Respect!

So there’s this woman whose dad is a rabbi. When she’s on her own, guys flock to her and flirt with her and hug her, but when her dad comes around, they’re suddenly very proper and then they bugger off. It reminds me that we all have a force field. When this rabbi comes around, people are suddenly very respectful. When I come around, people tell dirty jokes and ask how to get into certain industries.

I remember when I became Editor of my high school newspaper in 1983, and it bothered me when my friend Barry on the staff would rough house with me in the newspaper room. I wanted to be treated with more respect.

* You learn more when you regard people’s behavior as rational, purposeful and filled with meaning rather than dismissing them as ignorant and inept. People are usually doing the best they can. They’ve learned from reward and punishment over a lifetime. So if they’re acting strangely in your view, try to understand what they get out of it. Why am I so weird on FB and on my blogs and videos? Because I never learned to attach normally. This is my clumsy way of attaching to others.

* Washington DC – unless you have to be there for work, why would anyone live there? All the charm of a northern city with all the efficiency of a southern city. A sage asks me: David Stockman has a new book out. Is it good for the Jews? Also, is this article in the Washington Post, in which certain invidious comparison are made between Jew-run GW University and Jesuit-run Georgetown U (with far far fewer Jewish students than GW), good for the Jews? GW seems like a university for rich (largely New York) Jews who couldn’t make into the Ivy Leagues and for rich foreigners.

* Alexander Technique, Orthodox Judaism, working out, study etc can be such overwhelmingly hard work that you’re tempted to despair, but if you just show up to your lesson or to work or to the gym, and even if you just go through the motions, you’ll almost always get closer to where you want to go.

* My teacher keeps pushing me: Who are you talking to in your play? Who are you trying to connect to? Do you want to shock them? Push them away? I keep saying, I’m talking to my friend Joey Kurtzman.

* It’s easy to go your whole life in Orthodox Judaism and have no connection to God.

* What do high-achieving women get out of dating me? They get to shore up their self-esteem by dating the Great Underachiever. They can always look at my life and feel better about themselves. They can feel emotionally safe by having contempt for me.

* My daily mantra: I want to write what I want to write and I don’t care about the consequences.

* The goal for the second half of my life — change the trajectory from social disconnection to connection.

* Having someone cheat on you is like mourning a death. Who you saw yourselves as a couple is dead. (In Treatment)

* I get in trouble everywhere I go for saying hostile things. Whenever I can speak freely, I get in digs at others. It’s the socially acceptable expression of my eroticized rage.

* There’s almost nothing you can’t get away with so long as you talk like a gentleman.

* You learn more when you regard people’s behavior as rational, purposeful and filled with meaning rather than dismissing them as ignorant and inept. People are usually doing the best they can. They’ve learned from reward and punishment over a lifetime. So if they’re acting strangely in your view, try to understand what they get out of it. Why am I so weird on FB? Because I never learned to attach normally. This is my clumsy way of attaching to others.

* Does anyone else get depressed about the lack of change in the rest of your life from years of studying Alexander Technique? I have little body pain anymore. Everything I do easier. I’m less reactive. I’m more open. But that’s about it. I’m glad I studied the Technique and I feel privileged to teach it but if you have personality disorders etc, Alexander Technique ain’t gonna shift them much.

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Our First Date Was Amazing!

In 2003, I have this amazing first date. We meet for coffee. We talk for two hours. I buy us sandwiches. Then she gets in my serial killer van and we drive up the 1 to Malibu and walk hand in hand on the beach and then we sit on the rocks and I lean over and kiss her and she’s shocked but she likes it. Then, after two more dates, she calls me back and breaks up with me. She said our first date was amazing, but then this sarcastic mocking side of me came out on our next two dates and she can’t handle it. We went on to break up another five times over the next year until finally, I hurry her out of the restaurant so we can get to see BIG FISH on time and she had explicitly told me she wanted them to wrap up her dessert to go but I rushed her away before that could happen.

