How Do Religious Kids Rebel?

How do Orthodox Jewish teens rebel while staying within the Orthodox community? They do things they can hide, such as texting or watching TV on Shabbos, porn, sex, alcohol and drug abuse…or the more intellectually inclined might study forbidden books or write their own gemara or become more religious than their parents, start wearing a black hat. They might seek out a different form of prayer and religious practice that they enjoy or fills them with meaning or connects them to God in a way that the old one did not.

When I was a Seventh-Day Adventist teen, the way we acted out was by driving fast, listening to rock music, reading forbidden books and magazines, talking through church and Sabbath school, getting rowdy in hot tubs with girls. My peers and I, however, stayed virgins into college. No matter how rowdy we got, we lived completely different from the non-Adventists around us who went to parties filled with alcohol and drugs. I didn’t touch alcohol until the night I graduated from high school. I hated it.

When Mormon and Adventist teens act out, they consume sugar and dry-hump but often shun the forbidden caffeine.

How come there’s little talk about “rabbi’s kids” as opposed to “preacher’s kids”? How come there’s little expectation that rabbi’s kids will rebel any more than their peers while with preacher’s kids, substantial rebellion is almost taken for granted. I think it boils down to community. If you’re part of a community you love and it is filled with your friends, then how rebellious are you going to get? I grew up with close community in Seventh-Day Adventism but it doesn’t touch the connection common in Orthodox Judaism. Once you’ve gotten used to such interconnection, it is inconceivable for most to live without it. There are lots of quiet ways you can go off and rebel against Orthodox Judaism without jeopardizing your place in the community. There’s nothing in Orthodox Judaism similar to the accepted rebellion among Amish teens.

There’s a keen sense in Orthodox Judaism that you can do a prodigious amount of learning in your teens and early twenties that you’ll never be able to do again. Orthodox Jewish leaders don’t want to waste this by sanctioning goofing off. There’s also a push to get the kids married young. When Orthodox Jews (or any religious group) don’t marry young, they drift away from the fold.

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My Anxious Attachment Style

I love this podcast on attachment:

Amy Alkon’s Advice Goddess Radio: “Nerd Your Way To A Better Life!” with the best brains in science.

This show will help you use the new field of adult attachment science to find love — or to keep and even vastly improve the relationship you have.

My guest is neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine, co-author with psychologist Rachel S.F. Heller, of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love.
If you’re seeking a partner, by recognizing which of the three attachment styles you fit into, you can help yourself avoid all the usual troubles you get into while dating.

If you’re in a relationship, by recognizing which form of attachment you exhibit and which your partner does, you can stop battling each other, behave more lovingly to each other, and better meet each other’s needs.

The partner who longs for more closeness can recognize their need and stop always acting so demanding of a partner who needs a little more distance to feel comfortable. At the same time, they can come to understand that their partner loves them, and that it’s largely their style of attachment that makes them harangue the other person for closeness, which can help them pull back a little.

In turn, the person who’s more distant can recognize their style but come around in small and regular ways that reassure their more intimacy-seeking partner.

My style of attachment is anxious (as opposed to secure or avoidant). When I spot a facial or verbal cue that indicates someone doesn’t like me, I feel great anxiety and want to separate.

“Evolution is not about the happiness of the individual but the survival of the species.”

I tend to date avoidants. We reinforce each other’s view of the world and make each other unhappy. I need security and intimacy and go nuts with an avoidant girl, which is exciting and heartbreaking.

If you say who you are and what you want, it’s not needy. It’s powerful. It’s needy to claim you don’t need things that you yearn for. If you need reassurance and calls backs and texts and to know where your partner is, you can say that and avoid people who are avoidant. I attach way too quickly and usually to those who are bad for me.

“People will tell you everything about themselves in terms of their attachment style. You just have to listen.”

“People who pair up, survive, and those who don’t become tiger food.”

“If we become dependent on someone, we can do better with our jobs and our hobbies. We become more curious about the world and face into the world. We’re more likely to achieve our goals. Secure attachment, a secure base in a relationship, makes a huge difference. It changes our whole lives. When we know we have someone we can rely on… It’s the dependency paradox.”

“If you have high blood pressure and you’re in a good relationship, it will hold it at bay. If you’re in a bad relationship, it will make it worse. If you have a cut and you’re in a good relationship, it will heal faster.”

