When I was rehearsing my one-man play in April, I met with my teacher to get her feedback.
Teacher: Think about who you are talking to. Is the audience my friend? My therapist? Why am I saying this? What do I want and need from the audience? Do I want to have connection? Do I want to be off-putting? Do I want to shock them? That will determine what you say and how you say it. Do you want to treat the audience as your friend and confidant, regardless of whether or not you know people in the audience.
You have to justify as the playwright why you’re saying this and then who you’re talking to. If I made the audience my mother, I’d say different things than if I wanted the audience to be my friend.
Luke: “The audience is my friend Joey, who cannot be offended and is interested in what I have to say.”
T: What do I want and need from the audience?
Luke: “I want them to have a deeper understanding of themselves and of their addictions. Almost everybody has addictions. My show is about emotional addiction, eroticized rage is a subset of emotional addiction.”
T: Set that up. What do you need to say if you want people in the audience to understand themselves better? That also means reaching out.
Luke: “I thought that the deepest and clearest I got about myself, that gives me the most likelihood of connecting?”
What does it mean and do to you to say it out loud? Is their shame, embarrassment, guilt, relief and release? I want to hear that. There’s a disconnect between what you’re saying and how it feels to you. I don’t know if that is part of the emotional addiction and disconnection? I want to hear you addressing it. Is it easy for you to talk about this? Are you pushing yourself? Do you care what we think? There’s going to be a different reaction from women hearing this.
Luke: “My primary goal is to say the truest thing I can say, no matter what the consequences.”
T: How does that affect you? I get immense candor and then I can’t tell if it is bravery or this is part of the addiction. There’s a disconnect between what he’s saying and how he’s relating it and being witnessed in this moment.
Luke: “I’m an addict trying to talk to you with as much clarity as I can.”
T: I want to get more about where you are and what is this like to talk about it, to say it out loud, to admit it to yourself.
Luke: “It’s not that hard. It was at various times. I’ve said so many times at meetings, I’m a sex addict.”
T: Then I want to know that motivation, what is it to want to tell people I’m a sex addict.
Luke: “I want to make myself as repulsive as possible. Throughout my life, I’ve wanted to come across as repellent as possible so you’ll keep your distance from me and I won’t get hurt.”
T: Are you released by talking about it?
“A bit. I’m isolated as well.”
T: I want to hear that. I want to hear about the vulnerability of talking about this.
“It’s the cross I’ve chosen.”
T: That’s a great thing to bring up and to weave in.
UPON REFLECTION, HERE IS HOW I WOULD ANSWER MY TEACHER’S QUESTIONS:
T: “Why am I saying this? Why am I choosing to tell this story”
Luke: “I’m saying this because this is what interests me. This topic is what I’ve been thinking about the past two years. I read books on this, listen to lectures, and hit several meetings a week. This topic is a big part of my life. I’ve made some major changes. I want to talk about what is on top of my agenda. When I discuss this topic with other people, they often have a big interest in it too.”
“If I get passionate about something, and talk to people about it, I find that many others get interested too. So talking about my interests is a way for me to connect with people.”
“I want my audience to have a deeper understanding of life.”
“I’m thinking, whoa, this is cool! This is changing my life. I see many people who would benefit from the things I’m discovering. I’m free from many of my obsessions and addictions.”
T: “Think about who you are talking to. Is the audience my friend? My therapist?”
Luke: “I think of the audience as interested. I guess I personify the audience as an interested friend but it doesn’t really matter for my show if the interested person is a friend or stranger. If I thought of the audience as an interested enemy, then that would inhibit me, so I don’t do that.”
T: “What do I want and need from the audience?”
Luke: “I want their attention. If they have addictions and can relate to my story, then I would want them to prompt them to get the help they need. Perhaps something I say will give them a deeper level of insight? Perhaps it will push them to seek out a therapist or a 12-step program. Perhaps it will have them to think about their self-defeating behavior in one area of their life as an addiction that can be faced, understood and overcome. Addiction is a self-defeating spiral into destruction or a doorway into enlightenment. Your choice.”
“What makes me want to connect to a performer on stage? Vulnerability. The unexpected and heartfelt revelation. The sense that the person wants to connect with me. Brilliance. Inspiration. Motivation. Goodness.”
T: “What does it mean to me to say this stuff out loud?”
L: “This question gave me the hardest time. I didn’t know how to answer it. I sat in Starbucks sipping iced tea writing out possible answers. Then I’d get up and walk around and try to answer it. Finally, I went to therapy and discussed it.
“The question is hard to answer because discussing what is going on in my head is what I do as a writer. My primary identity is that of writer. I put down on paper and on blogs what I’m thinking and struggling over. There’s almost nothing I struggle with that I won’t write about.
“What does it mean to me to say this stuff out loud? It means that I am doing what I do and what I’m good at and what makes me feel alive and full of purpose. I’m doing what connects me to people who share my interests. What’s different about performing a solo show is that I am saying these things in front of people and I feel more vulnerable than when I say them on my blog or Facebook. A show is much less comfortable for me. Much more awkward. I feel more tense. I feel more protected behind my computer.”
“Why did I take a six-month class to create a solo show? Because Terrie Silverman taught it. It was her master class. I’d been taking writing classes from her for three years so I thought I’d give this a whirl. I love her teaching.
“I took it primarily to improve my writing and my performance skills. My dad’s a great public speaker and I think I can be too.
