Did I convert to Judaism to chase shiksas? An objective observer looking at my track record might think yes for many of my years prior to completing my Orthodox conversion in 2009.
Despite living in and around Orthodox Judaism for almost two decades, I’ve never had more than one date with an Orthodox woman (and never more than one date with my favorite type of Jewess — the Persian).
I know that the literal meaning of “shiksa” is “unclean meat”, but in most usage I hear, the word has either a neutral or positive connotation. Secular Jews usually use “shiksa” satirically while traditional Jews whip it out reflexively to refer to non-Jewish women.
For the first decade of my Jewish journey I rarely said “shiksa” because a favorite rabbi of mine, Joseph Telushkin, commanded that you shouldn’t because it’s hurtful, but when I became confident enough in my own judgments that sometimes a word’s connotative meaning is more important than its denotative one, I began to embrace the word in addition to some of the women it represented.
I’ll illustrate my approach to controversial language with another example from Jewish life. The word “goy” means nation and in popular use means non-Jew. There’s nothing pejorative about its literal meaning, but connotatively it is often used as a put-down in Jewish life.
When I’m writing for a general audience, I’ll choose whatever language best expresses what I want to say, without consideration for who gets offended.
In regular conversation, however, I try to keep my usage of “shiksa” and “goy” and other terms appropriate to my audience.
I feel entitled to say what I want on my own blog, but in other contexts, I’ll tone myself down.
I’m sitting here this afternoon in Starbucks with my 12-step book and working on my fourth step — “making a complete and fearless moral inventory.” One sentence in my book particularly hits me — “The addict uses almost everyone and everything in his life to meet his addictive emotional needs.”
I’m thinking about women I’ve dated. I think I can make some useful generalizations from my own experiences.
So why have Jewish men like me chased the shiksa while the Jewish spinster is forced to spend another motzi Shabbos alone?
Judaism forbids intermarriage. Rabbis don’t even sanction inter-dating. We’re supposed to mate with our own.
Since I decided in late 1989 to convert to Judaism, my first and second and third choice has always been to date Jewish women. While many Jewish men complain to me about Jewish women, I have no complaints about the Jewish woman.
I sometimes hear that Jewish women are too materialistic. They care only about money. That’s not been my experience. I’ve dated many Jewish women (most with advanced degrees) and I’ve never had either money nor a nice car nor a nice apartment. I’ve always lived on the edge and yet have managed to date Jewish doctors and lawyers and professors though none of them were interested in settling down with me.
I’m 46 and I’ve been on many dates (with an even mixture of Jews and non-Jews). I have theories about why Jewish men such as myself date shiksas (though I have not dated any since 2008, even when I dated shiksas before that, they were never active in an organized religion and I always talked to them early on about conversion to Judaism so that we could make our relationship work).
* First of all, there are just so many shiksas. Ninety eight percent of all women in America are shiksas. In our Jewish fantasies, they’re like God — all around. All knowing. All powerful. All good.
Part of sex and love addiction is idealizing your partner and then blaming them for failing to live up to your fantasies.
* Shiksas are easy. I don’t mean this literally. According to the most comprehensive survey of American’s mating habits (published by the University of Chicago in 1994), Jews average far more sexual partners than any other religious group (presumably all Jews are counted as part of their religious group even though only 10% are observant). But Jewish guys aren’t dating the average shiksa. They’re not dating the shiksa who’s an integral part of her traditional community (ethnic or religious). They’re dating the easy shiksa, the one who’s not bound by her people, tradition, religion and is open to hooking up with the other.
Jews tend to be confident. Try giving a Jew mediocre service. You’ll likely get reamed for it. There’s a strength that comes with being part of God’s chosen people. In Judaism, you earn your way. This produces people who study hard, work hard, and commit to family and community. This leads to a higher quality of life.
Jews tend to be excellent and with excellence comes many expectations and demands. If you’ve ever worked in a service position for Jews, be it in a restaurant or airline, you know that Jews tend to complain more than the average. In Christianity and Islam and every other religion but Judaism, the focus is on leaving this world. Judaism focuses on this world. Hence, Jews demand more from this world. They’re more impatient. They live life with urgency. They don’t put up with crap without a fight.
Jews are not an easy people. They don’t just melt into the background. Jews have traditionally had close-knit families. That complicates dating because you’re not just dating the girl, you’re dating her family as well. You probably have many friends in common. These ties, these interconnections, these complicated and numerous bonds make objectification difficult, and without objectification, a man can’t get hard.
If you’re thinking about your date’s mother, you’re not likely to get excited. If you’re thinking about the rabbi you have in common, you’re not likely to get excited. If you’re thinking about how your parents do vital business with her uncle, you’re not likely to get excited. If the two of you were set up by the rebbetzin who will be expecting a report back, you’re not likely to get excited. If your family wants something from her family, you’re not likely to get excited. If you’re dreading spending Shabbos and Yom Tov with her family, you’re not likely to get excited.
These are the mundane considerations of Jewish dating that diminish erotic excitement.
By contrast, with the shiksa, you are less likely to have such complicating ties.
How did I meet my last ten shiksas?
