Luke Ford

The core of my story is how I realized I was addicted to certain kinds of unhealthy relationships, certain kinds of unhealthy fantasies, and how I discovered in five minutes of therapy last April that my fantasies were not only dooming my relationships, they were poisoning my whole life. Not necessarily the fantasies in and of themselves, but what they reflected — rage at women.

Once I heard the term “eroticized rage” from my therapist, I realized I was sick and needed to get help beyond religion and psycho-therapy, I needed a 12-step program. I realized I had a previously unconscious anger that was interfering with the way I related to people, not just the intimate relationships but all relationships were sickened by my desire to humiliate others. What I found funny, what I found energizing, what I found charged and exciting in life was sick, was disguised rage, was vengeance, particularly vengeance against those who reminded me of things from childhood. There was a thru-line from my jokes to my fantasies to my acting going back to my earliest years, a rebellion against things my conscious mind has no argument with, only gratitude.

In her 1997 book Twelve Step Programs: A Contemporary American Quest for Meaning and Spiritual Renewal, Ann Marie Minnick writes: “…the popular image of Twelve Step Programs as addiction-centered, victim-producing, and narcissism-generating”…

That has not been my experience of such programs. As Winnick points out, identifying addiction is only the beginning of the program, not the end.

In every meeting, I find people in great pain, even agony, over their long-term inability to deal with themselves, other people and the world. They’re unhappy, isolated, ashamed and stuck in patterns that don’t serve them and others. Before they began working the program, they were a menace to themselves and to others. All those I’ve met who’ve worked the program are recovered from their destructive addictions.

There’s a quality of honesty in these rooms that I have not encountered elsewhere. The nearest parallel is a support group. Because of this honesty, people feel unburdened and they can bond quickly with others who share their problems.

In my experience, the ratio of honesty to showing off is about 100 to 1.

In 12-Step Programs, people learn to let go of their resentment against others and their desire to get even (the Fourth Step). If you’re feeling tortured, guilty and ashamed, you’re not going to be a blessing to others. It’s hard to have turmoil on the inside and tranquility on the outside.

At the end of every meeting, I’ve felt — and noticed these qualities in others — an increased sense of calm, well-being and hope. This translates into us being more pleasant generally.

Religious liturgy rarely speaks to me with the power of 12-Step prayers, which feel more relevant, direct and useful.

As far as being victim-producing, the focus in 12-Step work is self-transformation through God’s help, not on blaming others. It’s rare to hear a 12-Step share that’s primarily about blaming others. Most 12-Steppers use their share to talk about their own struggles.

If 12-Step Programs were narcissism-generating, why would they help people? Why would shares focus on what we’re struggling with? Why would we confess our deepest shame and support each other?

Third Step Prayer

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

Eleventh Step Prayer

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace–that where there is hatred, I may bring love–that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness–that where there is discord, I may bring harmony–that where there is error, I may bring truth–that where there is doubt, I may bring faith–that where there is despair, I may bring hope–that where there are shadows, I may bring light–that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted–to understand, than to be understood–to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

My greatest fear is drowning. Not being able to breathe.
My greatest desire is sexual oblivion. Losing myself completely in union with another person. Release. Drained. Sated. Free from my incessant longing.
My greatest fear is heaviness. My greatest desire is lightness.
My fears and desires loop around to meet each other in oblivion. My fear is faith that I will not be enough to meet life’s challenges (12 Steps). My desire is that I will be enough. My fears and desires have in common my will. My fears and my desires, my ego and my will, have combined to place where I am in life, an unsatisfying place.
I will give my fear to God, my resentment to God, my will to God, my desire to God. Not my will, but thy will be done.
After 20 years of a Jewish journey, I’ve circled back to a common affirmation of my Christian childhood. Cliches I was taught then, I now embrace as an Orthodox Jew and a slimy sleazy sex addict in need of God’s grace.