Lewis Fein’s brother Barry blogs:
I remember it like it was yesterday, coming to America via Ellis Island. I had my ticket pinned to my sport coat. We were in search of a better life. A life where my brother could have a real Rolex and not a fake one from a store in Teaneck.
Seriously, I think my outfit came from a dumpster behind a Greek restaurant.
Whenever I worry about letting someone in my life, I just send them to Brad A. Greenberg’s profile of me in the Aug. 3, 2007 Jewish Journal. It is very economical. Most women are scared away. The rest I visit at the asylum.
Evan Gahr writes: "Far from scaring off chicks this piece is likely to make them more inclined to act upon any star f***er tendencies they already have. The piece makes you look like a celebrity journalist. Or at least a celebrated journalist. Sending prospective concubines to your Wikipedia entry might help also."
Yeah, well, it didn’t work that way. No woman approached me after that article and several I was going to date freaked out and ran away.
It used to be that a big play in the media could guarantee some fleeting happiness for Your Moral Leader. Times have changed.
This article shook me up more than the others — even the vicious ones — because this was a Jewish paper in my hometown and everyone in shul reads it. What they found in the article did not thrill them. It did not make them want to give me their daughters in marriage. I didn’t even get a Shabbos meal invite out of it. At least I got that when I was named Hustler magazine’s Asshole of the month in 1999 Holiday issue.
As for the Wikipedia entry, that doesn’t do more any favors either. One word why: Ruff!
Lewis Fein’s brother Barry has a blog: barryrides.blogspot.com.
There’s a poignant photo of young Lewis with his brother. "I think my brother was showing me love in the same way Lennie would show a rabbit love."
Some people would think it is insane to go on vacation in the town you live. I was one of those people until this past weekend. Fearing what would happen if I said no, I allowed my brother to take me for the weekend to the Beverly Hills Hotel. If I wasn’t related and the same sex, I would have definitely assumed I would have had to put out for such an extravagant trip. Well at least not the same sex. I am giving my brother the benefit of the doubt here. As far as being related, come on, everyone has a cousin they want to bang. The weekend had everything I could have dreamed of in a vacation. There was a visit to the hospital, a Smokey and the Bandit Trans Am, bagels and lox, a dog shitting in the hotel room, cigars, and a motorcycle with a sidecar. If there had been a monkey knife fight I would have assumed I had died and gone to heaven.
So where do I begin. This might end up being a crazy long post. I am going to try and write everything in order but I am sure I will screw some of it up. Who gives a shit? Not like you can prove I didn’t fight a ninja on my last night in the hotel.
A bit of a background on the trip and why it happened. My brother really wanted to go somewhere for Memorial Day weekend. He just didn’t want to fly or drive anywhere far. Since we like eating at the Beverly Hills Hotel so much it seemed like a logical choice. The goal was to relax, eat well, and go for car rides to parts of LA we hadn’t been to before. It was just me, my brother and a loaner Welsh Terrier named Terry the entire weekend.
I caught this comedy of manners at Sony tonight.
Tagline: Do you know what really goes on in the mind of the person with whom you sleep?
Plot: A 1940s-set drama where an adulterous man plots his wife’s death instead of putting her through the humiliation of a divorce.
I found the movie upsetting (here’s my video review). I can’t just watch something passively. I always see myself on screen and this happily married guy screwing around on his wife bothered me. I don’t want to waste my life screwing around and creating comedies on my blog.
New Entry for the 2008 Dictionary: Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
The last best hope for the Clintons is to hone in on residual racial fears of white women. White women over age 45 vote (especially those past menopause who have nothing to do) and they still feel uneasy about putting a black man in the white house. The only problem is that Obama is hardly black – he is, like Joe Biden said, clean, well spoken – he is Denzel Washington, not Chris Rock. But both Denzel and Chris are black and the fact is that older white women (younger white women are too tolerant) have some subliminal issues with black men, and all Hillary should keep doing is hone in on Obama’s lack of experience, lack of content, and lack of being around the block, meaning – lack of being white.
Clinton may have lost the black vote – Obama took 80% of it in South Carolina, that is unprecedented and he is invulnerable with regard to blacks. Clinton’s strength are women with similarly problematic thighs whose husbands are sex addicts, she must get that vote motivated. The rest, like youth, gays, labor, etc, she can afford to split with Obama – she can close this thing out after super Tuesday if she can take the big states in which there are fewer blacks.
