I’m Ripe For A Federal Takeover

From my live cam chat:

ChaimAmalek:  Given the severely undercapitalized state of Luke Ford Enterprises, I’m afraid the time is nigh for a federal takeover.
ChaimAmalek:  Are there any females here, or is this another sausage fest?
RyoScotalnd:  Last Female I saw over here had brown feathers!
RyoScotalnd:  Her name, If I recall corectly was Mrs Blackbird!
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, why aren’t more women coming over here?
ChaimAmalek:  Its the same way over on Craigslist
ChaimAmalek:  I can see….moving to LA to be near Luke, getting knocked up, only to have Luke refuse to marry her because she won’t abandon Christianity
ChaimAmalek:  Then to support her new baby, she becomes a stripper
ChaimAmalek:  While Luke spends his days immersed in the study of the sacred texts.

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The Seraphic Secret Girls

Robert Avrech writes:

Several years ago, spotting a soft-focus Kodak moment, I whipped out my trusty Canon and focused on one of my girlses.

“No, don’t shoot me, I look horrible!”

What’s going on here, I thought to myself, am I on a film set, dealing with some high-strung movie star?

This happened again and again with Offsprings #2, #3, and Karen. In spite of the fact that all my girlses are devastatingly beautiful and always camera-ready.

But try arguing with a woman who feels less than perfect.

One day, feeling deeply frustrated when one of my girlses ordered me not to trip the shutter, I cried:

“Okay, I won’t shoot your face. Is it okay for me to shoot your, er, shoes?”

There was a long pause.

“Um, o-kaaay, I guess.”

Thus began the Avrech family portfolio of my girlses footwear. Shooting shoes has become something of a minhag, a tradition, around here.

“I’ve got a new pair of shoes, Daddy.”

“Excellent, let me get my camera.”

Snick! Snick! Snick!

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Sandra Bernhard disses Sarah Palin at Theater J

Bad language alert!

Fred emails:

Bernhardt is singularly without wit, talent or maturity. She is a walking embarrassment. If it weren’t for her friendship with Madonna, I can’t imagine she would have ever gotten any success whatsoever. I cringe when I hear people like her.

Margaret Cho is another alleged comedian who fails to exhibit any hint or sign of wit.

Is this a generational thing? Do people in their 20s find them amusing?

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The Dallas Cowboys – The Team Of The Nineties

From the Philadelphia Inquirer:

In Pearlman’s book, few Cowboys come off as fully functional human beings, least of all the architect of the success, Jimmy Johnson, who divorced his wife of 20 years and treated his sons "like third cousins" because he only had time for a single pursuit.

"When he was coaching, it was football first, second, third and fourth. Nothing came fifth," said one of his players, Alonzo Highsmith.

An interesting subplot was how the Cowboys dynasty almost never got started. The Herschel Walker trade, an epic heist explained fully, really got it going. But we also read how Johnson preferred Steve Walsh to Aikman at quarterback and privately said Aikman "would spend his career lathered in mediocrity." Offensive coordinator David Shula wanted Irvin cut as a rookie, and Irvin ultimately stayed mostly because Norv Turner replaced the overmatched Shula. And the great Emmitt Smith? "Johnson was so opposed to the idea of selecting an offensive player," Pearlman wrote, even late in the first round, that the running backs coach had to stand on a table in the draft room and scream, "This is the guy, dammit!"

How far the Cowboys were willing to go is detailed in the story of their star defensive end Haley, maybe the least house-trained player in NFL history. From Page 115: "On his first day at Valley Ranch, Haley arrived in the conference room for a defensive film session dressed only in a towel. ‘The next thing you know, Charles is lying naked on the floor in front of the screen, entertaining himself,’ said teammate Tony Casillas." Pearlman gets a lot more graphic in explaining that this was a normal day for Haley.