The worst thing I ever did to her, the most painful, was when she was sick at her parent’s home in Malibu and she needed some soup and crackers and she asked me to bring them to her. I asked her if there wasn’t someone else near by who could do that. I wanted to go to a party that night and I had writing to do all day. I’ve never been one to drive 20 miles to bring soup and crackers. I’m not big on making extravagant gestures with my time.

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Obsession with sin is strictly Christian

No other religion has it. I’ve never heard nor even heard or nor read any Jewish sermon against sin. In Reform and Conservative Judaism, there’s virtually no talk of sin and everything Jewish you want to do is applauded. In Orthodox Judaism, there are Torah standards and failures to live up to them but no pre-occupation with “sin” itself and thus no burden of guilt (over failures to live up to ritual laws) and no need for redemption from sin.

On the night of Yom Kippur, Jews recite communal sins in the liturgy, but there’s no gloom. Rather, it is joyous occasion. A religion is not just its texts in a vacuum. What’s more interesting to me is how those texts play out in real life. Reading the Jewish high holiday prayer book, you might think there’s a Jewish obsession with sin, but if you’ve lived the high holidays in synagogue, you’ll see there’s no such obsession. Rather, in most of Jewish life, this is a time for women to wear their best clothes. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are as much fashions shows as anything else for most of Jewry.

I don’t know of any Jew who feels guilt about the sins mentioned in the Yom Kippur prayer book if he did not personally commit them, and if he did commit them and made amends to those he hurt, there’s no quilt either. Yom Kippur is a great time, however, to meet a girl or to start a business deal or to find a job.

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The 1968 Olympics Salute

Yahoo: Film Australia gives the now standard (in Australia this is a common practice): “Warning – Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander viewers should exercise caution when watching this program as it may contain images of deceased persons.”

This is political correctness run amok. I would not want such warnings for Jews to accommodate Jewish sensitivities.

I saw this in the 2008 Australian documentary Salute:

The film provides an insight into and incident at the 1968 Summer Olympics which saw two United States athletes, Tommie Smith and John Carlos, give the black power salute from the victory dais after the 200 metres final. The film focuses on the third man on the dias, silver medal winner Peter Norman, who showed his support for Smith and Carlos by donning an “Olympic Project for Human Rights” (OPHR) badge on his way to the podium. It was also Norman who suggested to Smith and Carlos that they share the black gloves used in their salute, after Carlos had left his gloves in the Olympic Village. This is the reason for Smith raising his right fist, while Carlos raised his left. Asked later about his support of Smith and Carlos’ cause by the world’s press, Norman said he opposed his country’s government’s White Australia policy.
The film documents the subsequent reprimand of Norman by the Australian Olympic authorities, and his ostracism by the Australian media. Despite Norman running qualifying times for both the 100m and 200m during 1971/72, the Australian Olympic track team did not send him to the 1972 Summer Olympics in Munich. It also documents Norman’s reunion with Smith and Carlos, shortly before his death in 2006.

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Rabbi Michael Broyde Admits Using A Fake Internet Identity To Tout His Own Work

Sociology professor and prolific author Samuel Heilman, the writer of a recent book on the Lubavitcher rebbe, has been accused of a similar practice of using a fake internet identity to tout his own work and to attack his critic Steven I. Weiss.

Now Michael J. Broyde apologizes for his “error of judgment.”

These revelations are no surprise to those who know Rabbi Broyde.

Steven I. Weiss reports:

A leading Orthodox rabbi and esteemed law professor appears to have created a fake professional identity which he used to gain access to members-only correspondence of a rival rabbinic group and tout his own work. The fake identity may also have been used to submit letters to scholarly journals.

Rabbi Michael Broyde is well-known in both the fields of Jewish scholarship and law, and according to veteran British Jewish news reporter Miriam Shaviv, he was also on the shortlist of candidates being considered for chief rabbi of England in recent months, in an article saying that the chancellor of Yeshiva University had called him “the finest mind of his generation.” He is a rabbinical court judge, or dayan, on the largest rabbinical court in the United States, the Beth Din of America. Broyde is also a law professor at the U.S. News & World Report 23rd-ranked law school in the country at Emory University, where he is also Senior Fellow at the Center for the Study of Law and Religion. His Emory biography declares that he “has published more than 75 articles and book chapters on various aspects of law and religion and Jewish law,” including in the Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy and the Emory Law Journal. The author or editor of several books, he is a prominent figure in rabbinic circles, where his detailed arguments and strong opinions regarding matters of practice and communal standards have produced alliances and opposition. He was also the founding rabbi of the Young Israel of Toco Hills, in Atlanta, Georgia.

