I love this podcast on attachment:
Amy Alkon’s Advice Goddess Radio: “Nerd Your Way To A Better Life!” with the best brains in science.
This show will help you use the new field of adult attachment science to find love — or to keep and even vastly improve the relationship you have.
My guest is neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine, co-author with psychologist Rachel S.F. Heller, of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love.
If you’re seeking a partner, by recognizing which of the three attachment styles you fit into, you can help yourself avoid all the usual troubles you get into while dating.If you’re in a relationship, by recognizing which form of attachment you exhibit and which your partner does, you can stop battling each other, behave more lovingly to each other, and better meet each other’s needs.
The partner who longs for more closeness can recognize their need and stop always acting so demanding of a partner who needs a little more distance to feel comfortable. At the same time, they can come to understand that their partner loves them, and that it’s largely their style of attachment that makes them harangue the other person for closeness, which can help them pull back a little.
In turn, the person who’s more distant can recognize their style but come around in small and regular ways that reassure their more intimacy-seeking partner.
My style of attachment is anxious (as opposed to secure or avoidant). When I spot a facial or verbal cue that indicates someone doesn’t like me, I feel great anxiety and want to separate.
“Evolution is not about the happiness of the individual but the survival of the species.”
I tend to date avoidants. We reinforce each other’s view of the world and make each other unhappy. I need security and intimacy and go nuts with an avoidant girl, which is exciting and heartbreaking.
If you say who you are and what you want, it’s not needy. It’s powerful. It’s needy to claim you don’t need things that you yearn for. If you need reassurance and calls backs and texts and to know where your partner is, you can say that and avoid people who are avoidant. I attach way too quickly and usually to those who are bad for me.
“People will tell you everything about themselves in terms of their attachment style. You just have to listen.”
“People who pair up, survive, and those who don’t become tiger food.”
“If we become dependent on someone, we can do better with our jobs and our hobbies. We become more curious about the world and face into the world. We’re more likely to achieve our goals. Secure attachment, a secure base in a relationship, makes a huge difference. It changes our whole lives. When we know we have someone we can rely on… It’s the dependency paradox.”
“If you have high blood pressure and you’re in a good relationship, it will hold it at bay. If you’re in a bad relationship, it will make it worse. If you have a cut and you’re in a good relationship, it will heal faster.”
