Dear *********,
I wish you were here. I’m more assertive these days, more clear. Perhaps one day I’ll be worthy of you.
My friend picked me up. I gave him clear instructions to not be late. If he was going to be late, he must call me ahead of time so I could make other plans.
He wasn’t late. I love reliable people. Reliable people like you.
Once I arrived, the anxiety washed over me. Where could I store my bag? It had my wallet, my keys, my books, my notes, my protein bars.
What kind of woman walks around shul in high ****-me heels? She’s putting herself out there in an ostentatious manner.
I was touched by how many of my friends showed up for my talks. And when I was lecturing, they gave me such support. They sailed along with my every word. I looked in their faces and felt such hope that I would succeed.
I had the hardest time keeping the attention of the popular table. They chitchatted while everyone else was listening.
I had complete confidence in my ability to be great. The only thing that can hold me back in such situations is when I don’t adequately prepare. Friday night, I had all my points outlined and memorized. My presentation was sharp and entertaining.
********, why am I frightened to inspire? I just don’t want to go there. Why? I don’t want to be a motivational speaker. I just want to share.
I think I’m afraid that if I try to inspire, I’ll have to transform my life more than is comfortable. But if I kick things into a higher gear, perhaps I’ll find you beside me?
Tim Tebow’s life is inspiring. There’s no reason I couldn’t live at that level.
It was awesome Friday night davening with my friends. My talk was a triumph. People were giddy.
Shabbos lunch. That was a much tougher crowd. Friday night, it was mainly singles. Shabbos lunch, it was mainly older Persians and they preferred to chitchat. They weren’t into public confession. I tackled a loftier topic but my talk wasn’t smooth. It didn’t flow. It was herky jerky. I sensed people tuning me out.
That little Starbucks girl is so cute. Such a nerd. With those thick glasses and little bubble butt. I wonder if she’s Jewish?
I loved hanging out with the youngies Shabbos afternoon. We sat in the sun and this guy tried out reflexology on the hot girl and her skirt rode up in the breeze.
It’s so funny, *******. I thought Judaism and ethical monotheism were going to be my cause but it turns out to be anonymous 12-step work.
I can’t think of anyone I’m nursing resentments against right now. The organized hatred against me? It’s melting.
If my talks were tests of my sincerity and commitment, I passed with flying colors.
I’ve found a way to have community and to also explore publicly and freely the ideas that are important to me.
I no longer have to do a dance to meet people’s expectations. At 46, I’m finally solid.
What fears come up for me when I think about speaking in shul? Nothing comes to mind. I’ve conquered my fears. I no longer have a double life. I don’t have to fear exposure. I’m not a fraud anymore.
The speeches I gave? I said what I wanted to say while treating my audience with respect.
