My Friend Lane Van Howd

In the summer of 1980, my father lost his role as a Seventh-Day Adventist minister and our family moved out of the church and to Auburn, CA, 45-minutes drive north of Sacramento, where dad set up his own non-denominational evangelical Christian foundation Good News Unlimited.

I was 14.

For the first time, I went to a non-Adventist school, Forest Lake Christian. I thought I hated the school but I probably just hated life at that time, torn away from all that was warm and familiar.

Forest Lake was a two-hour commute each way. During winter, I left home in the dark and returned home in the dark.

It was a tough year for me. I had two hours of homework a night. That Fall semester, for the first time in my life, I failed classes (Spanish and Algebra) and finished with a 1.2 GPA. I was not happy.

In the Spring semester, I failed no classes and gained a friend — Lane Van Howd.

My family had moved to a new home and Lane, a year ahead of me in school and a stratosphere above me in social status, lived about a mile away. I started getting rides to and from school with his family.

I remember Lane as always in motion, always teasing and laughing, always lifting the mood of those around him, always with the beginnings of man hair above his upper-lip. He was reckless and utterly convinced he knew better than those around him.

In January 1981, I watched the Super Bowl at his home (the Raiders crushed the Eagles). “God comes first in this home,” said his mother that day. “And sports comes second.”

In my home, by contrast, sports was regarded as idolatry and I learned to hide my interest.

Another cool thing about Lane’s home was that he could talk about girls. In my home, there was no conception of dating. When the time came, you got married, but meantime, there was no salvation allowed from the opposite sex. No banter about crushes. No compromise with the wider society.

During those first weeks together, I was a little unsure of Lane’s last name and so when my mother called that Super Bowl afternoon looking for me, she took the info I had given her and called Mrs. Van Howd “Mrs Lane”. There was an awkward conversation and when I got to the phone, my confused mother ordered me home early.

Lane’s father was Douglas Van Howd, President Reagan’s personal artist.

Every so often, good people come into my life and adopt me. Lane was such a person. The bus would drop us off in Auburn in the afternoons and while we waited for his mother, Lane would buy me cold drinks while he checked out the latest ski equipment.

Lane was at the pinacle of my world. Women found him attractive. He was smart, good and athletic. His younger sister Holly was similarly gifted. They had everything to look forward to. The world was at their feet.

Lane and his family were my first non-Adventist friends.

Ninth grade ended in June 1981 and my family moved a few miles away, foolishly buying a second home in the belief that they could quickly sell the first (that didn’t happen until 1985). I didn’t see Lane any more.

In mid-July I got word that Lane had died. He was killed in a car accident (where he was the passenger, nobody else was hurt).

My friends the Badziks (Doug was in my class and perhaps my best friend though his memories of me are not fond) picked me up to go to the funeral. I was dreading it. I had never been to a funeral of somebody my age. The Van Howds were a different type of Christian than my hyper-intellectual family, they were Pentacostal. I was scared.

The drive to the funeral reassured me. While I had been habituated that you had to keep a solemn silence at such times, I learned that day that you could talk like a normal person. You could laugh as well as cry (not that 98% of Protestants I knew would every cry at a funeral).

I was tipped off that the service would be Pentacostal and that God’s direct intervention would be sought. This was never the Adventist way and I steeled myself for displays of emotion.

Lane’s service was in a different type of church than I had ever been in. It might’ve been Assembly of God. There was an open casket. Lane looked good. He wore his Sunday best.

I don’t think I ever looked in an open-casket before. We didn’t have that custom in Australia.

Unlike many of my friends, I had been to funerals before of people I knew, but they were never my age.

The pastor invoked a more imminent sense of God than I was used to. And at the peak of his message, he said, “If you believe God can raise Lane from the dead right now, please raise you hand.”

Along with almost everyone in the church, I raised my hand, and even though I was raised with an academic approach to God, I really believed at that moment that God could raise Lane from the dead.

Closing my eyes, I prayed for God to do a miracle and to revive my friend. Then I opened my eyes and holding my breath, I stared at the coffin, waiting for a resurrection that never came.

I don’t think I was much of a comfort to Lane’s family that morning. My words were probably few and my physical expressions even fewer.

And that was the last time I spoke to them, to the Van Howds, to the good good family that had sheltered me.

I think Mrs. Nancy Van Howd called my mother a few years later to touch base.

But the pain that family experienced, I couldn’t face it.

From tenth grade on, I went to public school. There was no talk of resurrection there.

2/14/15: Artist honored to do Capitol sculpture of his friend Ronald Reagan

RB_Reagan_Sculpture_1

Van Howd’s relationship with Reagan began in 1972 when Reagan received a gift of one of Van Howd’s statues, a lion, and one of Reagan’s aides invited him to drive down from Auburn to meet the governor. The friendship lasted until the 40th president faded into dementia.

