Luke Ford

Dear *********,

I wish you were here. I’m more assertive these days, more clear. Perhaps one day I’ll be worthy of you.

My friend picked me up. I gave him clear instructions to not be late. If he was going to be late, he must call me ahead of time so I could make other plans.

He wasn’t late. I love reliable people. Reliable people like you.

Once I arrived, the anxiety washed over me. Where could I store my bag? It had my wallet, my keys, my books, my notes, my protein bars.

What kind of woman walks around shul in high ****-me heels? She’s putting herself out there in an ostentatious manner.

I was touched by how many of my friends showed up for my talks. And when I was lecturing, they gave me such support. They sailed along with my every word. I looked in their faces and felt such hope that I would succeed.

I had the hardest time keeping the attention of the popular table. They chitchatted while everyone else was listening.

I had complete confidence in my ability to be great. The only thing that can hold me back in such situations is when I don’t adequately prepare. Friday night, I had all my points outlined and memorized. My presentation was sharp and entertaining.

********, why am I frightened to inspire? I just don’t want to go there. Why? I don’t want to be a motivational speaker. I just want to share.

I think I’m afraid that if I try to inspire, I’ll have to transform my life more than is comfortable. But if I kick things into a higher gear, perhaps I’ll find you beside me?

Tim Tebow’s life is inspiring. There’s no reason I couldn’t live at that level.

It was awesome Friday night davening with my friends. My talk was a triumph. People were giddy.

Shabbos lunch. That was a much tougher crowd. Friday night, it was mainly singles. Shabbos lunch, it was mainly older Persians and they preferred to chitchat. They weren’t into public confession. I tackled a loftier topic but my talk wasn’t smooth. It didn’t flow. It was herky jerky. I sensed people tuning me out.

That little Starbucks girl is so cute. Such a nerd. With those thick glasses and little bubble butt. I wonder if she’s Jewish?

I loved hanging out with the youngies Shabbos afternoon. We sat in the sun and this guy tried out reflexology on the hot girl and her skirt rode up in the breeze.

It’s so funny, *******. I thought Judaism and ethical monotheism were going to be my cause but it turns out to be anonymous 12-step work.

I can’t think of anyone I’m nursing resentments against right now. The organized hatred against me? It’s melting.

If my talks were tests of my sincerity and commitment, I passed with flying colors.

I’ve found a way to have community and to also explore publicly and freely the ideas that are important to me.

I no longer have to do a dance to meet people’s expectations. At 46, I’m finally solid.

What fears come up for me when I think about speaking in shul? Nothing comes to mind. I’ve conquered my fears. I no longer have a double life. I don’t have to fear exposure. I’m not a fraud anymore.

The speeches I gave? I said what I wanted to say while treating my audience with respect.

I was at my Reform temple circa 1995. I was sitting with my friends. The cantor opened up for questions. I asked why there’s so much chazzanos at temple when most people would prefer congregational singing? The cantor took offense.

After break when I came back to my seat, I notice that all of my friends had moved to a different row. I was now alone.

Jews are good at shunning.

“I have to learn to be more diplomatic,” I said to myself.

I felt a kind of despair.

I wonder how many hours I could go without seeking mirroring? Am I capable of a mirroring fast? Please let me know what you think.

I’m a bit attention whore. I don’t have a solid sense of self. I keep looking to other people to tell me who I am. They inevitably get tired of doing this and I get disappointed.

So I wonder if I could experiment with deliberately doing nothing to seek attention? I wonder if I could get in touch with my highest self and just live that an hour at a time.

As much as possible, I’d like to let go of my attention-seeking ways. It inevitably gets me into trouble. When I have true connection with people, I feel much less desirous of cheap internet attention. When I’m disconnected, I like to log on to Facebook to get a virtual connection. It’s a crutch to help me through lonely times.

Right now I’m tired. I’m weak. My feet hurt. I need to stay off them as much as possible for a month to get over my plantar fascitis. So I’m at home. I could pick up the phone, but instead I’m blogging.

“What did you do with my watering pot?” asked his neighbor. “I let you borrow it to put your flowers in and then you left it in the common room and now it’s gone. That was my favorite watering pot for 20 years and now it’s gone. You Orthodox Jews.”