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A Christian Challenge From My Dad

A Christian theologian who happens to be my father emails me:

You would have become (or could be) a great lawyer. I am sure you have won many arguments over the years. You should be prepared for the following arguments:

The Jews were often delivered from their captors and returned from their captivities but never after the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth. The Jews had a line of prophets for probably over one thousand years but none since the death of Jesus of Nazareth. If the rejection of the word of God spoken through Jeremiah and the ancient prophets brought on Israel the terrible calamity of Jerusalem’s overthrow and the seventy years of captivity, what must have been the crime, the sin, which has spread its blight over the Jewish nation for nearly 2000 years and made them weary wanders in an unfriendly world? Why have many Jews, most Jews, despised and hated the only Jew who ever kept the law of Moses without flaw or fault? Why have most Jews felt at variance with the people who have done much more, a thousandfold more, to disseminate the law of Moses among the nations of earth than ever has been done by the Jewish people?

It is true that Jews have been wronged and robbed by people bearing the name of Christians but these killers were not true followers of him who went about doing good. True followers of Jesus have never been persecutors, only those who in their hatred fooled themselves that they were Christians.

There are about 12 points made by Jews from the OT to prove that the Messiah could not have yet come. Christians apply all these to the second advent.

There is no need to reply, especially since I probably would not find time to reply to your reply. But somewhere along the line of life you will have to answer publicly these questions.

You have been given many gifts by God. You are a splendid writer. You have shown much much courage in dealing with manifold adversities. I have wondered if you have missed the one source of help that could do most for you.

It is a moral universe and earnest folks like you and me must pay for our sins.

I don’t need to be prepared for any arguments by anyone who wants me to change my religion. To practice Judaism is to know a self-evidently superior way of life, particularly when I’ve had bountiful experience of living as a Christian.

Jews have rarely felt a moral or intellectual challenge from Christianity. One who leads a Jewish life usually finds it superior to the alternatives (and among the least appealing alternatives for Jews is Christianity, it’s laughable to believe that a man was God). By any statistical measure of the good life, such as the strength of the family, charity, health, success, education, wealth, Jews lead the way.

Second, only a fool argues matters of faith. Where has a lifetime of such arguments gotten you, dear theologian?

On to the points in this email:

* “The Jews were often delivered from their captors and returned from their captivities but never after the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth.” Hundreds of thousands of Jews were not delivered from their captors before Jesus. They were slaughtered, starved and tortured to death. The Jewish people as a whole survived their captivities before Jesus? Yes, and after Jesus too. In the past 70 years, the Jews have returned to Zion, where about half of all Jews now live.

A majority of Jews have lived in the diaspora (until now) since the destruction of the First Temple in 586 BCE, more than 500 years before Jesus. So this challenge makes no sense.

And since when has delivery from captivity proven whether or not you are loved by God? To claim such a thing is to spit on the memory of the hundreds of millions of innocent people, Jews and non-Jews, down through the ages who were tortured and murdered.

* “The Jews had a line of prophets for probably over one thousand years but none since the death of Jesus of Nazareth.”

The designation of who and who is not a prophet is a matter of faith and is a ridiculous thing to argue over. According to the traditional Jewish perspective, prophecy ended hundreds of years before Jesus was born. So what?

The last Jewish prophet, according to the Jewish tradition, was Malachai, who scholars place in the fifth century BCE, more than 400 years before the birth of Jesus.

I am out of line with the Jewish tradition here (which holds that the prophets connected with God through the Holy Spirit, and that this type of prophecy ended with Malachai), but I don’t see much difference between the spiritual power of the prophets and the spiritual power of the great rabbis over the past two thousand years. I’m not sure Malachai was any more in touch with God than Rabbi Hillel or Rabbi Akiva or the Rambam. These last three thinkers each have a thousand times more influence on the way Jews lead their lives than Malachai or any of the prophets.

* “If the rejection of the word of God spoken through Jeremiah and the ancient prophets brought on Israel the terrible calamity of Jerusalem’s overthrow and the seventy years of captivity, what must have been the crime, the sin, which has spread its blight over the Jewish nation for nearly 2000 years and made them weary wanders in an unfriendly world?”

Christians have been tortured, murdered and chased out of the Middle East over the past 50 years by Muslims. What must have been their crime? Who did they reject? Or were they simply not as powerful and not as murderous as their Muslim neighbors?

