I Talk About The Bernard Madoff Scam With Marc German

Listen to the whole thing here:

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Shortness Of Breath

Whenever I see a doctor or an acupuncturist or just random hot girls on the street, they’re always asking me if I have shortness of breath.

It’s become one of those questions that I just automatically say no to without thinking it through.

So I’m walking back from Kaiser today after getting some blood drawn and I start to feel shortness of breath. Then I remember nights where I’d sit up in bed gulping for air. Then I think about all the times I’ve said no, I don’t have shortness of breath. I panic and feel that I need to run back to all my doctors and acupuncturists and tell them I’ve had shortness of breath.

Oy, the horror! The horror!

Now I’m wondering what is the difference between shortness of breath and a panic attack?

And these questions are whirling around in my head and are giving me, you guessed it, shortness of breath.

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Bernie Madoff’s Victims

Here is one list.
Another list Here’s a tax filing from the now defunct Robert I. Lappin Charitable Foundation, which invested with Madoff

From a secret source:

HSBC "has emerged as one the largest victims of Bernard Madoff’s alleged fraud with potential exposure of about $1bn…HSBC’s exposure stemmed from loans it provided to institutional clients, mainly hedge funds of funds, that wanted to invest with Mr Madoff. HSBC’s direct exposure is believed to be about $1bn in loans provided to clients who invested some $500m of their own funds in Mr Madoff’s venture. Under the typical terms of these deals, if the USauthorities recover any funds from Mr Madoff, HSBC will be paid first, with its clients suffering the first tranche of losses." (FT:)

Access International.  $1.4 billion

Fortis Bank. $1.4 billion

Man Group’s RMF division has about $350m invested in funds which outsourced their management to Madoff securities, although this is a tiny fraction of the division’s $25bn of assets. (FT)

Tremont Capital. Fund of funds. $3.3 billion invested.  (FT)

Pioneer Investments, an arm of Italy’s UniCredit, had “substantially all” of $835m invested with Madoff. (FT)

Union Bancaire Privet: $1.1 billion

Benbasset & Cie: $935 million

BBVA: $404 million

Maxam Capital Management LLC.  Combined loss of $280 million. "I’m wiped out," said Sandra Manzke, Maxam’s founder and chairman. The Darien, Conn., fund of hedge funds will have to close as a result of the losses, she said. (WSJ)

Fairfield Greenwich Group.  Bloomberg: The biggest loser may be Walter Noel’s Fairfield Greenwich Group, whose $7.3 billion Fairfield Sentry Ltd. invested with Madoff’s eponymous firm, three people familiar with the matter said… Fairfield Sentry has a record of more than 15 years with an annual return of 4 to 6 percentage points above benchmark interest rates, according to a marketing document dated this month that was prepared by Zurich-based NPB New Private Bank Ltd. On an absolute basis, returns exceeded 10 percent every year from 1991 through 2000. Since then, they ranged from 6.4 percent to 9.8 percent…The strategy is a “split-strike conversion,” where the investment manager buys shares of large U.S. companies and enters into options contracts to limit the risk, the document says.

Fix Asset Management.  Bloomberg: Fix Asset Management, which had an account worth at least $400 million with Madoff Investments. The firm said it’s checking with lawyers about the holdings. “We are very shocked,” John Fix, the son of founder Charles Fix, said by phone from Greece. “We put in redemptions in the past few months and got our money back no problem. We are just so surprised about all this.”

Kingate Management Ltd.  Bloomberg says $2.8 billion Kingate Global Fund Ltd. invested with Madoff.

Santander. WSJ: The eurozone’s largest bank by market value, said its clients had an exposure of €2.33 billion ($3.1 billion) to Madoff’s investment funds, mainly through its Optimal Strategic US Equity fund. More than €2 billion belongs to institutional investors and international clients of its private-banking business, which provides services to wealthy individuals, it said. The remaining €320 million belongs to private-banking customers in Spain, whereSantander is based.

Thyssen Family.  Source sends the following: Thybo Investments grew out of a family office for Thyssen. They have been in fund of funds it seems since 1989. Thybo International is a "proper" fund of fund but it’s newer share class G invests only in one manager – and i’m 99% sure it’s Madoff as the returns are almost the same. Some more info. The fund started in Jan 2007.  Ernst & Young. Luxembourg  are the auditors. UBS Luxembourg is the administrator.  Thybo states on their webpage: "Our track record incorporates audited financial statements at both a composite firm-wide and individual portfolios level."

