I’ve never heard a rabbi berate his congregation. I know it happened in the past but it is rare these days.
Marc Shapiro replies to my question: “[It is] not very common today, but in traditional societies it certainly happened. They would scream at them and tell them to repent, that sort of thing.”
Another Orthodox rabbi says to me: “Nope, always the opposite, how wonderful they are…”
Another Orthodox rabbi says to me: “No, it is prohibited to embarrass someone.”
I hear that 30 years ago it was easy to adopt a Jewish child because the Modern Orthodox rarely had abortions. You just had to call a Modern Orthodox rabbi or two and they’d put you in touch with some unmarried teenage girl who wanted to give up her baby for adoption. No longer. Supposedly the MO rabbis now say that they aren’t even asked by their congregants whether it is permitted to have abortions, the MO girls just go ahead and have them, and thus it is much harder to find a Jewish child to adopt.
Two Modern Orthodox rabbis tell me the above is not true, that Modern Orthodox girls do not get pregnant outside of marriage.
We all use paradigms and stories to organize information and to give it meaning.
I’ve been Facebooking with a bloke about the similar stories we tell ourselves about being unwanted. We both had certain rejections in our childhood from other kids and we find ourselves replaying these incidents in our minds and perhaps re-enacting them.
Again and again, I return in my head to the following stories to make sense of life:
* The Uninvited.
In second grade, my classmate Gavin Brown had a birthday party. I was not invited. My best friend Wayne Cherry, however, was invited. I was playing at his house and his mom intervened with Gavin’s dad and got me invited to the party.
As I rode my bike into the bush with the other kids, they made sure to let me know that they hadn’t wanted me to come along.
I guess I keep remembering this story because variations of it repeat in my life. I’ve become convinced that many people, particularly the cool people, are not going to want me around. I steel myself for their rejection and figuring they won’t like me anyway, I don’t take care to keep my behavior and speech within what’s appropriate and often bring about the rejection I figured was heading my way anyway.
There’s something in me that gets excited about pushing people out of my life before they can reject me from theirs. I get a great charge out of saying and writing provocative, even repellent, things. I get giddy, all tee hee, and ignore the consequences of my words.
* The Victim
I had a job where I worked a varying number of hours each week. At the end of the week, I would add up my hours and give the boss my invoice and with but one exception, I always got paid that day. Occasionally, I’d have to wait around ten minutes after work to get my check. To try to avoid such a wait, I’d find myself reminding my boss through the afternoon to give me my check. Often I’d yell this out in front of other people.
“It’s not all about you,” he’d reply. If I didn’t remind him, I feared I would either not get my check that day or have to wait around off-the-clock for my money.
“I’m screwed either way,” I’d find myself thinking on these afternoons. “If I say something, he’ll complain. If I don’t say anything, he’ll complain that I didn’t remind him. It will bloody serve him right if 5 p.m. comes and he hasn’t given me my check and I just leave anyway and then he’ll feel bad. I don’t mind getting hurt if I can wound him.”
Hurting myself has long been an appealing option for me if I think I can use my wound as a way to induce guilt. It’s such a primal desire, it goes back as far as my earliest memories.
* Unworthy of Love And Good Things
One hot afternoon by Dora Creek in Cooranbong, Australia, I was swimming at the point with my friend Wayne Cherry. A mother was with her kids and she offered us ice cream. It was a hot day and the prospect enticed me but I said no for some strange reason. I just didn’t want to say yes to what I wanted most.
In sixth grade, when I came to America, the most beautiful girl in the class, Cindy, dropped a note on my desk and asked me to go with her. I got frozen and couldn’t respond for a day or two, and then I just teased her, even though connecting with her was what I wanted most in the world. I couldn’t say yes to what I wanted most.
I’ve had jobs and been offered raises and I’d say, “I don’t deserve that.”
Something in me feels unworthy of receiving love and other good things. I’m familiar with misery. I’m not so familiar with joy and connection. Perhaps that world scares me?
* The Supplicant
I don’t like asking for help, but find myself doing periodically because I haven’t made the choices that would provide me with a solid bank account and health insurance and support system and strong community, etc. So I often get into a desperate mode and I find myself saying in my head, “I’ve got to survive. I’m just in survival mode now. I’m just going to steel myself, surrender my dignity, and ask around for help. I’ll put it on my blog or Facebook. I don’t care about my honor.”