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Will LA’s Modern Orthodox Rabbis Turn Against The RCC?

The RCC is probably happy about this KSA scandal. It takes the attention off their Doheny Kosher Meats debacle.

I’m curious if the Modern Orthodox rabbis will unite in their dissatisfaction with the RCC, in particular with regard to divorces and agunot (chained women) and converts, and do something.

There’s a new activist with regard to agunot (chained women): Esther Macner, Founder/President of GET JEWISH DIVORCE, INC. 1880 Century Park East, Suite 200 Los Angeles, CA 90067 [email protected]. Her slogan is: “Dedicated to the Prevention of Abuse in the Jewish Divorce Process” 917-597-3505

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Dennis Prager vs Sidney Morgenbesser

On his show April 10, 2013, Dennis said: “I wrote a paper for a
Marxist. One of my professors was Sidney
Morgenbesser
[an ordained rabbi]. He wasn’t a communist. I liked him personally.
I’ll never forget I wrote a paper for him comparing Judaism with
Marxism as philosophies of life. I knew that had he lived another 100
years, he would not have gotten another paper like that at Columbia. I
knew he wondered how I got in — that I actually believed in religion
and thought it was superior to Marxism. To his credit, he gave me a B.
I’m sure he wanted to give me a D but it was too well-researched. I was
like a sort of extra-terrestrial. I felt that way at graduate school.”

According to
Wikipedia
: “Sidney Morgenbesser (September 22, 1921 – August
1, 2004) was a Columbia University philosopher. Born in New York City,
he undertook philosophical study at the City College of New York and
rabbinical study at the Jewish Theological Seminary of America, then
pursued graduate study in philosophy at the University of Pennsylvania,
where he wrote his Ph.D. thesis under the direction of Nelson Goodman.
Morgenbesser returned to Columbia to teach in 1953 and, in 1975, was
named the John Dewey Professor of Philosophy there. Morgenbesser was
known particularly for his sharp witticisms and humor, which often
penetrated to the heart of the philosophical issue at hand. He
published little, and established no school, but was revered for his
extraordinary intelligence and moral seriousness. He was a famously
influential teacher; his former students include Jerry Fodor, Raymond
Geuss, Robert Nozick, and Derek Parfit.”

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How Do I Live With Passion?

I’m taking these Chinese herbs to help me sleep but they leave me a tad groggy during the day unless I’m excited. So I’m driving home in a daze last night and I had a sense memory of about a decade in my life working ordinary jobs and that sense of ennui that came with it, just going through the motions of life, and the sharp contrast that was with the decade I had 1997-2007 earning my living from writing and the passion and excitement and self-aggrandizement that flowed from it. When I’m writing all day and people are responding, I’m excited. When I’m typing and filing and answering the phone, I feel barely alive. I wonder if I could get as excited about helping people and living the 12 steps and Orthodox Judaism as I get from writing a widely-read blog and getting all that mirroring. When my life is firing on more cylinders, I’m not as vulnerable to abandonment. When my life isn’t firing, I tend to cling and to seek more from my relationship, put more pressure on it, squeeze the life out of my partner, drain her for mirroring until she sets limits on me, which I don’t take well. Can I get as excited about doing good as I did about writing transgressive material for a huge audience? Can I get more of the cylinders of my life firing by practicing what I wear?

From 1997 to 2007, most of my friends were writers (LA Press Club etc), and then I faced the grim reality I’d need to go in a new direction to earn a living, and I haven’t recaptured that community. Also, Cathy Seipp died in 2007, and I lost a world. She connected me. I was a stray dog she adopted.

