My Greatest Fears And Desires

My greatest fear is drowning. Not being able to breathe.
My greatest desire is sexual oblivion. Losing myself completely in union with another person. Release. Drained. Sated. Free from my incessant longing.
My greatest fear is heaviness. My greatest desire is lightness.
My fears and desires loop around to meet each other in oblivion. My fear is faith that I will not be enough to meet life’s challenges (12 Steps). My desire is that I will be enough. My fears and desires have in common my will. My fears and my desires, my ego and my will, have combined to place where I am in life, an unsatisfying place.
I will give my fear to God, my resentment to God, my will to God, my desire to God. Not my will, but thy will be done.
After 20 years of a Jewish journey, I’ve circled back to a common affirmation of my Christian childhood. Cliches I was taught then, I now embrace as an Orthodox Jew and a slimy sleazy sex addict in need of God’s grace.