To attribute the Holocaust, the pogroms, the Crusades and the murder of millions of Jews by non-Jews, often Christians, to Jewish rejection of Jesus is to charge the Jewish people eternally with deicide, and it is this type of thinking propounded by many of the most influential Christian intellectuals such as Martin Luther that led directly to Dachau. You propound a line of thought that leads to genocide. Congratulations! Jesus must be so proud.

Millions of murders of Jews by non-Jews happened before Jesus and after Jesus. Since when does the mass slaughter of innocents prove theological rectitude? Only when you’re a Christian, I guess.

That the Jews sought to find meaning in their suffering by engaging in moral introspection is a beautiful thing, even though it is twisted as a sword to attack Jews by Christians such as yourself.

* “Why have many Jews, most Jews, despised and hated the only Jew who ever kept the law of Moses without flaw or fault?”

To the extent that Jews despise Jesus, it is due to the mass slaughters carried out in his name. It is also due to Jewish hatred of idolatry. To believe that a man is God is idolatry.

Historically, we have no idea if anyone perfectly kept the law of Moses (because we don’t videotape people 24/7 before or after their bar mitzvah, the age of accountability), and it doesn’t matter. It has no significance for how a Jew should lead his life.

* “Why have most Jews felt at variance with the people who have done much more, a thousandfold more, to disseminate the law of Moses among the nations of earth than ever has been done by the Jewish people?”

Jews have their own laws and culture to observe and hence we must be at variance to varying degrees with everyone outside the fold, including non-observant Jews. We have felt particularly at variance with Christians when Christians imposed their religion by force and tortured and murdered those who did not accept their theology. Once Christians stopped doing this, once they stopped discriminating against us (and it is only in the last 70 years for instance, that Jews have been allowed to become professors of English literature, for instance, and to enter the Christian world’s finest universities according to their merits), we felt less hatred for them.

* “There are about 12 points made by Jews from the OT to prove that the Messiah could not have yet come. Christians apply all these to the second advent.”

I assume that’s comforting for Christians but there is nothing in the Hebrew Bible about the Messiah needing two trips to get the job done. Jesus fulfilled none of the Messianic prophecies ergo Jews have no interest in claims made for him.

* “It is true that Jews have been wronged and robbed by people bearing the name of Christians but these killers were not true followers of him who went about doing good. True followers of Jesus have never been persecutors, only those who in their hatred fooled themselves that they were Christians.”

Any argument you can’t lose you can’t win. If Christians who do evil aren’t true Christians, then you never have to face yourself, do you? Luckily, this way of thinking lost its dominance in Christian life after the Holocaust. You cling to the primitive pre-Holocaust Christian views of Jews that is largely dying out in the Christian world after Christians saw what their preaching, as embodied by you, contributed to the Holocaust.

Yes, we will all pay for our sins, and the payment will be irrespective of our theological beliefs. According to our deeds will we be judged. I want what I deserve, nothing more and nothing less.

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UPDATE: RCC Yanks Its Certification Of Kosher Lube

JTA reports:

Sorry kosher sex fans, but the California rabbinical group that was set to certify Wet personal lubricants as kosher has yanked its hechsher.
We know this is hard to swallow, but here’s deliciously worded statement:
As reported in the media, the Rabbinical Council of California’s Kashrut Division was in the final stages of certifying products produced by Trigg Laboratories.
Certification of non-edible items is common in the kosher industry, but the intended uses of these items as now revealed, was misunderstood.
The RCC has rescinded its certification with immediate effect, and deeply regrets the widespread consternation that this error caused.

This lube would likely been widely used by gay men for a type of sex expressly forbidden by the Torah.

Outcast Yid writes on FM: “A hechsher for personal lubricants is ridiculous on its face. These are the same bozos who blew it on supervision of Doheny Kosher Meats. I think they’ve been too focused on bug checking. Back to basics, fellas.”

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The Protest Against Brooklyn DA’s Office for Sam Kellner

Protest supporting Sam Kellner, anti-sex abuse advocate in the ultra-Orthodox community; Israel attacks Syrian arms site; a new documentary by director Arik Bernstein tells Israeli history through home movies; the 26-year-old, award-winning author of The People of Forever Are Not Afraid, Shani Boianjiu, talks about what it’s like for women in the Israeli army; and more.