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Jewish Community Watch Keeps An Eye On Predators

Almost all of the significant efforts against child abuse in the Jewish community have come from the laity, not the rabbis.

Assistant Los Angeles District Attorney Benny Forer writes:

Dear Jewish Community Watch,

I am writing this letter to express my sincere and heartfelt thanks for your tireless work in protecting our community. As an individual, parent, community member and a District Attorney, I appreciate all your efforts and praise your work.

Having handled, examined, reviewed and prosecuted thousands of cases in my career, I am thoroughly familiar with the requirements and standards necessary to implicate someone. I recognize the distinction between mere allegation and proof necessary to prove someone’s guilt.

After becoming aware of the internal standards utilized by JCW, I am abundantly content that you have thoroughly investigated your cases and have an impeccable review process before exposing any predators.1 I am also aware that the Board of JCW has received allegations of abuse regarding nearly 200 as yet unnamed predators. That those assertions remain undisclosed because JCW is not yet satisfied that it has been able to substantiate those claims beyond question, is confirmation that the principles to which JCW is committed are honorable, upright and moral. I am satisfied that the investigative process at JCW is sweeping and rigorous before the Board is convinced to publicize the name of an abuser. It is such careful standards that both ensure an innocent person is not posted and that only a predator is.

Your organization fills a much needed service within our community. For far too many years, our so-called leaders covered-up sex abuse. I am personally familiar with many cases of Rabbis and Roshei Yeshivos not notifying theirs or other communities regarding a potential predator. Consequently, their actions have put many communities and their children at great risk because the predator was free to strike again.2 It is due to these profound failures that an organization like yours is important and necessary.

In every State of the United States, our Federal Government and many other countries3, there are sex offender registry laws. For example, the California Legislature, in enacting its registration laws, specifically provided reasons for its incorporation. They found that sex-offenders pose a potentially high risk of committing further sex offenses and that it is a compelling and necessary public interest to inform the public regarding these people and the risks they pose. Furthermore, in balancing the predators right to privacy (and potential rehabilitation) vs protecting a vulnerable population, the latter is much more important.4

JCW fulfills this role in our society. Its admirable goals are to notify the public of predators and to protect the innocent. It also has a further, and much needed secondary purpose: due to various reasons, including rabbinical cover-ups and community stigmatization, victims are frightened/wary/anxious of coming forward. Victims often do not come forward because of perceived stigmatization of potential harm towards themselves and their family. They are worried that going forward to the police or to law-enforcement would publicly reveal who they are and remove their layer of anonymity.5

It is also common for victims of sexual assault to wait some time before telling someone. When the person was assaulted as a child, he or she may wait years or decades. The reasons for this are numerous: victims may want to deny the fact that someone they trusted could do this to them; they may want to just put it behind them; they may believe the myth that they caused the assault by their own behavior; or they may fear how other people will react to the truth. As a result, the applicable Statute of Limitations has passed and going to the police will have no result at all.

JCW thus provides an outlet for a victim to reveal the truth about what happened, either to expose their harm, or to prevent their predator from effectuating this harm on others. They get to remain anonymous from the judgmental influences of our community, while achieving a much needed result. Moreover, in those situations where the victim courageously comes forward, but because of the statute of limitations he is prevented from prosecuting, the truth can still prevail regardless of the arcane laws preventing such prosecution.6

Our justice system imposes a legal duty on many (particularly those in leadership positions) to report sexual harm, regardless of how strong or how weak the evidence is. Teacher, Rabbis or doctors all have legal obligations to notify all appropriate agencies if they suspects sexual harm. In Halacha and as frum Jews, we have an even stronger obligation. The duty is on every individual to ensure that וְלִפְנֵי עִוֵּר לֹא תִתֵּן מִכְשֹׁל .

I applaud you for your efforts and I bless you that you may go from strength to strength and never waver in your commitment to this great cause. I also call on all Rabbonim and leaders from the various communities to A) join your organization, B) familiarize themselves with the issues, C) publically issue piski dinim relating to sex abuse and D) condemn any and all predator.

