I Cammed All Night

My new Ultravision Quickcam from Logitech has night vision, so I left it on all night as I slept, or more particularly, did not sleep, afraid I’d do something obscene that would forever shame the Jewish people.

My alarm went off at 6:30 a.m. so I could go to shul and pray.

Getting out of the shower, I realized my towel was not in the bathroom. Looking around for coverage, I could find only a small hand towel on the fridge. No way would this be big enough to cover what I have to offer the world. So I waved it around strategically — trying not to get too excited and enlarge my problem — as I dashed to my towel and back.

After pulling on my tzitzit, I checked my chat room. Nobody was awake enough to have caught my involuntary show.

Thank G-d for small blessings.

On the downside, there was no content there for me to cut and paste after my hard night of tossing and turning.

From Tuesday morning’s chat:

YHWH:  luke do you consider yourself a prophet?
YourMoralLeader:  a bit
RussianDragon:  the devil is speaking again
RussianDragon:  creepy
YHWH:  every time you go for that jug, it knocks your sound around
YHWH:  you’re hitting a wire or cable every time you pickup the jub of urine
QuietStorm:  green tea for the soul
guest528:  hes making me dizzy…………….
RussianDragon:  it’s the sulfure
YHWH:  how much does this cam cost Luke?
YHWH:  is ti free?
RussianDragon:  hubble, bubble, toil and trouble I cast my spell tonight
YHWH:  i mean the feed
YHWH:  not the cam itselfr
QuietStorm:  it’s free YHWH
RamBam:  Do you shake a woman’s hand when you meet her?
RussianDragon:  only when he w**ks himself before
guest531:  Luke, you need to shave! You’re starting to look like the Unabomber
RussianDragon:  he’s thinking about if he is left or right handed or both
YourMoralLeader:  try to avoid shaking hands iwth women
YourMoralLeader:  it could lead to dancing
QuietStorm:  what is the purpose of that Luke?
RamBam:  Because they could be niddah, QuietStorm
QuietStorm:  oh ok
RussianDragon:  so a hand leads to sex
RussianDragon:  that’s novel
RussianDragon:  i should shake hands more
RussianDragon:  with women
RamBam:  And, she could be menstrating.
RussianDragon:  eeeeew
QuietStorm:  but why then do you flirt with some of the women who come here Luke?
RussianDragon:  it’s on her hand or what
YourMoralLeader:  I can’t help it
RussianDragon:  i think women are cleaner than men
RamBam:  No touching a woman until 7 days after menstration stops.
YourMoralLeader:  it’s spiritual impurity
RussianDragon:  men can easily go to crap and then not wash their hands
QuietStorm:  isn’t that inconsistant?
RussianDragon:  what’s so spirtualy impure about menstruatinf
RamBam:  all touching of an affectionate nature is rabbinically forbidden in niddah
RussianDragon:  i find women are more sexually responsive during menstruation
RussianDragon:  i just need to shower more :p
YourMoralLeader:  http://www.lukeford.net/archives/updates/080325.htm
YourMoralLeader:  my torah parsha commentary
RamBam:  Are you going to study to be a rabbi?
QuietStorm:  I don’t understand how it’s worse to touch a woman "physically" than to emotionally touch them and lead them on
RussianDragon:  so basically jews don’t touch their menstruating wifes or gf’s
YourMoralLeader:  I’d like to
RussianDragon:  you could be spiritually soiled
RamBam:  no sound can’t hear your pounding rant
RussianDragon:  he is a cultleader not a rabbi
RamBam:  A rabbi can be a cult leader.  Jesus, for example.
QuietStorm:  RamBam, can you explain my question to me?
RussianDragon:  well luke is the less moral type of cultleader
RamBam:  What was your question?
RussianDragon:  is he going to become a rabbi
RussianDragon:  so he can preach to the under 18
QuietStorm:  why is it worse to touch a woman "physically" than to touch them emotionally by leading them on?
RussianDragon:  DO NOT RANT
RussianDragon:  WE DO NOT HEAR YOU 🙂
RamBam:  It’s considered a ritual impurity.
QuietStorm:  sounds totally inconsistant to me….oh well…..
QuietStorm:  maybe Luke can teach me
RamBam:  women were considered ritually impure as a result of menstruation.
RussianDragon:  but why
RamBam:  It’s not based on consistancy.
RussianDragon:  i don’t see the point
RussianDragon:  well men are impure after crapping
QuietStorm:  but I am referring to being spiritually clean
RussianDragon:  that’s more logical to me
RussianDragon:  well why the difference
RamBam:  Yes.  Men are unpure after crapping and have to wash.
RussianDragon:  i should learn more about the torah
RussianDragon:  and the jewish ideas
QuietStorm:  RamBam, have you ever taken the time to learn of other religions?
RamBam:  The problem with menstration is its harder to tell when it starts and stops.
RamBam:  Yes.  I used to be a Buddhist
QuietStorm:  and why did you change RamBam?
RamBam:  In many ways I haven’t changed.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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