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Kosher Lube Certified By The RCC

Report: Kosher lube will soon hit shelves, possibly changing the sex lives for many kosher couples, right in time for the Jewish Valentine’s Day.

The west coast manufacturer, Trigg Laboratories is the creator and developer of U.S.-made Wet products, including this new lube. They have been waiting for two years to gain certification and now with their “K” stamp of approval they plan on introducing their products to the Israeli market within the next few months.

…The Rabbinical Council of California has inspected Wet’s facilities to make sure that every ingredient comes from products that adhere to kosher standards. The reason that there is a need for a kosher lubricant and not for other topical creams or beauty products is because kosher laws only apply to anything that might be ingested, such as sexual lubricants.

UPDATE: RCC yanks its certification.

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Hi There. How Are You?

How’s life treating you?

I’m working on my writer’s credo, my ten deepest beliefs.

Wow. I don’t think there are even 10 things I believe in.

Yes, you believe in chocolate, sex, yoga, status, dogs, fast cars, left-wing politics, that religion is stupid and that Orthodox Jews suck. You’re offended by racism, sexism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and homophobia.

Damn, you are good.

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What’s The Basic Conflict In My Play?

I’m reading Playwriting: Writing, Producing and Selling Your Play by Louis E. Catron.

I’m on chapter eight and writing out the scenario for my one-man play. What’s the basic conflict?

What does the protagonist want? I want to be happy. I want to connect with others. Who’s the antagonist? Me. My sloppy selfish ways. What’s my conflict? My good side versus my bad side.

Pursuing what I want doesn’t quite work for me because much of what I want is not good for me. So, the basic conflict of my play is within myself — will I get serious about getting the help I need so that I can lead a life with at least normal levels of attachment. Will I come to see the role I play in creating my own misery? What stops me from connecting? It’s easier to imagine my problems as the result of bad luck. It’s easier to see myself as a heroic blogger, battling the forces of oppression and corruption. My true greatness is about to blossom if I can just get a little more of my own way.

How long till the pain that results from doing things my way becomes so severe that I am willing to seek help to change? What stops me from achieving the connection I want?

When did I develop the sloppy habits that have haunted me my whole life? I was born with these habits and resisted the attempts of others to knock them out of me. I just want to do what I want to do and screw everyone else until they hurt me so bad that I become willing to change to make my life easier.

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The most important thing in life is your connection with the people you love

What are the alternatives? What else would you put number one? Some people might say God is more important than people, but in my religion, Judaism, the way you love God is by loving your fellow. People who get lost in God to the extent that their human connections suffer are usually freaks. Nobody looks at them and thinks, “I want to be like that.” All those I know who are so God intoxicated that they are cut off from people are psychological basket cases. They’re wracked with anxiety. They have trouble sleeping. They’re unhappy. Usually they were neglected as kids so they never learned to attach normally. They hate the confrontation and messiness that comes with close relationships, so they lose themselves in religion because that’s easier than dealing with friends and family.

For some of my peers, the most important thing in life is their work. Guys are more prone to this than women. They put everything into their job and then want to coast in the rest of their life. Workaholism, like religion, can be an escape from your feelings. If these workaholics learned to attach to other normally and drop their addiction, they’d likely be more successful with their work, not to mention their life.

For some people I know, exercise is the most important thing in life. They literally run away from their feelings. They obsess about working out because it gives them a feeling of mastery and a way to escape from the difficulty of human connection.

I do think there are exceptional individuals who rightly devote themselves to a cause or to a creation above everything else. We’re better off because the Vilna Gaon studied Torah 16 hours a day and Theodore Herzl founded modern Zionism and Steve Jobs drove Apple and Bill Gates made Microsoft.

It’s funny that I put human connection as the most important thing in life because I’ve failed in this area and have led a disconnected life, but it is precisely because I have the pain of loneliness that I see the importance of connection. I know I never learned to attach normally and so through my life I’ve attached to food, fantasy, sex, love, sports, etc. Yet I have known enough connection that I know in my bones how good it is. Much of this I did not create, but simply received as a gift. People have come along in my life (the Cherry family at Avondale, the Muth family at Pacific Union College, Cathy Seipp,etc) and adopted me and carried me into normality for months and years at a time.

