Do you think Orthodox Jews in America are more likely to be honest in business than the average Jew?

Historian Marc B. Shapiro replies to my email: “Absolutely no.”

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What are the ten stupidest things that Orthodox Jews, particularly rabbis, believe?

I want to make a list (while staying within the daled amot aka orthodox Judaism):
* That the Chofetz Chaim embodies Judaism’s teachings about proper speech (he used mussar, frequently extreme, and aggadata and turned it into halacha). If you know any Orthodox rabbis well, or read their correspondence, you’ll see that they speak ill of people just as often as regular people, only they call it a mitzva because they’re just talking shop or exposing hypocrites and the like.
* That halacha decides how a Jewish community should run (instead see the responsa literature, halacha is frequently an ideal state unreachable in reality, such as requiring two witnesses to warn someone before he murders to get a conviction)
* That the Rambam’s 13 principles have been universally accepted by the great rabbis throughout history (when every principle has been disputed by great rabbis)
* That the rabbis aka gadolim lead us (look at child abuse, it is the lay people who’ve led the fight, dragging the rabbis kicking and screaming into taking action)
* That conversion classes are necessary for a conversion (only a modern phenomenon of past 150 years)

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Tales From Jewish Dating Hell

Dating is the one thing you get worse at the more you do of it.

I came to Los Angeles at age 27. I went to 20-something evenings at Aish Ha Torah. Then I started going to 30-somethings. What a difference! The youngies were filled with hope and life while the oldies were bitter and cynical and stuck in their ways.

A big reason that men like me prefer younger women is that they are generally less bitter, less sure of themselves, more flexible, and more open to admiring their man.

The more you date, the more bitter you tend to become. The rage becomes rigid.

As for that shanda that Jewish women are sexually cold, that has not been my experience.

In my first 18 months in LA, I got with about 20 women, most of whom were Jewish. They were very generous with me. One even lent me $500 when I needed to fix the car I was going to live out of (once I’d moved out from her pad because her family, friends and therapist said I was using her).

I had a reputation at Stephen S. Wise temple. They used to say that I was a whore.

A common thing I used to tell myself about my women, my homely women, was, “She’s the best I can do right now.” I didn’t want to be alone in my grief. I wanted to lose it inside of a woman. I wanted the hottest, smartest, finest woman I could get but I was more than happy much of the time to settle for fives. As long as they weren’t high maintenance.

I was a womanizer, but a very lazy womanizer, as Cathy Seipp put it in my memoir. I could never be bothered to put much effort into it.

I like a plain-spoken unpretentious woman. As long as she’s not too big or too musty, I’m quite happy with plain so long as she has a nice personality and likes to take care of her man, to cook and to clean, and to read books so that I always have stimulating company.

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Never Married Orthodox Jew – You’ve Got An Intimacy Disorder

If you’re an Orthodox Jew and you’re not married by age 28, barring some hideous deformity, you are 98% likely to have an intimacy disorder (usually expressed in men through porn addiction and in women through the acquisition of pets).

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The Case Against Masturbation

More than two months ago, I gave up masturbation. (About 16 years ago, I gave up promiscuity and about two years ago, I gave up porn and any kind of visual aid to masturbation.)

In 1990-1991, I gave it up for more than a year.

I notice with my new sobriety that I have more time. I save 20 minutes a day. I notice that I have more focus because I don’t have so many options. Whenever I had time on my hands in the past or when I felt anxious or wanted to escape or to get high, I thought about masturbating. Now I don’t.

I think I have more passion and direction. I don’t have as many options, so I just flow into my diminished choices and give more commitment to them — to work, to writing, to Torah, to friends.

I don’t store up erotic thoughts during the day to use at night. There’s this hot woman in my building and I could get drunk thinking about getting with her. When I walk down the street, I’ll often see a female with a particularly fine butt and my whole being becomes convinced that if I can just caress that part of her, my life will be awesome and my problems will disappear. Now that I can’t use these fantasies, can’t stoke them, I might spend less time in fantasy land and more time in reality.