My therapist said I reminded her of a hungry infant who was convinced the best would run dry so he was sucking all he could get right now.
* I Have To Be Passionate About My Job/Subject To Succeed
I believe I have to be passionate about my job or my school subject to do well. I tell myself I’ve never done well at things I wasn’t interested in. I’ve never had an interest in science, for example. I’ve had many jobs where I could find little to be excited about, so I just showed up and did the tasks in front of me, while dreaming of a better day.
* If I Just Had That Girl, I’d Be Fine
Sometimes I meet a woman who takes my breath away and my whole being becomes convinced that if I could just have her, everything else in my life would be fine.
I’m hoping that by writing these stories out, I can see how irrational and self-defeating they are and I can more effectively challenge them when they come up for me in the face of some setback.
A friend says: “I always thought you should create a book for young people based on your youth experiences – that would be a really positive contribution to youth culture as I felt really alone with my experiences until I listened to you. I’m sure there’s plenty like me who would benefit from that and feel more comfortable with what they are going through.”
When I was rehearsing my one-man play in April, I met with my teacher to get her feedback.
Teacher: Think about who you are talking to. Is the audience my friend? My therapist? Why am I saying this? What do I want and need from the audience? Do I want to have connection? Do I want to be off-putting? Do I want to shock them? That will determine what you say and how you say it. Do you want to treat the audience as your friend and confidant, regardless of whether or not you know people in the audience.
You have to justify as the playwright why you’re saying this and then who you’re talking to. If I made the audience my mother, I’d say different things than if I wanted the audience to be my friend.
Luke: “The audience is my friend Joey, who cannot be offended and is interested in what I have to say.”
T: What do I want and need from the audience?
Luke: “I want them to have a deeper understanding of themselves and of their addictions. Almost everybody has addictions. My show is about emotional addiction, eroticized rage is a subset of emotional addiction.”
T: Set that up. What do you need to say if you want people in the audience to understand themselves better? That also means reaching out.
Luke: “I thought that the deepest and clearest I got about myself, that gives me the most likelihood of connecting?”
What does it mean and do to you to say it out loud? Is their shame, embarrassment, guilt, relief and release? I want to hear that. There’s a disconnect between what you’re saying and how it feels to you. I don’t know if that is part of the emotional addiction and disconnection? I want to hear you addressing it. Is it easy for you to talk about this? Are you pushing yourself? Do you care what we think? There’s going to be a different reaction from women hearing this.
Luke: “My primary goal is to say the truest thing I can say, no matter what the consequences.”
T: How does that affect you? I get immense candor and then I can’t tell if it is bravery or this is part of the addiction. There’s a disconnect between what he’s saying and how he’s relating it and being witnessed in this moment.
Luke: “I’m an addict trying to talk to you with as much clarity as I can.”
T: I want to get more about where you are and what is this like to talk about it, to say it out loud, to admit it to yourself.
Luke: “It’s not that hard. It was at various times. I’ve said so many times at meetings, I’m a sex addict.”
T: Then I want to know that motivation, what is it to want to tell people I’m a sex addict.
Luke: “I want to make myself as repulsive as possible. Throughout my life, I’ve wanted to come across as repellent as possible so you’ll keep your distance from me and I won’t get hurt.”
T: Are you released by talking about it?
“A bit. I’m isolated as well.”
T: I want to hear that. I want to hear about the vulnerability of talking about this.
“It’s the cross I’ve chosen.”
T: That’s a great thing to bring up and to weave in.
UPON REFLECTION, HERE IS HOW I WOULD ANSWER MY TEACHER’S QUESTIONS:
T: “Why am I saying this? Why am I choosing to tell this story”
Luke: “I’m saying this because this is what interests me. This topic is what I’ve been thinking about the past two years. I read books on this, listen to lectures, and hit several meetings a week. This topic is a big part of my life. I’ve made some major changes. I want to talk about what is on top of my agenda. When I discuss this topic with other people, they often have a big interest in it too.”
“If I get passionate about something, and talk to people about it, I find that many others get interested too. So talking about my interests is a way for me to connect with people.”
“I want my audience to have a deeper understanding of life.”
“I’m thinking, whoa, this is cool! This is changing my life. I see many people who would benefit from the things I’m discovering. I’m free from many of my obsessions and addictions.”
T: “Think about who you are talking to. Is the audience my friend? My therapist?”
