The Jewish Week In Review

Steven I. Weiss reports:

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The Making Of A Gadol

I had my annual physical Monday. I asked my doctor if we could do a test to see if I am capable of fatherhood.

The test came with a small plastic cup and a long list of instructions, including:

1. Refrain from intercourse 72 hours prior to collection

2. Obtain specimen by masturbation or by special direction from doctor.

5. Record time collected on lab slip.

6. Bring specimen to laboratory within one hour after collection.

"You need a sympathetic ear," I call a friend.

"I don’t need a sympathetic ear," she says. "I need you to —- me."

"Your mouth."

"That is so rude."

"Honey, I’m about to make a deposit in my plastic cup."

"Has it been 72 hours?"

"No. It’s been 68 hours but I’m about to blow a gasket. I just can’t fight this feeling anymore. I want you to be on the phone with me at this special time."

"I’m sitting at my desk at work. I’m surrounded. I can’t think now. Has this been hard? But you’re a disciplined man."

"I live my life by higher values. I’ve got to pick up Daisy in a few minutes, so I have to be quick about this."

"Are you going to watch a video? What are you going to do?"

"I’m going to review this week’s Torah portion with Rashi."

"This is so not fair. This is so wrong. I can’t really breathe."

"Yoga tonight."

"But you’re not going to be any use to me, are you?"

"What about my personality?"

"Sorry, I forgot. Beside, I’m probably of no use to you."

"Exactly."

"That’s sexist."

"Last night at the beginning of class, the teacher, in front of everyone, asked me if my friend was OK because she left in the middle of class and didn’t come back. I yelled back that you were fine, just depressed."

"You were like, she just needed to be on all fours for an hour and she was fine."

"He would’ve felt a lot better. He told us the story of how he met his wife. It was the day Yogi Bhajan had everyone eat icecream. Then he called my teacher into his room. There were two women in the room. Yogi Bhajan said to him, ‘I want you to talk to this woman. You’ve got 20 minutes. Let me know your decision.’

"’That woman became my wife.’"

"I feel so helpless."

"I’ll be thinking of you the whole time.

"We could do the healing meditation or the candlelight yoga."

"Are you going to blog this?"

"Yeah, but in a very subtle way so that the rabbis can’t tell what I’m talking about. I’ll go tiptoing through the tulips and nobody will be the wiser."

As masturbation is a very serious sin in Judaism, I turn to my doctor for assistance. As he is male, he refers me to a very comely female colleague who takes me into a private room, changes into a provocative lacy number, and provides the special direction I require.

"Tell me I’m powerful," I gasped.

"You’re powerful," she said. "You’re the most powerful blogger in Pico-Robertson. All the rabbis fear you."

"Tell me again that all the rabbis fear me."

"All the rabbis fear you because you are more macho than they are. More mano a mano. More of a man’s man. You know more Torah. You do more mitzvahs. You are closer to HaShem."

"Tell me I’m an elite Israeli pilot."

"You’re an elite Israeli pilot. You’re the best. You’re flying your big bomber over Iran and you’re about to drop your load on their dangerous nuclear facilities."

With that image, I released into the small plastic container.

It was not particularly satisfying. I think I could design something much more pleasing, something long and tight and warm that vibrates and plays "Jerusalem" at just the right moment.

PS. Complete test results.

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David’s Folly

Author Bill Nelson emails:

Upon hearing the shocking and tragic news about David Carradine’s death hanging in a Bangkok hotel closet, triggered my memory to recall a brief but unforgettable encounter a few years ago that my buddy and I had with this legendary movie and television star with almost cult like status.
 
[]  
 
At the time I was collaborating on a book called Hollywood’s Hellfire Club, about a hard nosed drinking circle of famous actor’s, artist’s and writers that met at the home of a local artist on Bundy Drive up in the hills of West Los Angeles way back in the thirties and forties. They were known as the Bundy Drive Boys because of their outrageous & reckless behavior at this house and elsewhere on and off screen. Such luminaries of this group were John Barrymore, Errol Flynn, W. C. Fields, Gene Fowler, Ben Hecht and David’s father John Carradine.
 
Hollywood's Hellfire Club  
 
 
Around this time, I happened to see an ad in the local weekly entertainment rag that David Carradine was giving a talk and book signing at the famous Book Soup on Sunset Boulevard. The book he was promoting was The Kill Bill Diaries, in which he recounts his time playing the lead part as Bill the ruthless assassin in Quentin Tarantino’s two hit films.
 
