The core of my story is how I realized I was addicted to certain kinds of unhealthy relationships, certain kinds of unhealthy fantasies, and how I discovered in five minutes of therapy last April that my fantasies were not only dooming my relationships, they were poisoning my whole life. Not necessarily the fantasies in and of themselves, but what they reflected — rage at women.
Once I heard the term “eroticized rage” from my therapist, I realized I was sick and needed to get help beyond religion and psycho-therapy, I needed a 12-step program. I realized I had a previously unconscious anger that was interfering with the way I related to people, not just the intimate relationships but all relationships were sickened by my desire to humiliate others. What I found funny, what I found energizing, what I found charged and exciting in life was sick, was disguised rage, was vengeance, particularly vengeance against those who reminded me of things from childhood. There was a thru-line from my jokes to my fantasies to my acting going back to my earliest years, a rebellion against things my conscious mind has no argument with, only gratitude.
