The Philosopher And The Poet

So I was at Starbucks and the 18yo poet sat on the other side of the store. Both of our mothers died of cancer. Both of us like to do our own thing. Both of us go one way and our friends go another.

We’ve only spoken once. I read her poem at her invitation one Sunday afternoon.

I don’t want to bother her. I’ve got writing to do. I’m working the Fourth Step — taking a complete and fearless moral inventory. I don’t want to be a creepy old man and ask her if she’s got any more poetry to share. Oldest line in the book.

So I’ve already drained my Treinta Passion Iced Tea with two Splendas and I’m ready for the 50c refill. I get up to snag a napkin and then spread it out on my table. I take off my lid holding the long green straw and carefully place it on my napkin, making sure that no part of the straw touches the bare table.

With my two quarters in hand, I pick up my cup and turn towards the counter, only to find to my horror that I’m dragging my lid and straw with me. I feel awkward as I untangle my mess and I hope she hasn’t seen me struggle. Why do I keep giving away my low social status?

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Hollywood Leaves Hollywood

From Pragertopia.com: “There is no community more liberal than Hollywood. Isn’t it odd then that the studios will do almost anything to avoid California’s high taxes and union work rules? These are the same studio executives and high-paid actors who support high taxes and unions at the ballot box.”

On the first hour of his radio show yesterday, Dennis Prager said: “If there is a less intellectually aware group than the Hollywood left, I don’t know who it is. The dishonesty at the core of Hollywood leftism is so great, there is only one possibility — there is no intellectual or rational basis for leftism in general, it is all felt… Explain to me why the Hollywood left takes so much business away from California and advocates higher taxes?”

That’s easy. Business is business. Much of Hollywood is publicly held corporations. If they did not do what made the most economic sense, their shareholders would revolt and choose a new board.

Why is this behavior by Hollywood any more difficult to explain than free market businessmen taking advantage of tax breaks and government subsidies that they ideologically oppose? The answer is that business is business. Most people understand this and take it for granted. It’s not hypocrisy. It’s understanding that life has different parts. You don’t operate in the boardroom the same way you operate in the bedroom.

Many free market types take government hand-outs. It’s not complicated. Right-wingers take low interest student loans and disability payments and unemployment benefits and even food stamps, even if they ideologically oppose those programs.

Most people view the separate compartments of their lives as separate compartments. This is why Orthodox Jews are no more likely to be honest in business than secular Jews. For Orthodox Jews, some spheres of their lives are holy (some Orthodox Jews strive to make all spheres of life holy) and some spheres are not, such as business.

A man is likely to do things with his mistress and with his girlfriends that he won’t try to do with his wife. Life has separate spheres.

Remember the Robert DeNiro Mafia don in the movie Analyze This? When asked by his psychiatrist why he did not seek oral sex from his wife (as opposed to his mistress), he said, “Those are the lips that kiss my kids.”

Most people understand separate spheres have separate rules.

For 12 years, I wrote about a topic that I would rather not have written about. Why did I write on it? Primarily because it was the only topic I could blog about and make an independent living, free to write whatever I wanted and I didn’t need to take a real job to support myself.

At the same time for a few weeks in 2004, I dated this Christian right-wing free-market economist who worked for some entity that depended on government subsidies. She hated what her employer did, but she needed the job. I accepted her compromise with her ideals. She could not accept my compromise with my ideals.

Almost everyone does this. Almost everyone understands that business is business and you don’t let ideology get in the way of making a buck. Almost everyone understands that in a complicated and demanding world, you can’t always live up to your highest ideals.

I admire those people who strive for their highest ideals in all areas of their lives. Such people are rare. I usually address them as “Rabbi.”

Dennis was totally off in this show. He said: “California Democrats can’t print money. Only Washington Democrats can print money.” False. Only the Federal Reserve can print money. The Obama administration is not responsible for interest rates and the amount of money in circulation.

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JJ: Jewish plaintiffs win Hotel Shangri-La discrimination lawsuit

Jonah Lowenfeld writes: The Hotel Shangri-La in Santa Monica and its owner illegally discriminated against a group of young Jews, a jury in a California Superior Court found on Aug. 15.

The verdict in this closely watched case was read late Wednesday afternoon, at the end of the fifth full day of deliberation by the jury. The jury found that the hotel and its part-owner, Tehmina Adaya, had violated California state law when Adaya and members of her staff brought to an end a party that the plaintiffs had been holding at the hotel’s pool in July 2010.