Luke: “I think of the audience as interested. I guess I personify the audience as an interested friend but it doesn’t really matter for my show if the interested person is a friend or stranger. If I thought of the audience as an interested enemy, then that would inhibit me, so I don’t do that.”
T: “What do I want and need from the audience?”
Luke: “I want their attention. If they have addictions and can relate to my story, then I would want them to prompt them to get the help they need. Perhaps something I say will give them a deeper level of insight? Perhaps it will push them to seek out a therapist or a 12-step program. Perhaps it will have them to think about their self-defeating behavior in one area of their life as an addiction that can be faced, understood and overcome. Addiction is a self-defeating spiral into destruction or a doorway into enlightenment. Your choice.”
“What makes me want to connect to a performer on stage? Vulnerability. The unexpected and heartfelt revelation. The sense that the person wants to connect with me. Brilliance. Inspiration. Motivation. Goodness.”
T: “What does it mean to me to say this stuff out loud?”
L: “This question gave me the hardest time. I didn’t know how to answer it. I sat in Starbucks sipping iced tea writing out possible answers. Then I’d get up and walk around and try to answer it. Finally, I went to therapy and discussed it.
“The question is hard to answer because discussing what is going on in my head is what I do as a writer. My primary identity is that of writer. I put down on paper and on blogs what I’m thinking and struggling over. There’s almost nothing I struggle with that I won’t write about.
“What does it mean to me to say this stuff out loud? It means that I am doing what I do and what I’m good at and what makes me feel alive and full of purpose. I’m doing what connects me to people who share my interests. What’s different about performing a solo show is that I am saying these things in front of people and I feel more vulnerable than when I say them on my blog or Facebook. A show is much less comfortable for me. Much more awkward. I feel more tense. I feel more protected behind my computer.”
“Why did I take a six-month class to create a solo show? Because Terrie Silverman taught it. It was her master class. I’d been taking writing classes from her for three years so I thought I’d give this a whirl. I love her teaching.
“I took it primarily to improve my writing and my performance skills. My dad’s a great public speaker and I think I can be too.
“So why did I choose the topic of eroticized rage? Because it interested me. I’ve been reading books about it and talking to people on the topic and there seem to be a lot of people in the world who have this, so I thought I’d mine it. Taking this class was a professional decision for me, not an emotional. My choice of topic was the same. This is an important topic. Many people will be interested in it. I can contribute something. Maybe I’ll get a book or movie out of it?”
“I sense that many people do solo shows for therapeutic reasons, for emotional catharsis and release. I felt some release but emotions weren’t the primary reason I took the class and performed my play. I took on the class for similar reasons to why I spent three years to become an Alexander Technique teacher. I thought it would be good for me. It would improve my skills and it would be an interesting and valuable exploration of things I could be good at.”
“I went to class and did the assignments with the same diligence that I bring to jobs and to my schooling and to my career as a writer and public speaker.”
“When you’ve been thinking about yourself as a writer for decades, it’s hard to answer the question, what does doing this mean to you? It’s who I am. It’s top-line behavior, to use a 12-step term.”
“When I performed my show, the audience was quiet. I could see them wriggle in their chairs. They were listening but they weren’t comfortable. Sex addiction is a hard topic to talk about publicly. Few of my friends get it. They think it’s bunk.
“I didn’t enjoy performing my show. I rarely enjoyed my rehearsals. The whole thing felt like a job to me. I decided early in my life that I was a writer and this was just an extension of that lifelong commitment. I don’t ask why I put on tefillin in the morning. It’s just a commitment I took on.”
“I felt disconnected from my emotions when I performed my show and when I rehearsed it. This is an awkward topic to talk about. I learned early in my life, when I was a foster child from age one to four, that it was easier to do difficult things if you disconnect from your emotions. So I go on stage and I talk with candor by disconnecting from my emotions and from the awkward feelings all around me. I strap on my armor and shut down my emotions so that I can say the things I want to say.”
“This topic feels like a coda to my writing of 1995-2007. I feel like I’m explaining my life. I guess I want you to understand me.”
T: “What does it do to you to say it out loud?”
“My dominant feeling is uncomfortable. I tense up. I steel myself for negative repercussions. I feel like I’m negotiating a minefield. Can I get absolution by attributing my past bad behavior to my addiction?”
“I want this show and this topic to open up professional opportunities for me. That’s the primary reason I chose to do it. It’s for my work. It’s an attempt to get things going in my career as a writer.”