"I do think Charles Haley’s reputation has kept him out of the Hall of Fame," Pearlman said in the e-mail. "I really can’t fathom another reason he’s not in."

Readers get a clear sense of how the Cowboys both rose and fell. How Irvin and Aikman coexisted perfectly, how Aikman was never a freelancer in the Brett Favre mold, that his success stemmed from his "robotic . . . ability to pinpoint exact locations, time after time."

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Jerry Jones – Football Genius?

Jeff Pearlman writes for the WSJ:

If there was a key moment in Mr. Jones’s rise from laughingstock to laudable, it came in January, 2003 when he hired Bill Parcells as head coach. Unlike Mr. Johnson, who insisted on 100% control over all things football-related, Mr. Parcells was willing to confer with the owner; to sit down and discuss strategy; discuss scouting; discuss what he was looking for in a player. Though the two often butted heads, Mr. Jones was well aware of Mr. Parcells’s knowledge. "What better teacher could Jerry have?" says Mr. Woodson.

Though Mr. Parcells’s four-year tenure resulted in uneven on-field results, those who know Mr. Jones say he emerged with a new level of confidence and — if this is possible — swagger. It was Mr. Jones, after all, who took one of the great personnel risks of the last decade, signing free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens in 2006 to a three-year, $25 million contract after he had been released by the Eagles for multiple infractions. Immediately after the deal, Mr. Jones was again ridiculed throughout the league for having the temerity to add a player who spit in the face of discipline. Few, however, are mocking Mr. Jones today. Now in his third season with Dallas, Mr. Owens has regained his spot among the league’s elite.

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Is It Evil To Speculate About Troy Aikman’s Sexuality?

Jim Buzinski writes:

The author of a new book on the 1990s Dallas Cowboys rips a sportswriter at the time who speculated that then-Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman might be gay.

Jeff Pearlman is getting a lot of pub for his new book, “Boys Will Be Boys,” which deals with the 1990s Cowboys that won three Super Bowls and partied as well as they played. In an interview with the New York Times, Pearlman rips former Dallas columnist Skip Bayless for speculating on Aikman’s sexual orientation in his 1996 book “Hell-Bent.”

Dave Smith, the former Dallas Morning News sports editor, said of Skip Bayless: “His gay take on Aikman was the most unfair thing in my forty-five years of journalism.” Can you explain your feelings about Bayless?

Well, as a pure writer I think Bayless is an amazing talent; one of the best of this generation, skill-wise. But what he did with Aikman was truly wrong, and I think Smith’s characterization is right on the money. First off, he couldn’t have been sure Aikman was gay, because everything he was dealing with was speculation and gossip. Second, even if he knew, for a 100% fact, that Aikman was gay, you only write it if the man wants his sexuality out there. We do a lot of questionable things in this business-make tough choices every day of what to go with, what not to go with. But outing someone? And he’s not even gay? Evil. Absolute evil.

News flash to Pearlman: You can’t out someone who is not gay; it’s nonsensical. (From Webster’s on outing: “The public disclosure of the covert homosexuality of a prominent person.”) Speculation does not equal outing. Bayless was not the only one who speculated about Aikman back then; even his coach Barry Switzer mentioned it (some say as a vendetta against Aikman) and it was a common topic of conversation among NFL fans. Gay researcher and professor Eric Anderson has told Outsports that the most-asked question he used to get from his students was, “Is Troy Aikman gay?” Journalists speculate freely about drug use and the sex-capades of jocks and that’s OK. But suggesting someone might be gay makes them “evil?”

As I wrote two years ago:

Aikman denied he was gay, but his PR team at the time went through some elaborate lengths to prove his heterosexual bona fides. It seems that every few months Aikman was linked to some actress or another. And in the strangest story I ever read in Sports Illustrated, the author detailed Aikman’s quest for love and how he just couldn’t find the right woman.