On the Republican side, it is finally dawning that with Iraq off the radar screen and two truly miserable candidates on the other side (Hillary has got to be the most awful person in the world and Obama does not have the experience to moderate traffic in a desert), the republican nominee might win. And the way to win the republican primary is to run to the right. That means that Giuliani is done, he cannot attract the right, and Huckabee who could attract the right, has no money and no following to do so. Romney, a friggin Mormon, might just take it. McCain is too old and too subject to dirty tricks.
Rumor is that Rabbi Dov Fischer www.rabbidov.com at the Irvine Beth Jacob is on the outs and should be gone soon. He is like the Brad Artson of the orthodox world, with his own website.
Larry Yudelson went to school with Dov Fischer. Sometimes they must wonder, where did the love go?
Evan Gahr emails:
You don’t offer any evidence for your assumption that white women can’t countenance the idea of a black men in the White House. The theory sounds plausible but it could be all wrong. A carefully constructed argument can have internal logic but still be entirely wrong.
That’s why I never was interested in doing any political punditry. It’s by definition speculative.
Also, the same group of older white women you mention could also be more likely to identify with Hillary because she’s an older woman also.
So it’s not clear if they are voting for Hillary or against Obama or something in between.
Evan, I didn’t offer any evidence because I don’t need to worry about evidence. You belong to the reality-based community. Like President Bush, I am part of the faith-based community. We change reality and thereby the evidence.
Publishers Weekly says: "NPR host Sagal (Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me) offers a hilarious, harmlessly prurient look at the banality of regular people’s strange and wicked pleasures. In the wake of the late-1990s obsession with other people’s fun, notes Sagal, the hoi polloi have pursued their own indulgences, such as sex joints, swinging couples’ clubs, gambling and pornography. He describes the three necessary elements of vice that distinguish it from sin and give it that irresistible frisson: social disapprobation, actual pleasure and shame. A buttoned-up journalist and family man, Sagal visits the respective dens of inequity, interviewing the principals in the name of research while preserving his academic irony, e.g., during the shooting of a hardcore porn sequence for Spice TV, he remarks of the actors: I began to appreciate how very well Evan and Kelly did their work. Indeed, the dedicated hedonists, such as the regular joe habitués of San Francisco’s Power Exchange or the normal-seeming couples who frequent the Swinger’s Shack, face the same problems of meeting supplies, logistics, expense versus income, and time management as does any warehouse foreman. Sagal is a terrific, lively writer, and while some of his segments are repetitive and stretched, he is admirable in humanizing the participants."
I call Peter Monday evening. He’s on a plane about to take off. Here’s the audio from my tape recorder of death. It sounds like we’re talking underwater.
In his book, Peter calls me a "weirdly obsessive historian of porn, imagine James Boswell, if Boswell were a conflicted religious Jew who followed porn stars around rather than Samuel Johnson)…"
Yep, a real Torah weirdo, as Rabbi Aryeh Markman would say.
Peter: "I love to write what I don’t know."
Luke: "What surprised you in your research?"
Peter: "People ask me a lot. I was never, ‘Ohmigod, I can’t believe people do that!’ It was more a confirmation of what I expected, that all the people I talked to were basically people with all the same anxieties. I don’t know if you know Nina Hartley. You know a lot of these people. You’ve spent your life there, certainly your writing career. I had the experience that you’ve probably had a million times and it doesn’t even surprise you anymore that you talk to them and they turn out to be people. Nina will talk your head off about her family, her first triad marriage…"
"I kept getting interested in them as people."
"Whatever you think about them morally, practically they are a part of our economy. There’s no reason to shun anybody morally that has been capitalistically so accepted. We should treat these people as any other kind of professionals. We should demand humane working conditions… Not that this would be a career choice I’d recommend to my daughters."
"There’s an analogy to the way we think about gay people. There are probably a lot of people who think gay people are immoral. Good luck to you considering how ubiquituous and accepted gay people are in every facet of life. Everybody who thinks they’re bad is better off sitting in a corner and talking to themselves."
Luke: "Do you think human nature is basically good or bad?"