T: “Is their shame, embarrassment, guilt, relief and release? I want to hear that. There’s a disconnect between what you’re saying and how it feels to you. I don’t know if that is part of the emotional addiction and disconnection? I want to hear you addressing it. Is it easy for you to talk about this? Are you pushing yourself? Do you care what we think? There’s going to be a different reaction from women hearing this.”
L: “Yes, there’s shame, embarrassment, guilty, relief and release, but none of these emotions, even the pleasant ones, are my primary motivation for doing this show. These emotions are not terribly important to me. I’m investing in this class and show because I think they will be good for my writing and public speaking.
“As for the emotional disconnect, you’re nailing it. I’ve steeled myself to tell as much truth as I can by disconnecting from my emotions. I suspect that the more times I do my show, the more my script gets fixed, the more I will free up to experience my emotions appropriate to what I’m talking about. It’s not easy for me to talk about this. I am pushing myself. Do I care what the audience thinks? A bit. I love feedback but I’m not going to constrain my show by the sensibilities of those in the audience. I’ll take them into account. I can feel myself doing different versions of the show for different audiences.”
“My primary goal is to say the truest thing I can say, no matter what the consequences.”
T: “How does that affect you? I get immense candor and then I can’t tell if it is bravery or this is part of the addiction. There’s a disconnect between what he’s saying and how he’s relating it and being witnessed in this moment.”
L: “It affects me. I have to steel myself and disconnect from many of my emotions to do this show. If I felt everything I was talking about, I’m not sure I could do the show. As the material becomes increasingly familiar to me, as I do it over and over, I’m sure I’ll open up to it emotionally in my performance and there won’t be such a disconnect between what I’m saying and my affect.”
T: “I want to get more about where you are and what is this like to talk about it, to say it out loud, to admit it to yourself.”
L: “I’m still figuring it out. I see myself as on the road to recovery from my emotional addictions. Because I’m in process, because this type of sobriety is not as clear as not drinking and drugging, it’s not as clear. There isn’t as much clear-cut confidence and celebration in my type of program as there is in AA and NA. When I admit my addiction to myself, sometimes I believe it 100% and sometimes I say, this is just an approach and it has helped your life, so keep going with it. It doesn’t matter whether or not you regard it as a disease. For the past few years, I’ve not been in a triumphant place in life so it is easier to see myself as a helpless addict who needs God. It feels OK to accept that many of my basic impulses are not good for me, let alone others. If I were triumphant with my life, it would be harder to second-guess myself so much, to surrender to God, to turn over the reins of my life to Him.”
“Talking out loud about my addictions reminds me of who I am, keeps me humble and grounded in my program, helps me gain clarity. It stimulates me to talk out loud about this stuff with different people. I don’t need to proselytize for sex addiction, I don’t need to persuade anyone to believe in it, I find enough people who are interested in the topic and resonate with it. I get some heartfelt responses. It makes me feel like I’m connecting to the marrow of life.”
Unless an addict wants to get help, there’s not much you can do for them. You might want to join a group like Al Anon, a “fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.”
Even if your addicted friend is not an alcoholic, you can learn much wisdom from Al Anon.
The best thing you can do for your marriage or for yourself is to get healthy by going to a good therapist. We don’t form relationships with addicts for no reason. There’s something about the drama of relating to an addict that feels good to us. There are no victims in relationships (short of criminal behavior). We chose to relate to that person. We chose to bring him into our life. A therapist can help us understand why.
Can a sex addict ever resume a normal healthy relationship? Certainly he can, just as an alcoholic or drug addict or food addict or debt addict can pull himself together.
Is any sexual contact outside of marriage breaking sobriety for a sex addict? Different 12-step programs for sex addiction have different perspectives. According to Sexaholics Anonymous, any sex outside of marriage is breaking your sobriety. For another program, any sex outside of a relationship is breaking sobriety. For other programs, the individual chooses his own bottom line behaviors he wants to avoid (such as the use of porn or prostitutes) and chooses his own adventure.
Many 12-programs use the term “qualifier” to denote the person who triggered the addict into realizing he had an addiction. In sex and love addiction 12-step programs, addicts generally regard contact with a qualifier as a bad idea.
I know there are lots of women out there who just drive me crazy. I get with them and get on that emotional roller coaster and I lose my emotional sobriety. I get nuts.