Titled “Mr. Lonelyhearts” (Jan. 15, 1996), the story was a 5,417-word personal ad, with a sub-headline that read: “SWM, TALL, HANDSOME, 29, PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER, SEEKS BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT YOUNG WOMAN TO HELP DESIGN DREAM HOUSE AND CREATE FAMILY EQUIVALENT OF AMERICA’S TEAM. MUST LIKE QUIET EVENINGS AT HOME, EITHER CRUISING AMERICA ONLINE OR ADMIRING TROPICAL FISH TANK. MUST SPEND SUNDAYS IN CROWDED STADIUMS ROOTING FOR DALLAS COWBOYS. DISLIKE OF 49ERS AND REDSKINS A PLUS, BUT NOT REQUIRED.”

Aikman has since married and has three children and is the lead analyst on Fox’s NFL coverage. So it is clear these rumors had zero effect on the quarterback’s ability to raise a family or earn a living.
But to Pearlman, what Bayless did was “absolute evil.” To me, this is misplaced moral outrage that is supposed to pass for tolerance.

What helps perpetuate homophobia is this idea that to merely speculate someone might be gay is wrong, as it equates homosexuality with something terrible. In 2004, a federal judge ruled that “stating that someone is homosexual does not amount to libel or slander, particularly in light of new court decisions granting gays more rights.” Is this ruling also “absolute evil?”

As the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Discrimination said at the time about the Bayless-Aikman flap: “Speculation about Troy Aikman’s sexual orientation is not the problem. The problem is homophobia perpetuated by the NFL and biased journalism.”

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‘Boys Will Be Boys’ Book Review

Jacob Simpson writes:

This is a fantastic take on a subject that demanded good research and good writing. Pearlman provides both. Though keep the kids away, it’s definitely X-rated (and not for the squeamish). Some notes on Boys Will Be Boys:

1. Can you think of a more intriguing subject in NFL history than the 1990s Cowboys? I still remember how in awe I was of them at seven-years old when they were beating up the Bills back in Super Bowl XXVII.

I never thought that team could lose, it was so loaded. I also remembered how much I hated them (and Deion Sanders) in Super Bowl XXX. Maybe these recent Patriot teams were better coached, but few teams, if any, could match that Dallas squad for sheer talent.

2. Jeff Pearlman (famous for the John Rocker interview), an excellent writer, has gradually gotten better. His first effort, The Bad Guys Won, on the 1986 Mets was good, not great. It got good reviews and was a bestseller, but there was something missing (or perhaps I’m nitpicking).

He followed that up with his surreal take on Barry Bonds, Love Me, Hate Me. In my opinion, this is the best Bonds book ever to be written, unless someone shoots him up with truth serum, records his thoughts on everything and he allows it to be on the record.

And Boys Will Be Boys is just a masterpiece. If I have one big criticism of Pearlman, his long-running analogies suck (someone else has to know this). Otherwise, a superb job.

3. Gave a fantastic in-depth look at the triplets. For instance, Troy Aikman was probably the Tom Brady of his time. Nice guy, hard-working, country boy, wants to win a championship.

Emmitt Smith was exposed as an insecure man who craved personal attention more than anyone else. And yet, when the chips were down, he came through (like his performance in the ’93 Giants game, running hard with a separated shoulder).

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Who Comes Out Looking Good/Bad In ‘Boys Will be Boys’?

Former Cowboys beat writer Mike Fisher reviews Jeff Pearlman’s new book:

NOT LOOKING GOOD
JERRY JONES – In addition to re-telling details about Jones’ womanizing already printed in a book written by former Jones pilot Todd Cawthorn, Pearlman asserts that in terms of football know-how, Jerry is a “dolt.’’

CHARLES HALEY – Haley is (I think) accurately portrayed the way I’ve portrayed him for years, as a chemically-imbalanced bully. And a really good football player.

