‘It’s Not Like Your Rabbi Will Read It’

 

Luzdedos1: Good to see you Sunday sailer girl

hollyrandall: lol thanks

hollyrandall: i read your blog thing

hollyrandall: hey can i write about your guilty feelings about masturbation? it would be great coupled with my member seeing me there– i won’t mention your name and i won’t specify the type of…

Luzdedos1: umm

hollyrandall: hey YOU outed me for being in AA

Luzdedos1: let me loook at it first before you publish

hollyrandall: ok

hollyrandall: it’s not like your rabbi will read it

Luzdedos1: lol

hollyrandall: see how considerate i am?

Luzdedos1: yes dear

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I Want To Freestyle My Goodness

It’s so boring to live your life in box and follow all the rules.

I’m naturally good.

I like good loving music like Air Supply and the Village People.

When I listen to it, I sway back and forth and think loving romantic thoughts.

I find it really easy to open my heart to my fellow man (or more precisely, my fellow woman who’s hot).

I love to embrace the fairer sex. I love to get close. I love to love you baby.

Why must my love be constricted by Jewish law?

When you meet a Torah Jew, you can rely on him to react in predictable ways.

That’s not exciting.

I like being around such people because you can depend on them, but it’s not exciting for me to live that way.

When I shun the old ugly and deformed, that’s because my feelings are aesthetically exquisite.

When I’m rude and moody, that’s because I’m deep.

When I’m depressed, that’s because I see through the delusions that preoccupy those not in the know.

When I screw around, that’s because I want to share my love.

When I say something vulgar, that’s because I’m rattling the sensibilities of the bourgeouis to convey my profound insights.

So screw you if you don’t get me! I’m wonderful. Just ask my mom.

Oy, glad I got that out of my system. How ridiculous. Yet I think that way way too much. Good thing I belong to an Orthodox shul. That’ll straighten me out one of these days. I might even internalize some things.

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When It Comes To John Hagee Vs. Eric Yoffie, The Pastor Understands Torah Better Than The Rabbi

Rabbi Avi Shafran (who’s charedi) writes:

“Tonight I humbly ask forgiveness of the Jewish people for every act of anti-Semitism and the deafening silence of Christianity in your greatest hour of need during the Holocaust.”

Those words were spoken before a crowd of several thousand Jews attending an AIPAC Policy Conference in March, 2007. The speaker was Pastor John Hagee, the evangelist who heads the group Christians United for Israel – the very same Pastor Hagee whom Reform Rabbi Eric Yoffie now accuses of “insult[ing] the survivors” of the Holocaust.

Rabbi Yoffie, president of the Union for Reform Judaism, was referring to a speech Pastor Hagee made about a decade ago, about Jeremiah’s prophecy that G-d would one day “bring the Jewish people again unto their land that I gave unto their fathers” (16:15). In the next verse G-d proclaims that He will send “many fishers” and then “hunters.” The latter word was interpreted by Mr. Hagee as referring to Hitler, leading the pastor to regard the Holocaust as part of a Divine strategy to move Jews to the Holy Land.

One needn’t agree with the pastor’s take on history; or accept his assumption that simple people can identify events with prophecies; or even consider him to be in command of the facts (in his speech, he has Theodore Herzl, a resolutely secular Jew, invoking Divine command as the reason Jews should move to Palestine). But nothing in fact could be more Jewish than to accept that, no matter how inscrutable, G-d is just; and that as we look into the maw of tragedy we are to look inward as well.

And so, while the Reform rabbi may have seen the Christian minister’s words as “an affront” to those who perished in the Holocaust, I saw only an attempt, imperfect but without malice, to discern the fulfillment of a Jewish prophet’s words in recent history.

It is possible that Rabbi Yoffie’s harsh judgment of Pastor Hagee’s sermon reflects a broader disconnect between the two gentlemen. The Reform leader has long disdained the pastor’s politics. Hagee, after all, is a social conservative, believes that Iran should be militarily disabled and strongly opposes a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestinian conflict. As such, his position profile is something of a reverse image to that of the Reform movement.