* LA Press Club
* Tampa Show
* On the set of Lesbian Swirlfest 17
* LA Press Club
* She wrote for a friend’s website
* She saw me on TV
* She read my blog (x3)
How did I meet my last Jewish girlfriends:
* Yoga
* Shabbat dinner
* Singles ads (x2)
Jewish life is split into so many factions that you can quickly size up whether you’re compatible before you’ve spoken for ten minutes. By contrast, from a Jewish perspective, the goyim tend to blend together.
It’s much easier to fantasize about a shiksa. From a Jewish perspective, they’re a blank slate. You can just project your dreams on to her. It’s easy to imagine that you’re compatible. While if you’re a committed Orthodox Jew, it’s impossible to imagine yourself as compatible with anyone but a fellow Orthodox Jew.
Most shiksas in America will respect your Judaism, while most Jewesses (if they’re not traditional) will most likely despise it. The Jewish women I’ve known who aren’t Orthodox hate Orthodox Judaism, while the non-Jews, more often than not, admire it. The shiksas I’ve dated, for instance, have been interested in making Shabbat while many of the Jews despised it.
Shiksas usually consider Jewish men a great catch because they tend to be sober, hard-working, accomplished, educated and don’t beat their wives. By contrast, never-married Jewish women in their 30s and older will likely have a lot of psychic scars from dating Jewish men. Presumably, no worthy Jewish man has proposed to her. Ergo, Jewish men suck.
* Relating to a shiksa can be a flight from intimacy if you go into it expecting that it won’t work out. That way you don’t get as emotionally invested and your pesky issues may not rise up so severely. It might not hurt as much when it ends.
* Shiksas are different and what is different is frequently erotic, which is how most men make their mating choices.
* With a shiksa, you can take out all your rage at women. You can get back at the church for persecuting Jews. And take your full measure of pleasure at the same time.
* Shiksas are sinful. Not literally, there’s no sin in not being Jewish, but for a Jewish man to sleep with a shiksa is a big sin for the Jewish man. And committing big sins has its own erotic excitement.
* Like Jewish men, Jewish women tend to be educated and accomplished, but while such qualities increase mate choices for the Jewish man, they decrease them for the Jewish woman. Why? Because women are biologically wired to only mate with those above them in social status. So the smart high-achieving Jewish woman as she accomplishes more and more has fewer and fewer mating choices (and those that remain will increasingly likely be Jews).
When I’ve dated Jewish women, my low status in Jewish life quickly became apparent. Being a rebel without a shul is a good topic for blogging, but it’s a lousy foundation for loving (a Jewish woman). Jews on average are going to know me better than non-Jews because I spend more time around them, thus Jewish women have seen through me more quickly than non-Jewish women have.
With the shiksas, we were quickly in an intimate relationship, and when that happens, you hook them with the hot sex so that they don’t think clearly for a few weeks or months. By the time they’ve got clarity about you, you’re ready to move on anyway.
In my last relationship with a Jewish woman, her friends asked her, “How does he an Orthodox Jew handle you being secular?” And she replied, “He’s more interested in my body right now than my mind.”
The stereotype is that Jewish women are sexually cold and that shiksas are more adventurous. That has not been my experience.
* Men crave variety and demographics dictate that there’s going to be more variety among the goyim.
* Men tend to fetishize and the demographic odds are that your fetishes will lead you outside of the Torah Corral.
* Jewish men are tied of the Jewess ball-buster and find it easier to get along with the more feminine Asian archetype, who frequently seem so appreciative of what Jewish men have to offer.
* Shiksas, when you don’t know them, seem uncomplicated. Jewish life, by contrast, is complicated. A synagogue-attending Jew in America lives simultaneously in at least two cultures — Jewish and American. From there, the complications only pile up. Jewish life is challenging. Take it from a public speaker, Jews are more challenging to lecture to than non-Jews. Take it from a convert, it’s challenging to navigate the shoals of Jewish life. By contrast, simple answers a child can understand dominate Christian and Muslim life. Believe in Jesus or follow Mohammed and you can have eternal life. From a Jewish perspective, non-Jews seem uncomplicated and uncomplaining. Dating one can feel relaxing. She’s grateful. She’s appreciative. She’s easy.
* Shiksas tell you to have a nice day. They usually have nice manners. They smell good. They’re allowed to shower on their holy days. They’re more interested in you than in their careers, their causes, and their pets.
* Shiksas are less likely to know you. They might not know you’re a loser. They might not know your back-story, your reputation, your history of failure. They’re less likely to fear a guy with a long Wiki.
* Jewish guys have fewer expectations for the shiksa because, in all likelihood, they’re just for practice.
Judaism is a pragmatic religion focused on daily behavior. Jews influenced by it care less about a person’s theology than his behavior. They’re less likely to believe that someone can turn on a dime. The past is the best predictor of the future. Christianity, by contrast, is romantic. It embraces the sinner and preaches the transformation of the heart. As a result, Christians tend to be loving, forgiving people. I’ve known Christian women who’d do anything with me if I’d allow them first to say a prayer to Jesus. What Jewish guy would forego such a deal?