EMMITT SMITH — Emmitt’s late-career selfishness is noted, though it is a disappointment that Pearlman relied on “unnamed sources’’ to tell that truth. A simple call to one of Emmitt’s best friends, Irvin, would’ve earned Pearlman on-the-record truth.

MIKE FLYNN – The Vikings exec who oversaw the wrong end of the Herschel Walker trade is characterized as a lifelong boob and a non-football man. Oops. Lynn – despite getting hoodwinked by the Cowboys that once – is actually one of the most accomplished men in the history of the sport. He played QB and defensive back for the Steelers, he coached at the highest levels, he built the Super Bowl Vikings of the ‘70s, he built the eventual champion Bears of the mid-80’s, he led the Saints to their first successes, and but for a political battle lost, he would’ve been named commissioner instead of Paul Tagliabue. Oh, and Lynn is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

SKIP BAYLESS – “Evil. Pure evil.’’

DALE HANSEN – Based solely on Pearlman’s assessment of Hansen’s feud with Barry Switzer, the author simply destroys the Channel 8 sports anchor. I’d love to see a Hansen-Pearlman debate right about now.

LOOKING GOOD
TROY AIKMAN – Pearlman engages in some near-hero-worship stuff here. The inference here is that all the black players were chasing booty while Troy and the white guys were just playin’ football and singin’ country songs. The inference would be inaccurate. Troy was, in fact, as much a practicing heterosexual as the next handsome young millionaire.

JIMMY JOHNSON – Jeff falls into the “obsessed with his job’’ trap on Jimmy, insisting that he didn’t like vacations and spewing the old cliché about Jimmy divorcing his wife in order to be married to the Cowboys. (In fact, Jimmy divorced his wife while at the same time using Jerry’s money to buy a house for Jimmy’s hairstylist girlfriend, a house just down the block from Jimmy’s.)

CLAYTON HOLMES – Pearlman obviously took a liking to the kid; in the Times Q&A, he even mentions Clayton Holmes as one of Jimmy’s “successful’’ draft stories. Perplexing.

JIM DENT – The accomplished Dallas-based writer is referred to as “legendary.’’ Twice!

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Herschel Walker

Jeff Pearlman’s new book is excerpted in the WSJ:

In modern American history, few sports figures have possessed the mythological aura of young Herschel Walker. At Johnson County High School in Wrightsville, Georgia in the late ’70s, he was a 6-foot-1, 215-pound halfback with 4.2 speed and thighs the size of fire hydrants. While most boys were busy chasing girls, Walker spent his free time tying one end of a 15-foot steel cable to a mud-grip truck tire and the other end around his waist. He would proceed to run dozens of windsprints — 20 yards, 40 yards, 60 yards. "He used to drag me over to the track on Sunday afternoon, our one day off, and we’d pull the tire until I couldn’t pull it no more," said Milt Moorman, a boyhood friend. "But Herschel, he’d be pulling on it till it got slap dark."

[Herschel Walker] Associated Press

The notion of trading Herschel Walker terrified many of the Cowboys’ own assistant coaches.

There was nothing Walker couldn’t do. He was a straight-A student who ranked first in a graduating class of 108. As a high school senior he rushed for 3,167 yards and 45 touchdowns. In track and field he won three individual events at the Class A state championships (the 100- and 220- dashes and the shot put) and anchored the mile relay team to victory. So enormous was young Herschel that his mother had to purchase extra swaths of fabric to make his three-piece suits fit. Walker’s upper body, wrote Sports Illustrated’s Terry Todd, looked "rather like a dark brown, triangularly shaped nylon sack filled with just the right number of 16-pound shots."

After being recruited by more than 100 colleges, Walker attended the University of Georgia, where his legend went national. In 1980 Walker set the NCAA freshman rushing record with 1,616 yards, leading the Bulldogs to an undefeated season and a national championship. "Herschel Walker!" wrote Jim Minter, editor of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "Thank God that magnificent young man is not cutting plywood in Johnson County. Thank God for [U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice] Earl Warren."

