I Came Alive!

Sunday morning. My writing workshop.

A playwright asks her neighbor to read a scene between a couple. She starts and then our teacher asks me to scoot over and read one part.

“Do you want me to be the man?” I ask.

“Yes,” says my partner.

And we’re off.

Our couple is coming home from a date and they’re getting naked for the first time. The woman readies herself in the bathroom. My character is slips into her bra and undies. The woman turns out the light, slides into bed, and gets a nasty shock.

“God made me this way,” says my character.

I haven’t acted in 15 years and I’m loving it. Hesitant at first, I start getting into it. I am the character. I’m Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I’m flaming but not in a gay way. I’m not judging the character. I am the character.

Just because I dress in women’s clothing does not mean I like to have sex with men. I don’t. I’m straight.

I love to perform. I love to be other people. I love to jump into their lives and to transform myself for others’ entertainment.

At the end of the scene, my partner, a professional actress, said to me, “Good read.”

I felt strong. Now, where’s my next part? Acting out on my blog and at parties isn’t enough. I need a bigger audience.

Yeah, I’m flamboyant, but God made me this way.

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I Love My CPAP Machine

More than anything, I think my CPAP machine has dramatically improved my life over the past three months.

A doctor prescribed it to me to help with my sleep apnea (which I only discovered at the end of 2010).

I’m not conscious of getting more hours of sleep. I estimate I get about five hours a night (even though I am typically in bed for nine).

I just know that I wake up feeling better. I used to wake up a lot with a headache from oxygen deprivation. That doesn’t happen any more, even when I have a lousy night’s sleep.

I get up, I take my cold shower, and I go for my 30-minute walk and I’m ready to bench press my day.

I feel like the world is opening up to me. After 23 years of restriction due to CFS, I’m stepping outside of my old boundaries and resuming life.

I want to get an MFA in writing.

Khunrum emails: “Tell us Luke…Do you remove your CPAP mask whilst engaging in boom boom or leave it on?”

Bob emails: “Does this affect your cunnilingus technique?”

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The Free World By David Bezmogis

I’m halfway through this acclaimed new novel and I’ve yet to encounter a character I give a damn about.

Perhaps there are just too many people in the book for me to track.

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I Love 12-Step Programs

In the past, I’ve often made fun of 12-step programs because I don’t believe that addiction is a medical illness as much as a failure of moral will.

But after some first-hand experience, I’ve come to think that everybody should go to 12-step meetings. It’s a great way to take a fearless moral inventory of your life and to begin making reparations to those you’ve needlessly hurt.

The sharing is amazing. We all get a few minutes to talk and the quality of the personal disclosure is unlike anything I’ve experienced. Twelve-step programs are the one place I know of where people are likely to discuss their own responsibility for their problems. What a pleasant change from listening to people blame everyone but themselves for their woes.

I’ve gotta say that in my experience, women are the least likely sex to own up to how they abuse people. Every healthy man with half a clue knows he has a rapist and a murderer inside of him and that without self-control this monster will erupt.

You ask women about their moral struggles and you usually get answers like, “I’m too nice. I give too much. I’m too loving. I care too much. I try too hard. I’m too interested in other people. I can’t sit by while innocent people suffer. I’m too vulnerable. I share too much. I’m just too wonderful. I’m a victim. Let me count the ways.”

I know several men whose adult children stopped speaking to them when they remarried. Why? Because the ex set the kids against them. I don’t know any situations in the reverse. Men are much less likely to set the kids against the ex-wife.

Men are used to competition and they they tend to play by the rules. Women don’t like competition. It frightens them because it threatens their connectivity. So when women are forced to compete, they don’t play by the rules. They’ll turn the kids against the ex. They’ll try to get a man fired from his job. I don’t know any man who’s tried to get a woman he had a fling with fired from her job. I don’t know any man who has faxed the woman’s family or employer or other vulnerable connection to try to destroy her life. Only women do this.