The Jewish clergyman might also have resented the Christian one’s reference, earlier this year at a Reform temple in Los Angeles, to the object of Christian veneration as “a Reform rabbi” (intended as a compliment, no doubt).

But one suspects that what most profoundly divide the two clergymen are issues of theology. It is the pastor’s belief, but apparently not entirely the rabbi’s, that: The Torah is the word of G-d (“Truth is not what you think it is. Truth is what the Torah says it is”); G-d chose and charged the Jewish People with heeding His laws (“[The Jews are] the chosen people, a cherished people… with an eternal covenant that will stand forever”); and the Torah explicitly warns us of the repercussions of forsaking our mission.

That latter thought is in fact recalled at each Jewish festival, when Jews include in their prayers the words “Because of our sins were we exiled from our land…” It is, moreover, the dominant motif of the liturgy of the annual Jewish mourning-day, Tisha B’Av.

As it happened, the very Sabbath following Rabbi Yoffie’s rebuke of Pastor Hagee, Jews the world over read one of the two portions of the Torah that relate how the Jewish People’s refusal to honor their holy mission will result in the loosening of the reins holding evil at bay.

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The ‘Tolerant’ Rabbi Druckman Vs. The ‘Hard-Hearted’ Haredim

Jonathan Rosenbloom, who is charedi, writes:

Rabbi Avraham Sherman, author of the Rabbinical High Court decision, served for many years as an IDF rabbi, and once spent a sabbatical at Yeshiva University, the flagship institution of modern Orthodoxy.

Another one of the judges graduated the national religious hesder system. Finally, the High Court’s decision was endorsed by the European Conference of Rabbis, hardly a haredi organization, which issued a statement that the conversions performed in Europe by Rabbi Druckman and other Israeli rabbis have shown a consistent ignorance of local realities – i.e., the likelihood of the candidates becoming mitzva observant.

Finally, the evidence that Rabbi Druckman signed conversion certificates falsely attesting to his presence at conversions – a practice which has already been the subject of a sharp censure from Attorney-General Menachem Mazuz – came from national religious rabbis within the Chief Rabbinate.

TUESDAY’S EDITORIAL in The Jerusalem Post claims that all sides of the Orthodox world agree that conversion requires acceptance of the “yoke of Torah, meaning an Orthodox lifestyle” – as if the issue in dispute were whether wearing a knitted kippa is sufficient or one must don a shtreimel and kapote on Shabbat. The distinction, the editorial argues, is between the national religious who “want to bring as many as possible into the Jewish fold” and the haredi world that does not.

One would never know from this account that Rabbi Sherman was stating the overwhelming weight of halachic opinion that a mere pro forma declaration of one’s commitment to full mitzva observance is inadequate, and that a beit din must assure itself, after searching inquiry, of the candidate’s sincere intention to take on full mitzva observance. As the first Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi Yitzhak Isaac Herzog wrote, the burden on the beit din is much heavier in contemporary times, when a convert is not necessarily joining an overwhelmingly observant Jewish community.

Rabbi Druckman apparently does not share that view. Rabbi Aharon Lichtenstein, perhaps Rabbi Druckman’s most distinguished defender, tacitly admitted as much when he said, “When did we ever hear that someone who relies on a minority opinion against the commonly held one is considered a willing heretic?” (Rabbi Lichtenstein’s father-in-law, Rabbi Yosef Ber Soloveitchik, considered it axiomatic that conversion requires a full acceptance of mitzvot.)

If anyone is being political, it is Rabbi Druckman, not Rabbi Sherman. The evidence is overwhelming that a large majority of those converted by Rabbi Druckman were never mitzvah observant. And that is not merely an unhappy coincidence. The Conversion Authority, the special conversion track created in the IDF, the joint conversion institutes, in which students are instructed by Orthodox, Conservative and Reform instructors, and which work closely with the Conversion Authority were all new frameworks created by the Israeli government for the express purpose of solving the problem of 300-500,000 non-Jewish immigrants living among us via mass conversion.