Ira Roth’s family.  WSJ: Ira Roth, a New Jersey resident, who says his family has about $1 million invested through Mr. Madoff’s firm, is "in a state of panic." He said his 86-year-old mother-in-law has been living on the investments’ returns, and he has been using the funds to pay college tuition.

Sterling Equities. Fund controlled by Fred Wilpon, co-owner of the NY Mets, confirms it had money with Madoff.

Stephen Abbott, a San Francisco lawyer.  WSJ: [Abbott] and two siblings had several hundred thousand dollars invested with Mr. Madoff. They inherited the trust from their father, who had befriended Mr. Madoff years ago. Performance remained steady through the current bear market, he said. "People were floored," he says. "We were making money in this lousy market." He says he is concerned about recovering the money but "you have to get philosophical about this stuff. It could be worse; we still have our health."

Palm Beach Country Club.  Source: CNBC’s David Faber

Lawrence Velvel, "69, dean of the Massachusetts School of Law, said he and a friend may have lost millions of dollars between them (AP). "This is a major disaster for a lot of people," Velvel said in a telephone interview from hisAndover, Mass., office. "You work all your life, you finally manage to save up something, and somebody who’s entrusted with it, it turns out suddenly he’s a crook. Lots of people are getting fully or partially wiped out." Velvel said he wants to know where government regulators, as well as accountants and others at Madoff’s company, were when the money was being lost." (AP)

Loeb Family. Source: CNBC’s David Faber

J. Ezra Merkin. GMAC LLC Chairman. WSJ: Mr. Merkin, the chairman of former General Motors Corp. financing arm GMAC, is also a money manager at Ascot Partners LLC in New York. Ascot, which had $1.8 billion under management as of Sept. 30, had substantially all of its assets invested with Mr. Madoff, according to a letter to Mr. Merkin sent to clients Thursday night. Mr. Merkin said as one of the largest investors in Ascot, he believed he had personally "suffered major losses from this catastrophe."

Norman Braman. Former Philadelphia Eagles owner

Leonard Feinstein, co-founder of retailer Bed Bath & Beyond. (WSJ)

Mort Zuckerman. Mr. Zuckerman, the chairman of real-estate firm Boston Properties and owner of the New York Daily News and U.S. News & World Report, had significant exposure through a fund that invested substantially all of its assets with Mr. Madoff (WSJ)

Richard Spring WSJ: A Boca Raton resident and former securities analyst, says he had about $11 million — or 95% of his net worth — invested with Mr. Madoff. "That’s how much I believed in him," Mr. Spring said.

Elie Wiesel’s Foundation For Humanity.  Lost $37 million.

Members of half-a-dozen country clubs:  WSJ: "Mr. Madoff tapped social networks in Dallas, Chicago, Boston and Minneapolis. In Minnesota, he attracted investors from Hillcrest Golf Club of St. Paul and Oak Ridge Country Club in Hopkins, investors say. One of them estimated that investors from the two clubs may have invested more than $100 million combined. One of the largest clusters of Madoff investors was in Florida, where losses could be substantial. Mr. Madoff relied on a network of friends, family and business colleagues to attract investors. According to investors and agents, some of these agents were paid commissions for harvesting investors. Others had separate, lucrative business relationships with Mr. Madoff. "If you were eating lunch at the club or golfing, everyone was always talking about how Madoff was making them all this money," one investor says. "Everyone wanted to sign up." Jeff Fischer, a top divorce attorney in Palm Beach, says many of his clients were also Mr. Madoff’s clients. "Every big divorce that came through my office had portfolio positions with Madoff," he says. Two of his investors said that among his clients, Mr. Madoff was considered a money-management legend; they would joke that if Mr. Madoff was a fraud, he’d take down half the world with him."

Bramdean Alternatives in the U.K.  9% of portfolio.

Banque Benedict Hentsch, Geneva-based private bank, $47.5 million.