It’s not worth getting into a fight with a woman because she’s likely to fight dirty in ways that would never even occur to you.

I remember when I broke up with a girlfriend in 1993, she proceeded to call Dennis Prager’s office to tell him I’m a jerk. She wrote my parents a letter that destroyed my relationship with them for many years. She did everything she could think of to wreck my life.

Not only have I never heard about any man doing anything like this, I’ve never even heard of any man considering doing things like this. It’s just not the way we men think.

If a boy behaved like a whiny little bitch, he’d be punched in the face right quick and would be unlikely to repeat the behavior, but girls can behave badly and unfortunately no one is going to punch them in the face for it, even when they deserve it.

So I love 12-step programs because you hear about real moral struggles. There’s very little aggrandizement. It’s men and women admitting that they have out-of-control compulsions that have repeatedly destroyed their relationships and that if they continue as they are, they’ll doom themselves to isolation and unhappiness.

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I Show Up In The Scientology Files

Here’s a January 2009 interview I did with author Mark Ebner.

From Gawker.com:

It’s like the opening of the Stasi files after the Berlin Wall fell: Yesterday, Scientology defector Marty Rathbun published the cult’s surveillance file on Washington Post reporter Richard Leiby. Today, we’re publishing a glimpse into its spying operation against Mark Ebner, one of Scientology’s most persistent critics.

Ebner, a longtime Gawker pal and freelance reporter who has spent a career exploring (and indulging in) the seedier side of Hollywood, is like the Patti Smith of Scientology-bashing—he was doing it before it was cool and inspired legions. That includes a memorable 1996 story for Spy documenting his undercover entrance into the cult’s indoctrination machinery; his role three years ago in helping unearth the legendary video of Tom Cruise extolling his supernatural Scientology mojo; and his service as a consultant on the “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park depicting the intergalactic travels of the dark Scientology lord Xenu in animated form.

So it’s not surprising that the church would sic its surveillance assets on him. And sure enough, according to a 2006 memo that Ebner obtained from Rathbun and provided to us, Scientology goons staked out his house and watched him walk his dog and get the mail. The memo, which dates to just a few months after the devastating South Park episode aired, calls Ebner “part of a clique of low class writers/bloggers who hang out in the LA area,” lays out where he was living and what car he was driving, and identifies his sources of freelance income as a “key point of vulnerability.”

Here is the full memo, which we confirmed directly with Rathbun, followed by some commentary from Ebner. The names of three individuals have been redacted at Ebner’s request.

CONFIDENTIAL
ATTORNEY CLIENT PRIVILEGED

March 27, 2006

RE: MARK EBNER

Mark Ebner does not show up in any of the PI databases or on Nexis with a current residence. The last place that we knew he had been was with a woman by the name [REDACTED], however, checks of her apartment showed that he has not been living there.

Through a media source we learned that Ebner is currently living at [REDACTED]’s house – which is located on North New Hampshire about five or six blocks north of the complex, near Los Feliz. Ebner’s van was not at [REDACTED]’s house late last night but was found there this morning. He was there all day, in and out of the house either letting his dogs outside or talking with Derrick. Ebner also received a delivery of a large envelope and was seen carrying around various documents when he came outside the house.

[REDACTED] is a friend of Ebner’s who picketed with him around the time period of 1997/1998 (but has not done anything since). She used to work at New Times – which is not in business anymore. As of 2002, [REDACTED] was married to [REDACTED], a character actor, and the house on New Hampshire is in his name. Per Nexis search, he appears to also still be living there at the house – so [REDACTED] appears to still be married and Ebner is just a friend who is living at the house. This will be verified.

The special collections at this location will be done, which will give us further information on Ebner and [REDACTED] and what he is currently doing [Note: “special collections” is a euphemism for searching through trash]. He is still driving the old 1972 VW van which he used to have plastered with anti-Scientology posters and bumper stickers but these have now been stripped off.