Peter: "Jeez. I don’t know if I am in any position to judge that. In the book, I try to avoid making any generalization about that. None of the people I spoke to were bad. They were pursuing their own dreams and capitalistic goals with an enviable determination and ambition that I can’t help admire. None of them were in the business of hurting anyone else unless they want to be hurt. If there is evil in the world, it ain’t the people I’m writing about. They’re not the problem."
"Out of all the experiences I had, I found the Power Exchange [San Francisco s-m club] the most depressing…because it was a scam. I saw a lot of guys and talked to… They were expecting something they weren’t going to get. People’s vulnerabilities to their own desires is a sad topic. There’s a certain sadness in all porn because it is about a fantasy most people will never attain. People spend too much time trying to attain that fantasy rather than getting on with their real lives."
Dear friends,
I am extending my moral leadership to questions of kashrut.
As you may remember, a question arose a couple of months ago concerning the status of the non-glatt kosher meats being produced by the Rubashkin company. (These are available in our community at Doheny Kosher, at Eilat Market, and at Trader Joe’s.) The supervision of non-glatt meat is actually more complicated than the supervision of glatt meat, (as discerning between acceptable and unacceptable imperfections in the animal is more difficult than simply rejecting all imperfections) and at this time I have some questions as to the status of the supervision. I have been working with the RCC to try to resolve these questions, and hope that the situation will clarify in the near future.
For the time being, and until clarity about the supervision can be attained, I believe that our communities should refrain from using the non-glatt meat. THERE IS NO NEED TO KASHER ANYTHING, OR TO DISPOSE OF MEAT YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE PURCHASED, rather to hold off on purchasing and eating it pending the conclusion of the inquiry.
Joe emails:
Hi Luke,
Before you mention Doheny Kosher as selling questionable meat, you may want to check with them regarding which meat they sell. While they do not have glatt kosher supervision, much (all?) of their meat from Rubashkin’s is glatt.
If you want to investigate kashrut, you should investigate why KAJ removed their supervision at Agriprocessors. (Or is that what you are referring to when you speak of the questionable kashrut status of non-glatt meat from Rubashkin’s?)
Or maybe you would want to look into why the RCC will only certify glatt kosher establishments, or why the OU marks David’s Sunflower seeds OUD.
I’ve put aside the sacred texts to produce this Jane Fonda-style workout video to the theme of Rocky.
Chaim Amalek writes:
If you were more entrepreneurial, you would be rich!
Think: baseball trading cards but with rabbis instead of sportsmen.
Think: a series of photos of homeless men.
Think: a table book with photos of the homeless mixed in with photos of the rabbinate.
Khunrum emails:
Luke, I believe we all applaud your new fitness regimen. Btw How many laps around The Hovel makes a mile?
You should walk in to the various shuls that have barred you, Camera of Death ON. You film them throwing you out. You remind them that they did the same thing to Jesus and you wouldn’t want to see them making another mistake. You ask Rabbi Weil if can recommend a decent stable where you might spend the night with your pregnant wife. You get the idea.
WASHINGTON—In the midst of a fiercely competitive race to be America’s top Republican-Jewish blogger, an increasingly depressed Luke Ford shocked Orthodox insiders Monday when he released a new national attack ad targeting himself.
The ad, which is scheduled to air across the country this week on video sharing services such as youtube, features an unshaven and visibly crestfallen Ford taking himself to task on a number of key issues, including narcissism, teeth grinding, lashon hara, the validity of Orthodox conversion, his respect for the sanctity of the synagogue, and "what’s the use of even trying anymore?"
"Luke Ford says he wants to be Your Moral Leader. He says he’s embodies Orthodox Judaism," begins the self-destructive television spot, narrated by Ford himself. "But from 1997-2007, he made most of his income from blogging about the porn industry. On numerous occasions he promised his rabbis he was quitting and then he went back on his word. He betrayed Dennis Prager and he uses his blog to insult his community’s holiest members. And do you know why he does that? Because he’s a big fat disappointment, that’s why."
"Ugh," the television spot continues. "I’d go back to bed if only I had a bed…"
The ad goes on to list many of Ford’s alleged failures as a Jew in bold white text scrolling over a black background, set to the sound of soft weeping.
Running 60 seconds, including 15 full seconds of long, world-weary sighs, Ford’s latest ad is reportedly his most ruthless. Blasting himself for a wide range of moral shortcomings, from onanism to being unable to remember the last time he put on tefillin, the blogger is said to hold nothing back.