In the seventies David Carradine was on the top of his game, with the lead part in the popular “Kung Fu” television show and staring in such interesting films as “Death Race 2000”, “Bound for Glory” & “The Long Riders”. However by the mid eighties David’s career was in a slump. Until Tarantino gave him his second big break almost a decade later, he had filed quietly into the ranks of the has-been stars of the past. The work he did get was cameo roles on various TV shows, bit parts in forgettable pictures, as well as occasional appearance’s signing autographs at various movie conventions.
[]  
 
 
At the book signing, my friend Mike and I arrived early to get good seats. Mike was there to meet an actor he admired, and I was there to hopefully try and get a few of David’s thoughts on his father and any memories or stories about the infamous drinking circle for my book. Prior to that, I tried many times to contact him, but with no luck, so this was my last opportunity to talk with David before my book was published.  It seemed like an eternity waiting.  It was quarter till eight, and David had still had not shown up for his talk that was scheduled for 7pm.  Mike got up and started to browse the store. A few moments later, he returned to his seat with two plastic cups full of Jack Daniels. David’s here he said, and here’s a drink courtesy of Book Soup. He explained that they had a bottle of Jack Daniels on the back table, where David was going to be signing.  David saw Mike fixing our drinks and asked if he was planning on getting drunk for the talk. Mike responded no, but a little buzz would be nice, and then offered to pour David one, which he declined stating health reasons, even though he smelled like he had just smoked a big fat joint. As we sat and sipped our whiskey, David finally made it to the front podium and read from his new book. He briefly took some questions and then ventured to the back for the signing.
 
 
 
 
[]  
 
 
 
As I was getting my books signed I asked him about his Father’s infamous circle of friends. He replied that he was too young to remember them, however from what he had learned, he had one word to sum up that group. And what’s that? I said. “Did you ever see the classic David Lean film “The Bridge on the River Kwai?” He asked. Yes, I answered in fast anticipation. “Well do you remember the last word uttered in the film?” to which I responded that I couldn’t remember. “M-A-D-N-E-S-S!” he exclaimed in a slow whisper. After that he suggested to me if I wanted to know more about his father, that I would have to read his other book Endless Highway. I mentioned that I had read it and that he had just signed a copy for me. At that point he became stone faced, shrugged and looked away. It was clear the interview was over.
 
[]  
 
 
 
Mike on the other hand seemed to have more luck. Being a struggling actor, he had many questions for the veteran movie star. Amazingly David was quite open and willing to accommodate with some very helpful ideas not just on acting but on mind-altering drugs, spirituality and fast cars. Breaking his vow of sobriety, David even laughingly suggested they do a whisky shot together. In an instant, the complimentary Jack Daniels was brought forth, and they saluted the fine art of their profession. Before we left, Mike read me the inscription that David had written in his book; "Every great author, poet or musician was high on something. (That doesn’t mean its a good idea)"…….
[]  
 

 
As we walked to the car along Sunset, I couldn’t help but think that John Carradine’s insane spirit had fully infected his son, and that David was living on borrowed time.
 
Rest In Peace, David, you never made it over "The Bridge on the River Kwai", but you did make it over The Bridge on the River M-A-D-N-E-S-S…

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What That Old Gunmen in DC Thinks

The 89 year old fellow who opened fire at the Holocaust Museum today.  From his book:

Survival of the JEW nation depends upon maintaining its status as GOD’S CHOSEN PEOPLE. The TALMUD, therefore, makes it a crime for JEWS to marry non-JEWS. But not always. Male JEWS, seeking to invigorate sickly tribal genes may receive rabbinical dispensation to mate with trophy Gentile women. The mongrel offspring (bastards) of those mixed marriages are considered non-JEWS; however, sons of those marriages can redeem the JEW lineage by marrying JEWESSES, whose issue is always considered JEWISH. Selah, the TRIBE captures healthy Gentile genes! In a
patriarchal society, as the JEWS’, the above described dispensation indicates a biological necessity. It was common practice for wealthy JEWS, following the wars, to search the ruins of Europe for starving Aryan widows and orphans to take back to the States.

Steven Spielberg, JEW, pusillanimous Hollywood director, paid $22-million to Kate Capshaw, enterprising White hustler, before she would commit to the marriage bed (Vanity Fair, Oct. 1997). She then dutifully bore him two future candiates for America’s booming nose-job industry. Such is the life of a bird in a gilded cage. It is not clear what remuneration Vice President Al Gore received, quid pro quo, for arranging the marriage of his blonde daughter to the scion of the wealthy Schiff tribe (Kuhn Loeb & Co., JEWS), a banking cabal notorious for financing the Bolshevik Revolution in which millions of unarmed Moslems, and Christians were murdered in the same manner that Texas ranchers round-up and slaughter jack-rabbits.

