One of my earliest memories of my father finding me at age five flinging manure at other kids and screaming, “I hate you! I hate you!”
I’m rarely out of control, but I can get pretty thin-skinned about teasing. I love to tease others, but I can’t always take it gracefully.
What do I remember about that incident at age five? Just being out of control and reacting with pure rage, trying to dirty other people so that they would match what I was feeling.
I remember that every time my parents put me down for a nap, I would scream and rage until falling asleep.
When I get into an intimate relationship, I have emotional responses that get out of control.
There was that time in seventh grade when my classmates started teasing me. So I got all emotional, stood up in the middle of class, yelled “Shut up!” and walked out.
While I was gone, the teacher asked the kids why they were teasing me. They said, “He teases us all the time.”
I was embarrassed by my reaction, by my inability to take teasing, but even though I knew I should be gracious, I couldn’t handle the ribbing.
Well, my own will is not sufficient. I’m turning my vulnerabilities, my fears, my resentments, over to God.
I’ve done this many times before. Why should now be any different? Well, now I have the 12-step plan for character transformation. I have a specific community me to help. But I could’ve said that 20 years ago as I was starting my Jewish journey. Why is this time any different?
Judaism never asked me to turn my will and my life over to God. It didn’t say that I couldn’t rely on my flawed will power. I can’t rely on just performing my religion. I need a transformation of the heart, even though that sounds Christian. Maybe different strokes work for different folks?
Judaism emphasizes changing specific deeds and that will change your heart. Christian emphasizes changing the heart and then the deeds will follow. The 12-step model is more Christian than Jewish in this respect.
It’s humbling that after my long journey from home I’ve returned to the spiritual emphasis of my childhood on accepting divine grace.
I want to let go of my resentments. They’re perverting my life. I was crude with some girls 18 years ago. I groped them without their consent. Why can’t they let this go? Why do they keep trying to hurt me? I resent the Jews who hate me more than I deserve to be hated. It’s just like second grade when the cool kids didn’t invite me to the cool parties. Why do the cool kids shun me? How do I break into their crowd? I resent being a Palestinian of the soul, living in the Gaza Strip of social opprobrium. I understand suicide bombers. They’re losers who want to feel important. Community leaders come to them and say they can be important, their families can have honor, if they only blow themselves up amidst the enemy.
Resentment leaves no room in my life for God. I can’t be of service to others when I’m full of resentment. If I don’t turn this crap over to God, I’ll remain miserable.
How frustrating I must’ve been for various rabbis and shuls. I flagrantly and publicly violated their standards while simultaneously trying to secure my Orthodox conversion. I was gross. I was crude. I spoiled many a Shabbat with my antics. I just pursued my own will, my own desires, my own wants, my own ends, without consideration of others. I’m constantly grasping for attention. That might get me into more trouble than any other character defect. Self-seeking. That’s the thread that runs through my whole life. Trying to put myself ahead of others usually results in placing me behind them. My bids for glory get me into the most trouble.
What do I fear? Dying alone. Social ostracism. Illness. Death. Waste of my potential. Loneliness. Shame. Harming innocent people. Embarrassment. Being revealed as a fraud. Letting down people who’ve been good to me. Poverty. Homelessness. Dependence. Bankruptcy. Pursuing my own desires without limit, without conscience. When I’m afraid, I tend to lie.