“So why did I choose the topic of eroticized rage? Because it interested me. I’ve been reading books about it and talking to people on the topic and there seem to be a lot of people in the world who have this, so I thought I’d mine it. Taking this class was a professional decision for me, not an emotional. My choice of topic was the same. This is an important topic. Many people will be interested in it. I can contribute something. Maybe I’ll get a book or movie out of it?”
“I sense that many people do solo shows for therapeutic reasons, for emotional catharsis and release. I felt some release but emotions weren’t the primary reason I took the class and performed my play. I took on the class for similar reasons to why I spent three years to become an Alexander Technique teacher. I thought it would be good for me. It would improve my skills and it would be an interesting and valuable exploration of things I could be good at.”
“I went to class and did the assignments with the same diligence that I bring to jobs and to my schooling and to my career as a writer and public speaker.”
“When you’ve been thinking about yourself as a writer for decades, it’s hard to answer the question, what does doing this mean to you? It’s who I am. It’s top-line behavior, to use a 12-step term.”
“When I performed my show, the audience was quiet. I could see them wriggle in their chairs. They were listening but they weren’t comfortable. Sex addiction is a hard topic to talk about publicly. Few of my friends get it. They think it’s bunk.
“I didn’t enjoy performing my show. I rarely enjoyed my rehearsals. The whole thing felt like a job to me. I decided early in my life that I was a writer and this was just an extension of that lifelong commitment. I don’t ask why I put on tefillin in the morning. It’s just a commitment I took on.”
“I felt disconnected from my emotions when I performed my show and when I rehearsed it. This is an awkward topic to talk about. I learned early in my life, when I was a foster child from age one to four, that it was easier to do difficult things if you disconnect from your emotions. So I go on stage and I talk with candor by disconnecting from my emotions and from the awkward feelings all around me. I strap on my armor and shut down my emotions so that I can say the things I want to say.”
“This topic feels like a coda to my writing of 1995-2007. I feel like I’m explaining my life. I guess I want you to understand me.”
T: “What does it do to you to say it out loud?”
“My dominant feeling is uncomfortable. I tense up. I steel myself for negative repercussions. I feel like I’m negotiating a minefield. Can I get absolution by attributing my past bad behavior to my addiction?”
“I want this show and this topic to open up professional opportunities for me. That’s the primary reason I chose to do it. It’s for my work. It’s an attempt to get things going in my career as a writer.”
T: “Is their shame, embarrassment, guilt, relief and release? I want to hear that. There’s a disconnect between what you’re saying and how it feels to you. I don’t know if that is part of the emotional addiction and disconnection? I want to hear you addressing it. Is it easy for you to talk about this? Are you pushing yourself? Do you care what we think? There’s going to be a different reaction from women hearing this.”
L: “Yes, there’s shame, embarrassment, guilty, relief and release, but none of these emotions, even the pleasant ones, are my primary motivation for doing this show. These emotions are not terribly important to me. I’m investing in this class and show because I think they will be good for my writing and public speaking.
“As for the emotional disconnect, you’re nailing it. I’ve steeled myself to tell as much truth as I can by disconnecting from my emotions. I suspect that the more times I do my show, the more my script gets fixed, the more I will free up to experience my emotions appropriate to what I’m talking about. It’s not easy for me to talk about this. I am pushing myself. Do I care what the audience thinks? A bit. I love feedback but I’m not going to constrain my show by the sensibilities of those in the audience. I’ll take them into account. I can feel myself doing different versions of the show for different audiences.”
“My primary goal is to say the truest thing I can say, no matter what the consequences.”
T: “How does that affect you? I get immense candor and then I can’t tell if it is bravery or this is part of the addiction. There’s a disconnect between what he’s saying and how he’s relating it and being witnessed in this moment.”
L: “It affects me. I have to steel myself and disconnect from many of my emotions to do this show. If I felt everything I was talking about, I’m not sure I could do the show. As the material becomes increasingly familiar to me, as I do it over and over, I’m sure I’ll open up to it emotionally in my performance and there won’t be such a disconnect between what I’m saying and my affect.”
T: “I want to get more about where you are and what is this like to talk about it, to say it out loud, to admit it to yourself.”
L: “I’m still figuring it out. I see myself as on the road to recovery from my emotional addictions. Because I’m in process, because this type of sobriety is not as clear as not drinking and drugging, it’s not as clear. There isn’t as much clear-cut confidence and celebration in my type of program as there is in AA and NA. When I admit my addiction to myself, sometimes I believe it 100% and sometimes I say, this is just an approach and it has helped your life, so keep going with it. It doesn’t matter whether or not you regard it as a disease. For the past few years, I’ve not been in a triumphant place in life so it is easier to see myself as a helpless addict who needs God. It feels OK to accept that many of my basic impulses are not good for me, let alone others. If I were triumphant with my life, it would be harder to second-guess myself so much, to surrender to God, to turn over the reins of my life to Him.”
“Talking out loud about my addictions reminds me of who I am, keeps me humble and grounded in my program, helps me gain clarity. It stimulates me to talk out loud about this stuff with different people. I don’t need to proselytize for sex addiction, I don’t need to persuade anyone to believe in it, I find enough people who are interested in the topic and resonate with it. I get some heartfelt responses. It makes me feel like I’m connecting to the marrow of life.”
