it?

The question is at the core of a ruling issued by a group of prominent rabbis in Israel on Sept. 29 that seems to ban the use of many so-called Shabbos elevators: elevators fixed to stop on every floor from Friday evening until Saturday evening so that observant Jews do not have to press any buttons.

Since the 1960s, when high-rise apartment buildings became ubiquitous, the Orthodox rabbinate has made such elevators one of the few exceptions to Talmudic rules prohibiting 39 categories of activity on the Sabbath, including manual labor or the use of electrical devices. Like flipping a light switch, pressing an elevator button is considered the use of an electrical device.

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Jealous Of Her Dog

Posted on October 13, 2009 by Luke Ford

I am wary about how emotionally attached she is to her dog. It’s not even her dog. It’s a friend’s dog that she takes home many nights. She’s more attached to this dog than she is to me.

I’m losing out to her dog!

She schedules me around her dog. She has to walk the dog and take him to the vet and take him on play dates with other dogs. Then there are the dinners when she gets together with friends who have a little dog that is his best friend.

I’m a dog person. I love this dog too. Here’s photographic evidence:

David Deida says beware of getting involved with someone who uses sexual substitutes. A strong masculine dog can be a sexual substitute for women. Not that they have sex with it, but they become so wrapped up in it that this relationship saps their sexual essence and they have less to give to their man. Their need for a man is largely filled by the stupid dog and any bloke who gets involved with her gets sloppy seconds.

A few weeks ago, the Moose (a mix of Rotweiler and boxer) went missing. She was distraught. I was sick in bed but her energy and love and devotion was all directed towards finding the dog. She spent about 20 hours putting up flyers all over the city, asking homeless if they had seen her dog. She asked all her friends how to find him and they suggested Craigslist and Facebook and other online ventures.

She finally found the dog. Its new owners wouldn’t give him up. They said she was an abusive owner. That she didn’t take care of the Moose.

The police had to be called. It was a big emotional stand-off finally solved after hours.

She’s way more into this dog than she is into me.

I bet she spends more time talking about her relationship with the dog than she does about me.

Here’s the thing — I am every bit as lost as the Moose was a few weeks ago. I am lost in my own ways and I need her help but she’s too consumed with the dog.

Talking to her on the phone that Sunday, I realized the only way I would see her that day would be if she could fit me in around her dog-sitting.

She finally invited me to dinner that night at the home of friends.

I took a shower after yoga but was not sure how to dress as she would be accompanied by her friend’s big black dog.

We went to Trader Joe’s so she could pick up wine.

Though plenty of kosher wines were available, she deliberately chose non-kosher wine.

Over dinner, she had a couple of glasses. That bothered me because she was driving us home.

Drink and drive on your own time, woman!

Her conversation that evening was 50% about dogs. A minute of conversation about dogs is about all I can handle before my eyes glaze over.

I wouldn’t talk about football for an hour over dinner if I knew that at least half of my audience had zero interest in the topic.

When she dropped me off, we hugged for a minute in the car (with the big black dog drooling over us) but anything further was not possible because of the dog.

A bunch of little things that day made me realize I didn’t rate very highly in her priorities.
That was the night I gave up on us.

I kept seeing her for a few weeks out of inertia but then we ended with a bang.

Khunrum emails: Let’s face it Luke, O’l Bowser is much more useful than you are. You don’t bark when there are intruders around. But most important you won’t go out in the morning and fetch the Los Angeles Times between your jaws and bring it back to the mistress. Advantage Dog. Next love interest look for a woman who likes cats, they’re rather useless.

Chaim Amalek emails: Let’s hear more about the dog. Does it have a penis? Is it large? When you cuddle with it, does it become aroused? How does the woman deal with that when she is alone in bed with her dog?

HAVE I BEEN WRONG ALL ALONG AND ARE DOGS, NOT CATS, THE NEMESIS OF THE WHITE WOMAN AND THUS THE WHITE RACE?

And if so, does the negro’s less soft-hearted (not the right word – Luke, help me out here) attitude towards dogs (as Michael Vick put it, "It’s only dogs") a token of its will to overrun the earth with his seed? Should single women be forbidden to own dogs large enough to possess genitals comparable in size to those of the least well endowed man?

Luke says: I was talking to a black girl the other day. "White people are crazy," I said. "They think dogs are part of the family. Black people are more rooted in reality. Dogs are dogs. They’re pets, not people."

She agreed with me.

I’ve always had the keenest insights about relations between the races.

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Creating Passion

Posted on October 13, 2009 by Luke Ford

I met a girl last week who was talking about her lousy love life. I recommended the work of David Deida to her to understand love, sex and passion. I particularly pushed Deida’s first book, "Intimate Communion."

I saw her again tonight. She said that all of David Deida’s stuff was checked out from the LA Public Library but she was going downtown tomorrow to pick up a book that was supposed to be returned.

Also, she said she had signed up for David Deida’s three day workshop in San Diego next month.

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Are You A Good Person?

Posted on October 13, 2009 by Luke Ford

If person who’ve been close to you keep falling away and you are alienated from good people, that’s a good way of asking what gives with you.

Geez, what gives with me? I have this problem.

Dennis Prager talked about mirrors today on his radio show. He said that writing is a mirror to the brain. If you want to know what you are thinking and if you are thinking clearly, write out your thoughts.

What is the mirror to a person’s character?

One test is how do you treat others when you are under stress. A lot of people I’ve known think that illness or stress is a valid excuse for treating others badly.

You can judge a person by his friends.

And what do you do when nobody is watching?

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