I EMAIL ZAN OVERALL: "When I heard this story, I thought it was you."

Zan replies: Luke, Please tell me you are joking. To say that someone you may disagree with is someone who would commit murder sounds hateful.

Here’s my poem DECADENCE:

WE HAD COLE PORTER.
NOW WE HAVE RAP.
WE HAD “WHAT’S MY LINE.”
NOW  IT’S “HOWIE DO IT.”

WE HAD CARY GRANT.
NOW WE HAVE BEN STILLER.
WE HAD WILL ROGERS.
NOW  IT’S CARROT TOP.
WE HAD FRANK SINATRA.
NOW  WE HAVE EMENEM.

(Based on the derivation of the word)
DECADENCE IS NOT ABOUT RIGHT AND WRONG.
DECADENCE IS ABOUT UP AND DOWN.
DO YOU THINK WE’RE GOING UP?
I THINK WE’RE GOING DOWN.

IF DECADENCE IS INEVITABLE
(DON’T) RELAX AND
(DON’T) ENJOY IT.

RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT.

                                 -Zan Overall (5-31-2009)

I email Zan: "What do you think of this shooter and why would you emulate or not emulate such action? Is there never a time for violent revolution against the zog?"

Zan responds: Of course I abhor what he did— for two reasons. It was wrong and took a life and will make it more difficult—if not impossible—to discuss Israel and Jewish Supremacism.

Your second question makes me feel like Jesus* in the Temple being questioned by the Rabbis who were trying to get him in trouble. I go with David Duke who fights the "ZOG" with words and never with violence.

Too late now but I should have answered your question with a question: Was there ever a time for Jewish violence against the British Protectorate? Zan Overall. * Was there an historical Jesus or was "He" a Roman propaganda weapon? Do you know about the book "Caesar’s Messiah?"

LUKE SAYS: Yes, I think was a time for Jewish violence against the British protectorate. I believe there was a historical Jesus. I don’t believe he claimed to be God or intended to be the centerpiece of a new religion. I’ve heard of the book "Caesar’s Messiah" from you.

JOE EMAILS: "So I find it fascinating to see how these guys think. With his new denial of the historical Jesus as a Roman/Jewish plot, we get this: The Jews created Jesus so that there would be a holocaust which would lead to a Zionist state in Palestine, which they then support by blowing up the World Trade Towers and thus getting sympathy in the so-called ZOG? Surely those wily Jews could have devised a less painful plan for themselves?”

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I Don’t Have HIV!

My blood work is back from Kaiser and here are the only disturbing results (I’ve had these problems for a couple of years now and no matter how much I pray about them, they don’t seem to go away):

CHOLESTEROL203<200 mg/dL
TRIGLYCERIDE161<150 mg/dL
HDL38>/=40 mg/dL
LDL CALCULATED133<100 mg/dL
CHOLESTEROL/HIGH DENSITY LIPOPROTEIN5.3<5.0  

The American Heart Association says:

Changes in lifestyle habits are the main therapy for hypertriglyceridemia. These are the changes you need to make:

  • If you’re overweight, cut down on calories to reach your ideal body weight. This includes all sources of calories, from fats, proteins, carbohydrates and alcohol. 
  • Reduce the saturated fat, trans fat and cholesterol content of your diet. 
  • Reduce your intake of alcohol considerably. Even small amounts of alcohol can lead to large changes in plasma triglyceride levels.
  • Eat fruits, vegetables and nonfat or low-fat dairy products most often. 
  • Get at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity on five or more days each week. 
  • People with high triglycerides may need to substitute monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats —such as those found in canola oil, olive oil or liquid margarine — for saturated fats. Substituting carbohydrates for fats may raise triglyceride levels and may decrease HDL ("good") cholesterol in some people. 
  • Substitute fish high in omega-3 fatty acids instead of meats high in saturated fat like hamburger. Fatty fish like mackerel, lake trout, herring, sardines, albacore tuna and salmon are high in omega-3 fatty acids.

Because other risk factors for coronary artery disease multiply the hazard from hyperlipidemia, control high blood pressure and avoid cigarette smoking.

LUKE SAYS: I’m 6’1" and 175 pounds.

Joe emails: That cholesterol is too high at your age. You need a multi-part approach. My advice as to daily intake:

1. Drink only tea or water. No coffee, soda, alcohol.

2. Lose weight. If you are six feet tall, you should be under 180.

3. Substitute fish in your diet for meat. Reserve meat for days when you have sex.

4. Take niacin – the non flushing kind.

5. Take Zinc too.

6. No salt whatsoever.

7. Exercise by doing punishing cardio for at least 45 minutes every other day. I am talking running uphill, plyometrics, something where you sweat an ungodly amount. Yes, yoga is fine, but not enough.