Nomura and Neue Privat Bank. "Marketed access to Fairfield Sentry Ltd., a fund overseen by Mr. Madoff and sold through Fairfield Greenwich. The shares offered by Neue Privat and Nomura were leveraged three times — meaning $3 of borrowed money was added to every $1 of capital invested in order to magnify returns, greatly increasing the potential losses for those investors." (WSJ)

Unicredit. The Italian firm had unspecified amount with Madoff via its Dublin-based Pioneer alt-asset group. (MarketWatch)

Sen. Frank Lautenberg. Unspecified (Newsday).

Robert Lappin Foundation in Massachusetts closed its doors today and is citing relationship to Maddoff fund. $8MM foundation plus personal holdings. Foundation supported Jewish organizations throughout North Shore of Massachusetts. (source: Jewish Journal)

Wunderkinder Foundation, a Steven Spielberg charity. In the past the foundation "appears to have invested a significant portion of its assets with Mr. Madoff, based on regulatory filings. In 2006, the Madoff firm accounted for roughly 70% of the foundation’s interest and dividend income, according to regulatory filings. A representative of Mr. Spielberg confirmed that the foundation has suffered losses on its investments with the Madoff firm. He said he didn’t know the size of the losses and couldn’t comment further, including on whether Mr. Spielberg had any of his own money invested with the Madoff firm." WSJ

BNP Paribas. "BNP Paribas’s exposure, the extent of which is not clear, may stem from BNP’s lending relationship with a fund of funds that was a big Madoff client, said people familiar with the matter. A BNP spokeswoman declined to comment." WSJ: BNP, France‘s largest bank by market value, said it could lose as much as 350 million euros as a result of the alleged fraud. The bank said it has no investment of its own in the hedge funds managed by Bernard Madoff Investment Services. BNP Paribas, however, said it is exposed to these funds through its trading business and lending to hedge funds that had invested in Madoff’s funds.

Ira Rennert. Vicky Ward of Vanity Fair, said on CNBC."Heavily, heavily invested."

Englebardt family of Los Angeles. (Reader)

Swiss private bank Reichmuth & Co. "said its clients had an exposure of some 385 million Swiss francs to Madoff funds. The bank said Reichmuth Matterhorn, a fund that invests in other hedge funds, faced a potential loss of about 8.6% on its exposure to Madoff. That amount represented about 3.5% of the 11 billion Swiss Francs Reichmuth & Co. has under management, the bank said." (WSJ)

Union Bancaire Privee. UBP spokesman said the bank’s clients have "limited" losses related to Madoff, but wouldn’t be more specific or comment further. (WSJ)

EIM Group, the European investment manager with about $11 billion in assets, had a number of non-U.S. investors into funds overseen by Mr. Madoff, according to people familiar with the matter. Overall, EIM assets at risk are less than 2% of what it manages, which means losses could top $200 million. (WSJ).

UBS: ""Very limited" direct exposure to the Madoff funds…But the Zurich-based bank’s wealth-management arm helped clients in Europe and possibly elsewhere invest with Mr. Madoff, according to investment professionals in Europewho spoke with some of these clients. UBS is currently reviewing its clients’ exposure to Mr. Madoff’s funds, according to the person familiar with the matter. The person said the funds weren’t on UBS’s list of "recommended" investments for its U.S. clients, but that they may have been among the firm’s suggested investments for overseas clients." (WSJ)

Stephen A. Fine, president of Biltrite Corp. (Reader)

Avram and Carol Goldberg, former owners of the Stop & Shop supermarket chain (Reader)

Helfman family of Miami. (Reader)

Saul Katz, co-owner of the New York Mets.

Irwin Kellner, of Port Washington. (Reader)

Carl and Ruth Shapiro, donors to Brandeis University, and Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. The Boston Globe reported on Saturday that the Shapiro family foundation lost almost half its money, or about $145 million.

Fairfield County, Connecticut Bloomberg: First Selectman Ken Flatto and other elected officials in Fairfield, Connecticut, thought the 58,000- person town’s pension fund was holding up well amid the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.  The 18 percent decline in total assets since the end of June looked smart compared with the 31 percent plunge in the Standard & Poor’s 500 Index, and total assets of $286 million left a cushion over the $270 million of estimated liabilities. Flatto’s mood darkened yesterday when he heard Bernard Madoff, a Wall Street executive who oversaw $42 million of the assets, had been arrested and charged with fraud.  “We classified this on our portfolio as one of the more conservative investments,” Flatto said in an interview. “You rely on your experts and your managers to be honest.”