Haredim would be thrilled if tens of thousands of non-Jewish Israelis made the monumental commitment to truly accept the yoke of mitzvot; we await the day when knowledge of God fills the entire world. But until then we are deeply skeptical that the miraculous individual decision to join the Jewish people through a full commitment to mitzva observance can ever be mass produced or subjected to numerical goals of the Israeli government.

TWO WEEKS ago, I spoke in Montreal for an organization called the Eternal Jewish Family, which has invested millions of dollars in working with intermarried couples where the non-Jewish partner is contemplating conversion or already in the process. I pointed out to a group of such couples that most ba’alei teshuva came from homes with a strong Jewish identity, which helped propel their decision to become fully observant. But a convert cannot draw on the desire to link more fully with his people, since he was not born Jewish.

That makes the decision of a non-Jew to fully accept the yoke of mitzvot both more awesome and rarer. National religious rabbis who claim it is possible to convert tens of thousands of immigrants without compromising on the requirement of a full commitment to mitzva observance must explain why they have produced so few ba’alei teshuva in Israel.

Undoubtedly, declaring a conversion invalid after the passage of years, as in the Ashdod case, is always a tragedy. But the blame does not belong to the bearer of the message. Orthodox rabbis have long criticized heterodox rabbis for not informing “converts” that their conversions will not be recognized by a large segment of the Jewish world, and thereby paving the way for future tragedies. And the same can be said of an Orthodox rabbi who follows a single opinion against the overwhelming weight of historical and contemporary halachic decisors.

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Replying Promptly To Phone Calls, Emails, Letters

By: Rabbi Ari Enkin

I don’t know about you, but I am disturbed by those who do not respond to letters, email, or return phone calls within a reasonable time frame. In fact, in the event of a first time correspondence, it is the only gesture that allows me a feeling of that person’s level of derech eretz.


It seems that I am not the only one who views failing to respond to others in a timely manner as distasteful behavior. Rabbi Chaim Palagi writes:[1]

"Derech eretz kodma l’torah….Therefore, one who has received a letter from a friend should respond immediately as there are a number of prohibitions which one may violate by not responding in a timely manner. Responding to a correspondence is basic derech eretz, and causing one to long for a response has the potential to cause that person long term health concerns… It may just be that the one’s reply has the ability to lead to having a mitzva performed… Not responding causes the one who sent the letter great pain waiting for his needs to be addressed. It is also cruel and a sign of arrogance. He who judges the world will pay back such people midda k’neged midda. I myself have sent letters to many prominent people, and those who did not answer my letters fell to unfortunate circumstance."

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I’m Live On My Cam And I’m Going To Make Some Proclamations That Will Rock Your World!

Click here to join the fun.

nicolletista:  holly certainly comes across as an engaging person
guest13:  i don’t think this is really luke ford
guest13:  i think it is a recording
YourMoralLeader:  holly is great
YourMoralLeader:  she’s like a guy, but with breasts
guest13:  wow ha!

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Conversion Controversy Discussion

Rabbi Gil Student writes: "The Torah in Motion discussion between R. Barry Freundel, R. Yitzchok Adlerstein and R. Seth Farber about the recent conversion controversy is now available for purchase (link – "The Conversion Crisis – Panel"). I am almost done listening to it and have found it extremely helpful in understanding the different views. I think R. Freundel represents my view — uncomfortable with R. Druckman’s approach but shocked at his being totally dismissed and deemed invalid as a judge. But both R. Adlerstein and R. Farber present their views eloquently."