The jury also decided that most of the plaintiffs had suffered intentionally inflicted emotional distress, and awarded each Adaya and the hotel to pay damages and statutory penalties to each individual plaintiff, which in some cases added up to more than $100,000.

“The jury clearly felt that the defendants acted intentionally, with malice, and discriminated against this group of young Jews, and justice was done,” James Turken, the attorney representing the plaintiffs, said after the verdict was read.

Because the jury found that Adaya and the hotel had “acted with malice, oppression or fraud,” punitive damages may still be awarded to at least some of the individual plaintiffs, as well as to the one business entity on the plaintiffs’ side. The jury is scheduled to decide how much to award the plaintiffs on Thursday.

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What Do I Want In A Woman?

I don’t want to go to bed with Rachel and wake up with Leah. I want someone who does not repulse me when I wake up in the morning and see her without make-up. I don’t want to have to explain when I’m being sarcastic. I don’t want to have to do a lot of explaining period. The more we have in common the better.

I don’t want a woman who’s high maintenance. I’m not high maintenance. I don’t need a ton of care and catering to. I’m solid. Reliable. My behavior isn’t all over the map. I’m predictable.

I want a woman who’s reliable. Someone who reads social cues. Somebody who shows up on time, who pays her bills, is responsible and hard-working. Orthodox Judaism is hard work. I need someone who can shoulder the load.

I want a woman who wants to take what I have to give and a woman who wants to give what I want to take. I want a good loving woman. I want someone who reads books. That way we’re not likely to get bored with each other.

I can bring to the relationship the qualities of the hard-working responsible man with good credit and good health. I’m well-read, curious about life, constantly seeking to grow and to improve. I’m committed to my weekly psycho-therapy and my daily writing, my daily Judaism and my daily 12-step work.

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What Did I Think Love Was?

Love for me has primarily meant romantic love. Sexual love. Agape love is great in real life but it is not the stuff of fantasy. So love for me has primarily been a fantasy rather than a reality, an aching need rather than an actuality, a yearning, a wishing, a desiring, a song, a cloud floating by. My love always has an object, a young attractive female object, who takes away all my pain. Love meant to me connection, union, an escape from loneliness. Love meant rescue. Love meant transcendence from my self-destructive patterns. Love was a high, a fix, a pulsing rock song, a focus for my attention, an obsession.

I first tasted steady reciprocation of my feelings at age 16. It was very sweet but its potential loss set off my jealousy, which doomed my fumbling connection.

What do I think love is now? I fear that my emotional instincts and yearnings are not much changed from my earliest years. I want to suck that breast dry because I have no confidence it will be around later.

My dad says propinquity breeds love. It’s true. Women I’ve considered not worth a second look become over time the most attractive thing in the world. When I get to know a woman, her looks transform.

My relationships have been sobering. I will never be able to relate to somebody on a different level of differentiation aka emotional maturity than myself. I’m stuck with my level. I can’t climb. I’ll have to love somebody as flawed and frightening and dangerous as myself. There’s no escaping my limitations. There’s no salvation in this life.

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What Creates A Sex Addict?

I was struck by these few sentences by Patrick Carnes in his groundbreaking book on sexual addiction called “Out of the Shadows“:

Addicts report that as children they felt desperately lonely, lost, and unprotected. Not only was there a lack of nurturing, but also there was no one to show them how to take care of themselves or keep them from harm. Not being able to count on, depend upon, the adults in one’s life to meet needs is a key element in addiction. As the child matures, there begins a search for that which is dependable — something that you can trust to make you feel better. Trust and dependency are the issues that determine personal strength and confidence of vulnerability to enslaving addiction. For in the lonely search for something or someone to depend on — which has already excluded parents — a child can start to find those things which always comfort, which always feel good, which always are there, and which always do what they promise. For some, alcohol and drugs are the answer. For others it is food. And there is always sex, which usually costs nothing and nobody else can regulate.

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What’s My Role In Judaism?

Sometimes I think I’m the court jester. Other times, I think I have a powerful role. More people read me than hear any Shabbos morning sermon. People don’t treat me trivially.

I remain an outsider. Almost every group I join (with the exception of 12-steps), I’m still an outsider. I could do with ten times as much personal connection in Jewish life.