Royal Bank of Scotland: $330 million

Nomura: $302 million

Aozora Bank: $137 million

Various Boston families: The Boston Globe.

Jeff Katzenberg. Dreamworks CEO has "millions" in Madoff losses. (WSJ)

Gerald Breslauer.  Jeff Katzenberg and Steven Spielberg’s financial advisor. WSJ: According to people familiar with the matter, Mr. Breslauer himself has likely sustained heavy losses in the Madoff affair. He customarily invests alongside his clients, say these people, and has sometimes been a larger investor than the people he represented. People familiar with the matter said Mr. Breslauer was known to be a Madoff investor.

Yeshiva University lost $100 million to $110 million. (NYT)

Jewish Federation of Greater Washington said it had $10 million invested with Mr. Madoff, about 8 percent of its endowment as of Nov. 30. The organization said it would work to recover the money. (NYT)

North Shore-Long Island Jewish Health System: $5.7 million exposure to Madoff Securities in the form of a gift from a donor who insisted that it be invested that way. “The donor who contributed the funds has graciously agreed to reimburse the health system for any financial loss,” the organization said in a statement. (NYT)

Ramaz School lost some $6 million invested with Mr. Madoff, according to a letter sent to board members and two parents whose children attend the school. (NYT)

SAR Academy, a Jewish school in the Bronx, had roughly a third of its $3.7 million in assets invested with Mr. Madoff, according to an e-mail message it sent to donors and parents. (NYT)

Chais Family Foundation in Encino, Calif., announced over the weekend that its losses had forced it to stop operating, according to the Jewish Telegraphic Agency. The foundation had $178 million in assets in May 2007, according to its tax form. (NYT)

JEHT Foundation. May have lost hundreds of millions. Will cease operations. (NYT)

Arpad Busson. Uma Thurman’s billionaire fiance runs hedge fund, EIM, which was reportedly exposed to roughly $270 million of products sold by Madoff (Mail on Sunday)

More as we get them…

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Who Is Dean Rotbart?

I keep seeing the name "Dean Rotbart" in the Jewish Journal.

So I use Google to try to get a handle on who he is.

I find this bio, which I assume he wrote: "We are also very proud to have such a visionary leader in our Founder and Chairman, Dean Rotbart. Mr. Rotbart is a former Pulitzer Prize nominated Wall Street Journal investigative reporter…"

The bloke sounds like a total wanker. Anybody can be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. Anybody. You just fill out a form and you send in a fee. What’s the big deal?

PS. For the first time, thousands of people want to read the JewishJournal.com this week because of its superb coverage of the Madoff affair. Unfortunately, most of them can’t because the Journal website can’t handle the traffic load. The paper must be shocked that so many people want it and they don’t know how to handle the love.

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Bloggers Should Take Lessons From Rock Stars

Here’s a thought-provoking piece from the Columbia Journalism Review:

He takes the stage clad in a black turtleneck. his famous line is, “Green is the new red, white, and blue.” Tonight, and other nights, he is paid tens of thousands of dollars to perform. He spent a year touring America, adding China for good measure. When he returns home, he lands in an 11,400-square-foot house.

He’s not a rock star, although his life resembles that of one. He is Thomas Friedman, author, newspaperman, star commenter. His ascent is part and parcel of a period in which newspapers may train even their lowliest reporters for media appearances. Journalists these days grin under pancake make-up, speak in emphatic and punchy sentences, and videotape themselves for YouTube. In short, they sometimes succeed when they tear a page from performers’ scripts.

It got me thinking: Could one ailing media industry—music—teach another ailing media industry—journalism—a thing or two about survival?

I think the most resourceful strategies of musicians can help us. The first thing that writers might copy from musicians—even more than they do already—could be called the Free Culture Method.

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Change The Senate To ‘House of Lords’

Charles Krauthammer said on Fox News today that that is what it has become with inherited seats. Joe Biden is having a seatwarmer for two years before turning it over to his son (who’s in Iraq for two years). Now Caroline Kennedy expects Hillary Clinton’s seat.

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Bernie Madoff Scandal

Joe emails:

This is what is known as a complete unmitigated disaster. The lawyers are gearing up for battle to find out who Madoff gave money to while he was on the verge of collapse, but that is hardly the real issue, although numerous New York law firms are putting together Madoff Working Groups to try and drum up some revenue by feeding on the carrion flesh.