One of the worst feelings is being lonely in a crowd. You stand in a gathering and all around you people attach normally but nobody wants to talk to you. I remember at LimmudLA, this woman I met said to me later, “Sometimes I just looked at you and felt sorry.”

I get nervous at such parties and tear up the lemon in my drink and just stand there holding the rind.

This keen pain of disconnection smashes through my defenses and reminds me that something is very wrong. Normally I arrange my life so that I don’t have to confront my failures but then they get thrown in my face and I realize I have to work through painful stuff.

The thru-line in my disorder is a desire to transgress. These impulses don’t bring people closer to me and the more disconnected I get, the louder they scream. When I’m mixing with people every day, I’m almost normal. When I isolate, I get weird.

I assume that sharks don’t think about water. They take it for granted. So too I assume that people who attach normally don’t think about attachment as much as do I.

If most people called me up right now and asked me to coffee, I’d want to decline so I could concentrate on my writing, a solitary pursuit. I only really dig about 1% of humanity. Now, if someone from that one percent called me up, I’d accept.

Before I understood that I had an attachment disorder, I just thought I was best cut out for solitary pursuits. I took it for granted that I wasn’t good at playing nicely with others, so let me find opportunities where I can just do my own thing. I wanted to avoid growing. I didn’t think I had a choice. I’d failed so much at group endeavors, I just assumed I had to go it alone.

I know there are many things I could do to increase my connection with those I love but I’d rather be lazy. I’d rather write what I wanted on my blog and on my Facebook. I’d rather wear my old shorts and t-shirt. I’d rather say what I wanted. I’d rather think of myself as a heroic iconoclast than as a pathetic loser but there’s probably more growth in exploring the uncomfortable feeling.

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Why do I believe that belief in God is important?

My life has often been lonely, but it has been less lonely when I’ve believed in God, when I’ve believed that God listened to me and cared about me and judged me and intended to reward and punish me according to my deeds.

I reached out to God in 1989, my second year with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. All my efforts to get well were in vain. I was so sick that I couldn’t accomplish anything. I could just lie around and listen to classical music. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t enjoy much of life. So where would I find purpose? I reached out to God and decided to convert to Judaism. That gave me purpose, community, guidelines and wisdom.

When I partly recovered my health in 1994 and started doing more of what I wanted, I got lost in my emotional addictions, betraying my earlier commitments to God and Judaism, but no matter how lost I got, I never lost my faith in God, in Torah, in the Sabbath and other Jewish laws, and in regular synagogue attendance. So even when I left synagogue in the morning during the week to drive off to some profane movie set in the San Fernando Valley, I returned to synagogue the next morning for prayer and Talmud study. I kept reading books on Jewish themes and attending lectures on Torah. This gave me a compass.

Belief in God fills me with hope that there is life after death and that the good will be rewarded and the wicked punished.

God is an inspirational and yet practical entity I can surrender my life to. I can let Him take charge, or my understanding of Him, and this enables me to let go of addictions and personality disorders. I’m not relying solely on my own thinking anymore because my own thinking got me into this mess and it’s not going to get me out of it.

God is an infinitely rich resource and there are many paths to Him. Over the past two years, I’ve become entranced by the 12-step approach. I’ve been able to reconcile it with my Judaism.

Belief in God and religion is a great way to organize a community. It gives transcendence. There are values and ends that transcend you and your group. People will often make greater sacrifices for a group centered on God than for a secular group. God is a powerful way to gather people together. The Orthodox Jew believes that God commands Jewish men to gather three times a day to say prayers. This is a big incentive to gather with your fellows every day. I’ve never known an intensity of community like that which I’ve found in religion. People in a religious community tend to look after each other in a more devoted way than secular communities.

Belief in God tends to elevate people. They tend to behave better. There’s a different feel to their homes. They are less likely to be swayed by secular fads and to waste their lives in stupid obsessions such as with sports or video games or porn.

The greatest people I’ve known believed in God. Most of the best people I know are Orthodox Jews. That’s a big reason that I am an Orthodox Jew, so that I can associate with them.

Belief in God tends to create better art. It creates depth and transcendence and meaning not available without belief in God.

God is the one ends in life you can pursue without diminishing yourself. Every other ends is an idol, a dead thing, and pursuing it as the big goal reduces you. See the book by Erich Fromm, You Shall Be As Gods: A Radical Interpretation of the Old Testament and Its Tradition.

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