Some Game?

He sat at his desk in the law office Wednesday afternoon grinding out the work when suddenly an attractive young brunette appeared before him. “Hi!” she said. “I’m Devi*.”

He was taken aback and only stuttered out a “hi” after a few seconds. “I’m Luke.”

“How are you?” she smiled.

“Who is this,” he thinks, “and why is she talking to me? Surely she’s looking for the bathroom.”

He has to fight back the urge to direct her to the Ladies room, which he had heroically avoided using all day.

“I’m good,” he said, a big goofy smile coming to his face. “What do you do?”

He tried to figure out who the hell this woman was and why was she talking to him. Surely she was lost. Something was wrong. For his sins, he had been condemned to slave for months in relative isolation from the opposite sex as a man secretary. Every day he came to the office he had to check his balls at the entrance.

Now this woman explained that she was between things but he was so confused that he couldn’t hear anything she was saying. He was thrown. He couldn’t figure her out. It was like she had just appeared to him. Why was she talking to him? It had to be the yarmulke. If people hadn’t Googled him, they could be confused by his innocent appearance.

“Awesome,” he said, his default response since high school.

He was abashed. He didn’t know where to go in this conversation. Who was this person? And why was she talking to him? It’d seemed like it had been years since an attractive young woman had chosen to talk to him.

She took a step away and he returned to work. Then she turned back to him.

“Do you know Jack Cohen*?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said. “He works down the hall. Let me take you there.”

They started walking.

“How do you know Jack?” he asked.

“He’s my step-dad,” she said.

They walked into Jack’s office and he turned to leave.

“This is Luke Ford,” said Jack. “It’s one word. Lukeford.”

He closed the door.

On the way back to his desk, a co-worker said to him, “That’s some game you were running on that girl.”

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Who Is Rabbi Alan Abrams?

The Jewish Journal reports:

A search through court records in the last three states where Abrams is known to have lived — California, Arizona and Florida — turned up the following results:

— In 1993, Abrams, then 32, was charged with 25 counts of illegally practicing veterinary medicine without a license. Officially, he was running the business side of a clinic in Chatsworth owned by his father, a licensed veterinarian. But according to articles about the case in the Los Angeles Times, clients accused Abrams of representing himself as a veterinarian, and prosecutors charged that he “operated on a cat with cancer, even though the pet’s elderly owners thought that the animal had been put to sleep months before.” Abrams pleaded no contest to four of the charges and was sentenced to serve six months in jail.

— In 1996, Abrams moved with his family to Coral Springs, Fla. Between 1997 and 2003, he was sued in Broward County on at least five different occasions, each time for amounts less than $15,000. At least one of those cases ended in a default judgment against him.

— In 2002, Abrams and his family moved to Phoenix, Ariz. Between 2005 and 2010, Abrams was sued in Maricopa County civil court on at least four separate occasions. In each of those instances, he was named as a defendant along with his then-wife or one or more of the corporate entities he created. Three of those cases ended in transcript judgments against Abrams. The combined awards to the plaintiffs in those cases totaled more than $14,000.

— In March 2007, Abrams was arrested in Tolleson, Ariz., in connection with the theft of $73,000 reported by a group of medical doctors. According to a spokesperson for the Maricopa County Attorney, the case was never prosecuted because there was “no reasonable likelihood of conviction.”

— In 2009, Abrams was charged with 12 misdemeanor counts of issuing bad checks in Maricopa County. According to the complaint drafted on April 13, 2010, by the county attorney’s office’s check enforcement unit, between July 10 and Nov. 22, Abrams allegedly issued or passed 12 separate checks to a variety of vendors, including OfficeMax, Costco and Prestige Cleaners. In May 2010, when a summons could not be delivered to Abrams, a warrant was issued for his arrest.

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I’m Putting You On Notice!

Whenever the boss yells at me not to use the Ladies room, I tell him I know better. I was a seminal blogger. I was named ***hole of the month by a very distinguished publication.

Chaver says: “Why don’t you just explain that you have gender ambiguity issues, at which point any further comments could be construed as harassment?”

I wonder if I could convince my boss that my habits of prevarication are protected by the ADA?

Ha! Now I’m off to see my Kabbalah Buddy, the Prince of the Persians.

Persians aren’t homophobic. Persian men routinely hug and kiss. It’s not wrong.

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Wikipedia Nation

“Your father’s dead,” he said. “It’s on Wikipedia. Look it up. Your family didn’t even tell you. You’re dead to them.”

“That doesn’t sound right,” I said and immediately hit Google. “That’s not right. Not right at all. You’re a terrible man to tell me such things.”

“It’s all on Wikipedia,” he said. “You’re a shanda. You’re killing your family. How could anyone with any decency do the things you’ve done? You don’t have blood in your veins. You have ice. You don’t care about anyone. And no one cares about you. I don’t know why you don’t go back to being a Seventh-Day Adventist. Take off your yarmulke and tzitzit. Eat ham and eggs and marry Hayley Rivers.”

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I’m looking for my brothers. Can you tell me where they are grazing their flocks?