The real issue is how the board of a charity, who are not only entrusted with other people’s money, they are entrusted with other people’s money for the benefit of other people, disregarded the duty of due care of obtaining some basic disclosure from Madoff.

If I was a contributor to the Jewish Community Foundation, I would demand an immediate production of exactly where the money is. The days of trusting another person with your money based on reputation is over. Actually, it was over with the advent of the internet. Any person holding another person’s money should be required to make available statements. If the government will not require it, private investors should, and if private investors do not, then at least those trusted with other persons’ money will have to in fear of the courts.

I think some lawyers are going to make a lot of money suing the investment funds, charities, etc. who were dumb enough to never get a scrap of real disclosure from Madoff. If you did get money from Madoff in the last months of his tenure, i have three words for you, give it back. Swiss bank accounts might work when you are dealing with the IRS or a state agency, but the FBI simply does not screw around. Unless you can buy gold and shove it under a mattress.

As for the charities that got screwed, I think the lessons for charities is that when someone donates $100 to you, you tell them that we are only going to invest it in bonds issued by the US gov’t or a state that does not have 10 million mexicans (see California), no more than 25% is going to be in stocks and mutual funds, and none of this hedge funds stuff. Charities should not be in the business of making money.

Steve Leimberg emails:

The impact on charities will also be wide-spread. Many charities are reporting substantial losses. Rumors abound as to the extent of damage to endowments at public charities. Supposedly a number of Jewish Federations, Yeshiva University and other endowments are taking substantial hits.

The impact of private foundations has also been reported. Sadly Elie Wiesel’s Foundation for Humanity appears to have been a victim of Madoff – perhaps losing its entire endowment. And a charitable foundation funded by Carl Shapiro and his family has allegedly lost nearly $150 million.

Foundations funded by Mort Zuckerman, Steven Spielberg, N.J. Senator Frank Lautenberg and many others are also reportedly victims. As reported in "Jewish Charities Shut Down Following Madoff ‘Ponzi Scheme" Wipeout" on Foxnews.com (12/15/08).

Two private foundation have already reportedly closed their doors, and we know that others are close behind. The Boston Globe reported that the Robert I. Lappin Charitable Foundation, a private foundation which financed trips for youth to Israel and supported educational and cultural services on the North Shore of Boston (where I grew up), closed its doors Friday. Apparently the foundation lost essentially 100% of its estimated $8 million endowment which was fully invested with Madoff. "Boston Donors Bilked Out of Millions" by Beth Healy and Steven Syre, Boston Globe (12/13/09).

Also, the Chais Family Foundation in California reportedly also closed its doors. The Chais foundation gave away about $12.5 million annually to charitable causes and supposedly had all of its assets invested with Madoff. Reported in "Jewish Charities Shut Down Following Madoff ‘Ponzi Scheme" Wipeout" on Foxnews.com (12/15/08).

In addition to those that invested with Madoff, the impact of the collapse will hurt other charities as well. Some received substantial portions of their funding from him.

For example, the Gift of Life Bone Marrow Foundation, which has saved hundreds of lives with its bone-marrow matching program, received much of its funding from Madoff and his Wall Street friends. The worthy services performed by it will need new backing. The Gift of Life Bone Marrow Foundation has already announced on its web site that it is seeking $1.8M of new funding. It is certainly not alone.

c. Hedge funds

Madoff’s firm’s collapse may also reverberate in the hedge fund world. Although it was not a hedge fund, per se, Madoff worked in a world of secrecy. While apparently offering transparency, no one knew how Madoff made money. His program was analogized to "working in a black box" – like many hedge funds. And nobody, it seems, really knew what was going on. The stories are replete (now) with advisors saying they never trusted Madoff’s performance and his flimsy auditing firm that supposedly was made up of only one or two accountants. "Now Accused of Fraud, Wall St. Wizard Had His Skeptics," by Alex Berenson and Diana B. Henriques, The New York Times (12/13/08).

But those who invested with Madoff had no such understanding. On top of that, many hedge fund investors are going to find out their investments were wiped out due to the hedge funds’ investments in Madoff.