Two years later Walker wrapped up his collegiate legacy, winning the Heisman Trophy as a junior and deciding — against the wishes of every football fan in the state of Georgia — to turn professional at age 20. He joined the New Jersey Generals of the fledgling United States Football League, where a $1.5 million contract awaited. Walker spent three seasons as the league’s dominant presence, rushing for 2,411 yards, a professional football record, in 1985. But it was here, in an oft-amateurish spring football venture that died after three years, where the first needles were thrust into the Walker balloon.

Yes, Herschel Walker was built like Lou Ferrigno, ran like the Flash and put up huge numbers. But he wasn’t really that, ahem, good.

"When it came to strength and power, Herschel was your man," says Mark Walen, a Cowboy defensive tackle. "But being a great athlete is about much more than strength and power. Herschel couldn’t dribble a basketball. I mean, he literally couldn’t bounce the ball twice in a row."

The USFL folded following its 1985 season, and Walker was assigned to the Cowboys, who had selected him on a whim in the fifth round of the most recent draft. He was immediately pitted against Tony Dorsett, the legendary tailback in his 10th season with the organization. Dorsett resented Walker from the get-go, especially when the Cowboys signed the newcomer to a five-year, $5 million deal. "You had two ball carriers," says Timmy Newsome, a longtime Dallas running back, "neither willing to block for the other." Dorsett, who had moaned about being underpaid for years, finally seemed justified in his complaint. Despite 10,832 career rushing yards and two Super Bowl appearances, he was making only $450,000. On the day after Walker’s introductory press conference, Dorsett held his own to gripe about a lack of respect from the organization. "That’s how pissed off Tony was," says Bob Ackles, the team’s director of player personnel. "Tony’s pride was bruised."

Though Walker played well for the Cowboys, gaining 3,142 yards from 1986–88 and prompting Dorsett’s trade to Denver in 1988, he never quite fit in. His long-term goal was not the Pro Football Hall of Fame, but becoming an FBI agent. His interests ranged from bobsledding to karate to ballet — Walker studied dance in college and, in 1988, performed with the Fort Worth Ballet’s Maria Terezia Balogh. Walker was strange. Quirky. A word-search puzzle addict. "My problem is I have never let people get to know me," Walker said. "I have never said I was Superman. I don’t brag. I just answer questions."

Todd Fowler, a Cowboys running back who played against Walker in the USFL and roomed with him for three training camps in Dallas, recalls a warm, soft-spoken man who "probably still has the first dollar bill he ever earned.

"Herschel only ate one meal a day," says Fowler. "At breakfast and lunch he’d drink juice and stuff. After we’d get out of meetings, he and I would go to Carl’s Jr. He’d get a double burger and fries. That’s all he’d eat the entire day. Plus, he only slept four hours per night. You’d get up to piss at 2 a.m. and Herschel would be in the living room reading his Bible or doing push-ups or sit-ups."

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Highlights From ‘Boys Will Be Boys’

From SI:

Jeff Pearlman‘s Boys Will Be Boys is in bookstores now. Here are some tidbits Pearlman shared with Dan …

1. Emmitt Smith and Troy Aikman wouldn’t talk to him. But Pearlman explained the best sources were the guys who had never told their stories.

2. Pearlman told a story about Michael Irvin slashing Everett McIver with scissors. The Cowboys paid McIver to keep it quiet because Irvin was on probation at the time of the incident and his career would have been over if he was arrested.

3. Pearlman has gotten a positive reaction from Dallas fans. Dallas is a Bible-oriented town, but fans have a blind spot for the Cowboys’ craziness.

4. Pearlman said Irvin is the most interesting character he’s ever written about. At night, he was crazy and a bad influence on a lot of guys. He was also the hardest worker on the team during practice.

5. Everyone has a Charles Haley story. His in-meeting nudity story is the one getting the most attention in the press right now.

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