There are many in our community who are stationary and unaware or unwilling to act. This mentality is often based on misunderstood halachos such as mesirah, loshon horah, etc. and for too long we have allowed predators to roam freely amongst our children.7 I therefore thank you for your bold and important step in protecting our communities.

Sincerely,

Benny Forer

1 I am aware that in some cases JCW does not do their own investigation, instead, relying on the police and District Attorney charging the case. In such a situation, review is unnecessary and reliance on governmental agencies is sufficient to expose an arrest and/or conviction.

2 One example I am familiar with: An older bocher in a Yeshiva raped several younger bochurim. During farbrengens, he would ply the younger bochur with alcohol and then take him back to his dorm room. The older bochur would then rape the heavily-intoxicated younger bocher. Despite knowing this, the Rosh Yeshiva of that particular school did not object/notify any new school of this monster. The predator went on to teach in another high school.

3 The following relevant other countries have registration laws: Australia = ANCOR; Canada = NSOR; UK = ViSOR.

4 See the Legislative Counsel’s Digest for an amendment to Penal Code § 290.03, introduced as SB 396.

5 Children often do not tell of the harm for a variety of reasons including the offender’s threats to hurt or kill someone the victim loves, as well as shame, embarrassment, wanting to protect the offender, feelings for the offender, fear of being held responsible or being punished, fear of being disbelieved, and fear of losing the offender who may be very important to the child or the child’s family.

6 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/14/us/sex-abuse-statutes-of-limitation-stir-battle.html?ref=romancatholicchurch&_r=0

7 Many leading Rabbonim have ruled that there is no mesirah when informing on molesters and that molesters have the status of a rodef.

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My Fear Of Abandonment II

* I tend to cling through hell and high water. Because of my fear of abandonment, I put up with more abuse than most BFs, so GFs to get rid of me, have to go bang someone else, at which point, I lose my mind and don’t crawl back for at least a few weeks.

* Do you do things to deliberately wound the people you love most in the very places where they are most vulnerable? Then you are part of the 100%. It’s normal relationship/marital sadism. Abnormal sadism means calling the police, drowning their laptop, getting them fired, etc.

* We marry the person who will hurt us most deeply. That’s the point of marriage, to experience your deepest fears, to marry the parent who most wounded you, and perhaps to heal.

* That you don’t feel abandoned has nothing to do with whether you were. We develop psychological defenses as children so we don’t have to feel the bad stuff. As we grow up, these defenses however interfere with normal human growth.

* When your abandonment issues kick in, you’re going to act drunk. You’ll be irrational and accusatory. You’ll likely be paired up with someone who distances and abandons. How should you react when somebody is out of control? Back away and get space.

* Dad is working, mom is in bed depressed. Child develops abandonment issues, falls in love with psychological terrorists.

* When someone important to you starts backing away, how do you react? Do you cut them out of your life to avoid pain to yourself? Do you try to be perfect so they will come back to you? Or do you snoop to try to understand what is going on? Do you threaten? Do you issue non-negotiable demands? These have been my responses (the most common has been for me to cut the person out of my life).

* I bought a bunch of fruity calorie-free mineral water last night because I hear the bubbles fill you up and I can get back to my Stayin’ Alive weight.

* And so it begins — I just deleted the photo of the blonde biting my tzitzit.

* For years I conducted purges of my Facebook friends akin to the show trials of Joseph Stalin, but eventually I learned to stop hating and to start embracing the on rushing tide of friends that my charisma commands.

* I never fully became comfortable with cursive, in large part because my block script was hard enough to read. I started telling people in the 1980s that cursive skills were not important as computers were taking over our writing.

* I’m watching In Treatment while I pump iron and chat on FB, and I’m realizing I must be abnormal because I have never yelled at my therapist or said anything hostile, ever!

* A few years ago, my GF told me, “A girl came over Friday night and we played around. How do you feel about that?” I hung up. She wanted to get rid of me. After a few weeks of discussing this in therapy, my therp (with whom I was in love along with loving my GF and some women at yoga) suggested I write out my feelings and email them to my GF, which I did at great length. I found out later that she deleted the email after reading the first line. I tend to get quite long-winded in love and loss.

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