Maxam Capital Management LLC reported a loss of $280 million on investor funds all held at Madoff and their founder says she will close the hedge fund’s doors. GMAC LLC Chairman J. Ezra Merkin, a money manager with Ascot Partners LLC, reportedly held substantially all of the funds $1.8 billion under management at Madoff. In a letter Merkin sent to clients (and as reported in the Wall Street Journal), Merkin said he himself was one of Ascot’s larges investors and he believed he personally had suffered major losses from this catastrophe. See "Fund Fraud Hits Big Names," by Robert Frank, Peter Lattman, Dionne Searcey and Aaron Lucchetti, The Wall Street Journal (12/13/08).

Other hedge funds (and particularly funds of funds) apparently held huge portions of their investments with Madoff. Fairfield Greenwich Group said in a statement Friday that it is assessing its losses, but as of Novermber 1 it has about $7.5 billion in investments connected to Madoff’s firm (supposedly about half its total assets). Id.

Further, what impact will this have on hedge funds that didn’t invest in Madoff? This scandal could lead to calls for more scrutiny of hedge fund managers. Perhaps even a cry for government regulation of an industry that is largely unregulated.

From Yeshiva University:

Dear Yeshiva University Community,

I would like to speak with you, members of the Yeshiva University Community, about recent events in the news. As a result of the last week’s revelations regarding Bernard Madoff, much concern and speculation has arisen regarding Yeshiva University. I write to you to make our situation clear.

Before going further let me reassure you:

  1. The University is financially strong.
  2. Be assured that our levels of scholarships and financial aid will not diminish.
  3. Yeshiva University staff pensions are not impacted by this revelation.
  4. Our leadership, faculty and students are engaged and advancing.
  5. We will learn all appropriate lessons from this experience.
  6.  We have been engaged over the last two months in reviewing our budgets to seek ways to cut our operating costs due to global economic realities. We will continue to do so and remain committed to advancing our crucial mission of providing an education that ennobles and enables our students

Bernard Madoff is no longer associated with our institution in any way. The University had no investments directly with Madoff. Last Thursday night, we were informed by Ascot Partners, a vehicle in which we had invested a small part of our endowment funds for 15 years, that substantially all its assets are invested with Madoff. The Ascot fund was managed by J. Ezra Merkin who has served as a University trustee and chairman of the investment committee. Mr. Merkin has resigned from all University positions.

In the most recent statement from Ascot, Yeshiva’s investment was valued at about $110 million, which represents about 8% of our endowment. While these facts are disappointing, we need to remain focused on the larger picture. We are but one of many institutions and individuals that have been impacted.

Let me be clear regarding our financial position: the University’s endowment, taking into account the Ascot loss, is currently estimated to be approximately $1.2 billion, down from approximately $1.7 billion on January 1, 2008. That loss of 28%, calendar year-to-date, compares with an S&P loss of 38% and Dow Jones loss of 32%. While certainly this represents a painful decline, we are in the same or better position as many universities. Although this decreased endowment must factor into our long term fiscal plans, it will have minimal impact on day-to-day operations. Total income from endowment last year represented 13% of the University’s operating income. Much more critical to our future health is the continued level of financial support from the YU family, philanthropists, and friends. So, while we are in a healthy and strong position to move forward, we must use the moment to address all concerns that this situation has illuminated.

In light of recent developments, we have decided to examine our existing conflicts policies and procedures, and governance structures. To assist us in this process, we have engaged Sullivan & Cromwell and Cambridge Associates, internationally renowned and respected institutions with recognized expertise in corporate and institutional governance, to ensure that our policies, procedures and structure reflect not only best practices, but the gold standard — the standard to which we aspire for all our endeavors.   We will be working closely with our advisors over the coming weeks and months and I’m confident that we’ll emerge stronger than ever.

I must add a more personal thought. We all should use these times to reflect on our blessings but also to reflect on our responsibilities. We should constantly be communally introspective and focus on advancing our ideals. The times are appropriate for us to focus on our core values, to practice and refine them and to share them with the world. We can and should always advance. Yeshiva University is committed to engaging in that conversation with other people of good will. I thank you for your interest, commitment and support.

Sincerely,

Richard M. Joel

President, Yeshiva University

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Even Football Has Gone Postmodern

Greg Easterbrook writes: Postmodern Play of the Week: Leading 7-3, Dallas reached first-and-goal on the Jersey/A 1. The Cowboys came out in the shotgun formation, four-wide.

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Support Stockings?