The lion was one of Van Howd’s first sculptures. Now, his pieces sell for thousands, tens of thousands and more. He favors Western scenes and characters and wildlife. He is working on an elephant, 13 feet at the shoulder, for the government of Tanzania. Reagan will stand 7.5 feet.

In 1981, at the start of President Reagan’s administration, the president asked Van Howd to become the White House artist. His first task was to sculpt a gift to be presented to the Netherlands.

As he set about working on the idea, an American Indian and an eagle, atop a piece of petrified wood from Arizona, Reagan’s counsel, Herbert Ellingwood, delivered the terrible news that Doug and Nancy Van Howd’s son, Lane, had died in a car accident in California. He was 16.

“My mind wouldn’t accept it. Why is the top man in the White House telling me this. No, no, no, that isn’t my kid.” But it was. He couldn’t complete the sculpture until 1984. Instead of being given to the Dutch, the sculpture was displayed in the Roosevelt Room.

During Van Howd’s White House visits, schedulers learned to have the president meet him at the end of the day. That way, when they talked too long as they often did, Reagan wouldn’t be late for other meetings.

“I was like a breath of fresh air for him. We would talk horses. We had great conversations. He loved art. He told me a lot of things probably people didn’t know,” like about getting bucked from a horse while riding with Mexican President José López Portillo and hitting his head. “I don’t know that that was ever publicized.”

Walk through Van Howd’s Auburn gallery and you’ll see mementos of his time with the governor who became president. There’s a photo of him giving a ram sculpted of gold with silver horns to Oliver North, and a bronze eagle to Reagan’s interior secretary, Donald Hodel. He painted the portrait of Reagan and Vice President George H.W. Bush that was on the inaugural plates.

Partisan Democrats might be upset that Reagan will stand anywhere in the Capitol, even the “lower rotunda.” Civics lessons are important, however. Reagan is important in the history of California, the nation and world. His story is worth telling and retelling, unvarnished.

We ought to teach more history. Find space for Capitol statues of Earl Warren, the only California governor who became U.S. chief justice, and Hiram Johnson, the progressive responsible for the initiative process.

The state also should reopen the joint in the basement, without four- and eight-legged vermin. Call it the Well. Maybe even serve a little whiskey or wine. Reagan would have approved. Back when he was governor, I’m told, he’d enjoy an occasional sip.

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A New Direction

Greg Leake emails: Hi Luke,

The other day in a post you made that could be associated with this one, called ‘When Did I Hit Bottom?‘, you had an inspired comment by Chaim Amalek.

He suggested that your real problem was a need to write about yourself. Chaim Amalek rolls out very good advice to you. He sees through you better than anyone else who posts up here, including yours truly. Seriously, there is no doubt in my mind that you would be much better off had you followed his many cogent pieces of advice.

And yet there is a conundrum. Basically your blog is like one neverending memoir. And your life is the subject that you write about. When you are not writing about yourself, you are writing about Judaism.

The problem with Judaism is that it’s only interesting to other Jews. In fact, you primarily address the Orthodox community, and they are not even interesting to Conservative and Reform Jews.

Clearly when you were writing about pornography it was a sordid subject and yet a compelling and spectacular one. Although some people might be a little curious about the feelings connected with a guy who became famous for chronicling the porn industry after he converted to Orthodox Judaism, this is a subject that has diminishing returns.

You have to be a kind of weird dude like me to find your reflections about yourself to be sort of interesting.

I know that you are a fan of Tom Wolfe. But Tom Wolfe only marginally wrote about himself. Look at Bonfires of the Vanities, and even his early work. He sort of invented the gonzo sociological approach to dealing with contemporary subjects. (Occasionally he would talk about having finally become a “genuine, bona fide eccentric” and wore those white suits.) He chose subjects he could work with and found compelling.

Really your writing is more like a combination of Hunter S. Thompson and Bukowski. I don’t mean specifically your literary style, but more the attitude and sentiment that you bring to your pieces.

Hunter Thompson would do things that no one would recommend though, like go live with the Hell’s Angels OMG. Not recommended. And Bukowski. What can anyone say about Bukowski? You’re not going to start drinking, and you’re not going to start fistfights in a hobo jungle, and your aspirations for upward mobility are not going to lead you to the desire to live on today’s Skid Row.

So what is the solution? You’re a good writer, and you could take Chiam Amalek’s advice with profit, but then you wouldn’t have anything to write about. And you could stick with writing about the Orthodox Jewish community, but that is a bit dull and has an exposure to a limited number of readers.

Bottom line, I thing you need some new subjects.

You don’t want to go back to porn. You don’t want to join organized crime. (Jimmy Breslin has written some terrific pieces about organized crime.) So what you need is to take a Tom Wolfe approach to something like the fashion industry or Jewish restaurants or Jewish gun owners or Jews who are serving in the military. Etc., etc.

Or you could do the world a service and employ your talents in the place that G-d placed you. You could do what only you could do as well. You could write about building bridges between Orthodox Judaism and the Christian world, or even Orthodox Judaism and Conservative and Reform. You are uniquely situated to be a bridge builder. It would take some adjustment of your personality, but then that might be just the radical change you were looking for.