I used to set myself limits with my masturbating. I determined that I wouldn’t masturbate to any fantasies that were cruel and exploitive. I had mixed success with this. I found that every time I masturbated, I was just ingraining my eroticized rage that much deeper.

It’s wonderful to have more sanity and dignity in my life.

I feel like I have more confidence because I conquer my beastly nature every day.

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In My Father’s Footsteps

My boss came to my shabbos lunch talk. He said he could see my dad Desmond. He said he could see my father’s example coming out in my strut as i walked back and forth making my points… He said he could see me in front of 25,000 people doing that. He said I must’ve had a pretty good teacher.

My step-mom says: “I remember you at 4, sitting in the pew and watching you dad speak and moving your arms around like him.”

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And Then They Become Goddesses

A friend writes: Is any woman less pleasant than the formerly hot 50 year old who does not get why men don’t want her? Then they all become “goddesses”. Beware the goddess!

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My Sobriety Tour

Fred emails: “Being a roadie on Luke’s Sexual Sobriety tour might be a good idea. One might meet chicks who are falling off the wagon, as it were.”

The 13th step is always the slipperiest.

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Posts Along The Way

I read this book by Rabbi Gil Student over Shabbos.

I don’t know much, but the book to me has a yeshivish feel, a Litvish feel, a right-wing Modern Orthodox sensibility. It feels like it was written by a baal teshuva (penitent).

This section on women’s prayer groups (pg. 141-142) grabbed my attention (it is based on the teachings of Rav Hershel Schachter):

Since, as the past thirty-five years have taught us, the drive towards egalitarianism includes — in practice if not inherently — a push toward promiscuity, significant steps toward egalitarianism are prohibited as a forbidden imitation of Gentile practice…

Yet the reader will certainly ask, what could be promiscuous about an all-woman prayer service? Quite the opposite. There might be less of a “social scene” at a WPG than at some regular synagogues. This, howeve,r is taking a very limited view of the phenomenon. “Women’s Liberation” and the “Sexual Revolution” are inherently tied together. The correspondence need not be direct for it to be entirely real. WPGs, as a facet of “Women’s Liberation”, are fundamentally linked to promiscuity.

Should you be happy during prayer? Not that it happens much in my experience, but I always took it for granted that being happy during prayer was good.

Rabbi Student writes:

While it may surprise many of us in today’s world, most of those writing against the organ pointed out that there is no mitzvah to be happy during prayer. Granted there was music in the Temple in Jerusalem, but the Chasam Sofer (Responsa 6:84) points out that this was not continued in synagogues and there was certainly a good reason for that: after the destruction of the Temple there can be no happiness in a house of worship. It certainly, he argues, is not a mitzvah to be happy during prayer.

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Chabad Vs Aish Ha Torah

I notice that Aish HaTorah people seem to be very sensitive about any criticism of Aish and to personally hold it against you if you criticize the company. On the other hand, Lubavitchers are about the most selfless people around and about as unruffled by criticism as humans can be.

Are my perceptions accurate? And if they are, why is this so?

My theory is that Aish HaTorah must feel a part of Ashkenazi Haredi Judaism and threats to that status are unsettling and anxiety-producing. The analogy I think of is the class anxiety of those who straddle two classes and don’t want to drop. So a bloke between lower and middle class and a bloke hovering between middle and upper class will demonstrate many signs of class anxiety, such as explaining that a garden gnome is ironic. This bloke was not upper class but had those aspirations and wanted to make clear that he was not middle class, while somebody at home in being upper class would feel no need to point out that the garden gnome was ironic and would instead say, “I love that gnome. He’s part of the family.” (Watching the English by Kate Frost)

Chabad is cool with doing its own thing because they had/have a charismatic leader in the rebbe. They don’t particularly care what outsiders think.

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