For my plantar fasciatis (since the summer of 2000), I see a podiatrist outside of my Kaiser Permanente HMO. He’s fantastic. He’s mentioned in Shirley McLaine’s book.

I see him today and he notes my feet are swollen (he calls it edema and recommends I see a vascular specialist) and he recommends I wrap an ase bandage around my feet every night and wear support stockings.

Support stockings? Which type would be most flattering to my figure?

This is not how I saw my life turning out.

I fear that I may be pregnant. And I’m not even married!

Thank God the doctor didn’t recommend I also wear teddies and high heels.

That would not have done my reputation any good with the rabbis.

Oy, the shame!

And it all cost me $150.

Normally I get a lot more joy for such expenditures.

Tuesday afternoon. I hit Kaiser. I pass a sign saying "Bladder Control Workshop."

Stephen J. Gertz writes: "I can’t incontinence this decision of yours, Luke."

Michel writes: "Are you sure Luke? You’re moving up those stoney grey steps of life … You might have to reconsider Luke …"

I make my $25 copayment.

I walk to the doctor’s office past an office labeled "Decedent Affairs."

I sit near a young black girl who must weigh 280 pounds. She’s reading a romance novel with a racy cover.

How come my doctors visits aren’t like the movies, the ones starring sexy nurses and candystripers?

After a 30 minute wait, I get my doctor. She’s young, hot and blonde. She’s tall with long hair and creamy skin. She’s peppy. She loves the referral letter from my podiatrist because it says for treatment, "Up to you!"

She loves it!

She writes a long entry on my computer chart. She asks me if I smoke or do drugs or drink. I say no. She asks about my lithium consumption. I say none in the past six months.

She puts on plastic gloves and examines my feet.

Then she chitchats with me before removing her gloves and running her bare hands over my aching feet. There’s no plastic protection between her skin and mine.

Bliss is it in this dawn to be alive, but to be single is very heaven!

I ask her if my high salt consumption could account for my swollen feet — though by now the blood has poured out of my feet and hurtled upwards to another part of my anatomy, puddling in a big red angry mess. She says yes.

That big ol’ wedding ring rock on her right hand don’t bother me none. My intentions are only honorable. No rabbi can castigate me for enjoying her touch — it is for the sake of my life!

I whine about the prospect of wearing support stockings. She says they’re nothing to be ashamed of.

And then she raises her pants above her knees and shows me her tall firm black socks that could just as well be support stockings. Her skin is sweet and blonde. I want to get down on my knees and worship her. Hear, O Israel…

"I’ll be on my feet for 12 hours," she explains. "They prevent my feet from swelling."

Oy, the swelling, the swelling!

She’s the best doctor. I’d make her my primary care doctor but I like the Chinese one I’ve got.

She suggests I cut down on salt and refined foods.

I’ll do anything she asks. Anything!

I walk home, passing Circuit City. There’s a beautiful brunette in a poster offering me her one-price guarantee!

I believe you! I trust you! I’ll make all your dreams come true!

God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day;
To save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray.

Refrain

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy.

In Bethlehem, in Israel, this blessèd Babe was born,
And laid within a manger upon this blessèd morn;
The which His mother Mary did nothing take in scorn.

Refrain

From God our heavenly Father a blessèd angel came;
And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name.

Refrain

“Fear not, then,” said the angel, “Let nothing you afright
This day is born a Savior of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him from Satan’s power and might.”

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Ramaz School Exposed To Bernie Madoff Scam

From the Ramaz Email List:

Dear Ramaz Family,

Late last week, we learned that Ramaz, through at least one of the funds in which it has endowment and other invested funds, has exposure to the alleged fraud committed by Bernard Madoff and his affiliated businesses.  We still are in the process of understanding the facts and the current status of the funds.  Based on the information currently available, the maximum potential exposure is approximately $6 million.  

Rest assured, Ramaz’s ability to operate as normal should not be impacted by this situation whatever its outcome and the majority of our endowment and other invested funds are not at issue.

 
Also, many of you have expressed concern regarding the status of the faculty and staff pension program.  While we appreciate the concern, please know that our pension funds are managed independently by TIAA-CREF and are not at issue.

Sincerely,
Pamela Rohr, Board Chair

Rabbi Haskel Lookstein, Principal 
Judith H. Fagin, Head of School

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