Baruch Pelta comments: "The conversion conversation was a complex, but very interesting. R’ Adlerstein mostly focused on the halachic issues and said that he thinks R’ Sherman’s position seems to have sound halachic basis, but that the way he handled the issue –suddenly invalidating all conversions under the supervision of R’ Drukman without individual attention — seemed off; R’ Freundel mainly focused on that latter point, that the issue was handled incorrectly; and R’ Farber focused on how he felt that the entire thing was mainly a political war on Mizrachi, and one which will have negative consequences."

Baruch Pelta of orthdoxfreelancers.blogspot.com emails:

The following text is what I could get of the transcript of the Conversion Conference. I missed the tail end because I had to leave at 11:00. I also might have missed or repeated a few lines by accident. The user "torah’" is R’ Seth Farber and the user "Marc" is Dr. Marc Shapiro. 
Aubrey  and Barbara Abrams >> (All): i hear no sound – is any one talking
Moderator Elliot Malamet  >> (All): no one is talking. we are just setting up.
David Sal Brooklyn NY >> (All): 1
David Sal Brooklyn NY >> (All): 1
David Sal Brooklyn NY >> (All): yes
DavidZviAndYael >> (All): yes
Tech Support Burlington >> (All): R. Farber will be joining us shortly…
Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerstein >> (All): I don’t have sound
mel barenholtz  edison nj >> (All): I hear you but, apparently, R. Adlerstein is not hearing you.
Sholom Eisenstat >> (All): please be patient as we get everyone online
Moderator Elliot Malamet  >> (All): sorry for the delay everyone. we are working out a bunch of technical glitches.
Tova Gutenberg Toronto >> (All): yes
Gary Buchwald >> (All): YES
mel barenholtz  edison nj >> (All): Yes
Avi Tuchman Brookline MA >> (All): sounds fine
Tova Gutenberg Toronto >> (All): we hear you
Judah Isaacs Oak Park Michigan >> (All): we hear you
Tova Gutenberg Toronto >> (All): we cant’ talk
Wallace Greene >> (All): we hear you
Marc >> (All): We hear you — try right clicking and then you can turn on your mike
Muttil >> (All): no one is talking
Marc >> (All): If you right click you will see a mike, click on the mike and then select your microphone
Andy LevyAjzenkopf >> (All): Everyone is coming through fine as far as I can tell.
Moderator Elliot Malamet  >> (All): Hi everyone and welcome to the program. Unfortunately, all of the speakers except for Rabbi Freundel are having computer problems. We apologize for the delay.
Andy LevyAjzenkopf >> (All): Dr. Malamet, will you be available for follow-up questions tomorrow for my story in The CJN [Canadian Jewish News –BP]?
Marc >> (All): Elliot, Rabbi Adlerstein’s mike should work if he does what I said
Wallace Greene >> (All): yes
Wallace Greene >> (All): rumors of my demise are premature
Simcha St Paul >> (All): The Ashdod decision I believe also nulified the Jewishness as a result of children of the union.
Jay Kelman Torah in Motion >> (All): welcome rabbi farber
Jay Kelman Torah in Motion >> (All): not to be confused with e-TiM 🙂
torah >> (All): thanks
torah >> (All): You are all coming through Very choppy
mel barenholtz  edison nj >> (All): the sound is coming through very clearly to me
Wallace Greene >> (All): I know. Thank you. I was just paraphrasing Mark Twain
Avi Tuchman Brookline MA >> (All): Except for a very annoying "hum" which comes and goes while R Adlerstein is speaking, sound is very good.
Judah Isaacs Oak Park Michigan >> (All): Rabbi Avraham Sherman, author of the Rabbinical High Court decision, served for many years as an IDF rabbi, and once spent a sabbatical at Yeshiva University
torah >> (All): very poor and choppy
torah >> (All): tell him to "go down" on the join bar to the way he joined yesterday.
Andy LevyAjzenkopf >> (All): I don’t think Rabbi Farber has a mic or is hearing?
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> (All): got you
Tova Gutenberg Toronto >> (All): we hear you
rena bannett  >> (All): yes
Wallace Greene >> (All): in and out
tim925 >> (All): Can Rabbi Farber speak louder
torah >> (All): done
Wallace Greene >> (All): The haredi position is inventing a new halakha, one not supported by  major poskim throughout the generations. This is politics, i.e. hijacking the Rabbanut, not halakha.
Susan Brandes >> (All): amazing technology … careful manouvering… Jack
Simcha St Paul >> (All): I support Wallace Greene but go one step further in suggestion that the for years the modern orthodox have been through fear of its own position encouraged the process. They have always been affraid more of what the Hareidim would say than fear of what Hashem would say.
torah >> (All): i agree with it
AHR >> (All): hundreds of thousands of russian jews don’t need conversion, but hundreds of thousands of russian non-jews…