What should you expect when an addict tells you he’s been working a 12-step program and he wants to make amends? It means he wants to list off the bad things he did to you and to apologize for them. If he stole from you, he should want to pay you back. If he did you any harm and he can repair it, an addict in recovery should want to make those repairs.
If you had a relationship with a sex or love addict, you may not want to see him again. You may not want to hear his apologies. That’s your right. There’s nothing wrong with saying no. In some cases, such an addict will realize that making a particular amends will do more harm than good.
I recommend the book The Ex Factor by Stephan Poulter and Pia Mellody‘s books on codependency and love addiction.
And these videos and podcasts:
http://www.youtube.com/user/familytreecounseling
Walking down Pico Blvd, this middle-aged white guy with a baseball cap on a bike stops me. “Rabbi, I have a question,” he says. “You’re a real rabbi, right, not a Jew for Jesus?” I tell him I’m not a rabbi. “But you’re the real deal, right?” he says. I say yes and I start coughing uncontrollably. He asks me if I’m all right. I finally manage to stop coughing and he tells me he made a lot of money in show business from James Gandolfini and wants to donate in his name, but is that ok considering Gandolfini is a goy? I told him that donating in his name would be a beautiful thing and he biked off happy.
* Pearl Reich says she waited seven years for her get (Jewish divorce). “And so I just left court with another five victories…. But one loss which hurts me deeply. Our life now is full of personal, private pain and struggles but I know our kids lives are one of glory, hope and freedom of expression garnished with religious tolerance….they’re glowing from happiness one day at a time. Unfortunately freedom comes with a heavy price when coming out of a insulated and isolated cult.”
New Iranian president; Jewish comedian Bruce Vilanch takes the stage; Texas-style barbecue goes kosher with the Hakadosh BBQ food truck; Yiddish is revived through performance and a new documentary, “Yiddish: A Tale of Survival.”
Stephen Steinlight emails: Hi, Friends,
Below is a list of where Senators currently stand on S.744 from this morning’s Washington Post. It’s an excellent guide for focusing your efforts. In light of the new (meaningless) border security plan put forward by Senator Corker and Senator Hoeven, it’s important to make the following point: We could build a wall 1,000 feet high for 2,000 miles, have 100,000 Marines guard it, and use every piece of modern technology from sound sensors to drones — and it wouldn’t make one bit of difference to the future of the Republican Party. Yes, it might help deter some of the 30,000 people from countries on the Terrorist Watch List from crossing, but it will have ZERO impact on the Republican Party’s future.
Because of the malfeasance of several Administrations, Congress and others we have some 12-20 million illegal aliens here. We don’t need one additional border crosser to cause a sea change in American political life. Once these folks are legalized, get Green Cards and citizenship — and within a time frame will be much shorter then we are being told — they can avail themselves of the most powerful engine in the entire immigration system, extended family unification. They will then bring in their relatives, and even if the number is whittled down a tiny bit, we are still speaking of tens of millions of LEGAL immigrants from Mexico. Given everything we know about their politics from the Pew Hispanic Center, this will turn America into California. No Republican will be competitive for national office, and we will lose the firewall of Texas within a decade or less.
Please make this message central to any communication with Republican Senators. I know it’s useless with the fat cats who only care about rewarding donors with an unending supply of cheap labor, but many Senators actually do care about the future of the GOP and the conservative cause.
YES (50)
45 Democratic senators
Ayotte (R-N.H.) – announced support
Flake (R-Ariz.) – Gang of Eight member, voted yes in committee
Graham (R-S.C.) – Gang of Eight member, voted yes in committee
Kirk (R-Ill.) – announced support
McCain (R-Ariz.) – Gang of Eight member
LIKELY YES (8)
Corker (R-Tenn.) – crafted border security deal
Hatch (R-Utah) – voted yes in committee
Hoeven (R-N.D.) – crafted border security deal
Murkowski (R-Alaska)
Rubio (R-Fla.) – Gang of Eight member
Begich (D-Alaska) – up for reeleection in 2014
Landrieu (D-La.) – up for reeleection in 2014, voted against 2007 bill
Pryor (D-Ark.) – up for reeleection in 2014, voted against 2007 bill
POTENTIALLY YES (6)
Alexander (R-Tenn.)
Blunt (R-Mo.)
Chambliss (R-Ga.) – retiring
Collins (R-Maine)
Heller (R-Nev.)
Johanns (R-Neb.) – retiring
UNDETERMINED (19)
Burr (R-N.C.)