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Did Barack Obama Give You A Tingle?

On his radio show today, Dennis Prager said: “The number of Americans who tingled at Barack Obama. The self-delusion on the part of every single person who believed in him is astonishing. He never did a thing for me, not on a personal level, not on a leadership level, let alone an ideological level.”

“Which side is more likely to be dazzled by superficial characteristics such as eloquence and looks? Remember JFK Jr? The left was bedazzled by him. He was their great hope. I didn’t understand any of his appeal. He was good looking. And his name. Who on the right dazzles people because of good looks and temperament?”

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First Reform & Conservative Rabbis Employed by State of Israel

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First And Last Images

Assignment: Write about the first image that comes to mind in your story. And the next image. And the final image.

It’s June 1980. I stand beside the American River. Its currents run deep past jagged rocks, and I fear the possibility of falling and hitting my head, passing out, sinking into the water, tumbling downstream, drowning.

I join the group, my eighth grade classmates. Connected, I feel happy and sense intimations of romance and eternity.

On the flight to my new home in Baltimore, I look down from 36,000 feet on my life and I don’t like what I see. Memories of the past six months — the best six months of my life — stab me. My loneliness was self-inflicted but I can’t sit with that knowledge. I want to curse, to cry, to punch, to lash out, to lose myself in frantic activity, in pornographic fantasy, to flee the loss, to take rash action, push away the obvious, blindly launch myself outward, spin in circles, whirlpool down, embrace a needless martyrdom, repetition, repetition, habit, habit, the dead mother of my failure, treating others as objects, recoiling from myself, blaming others, blaming fate, blaming the church, twisting, falling, down, down, down.

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How Far Away Is That Land?

He sat with his arms folded across his chest, his hands gripping his triceps. And then when he stood, he quickly returned to that same posture.

To walk across the room, however, he had to unclench, and when he got to the other side, he stood next to a friend he hadn’t spoken to in a decade, and then his arms flung open for the hug, and for the next thirty minutes, he no longer felt the need to tighten.

When he walked home, he wanted more of that freedom from clenching, from pulling down, from walling himself off. He wondered how far away was that land where he no longer felt the need to defend himself.

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Do I Need To Radically Change?

I had this great therapist. I respected him so much. After about 18 months of work together and after my blogging kept tripping me up and stopping me from getting along with my various communities, he said to me, “I don’t think you want to change.”

I was up for making incremental change, but my therapist encouraged me to go for deep change, the kind of change that would require me to stop doing things I love doing, such as infuriating people. I typically do this in one of my periodic bouts of grandiosity when I’m sure I’m just so much smarter than everybody else, and not just smart, but damn courageous too, and now I’m going to tell the truth, no matter what the cost to me.

My therapist wanted me to have what I said I wanted — at least a normal level of human connection. I wanted to be able to walk into a room, into a shul, and to feel welcome. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to be able to walk around my community and to run into people who were glad to see me. I said that’s what I wanted. I said I didn’t want any tension with my Alexander Technique community. I wanted to be a good teacher. I wanted less unnecessary tension in my most important relationships.

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What’s The Name For This Syndrome?

What’s the name for the syndrome where you restlessly pursue reconnection with people from your past who live nowhere near you while living solitaire in your present place? This has afflicted me since 1977 when I moved to California from Australia at age 11.

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Reconnecting With Old Friends

A great thing about having some measure of fame is that it reconnects you to old friends. And Facebook is great for that.

There are large swathes of my life where I’ve been unable to reconnect with anyone.

I’m not in touch with anyone I worked with at KAHI/KHYL radio from 1982-1987.

I’m not in touch with anyone I went to Sierra Community College with from 1985-1988.

I’m not in touch with anyone from my one year at UCLA 1988-1989 (except for Arnold Strong). I’d particularly like to reconnect with people from my quiet floor, the second floor, of Rieber Hall.

I’m not in touch with anyone from Forest Lake Christian School (ninth grade, 1980-1981).

I’m not in touch with enough people from Pacific Union College Elementary School 1977-1980 (sixth through eighth grade).

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Working On Myself

I fear I’m going to be rusty when I get back in the dating game. What am I going to say about my blank resume the past 30 months? That I’ve been working on myself?

I knew this couple. They were taking a break. He said he needed time to work on himself. A few weeks later, she found out he was working on himself by having sex with other women.

The kind of men who sleep around rarely strikes me as impressive. They have this power over women, but their drive to achieve gets sucked out of them so that they become hedonists and addicts to the game of seduction. By contrast, the most impressive men I know are committed to their wives and family.

I didn’t want life to be like this. I thought when I was younger that there would be nothing more glorious than sleeping with a lot of women. Think of how much you’d learn. Your horizons would expand. Every time you merge with another person, you experience a little bit of their world. Surely that makes you wise and deeper and more empathic?

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