Wallace Greene >> (All): How can the RCA cut a deal with those who delegitimize them ?
Simcha St Paul >> (All): Salachta lavoneinu ki Rav hoo!
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> Moderator Elliot Malamet : Question, when you get the chance: at a point,, will the chareidim just invoke the Chazon Ish in Hitorrerut 41-42 on how one who distinguishes "between instruction regarding issur ve-heter and matters of legislation constitutes denigration of talmidei hakhamim and places one in the category of those who have no portion in the world to come?" All dayanim who don’t believe daas torah is a classical concept could be pasuled.
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): I meant the russians who claim to be jewish but are not or we are not sure
Simcha St Paul >> (All): Mipnei chataeinu galinu meiartzheinu.
bill  nj >> (All): i cannot imagine the geirim in place that were intermarried and converted after their intermarriage by RSK, RCOG, RMF and according to many Rambam. any fair reading of those cases has been clouded
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): they stopped delegitimizing us is the simplest answer
Wallace Greene >> (All): < Rabbi Freundel: What happens when they stop accepting RCA kiddushin ?
Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerstein >> (All): Noach, I just saw your question.  I agree fully that one who relies on a minority opinion should not chas v’shalom be called a heretic.  But RAL chose his words well.  He should not be called a heretic, but he can be called "wrong." Wrong halachic decisions have consequences. There are some minority opinions that ceasse to have effect halachically.
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): there are still attempts to delegitimize mo
bill  nj >> (All): the mosy important argument of RSG was that the rav in the city would NEVER have done the geirut and a geirut by either no one of of hedyotot
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): we are fighting that
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> mk: or both?
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> (All): or both?
Wallace Greene >> (All): My basketball playing at YU was never recognized as such by anyone.
bill  nj >> (All): anyone who says that only R. Uziel is the source is simply misreading halakha, cetainly after the fact.  R. uziel was radical but his POV is not required
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): we worked hard to insure that mo was not delegitimized in any arena
Simcha St Paul >> (All): Re. Russians Ayt la
Simcha St Paul >> (All): Re Russian Ayt la’asot heifer Toratecha
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> (All): in America, but in olam hachareidi yeshivot in Yerushalayim, the MO aren’t exactly stood up for by the main rabbanim
Judah Isaacs Oak Park Michigan >> (All): would Ruth have made it?
torah >> (All): ilana: i still can’t hear
David Eisen in Bet Shemesh >> (All): Rabbi Adlerstein – With respect to the Langer affair, my understanding was that the virtually universal haredi opposition to R. Goren’s heter to the brother and sister lavo lakahal (with the notable exception of R. YE Henkin) stemmed far more from the opposition against R. Goren as a halachic innovator and as someone who embarrassed the prior batei din by exposing how they did not rule that the brother and sister were not mamzerim despite the significant amount of sfeikot that were heard by the dayanim as to Borokovsky’s bona fide gerut. I believe the Lubavitcher Rebbe was clear on this point in terms of his opposition to R. Goren on a personal level and far lass on the merits of the case of the Langer siblings.
Wallace Greene >> (All): no
torah >> (All): everyone
Wallace Greene >> (All): Ruth’s behavior would have invalidated her "conversion"
Judah Isaacs Oak Park Michigan >> (All): i agree Wally
torah >> (All): choppy
torah >> (All): wireless
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> Marc: no effect at all?
bill  nj >> (All): is RSK and RCOG and RMF a minority? each allowed a married person to be megayer! the sad part is that we are rewriting halakha
Simcha St Paul >> (All): Sad but it does seem that we must split the people because of its kanayim.
AHR >> (All): or because of left-wingers gone off the deep end
Wallace Greene >> (All): The Hazon Is is minority since  conversion only requires hedyotot. Further, gerut cannot be rovoked retroactively–unlike kiddushin
torah >> (All): I’m sorry. don’t hear the question
Wallace Greene >> (All): Rav Lichtenstein is 100% correct.
bill  nj >> (All): RAL did not mean that this is necessarily a minority view, that itself is debated because of the circumstance