In putting together the data on his connections and a time track, Ebner is part of a clique of low class writers/bloggers who hang out in the LA area. For example, he is friends with Peter Collum, a writer for the LA Weekly and Hollywood Reporter with whom he co-authored a book. Ebner and Collum went to “Porndance 99” about six years ago to cover / review porn movies. He is friends with Luke Ford (a writer / blogger) who also covers porn. Both Ebner and Ford have written attack pieces on the “velvet mafia” the powerful gays (like Geffen) in Hollywood.

While we are getting the current scene on Ebner, his files are being gone through for his past connections that he may still be associated with. He listed some of these out when he had the Drastic Media website ([REDACTED], Peter Collum and [REDACTED] are all listed on this site as part of Drastic Media).

A media source who knows Ebner is checking into what Ebner is working on and for whom and another resource he knows is being lined up to contact him to pull strings on his relation with South Park.

Ebner usually does freelance jobs for different media outlets, one of which is currently Star Magazine, any others will be found out. Ebner has been very protective of his writing jobs and this is a key point of vulnerability that we need to work on – as he does not appear to value much else. (When we have used his own postings and actions against him to show that he is totally biased against us, this has caused him problems with the outlets that he has been writing for i.e. he got let go at Rolling Stone and he was caused problems at Radar and made threats of suing Karin for “black PRing” him).

-end

One or more “media sources” were clearly providing the church with information on Ebner, including his current living arrangements and what projects he was working on. As Rathbun has previously revealed, Scientology made a practice of using reporters—including Vanity Fair contributor John Connolly—as spies. It’s unclear who the “media source” was in Ebner’s case.

Ebner says he’s underwhelmed by the memo’s lack of dirt—Scientology’s spies would have done well to read the lead to his 1996 undercover story, which preemptively disclosed Ebner’s history as an “ex-drug addict who has solicited prostitutes, masturbated and inhaled at the same time,” and “owe[s] the IRS roughly six thousand dollars” in anticipation of the usual blowback from the church.

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Problems In Modern Orthodoxy

Gadi Pickholz emails: In Baltimore, the Rambam Academy has closed completely. In Phoenix, the two major modern orthodox schools have merged. In the Silicon Valley, one of the main schools has closed.
Even in LA there are serious problems necessitating merger that were simply delayed a few years by a sudden influx of immigrant Iranian wealth. In NY and NJ there are charter schools opening in lieu of traditional day schools because of the impossible expense.

Ramaz in Manhattan is now over $50,000 a year in true costs. For a modern orthodox family with four to six children, that is not a different lifestyle; that is effectively a different religion altogether.

Modern Orthodoxy, certainly outside of NY and LA, has simply priced itself out of the mainstream market, yet the OU puts together a committee headed by a born multimillionaire (Weil) and Chaired by another.

This is not simply madness, and indicates a truly tin deaf ear to its constituency. There is not a single committee member who works for a living, or needs to work for a living. There is not a single rabbinic representative who does not represent a community of extreme affluence and donation to the OU.

The OU long ago simply became pointless and irrelevant to the majority of halachically observant Jews in the United States. Now it has conceded “at least a 15-30% attrition rate” over the next decade to quote one of its primary rabbinic representatives.

There is an enormous void to be filled, be it from the left and right, or from Israel itself with a more British type structure or something akin to Tzohar.

It is hardly coincidental that even the OU had to ask the Chief Rabbi to publish his new commentaries and siddurim under their masthead. Do any other rabbinic organizations begin to comprehend the issues at hand, let alone plan for solutions?

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Are You A Sex And Love Addict?

Check out these 40 questions. I answered yes to about 35 of them. But I don’t have a problem! I’m all under control. No hole in my soul! Not a big one anyway.

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Was Marjorie Barstow The Greatest Alexander Teacher?

I never met Marjorie Barstow. I heard from an Alexander Technique teacher I respect that she was the greatest Alexander teacher ever, better than the man himself F.M. Alexander.