8. Eat a meal a day of just fiber – try a salad, with tomatoes and broccoli, or get used to all fiber cereals and eat that.

9. Cut out white bread.

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‘This is the Time of Night’

7 pm. Phoner.

"This is the time of night," she says, "when if I don’t have anything to do, I just go home and cry. I’m starving and there’s no food at home. There’s nothing to distract me."

"You like to go and go and go," I say, "because then you don’t have to think about your life. You’re so busy with work and with friends and with art and with dogs and with politics, you ward off your underlying depression. But if you were to go home now, you’d have nothing to distract yourself from the futility of your existence."

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Why Must The Huffington Post Clutter Up Its Fine Liberal Politics With So Many Nipples?

People such as myself dedicate ourselves to elevating the human condition and showing people a holier and finer way to live.

It is a large burden to be a moral leader but in today’s confusing climate, it is just what America needs.

That’s why it saddens me when my fellow intellectual plump the depths of humanity rather than inspiring us to be greater.

Report:

But even HuffPo’s liberal readership gets tired of hating on conservatives sometimes, guys. Sometimes, they just want to sit back, relax, and look at accidentally bare nipples—just like the rest of America. This one-sided liberal hate site has one fatal weakness—boobs. Let’s check out some recent stories from the Huffington Post’s entertainment section:

* Here are some photos of Natalie Portman’s nipple.

* Here are some photos of Beyonce’s nipple, complete with HuffPo-provided “NSFW zoom.”

* Here are some photos of Pamela Anderson’s nipple (hardly news, but a boob’s a boob).

* Here is an entire page devoted to recently naked women (and Barack Obama).

* Here is a collection of zoomed-in photos of 23 celebrities’ breasts, made into a fun game called “Guess the Celebrity Breast Implants?”

Pretty standard entertainment-section blog fare here—though HuffPo does go above and beyond with the “NSFW zoom.” You don’t see a Beyonce nipple that close just anywhere.

So, what do nipple slips and boob jobs have to do with liberal politics?

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More Attuned

A friend yesterday said I had become funnier since I started studying Alexander Technique. That I was more attuned to the people around me and therefore was more likely to say things they’d find amusing rather than offensive.

I had my annual physical yesterday. Got the ol’ prostate checked. It’s pretty healthy. As am I. I’ve got a cup here to use to see how virile I am. Must withold myself for 72 hours, then think of Israel, then rush overflowing cup to lab within an hour to see if I can bring Moshiach.

I’m also getting every STD test under the sun to prove once and for all that my writings are not the product of a diseased mind but rather the effusions of one in love with God and goodness.

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Obama Hate In Jerusalem

From the Jerusalem Post:

A new video posted on the Internet featuring inebriated American Jewish youth in a Jerusalem bar spouting hate-filled sentiments has garnered massive exposure and caused a firestorm in the media and the Jewish world.

In the video, filmed on June 3 and titled "Feeling the Hate in Jerusalem on the Eve of Obama’s Cairo Address," the visitors to Israel are asked their opinions on President Barack Obama and his relationship to the Jewish state (text continues after clips below).

Click on PLAY icon to watch video (warning: foul language, racism)

Watch the response to ‘feel the hate’

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Smart Women Marry Money Says New Book

Fred emails: Gentlemen: This book doesn’t exactly break new ground. However, I assume that since you are all born romantics, you are undoubtedly outraged by and eschew the cynical notions contained therein. I was particularly piqued by the ethnic stereotype contained in the last few sentences of the second page.

From the ABC News report:

"Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped into the Romantic Dream — and How They’re Paying for It."

"If falling in love is a valid reason to get married, then falling out of love is a reason for divorce," said Ford, whose husband left her two years ago to raise their now 8-year-old son, motivating her to write the book.

Ford’s enthusiasm for the topic was also fueled by a younger sister who graduated from college "looking for love" and ended up with "slacker guys who don’t pay the rent."

Her co-author, Drake, left her husband, because he had no concern for the couple’s finances. She is now remarried with two children.

A good marriage, they both say, is an economic partnership. And research shows that if a couple stays together long enough, the passionate love will reignite.

Such was case with one blogger on the Web site Urban Baby who said her best friend had always dated "rocker guys" but, instead, married a Jewish MBA consultant.

"She admits that he is not as sexy, interesting or thrilling as her past boys," she wrote. "But he is understanding and kind and super intelligent. I ‘m sure that loft in Tribeca didn’t hurt either."

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