Moderator Elliot Malamet  >> (All): if any of you have questions that you very much want posed, please write me and I will try to get some in.
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> Moderator Elliot Malamet : Question, when you get the chance: at a point,, will the chareidim just invoke the Chazon Ish in Hitorrerut 41-42 on how one who distinguishes "between instruction regarding issur ve-heter and matters of legislation constitutes denigration of talmidei hakhamim and places one in the category of those who have no portion in the world to come?" All dayanim who don’t believe daas torah is a classical concept could be pasuled.
Wallace Greene >> (All): Why has the RCA capitulated to the demands of a politicized Rabbanut ?
Judah Isaacs Oak Park Michigan >> (All): It reflects what Rabbi Farber spoke about "Lo Tunu Et HaGer:
Noach Stern in Melbourne AU >> (All): For R Farber – for the record what is the basis for describing the BD as governed by a "radical minority’? [Dorothy Dix]
Moderator Elliot Malamet  >> (All): whoah. slow down. i JUST RECEIVED 8 QUESTIONS!
torah >> (All): please write the question
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> (All): btw, I have to leave at 11
Jay Kelman Torah in Motion >> Baruch Pelta Atlanta: we are planning to end at 11:00
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): the rca did not capitulate to anything the rabbanut never asked for any input into the standards that we wrote
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): and the standards are those of many batei din prior to what we did
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): also there is more leeway in these standards than there was in those of the RCA of ten years ago
Wallace Greene >> (All): The Hazon Is is minority since  conversion only requires hedyotot. Further, gerut cannot be rovoked retroactively–unlike kiddushin
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): there is acurriculum and a suggested reading list in seperste documents and we are working to revise it
Wallace Greene >> (All): >Rabbi Freundel: Why all of a sudden are only certain rabbis acceptable ? If one joined Agudas HaRabbani, would that make him kosher ?
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): im not sure why you say only certain rabbanim are acceptable
bill  nj >> (All): rav chaim ozer thought it was revolutionary since they would vlearly NOT become religious
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): please read the gps document on this on the rca website
Wallace Greene >> (All): Isn’t there a list of acceptable RCArabbis ?
Wallace Greene >> (All): I read the document and it is very troubling.
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): a list of accepted ones but others can and are being added all the time
Moderator Elliot Malamet  >> Baruch Pelta Atlanta: i’ll try yours next
Baruch Pelta Atlanta >> (All): thank you
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): there is acurriculum and a suggested reading list in seperste documents and we are working to revise it
Wallace Greene >> (All): >Rabbi Freundel: Why all of a sudden are only certain rabbis acceptable ? If one joined Agudas HaRabbani, would that make him kosher ?
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): im not sure why you say only certain rabbanim are acceptable
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): a list of accepted ones but others can and are being added all the time
bill  nj >> (All): u do not need to agree to r. uziel to get to r. druckman’s position!
Marc >> (All): R. Dovid Zvi Hoffmann, R. Mosh Malka, R. Goren and others thought that in a shaat ha-dechak you can use a pilegesh.
Larry in Highland Park NJ >> (All): How can a potential ger find out who is on the list?  To what extent does the demand for quiet investigation mean abuses never come to light and so future gerim go to the same people and have the same problme
Marc >> (All): R. Dovid Zvi Hoffmann held the same view of R. Uziel.
bill  nj >> (All): r. uziel said it was a MITZVAH to be megayer – others saw it permissable because of circumstance
Simcha St Paul >> (All): Let’s keep the entire process in pivate and in the back rooms where no one can see or hear what the Rabbanim are doing.
Rb Barry Freundel >> (All): no just because he is attacked is not a reason for scrutiny but this is an appeals court that has some so standing
Judah Isaacs Oak Park Michigan >> (All): this happened with the concert fiasco in NY, and I think Rabbi Alderstein with all due respect, the problem is publicizing piskei halacha without getting everyone together to learn the true case
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What Kind Of Moral Qualifications Do You Need To Lead Prayers At An Orthodox Shul?