Chiesa (R-N.J.) – temporary appointee
Coats (R-Ind.)
Coburn (R-Okla.)
Fischer (R-Neb.)
Isakson (R-Ga.)
Johnson (R-Wis.)
McConnell (R-Ky.) – up for reelection in 2014
Moran (R-Kan.)
Portman (R-Ohio)
Thune (R-S.D.)
Toomey (R-Pa.)
Wicker (R-Miss.)
Baucus (D-Mont.) – retiring, voted against 2007 bill
Hagan (D-N.C.) – up for reeleection in 2014
Johnson (D-S.D.) – retiring
Manchin (D-W.Va.)
Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) – retiring, voted against 2007 bill
Tester (D-Mont.) – voted against 2007 bill
LIKELY NO (12)
Barrasso (R-Wyo.) – voted against motion to proceed
Boozman (R-Ark.) – voted against motion to proceed
Cochran (R-Miss.) – voted against motion to proceed
Cornyn (R-Texas) – voted no in committee
Crapo (R-Idaho) – voted against motion to proceed
Enzi (R-Wyo.) – voted against motion to proceed
Inhofe (R-Okla.) – voted against motion to proceed
Paul (R-Ky.)
Risch (R-Idaho) – voted against motion to proceed
Roberts (R-Kan.) – voted against motion to proceed
Scott (R-S.C.) – voted against motion to proceed
Shelby (R-Ala.) – voted against motion to proceed
NO (5)
Cruz (R-Texas) – wrote letter in opposition, voted no in committee
Grassley (R-Iowa) – wrote letter in opposition, voted no in committee
Lee (R-Utah) – wrote letter in opposition, voted no in committee
Sessions (R-Ala.) – wrote letter in opposition, voted no in committee
Vitter (R-La.) – announced opposition
Chris R. says: “The therapists can’t help us. The doctors with their medications can’t help us. The clergy can help us to a point. The only person who can help us is a fellow addict. When did we stop being a spiritual program and become a stupid self-help program?”
Mark Smith: “Often you’re trying to keep your ugly truths stuffed down beneath your psychological defenses. Your spouse will often be an expert witness who will rat you out and expose your soft underbelly.”
“Your therapist has a scalpel and he’ll make you bleed. It isn’t about feeling better, it’s about getting better, and that starts with knowing who you are.”
“Your defenses get eviscerated and this exposes your shame, but it also gets at your heart and soul.”
“Marriage is designed to tear down your defenses. It’s designed to hurt you. Marriage is the big truth-teller. It ain’t gonna tell you much truth for most people the first five years. It’s gonna tell you some lies.”
“If you were abandoned in your childhood, you’ll be abandoned in your marriage. If you were raged at in your childhood, you’ll be raged at in your marriage.”
“For most couples, the good times disappear after about seven years and then you slowly drift apart and there’s this emotional cut-off and that’s when the bombs goes off.”
“The things you learn about yourself aren’t shaming truths at all, they just feel shaming.”
“Almost everybody needs to be in recovery for something be it co-dependency or counter-dependency or workaholism or sexual addiction or depression or abandonment issue. Recovery is just knowing the truth about who you are and working on it.”
“Therapy is just a get-acquainted meeting where you go every week and get better acquainted with yourself.”
“Our defenses are meant to keep us from knowing too much about ourselves but people who come across us, they know but it’s not polite at parties to just come out and say it but everybody’s thinking it.”
“Your spouse’s job is to introduce you to yourself.”
Luke: I took this writing class and I was struck by how difficult it was for all of us to take feedback. I’d get copious notes from the teacher and I’d only review them once or twice because it was so challenging. We all got specific feedback from the teacher and from each other about what was working, but was it hard for us to incorporate it as opposed to the relief of living in our set beliefs about what works. I still have all the feedback recorded so that over time, I can take more in. Denial is a protective device that stops us from feeling that the world is shifting under our feet and that reality is not what we think. Moving out of it is slow unless the pain of living in it becomes more intense than the pain of changing.
* My tee hee personality has been dormant the past six years or so but I’m noticing it coming out this weekend. The boost from the modafinil and the prospect of good things on the horizon makes me giddy so I’ve been getting obnoxious and lost two friends over the past 40 hours through spontaneous disparaging comments. I will try to dial it down and be good. The past six years, I’ve been feeling small in a big world, but now I’m drifting into grandiosity where I say and do stupid things, but it’s so much fun feeling like King of the World!