I grew up a Seventh-Day Adventist. My father was employed by the church as a preacher and as a theologian until I was 14.

At age 18, I left Christianity. I wandered for a few years until embracing Judaism at age 23.

I am not unmoved when I move in Adventist circles. I come from that womb. I can not be indifferent. I have my moral and rational critiques of the church but they are like trying to make moral and rational critiques of your parents. How can you pronounce on your mom and dad who gave you life and loved you and watched over you when you helpless and nursed you through illness and despair and fed and clothed you and educated you and gently sent you out into the world to make your way? I feel like I can no more critique Adventism than I can critique my own parents.

When I converted to Judaism, I was born again according to the Jewish perspective. Who I used to be and who I used to feel allegiance to, those ties have been broken. That’s true in many ways but it is not true emotionally. I can not set foot in Adventist territories without wanting to cry. I have no desire to be an Adventist again, but the saddest day of my life was not the day my mom died (I was not yet four years old, too young to understand what was happening) but the day I found out (in August 1980) that we would not be going back to the church, to Pacific Union College, but that we were on our own.

And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.

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The Road To Auschwitz

I grew up a Seventh-Day Adventist and many of the things I was taught from the pulpit lead directly to Auschwitz.

Christians did not create Auschwitz (Nazism was profoundly anti-Christian) but without 1900 years of Christian hatred of Jews and Judaism it could never have happened.

I grew up with the message that the Jews have suffered over the past 2,000 years because they rejected Christ. Because they crucified God. That Jews are God-killers.

I was also taught that Jews are not true Jews. Christians are the true Jews. Christianity superceded Judaism. Jews today are therefore imposters, rejected by God.

The official Seventh-Day Adventist church in Germany assisted the Nazis in their isolation and persecution of Jews. Adventist leaders handed over Jewish converts to Adventism to the Nazis to be sent to concentration camps.

On the other hand, some individual Adventists in Europe rescued Jews.

If there was another genocidal targeting of Jews today, what would the Adventist church do? I view the Seventh-Day Adventist church as an essentially amoral organization. I think the church today would be as likely to assist in genocide (as parts of it did in Rwanda last decade) as to oppose genocide. As for individual Adventists, I suspect that perhaps one percent would be rescuers and perhaps one percent would actively assist in genocide.

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How To Create A Vibrant Jewish Community

Check out my live online talk show tonight at 7:30 pm PDT. People can join the chatroom and ask questions. Shlomo Walt will be giving chizzuk (encouragement) and talking about concrete ways we can bring about positive changes in our community through Ahavas Yisroel (love of your fellow Jew).

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I Now Offer Tuck-In Services For $100 A Night – Limited Quantities Available

Upon entering your bedroom, Luke Ford immediately begins to analyze your linen seams and pillow placement, planning a tucking strategy as you enjoy a glass of water he has poured for you. After you hydrate, Luke’s sinewy, well-groomed fingers delicately raise each sheet and blanket over your body until you’re comfortably bundled. Careful not to disturb any children who may be in the adjacent room, Luke leans in and uses his summer-breeze-like voice to gently sing you one of the five lullabies he has authored.

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Busted!

The building admin called my boss. There was a complaint about my using the single-occupancy Ladies room (when the Men’s room is in use). All sorts of men on the floor do it but I’m the one who gets busted. What am I supposed to do when the Men’s room is occupied? It’s rank anti-Semitism. Next they’ll want to put me in a special camp for my own protection. This is just how Hitler started.

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What Is Important To You…

In January 1983, my favorite sports team, the Dallas Cowboys of the National Football League, made it to their third straight NFC championship game. They’d lost their previous two.

This game was January 22, Sabbath morning. As a Seventh-Day Adventist, I was prevented from following the action live. My parents would never have sanctioned it.

That morning, my family went to this Sabbath-keeping Baptist church in Sacramento. At intermission in the service, I told my mother that I had left something in the car and could I borrow the keys.

She gave them to me. I went to the car, put the keys in the ignition, turned on the radio (a sin in my home on the Sabbath) and found out the Cowboys were getting thrashed. They were losing 14-3. Their quarterback Danny White had been knocked out of the game.

When I tried to remove the keys from the ignition, they wouldn’t budge, no matter how much I jangled.

Frightened of being caught in my sin, I went back to the church and told my mother that I had put the keys in the ignition while looking for my book and now I couldn’t get them out. She said I just had to press a button and they’d release.

I don’t think she realized I had been listening to the radio.

After the Sabbath, I turned on the TV as we ate our evening meal and found out to my heartbreak that the Cowboys had lost. After catching the highlights of the game, I kept turning to other channels throughout the evening to watch the highlights again and again. This made no sense to my parents. They protested. I was wasting time.

No non-sports fan could conceive of how much I hurt that day. Three NFC championship games in a row for quarterback Danny White and three straight losses. I felt gutted.

Six years later at UCLA, economics professor Russell Roberts told our class that “what is important to you is peripheral to others.”

After January 22, 1983, the Cowboys did not play in another NFC championship game until January 17, 1993.

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