"Strength, commitment, hope for a brighter future—you’re looking at the wrong goddamn guy," asserts the television spot, as a still, unflattering image of Ford is struck with a large red "PATHETIC" stamp-graphic. "Do you know what I did yesterday? No, not blog. I ate a gallon of non-kosher ice cream. That’s right, the whole damn thing."
"Is this who you want running your life for the next four years?" asks the damaging spot. "Someone who can’t even run a simple microwave without crying?"
In addition to verbal jabs, Ford’s ad uses several visual aids to call his character into question. Numerous ex-girlfriends say Ford cheated on them. Moments before the ad’s conclusion, an onscreen chart helps viewers tally the number of times the Orthodox candidate has lain awake at night reliving past humiliations, while a 3-D computer model illustrates just how low Ford has reportedly sunk as a "relentless failure" in the past month.
Video footage from a recent meeting of the blogger with the RCC Beit Din is also shown, though much of its audio is drowned out by Ford, who criticizes himself throughout, saying, "Nice answer, jerk," and "God, you really don’t know what the hell you’re doing, do you?"
"I’m Luke Ford," the television spot concludes. "And sadly, I approve this message."
Though early reaction to the attack ad has been negative, with many calling it unfair and even senseless, Ford has thus far stood his ground, claiming that the Jewish people deserve to hear the truth.
"The men and women of this great nation have a right to know what’s really going on out there," Ford announced as he stood behind a series of campaign posters bearing his new campaign slogan, "Anyone Else," late Monday afternoon. "If that means telling them that sometimes I lack the strength to change my clothes for three, even four straight days, then so be it."
According to MSNBC chief Jewish analyst Barbara Schleisser, Ford’s self-directed smear campaign is likely to hurt his chances with the ladies.
"In today’s well-informed society, attack ads rarely work and often do more damage to the person running them than his or her target," Schleisser said. "Then again, you can only hear someone call himself a worthless sack of shit so many times before you start believing it."
If you check out the picture of Poland’s consul general you’ll understand the problem.
At one time, we hated each other. Now we’re shtupping each other. Is there no happy medium?
I must congratulate the Jewish Journal for livening up their typical funereal style.
In a groundbreaking collegial but hard-hitting conference sponsored by the UCLA Center for Jewish Studies, a slate of top scholars, public officials, diplomats and Polish Jewish community leaders met to discuss the controversial and complicated relationship of Poles and Jews.
Titled "From Past to Present: The State of Research in Polish-Jewish Relations," the international conference held Jan. 13 and 14 was originally envisioned as a closed, scholarly gathering around a conference table. But the topic generated such intense interest that it was moved to large hot tubs at the W to accommodate the approximately 20 conference participants and overflow crowds of up to 150 people all wearing nothing but their underwear.
"Few historical relationships are as complex as that between Poles and Jews. The Poles see themselves as prime victims of the Nazi onslaught. The Jews see themselves as the prime victims, adding the belief that the Poles were often willing collaborators," said David N. Myers, director of the UCLA Center for Jewish Studies.
"I think the time has come to stop bashing one another," Rabbi Biggus Dikkus said, "and start loving each other, even if this entail some compromises with our holy Torah."
The conference consisted of three academic panels, a reception and mutual reacharounds. What made it unique, however, in addition to the invitation to the public, was the format of the panels — all held in swedish saunas with champagne all round.
The younger Jewish scholars had access to troves of new Polish maidens eager to become American. After making the hated goyim shave their heads like Britney Spears and sit in sackloth and ashes for a few weeks, the Jews took their rightful place as humanity’s master race.
The historians presented papers on particularly horny issues in Polish-Jewish dialogue. Darci More of Yale University, for example, spoke on "Zydokomuna: The Family Romance of ‘Judeo-Bolshevism.’"
Zydokomuna, essentially an untranslatable word meaning Jewish communist, is fraught with the anti-Semitic accusation that the Jews were responsible for the introduction and operation of communism in Poland. More asserted that this was not necessarily a stereotype, citing the example of Nina Hartley, the Jewish hooker and unreconstructed marxist.
Rob Eshman’s online surrogate emails: "That’s "thorny" not "horny" you horndog."
No, it is the Jewish Journal that made the typo. Take the moat out of your eye before you try to take the speck out of mine. He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone. I and the Father are one. None come to the Father but through me.