People read my blog. They come to my talks. I’m a circus attraction. I have a freak appeal. I think I’m slowly moving towards normality, connection.

At times, I fear I’m recreating my father’s stirrer role in Adventism.

Was there any comfort in converting to Judaism? I’m happier since I pulled it off, particularly the Orthodox one in 2009. Much of the rage has dissipated from my blog. Every day, I feel more a part of Judaism. I know my purpose, my community, my direction, and what I’m good at. I know what’s available in Jewish life.

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Why Did I Convert To Judaism?

* I wanted to be part of the most effective group for making a better world. A group that had a divine recipe (Torah).
* I wanted to improve myself.
* I wanted to belong to a transcendent community (without sacrificing my rational inquiry).
* I wanted to benefit from a wise tradition where God was the author.
* I wanted some of that higher quality of life that Jews have.
* I wanted to feel at the center of the world.
* I wanted to get close to Dennis Prager and other great role models I met in Judaism.
* I wanted to get emotionally and intellectually engaged with a tradition, a people, a text, and a country.
* I wanted to be inspired, stimulated and pushed to be more. I wanted guidance and direction.
* I wanted something worthy to struggle with.

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Why Do I Keep Seeking Out Substitute Father Figures?

I was blessed with a good father. My dad is righteous. He’s a rock. He’s reliable. He’s predictable. He’s stable. And with my mother (who died of cancer before I turned four) and my step-mother, he gave us three kids a much better upbringing than he had.

I’ll always be grateful.

My father taught me right from wrong. I didn’t always listen to him, but he implanted good values within me. More importantly, he lived them.

Dad took a great interest in my intellectual development as well. By age eight, I was in love with reading. Dad suggested many great books to me. He tried to dissuade me from wasting so much time following sports and watching TV. When I was nine or ten, he took me to the Avondale College library and explained how it worked. When we moved to Pacific Union College in 1977 when I was 11, he showed me how that library worked as well. Libraries became a second-home for me.

Even though dad always had a frantic schedule, he frequently took time to play with me, be it soccer or Monopoly or the like.

Dad had clear priorities. Number one was God (embodied in Jesus). Number two was family and religious community and health and learning. Dad never had hobbies. He had too much to do. Dad would rest and relax at times but only for the sake of accomplishing more in the long run.

From an early age, I sought the mentorship of older men. I wanted people I could discuss politics and sports with. I wanted to just hang out. Dad was very busy and while he’d always make time for me when I asked, I didn’t want to be a bother. It was easier to seek out other men.

From grade school on, I was frequently more interested in hanging out with the fathers of my friends than with my friends. I loved to just kick back and talk.

I always picked good friends and I always picked good mentors. Even though I’ve never been particularly righteous myself, I always had a good sense of the decency of others and always prefered to surround myself with those who wouldn’t needlessly hurt me.

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I Love The 12-Step Share

I’ve been going to 12-step groups for the past 18 months to find recovery from my emotional addictions.

An integral part of meetings is the “share.” Many meetings will have a lead speaker who’ll give a share from 8-15 minutes on average. He’ll talk about how his addictions ruined his life and how he found recovery through working the program.

A good share is brutally honest. The person talks about his own struggles and which specific parts of the program helped him. A mediocre share is filled with advice-giving, theory and quotations from spiritual masters.

Advice-giving is not the 12-step way. Instead people are encouraged to speak about their own experience and to not give cross-talk commentary on others shares.

Two months ago, for the first time, I was asked to give the lead share. Then a couple of weeks ago, I walked into a meeting and five minutes before it was due to start, I was asked if I would mind substituting for the scheduled speaker who couldn’t make it.

On my first talk, I had a few days to prepare. This time I had but a few minutes. My talk wasn’t as smooth, but I just spoke from the heart, shared what I had struggled with, and related how I had worked the 12-steps and which ones were the most difficult for me, starting with step one.

I grew up a preacher’s kid. I heard hundreds of sermons. Some were inspiring, some were boring. Right now, I prefer the 12-step share where people open up about how their addictions have destroyed their lives and then describe how a power greater than themselves restored them to sanity.

As a writer, I rarely feel comfortable prescribing for others. I’m much more comfortable sharing my own struggles and things that have helped me. Take it or leave it. Your mileage may vary.

My personality, my writing style, my life position, all feel much more comfortable with sharing rather than preaching.

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