Is it ok to have someone lead davening who desecrates the Sabbath? What about someone out of the closet and leading a gay life? Does the davener just need to have long pants (in America) and know the prayers? What if you are convicted felon? What if you’ve been charged with Spinka-like money laundering?

If you are openly gay (and not leading a celibate life), how does that affect your conversion to Orthodox Judaism?

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Holly Randall Goes To Shul

A few months ago, Holly asked to photograph me and to accompany me to shul.

Though I said yes with enthusiasm, she’s been too busy to do anything about her plans.

On Sunday, June 8, she took me to lunch (MIlk N Honey) for my birthday.

I told her that that night would be a good time to accompany me to shul.

She came back at 9 p.m. and walked with me to Beth Am.

None of the Orthodox shuls start their Shuvuot programming until 11 p.m. to leave time for a proper meal (kiddish can’t be recited prior to 7:46 p.m.). Most Conservative Jews don’t bother having a Shabbos dinner or a holiday dinner, so they’re free to start their Shuvuot programming earlier.

In the opening session, rabbis Sharon Brous, Perry Netter and Dan Greyber discussed the (allegedly) deteriorating quality of public discourse. I felt proud having such wise and good people articulate a Jewish perspective before Holly.

She found it amusing that the rabbis were busy condemning baseless slander as I am the biggest slanderer she knows.

Holly’s never been to a religious service, not Christian and not Jewish. Prior to her AA meetings, she’d never even been inside a synagogue or church.

She’s a total pagan and is jolly lucky to have me in her life for some Godly influence.

At 11 p.m. we hit the snack tables. Despite our big lunch (I had a vegie burger and an entire plate of fries, didn’t offer Holly any, and she had some Asian-style salmon, then no dinner), Holly chows down. She asks me to snag her various kinds of cheeses. Then she devours many of the offerings on the dried fruit stand.

"Did you know that Amber Lynn is back?" she asked.

"No."

"She signed a contract with Zero Tolerance."

Holly caught me up on all the industry gossip while Godly people all around me probed for the deeper meanings of Torah.

We walked back to the hovel. I pushed Holly for her impressions of shul. She noted that nobody greeted her. It was an insular crowd. She contrasted it unfavorably with AA where the attitude is, "The bigger your problems, the more we love you."

"That’s not a Jewish attitude," I said. "Jews are elitist. The more religious you go in Jewish life, the more hierarchical it gets."

I shared with Holly some of my hopes and dreams.

"You enjoy wallowing in your depravity more than anybody I know," she said.

As we said goodbye, she gave me two bottles of an expensive water, a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

On Monday, Holly got this email: "Crazy question, Holly: Were you at the Shavout learning session at Beth Am last night? A Suze member."

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Why Don’t Orthodox Shuls Ever Start Their Shuvuot Learning Before 11 PM?

Some of us need our beauty sleep.

Conservative shuls know how to do Shuvuot right. They tend to start around 9 pm.

Beth Am on La Cienega and Olympic Blvds has a dynamic program.

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