That may well be, but I wonder if many of those who claim her heritage should be teaching Alexander Technique? You can tell just by looking at many of them — how locked down they tend to be, how stiff and heavy — that they don’t belong in the same organization as the best Alexander teachers (in the United States they tend to belong to AMSAT aka American Society for the Alexander Technique).

Marjorie Barstow never operated a training school for teachers. She just had group classes and after her best students displayed a certain aptitude with the Technique, she gave them (26 named in one letter) her blessing to instruct others.

Should these Marge-trained teachers be accepted into the mainstream Alexander teacher societies where everyone else has graduated from a three-year structured course? That was a big controversy in the Alexander world about 30 years ago and the decision was made to exclude them until they completed a traditional training program.

Somehow there are now dozens, perhaps hundreds, of Alexander Technique teachers who tutor in the “Marge Barstow style” without having graduated from a 1620-hour course.

Many teachers were trained in the Marge Barstow style but never met the woman.

Some of these Marge Barstow style teachers are great and some are not.

Alexander teachers who did not get the traditional three-year 1620-hour training tend to belong to ATI (Alexander Technique International). Some of them are great and some are not.

In my experience with some of them, they’ve shown a competency in the Alexander basics below that of a typical second-year student at an AMSAT-approved course. They can’t release their arms and legs. They’re stiff and heavy. Getting out of a chair is a whole lot of work for them. They tend to tip way forward and then push up with their legs. A real Alexandroid floats up — almost vertically — from a chair.

On the other hand, some of Marge’s acolytes are superb (such as Cathy Madden and Sarah Barker) and I’m sure that some ATI teachers are better than some AMSAT teachers. However, I generally see a vast gulf between those who’ve trained in the 1620-hour program of three hours a day, 36 weeks a year for three years, and those who’ve done these weekend intensives and private lessons leading up to ATI certification.

I understand that Marjorie Barstow didn’t spend much time teaching the basics of Alexander Technique (such as chair and table work) that pre-occupy the AMSAT-approved training programs. Her gift was the application of the Technique to daily tasks and at teaching that there may have been no one better.

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When Our Beliefs Are Just Muscle Tension

I heard something hard to swallow from an Alexander Technique teacher — that all of our beliefs are just unnecessary muscle tension, and that when we let go of that unnecessary tension, we let go of our beliefs.

I’ve always had strong beliefs — beliefs that frequently changed but were firmly held at the time and inflicted on others.

I grew up an Australian Seventh-Day Adventist preacher’s kid in love with the civilizing mission of the English-speaking world (in particular the examples of liberty set by England and the United States).

In college, I flirted with Marxism for a couple of years and then converted to Judaism — a return to the best of my values from my childhood.

So now my life is Alexander Technique and the more I study it, the more easily I hold myself neutral in the sturm and drang of life.

I don’t think that any of my fundamental beliefs have changed in the past three years. I still hold to one all-powerful eternal morally-demanding deity who gave the Torah to his Chosen People Israel so that they can touch the world with ethical monotheism. What’s changed is that I can now say that sentence without tightening.

In my Alexander Technique teacher training course, I notice that virtually nobody outside of the teachers and the third-year students can speak without constricting themselves. The more difficult the topic, the more they tighten and pull down. When they’re speaking out of their most firmly held beliefs, they’re almost rigid.

By contrast, those who are poised in their bodies tend to be poised in their thinking and their speaking. Those who are stiff in their thinking tend to be stiff in their bodies. Those who are stressed and anxious and angry are always tightening their necks, tipping their heads back, and compressing their torso.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to agree with a statement 100% to find it useful. The idea that our beliefs are unnecessary body tension is incredibly useful. It allows me to pause for as long as I want between a stimulus and my response.

I believe that is freedom.

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Jewish-Flavored Ice Cream, Uganda’s Rabbi, and Photoshopping Hillary Clinton

Click here to watch in High Definition (HD)

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